Turn on thread page Beta

Parents divorcing watch

Announcements
    • #1
    • Thread Starter
    #1

    Keep anon or delete please.

    I'm in my early 20's and last night my parents told me they are divorcing. On one hand I don't think it is the end of the world - they don't really get on or have anything in common, so a split may improve their relationship. On the other hand we are all quite a close family and I don't like the idea of the family unit being split in two. I can't imagine spending birthdays, Christmas, holidays, etc., separately. Plus they are selling the house and we will both be going into rented. I've got pet cats and dogs I worry about where they are going to fit in with everything.

    They have been married for 25 years.

    Anyone else going through/gone through this? and is it weird that I feel annoyed rather than upset? annoyed that we are going to have to move out, make massive lifestyle changes, etc.

    Words of wisdom appreciated.
    • #2
    #2

    Frustration/annoyance/worry - aren't these the adult ways of feeling upset? I can imagine I would feel the same if my parents divorced.

    They too don't have a relationship I would aspire to - but I hate the thought of them splitting as I couldn't have my "family" any more the way I'm used to, and we've never moved house so that would make it even worse.

    My sympathies anyway. In a weird way, I have sort of long prepared for my parents to divorce, it just hasn't happened! I don't think they will, they are too used to each other. But my reflections:

    Just give yourself time to adjust, and your parents time to adjust.

    They won't live together anymore, but in fairness your childhood of living with them was coming to an end anyway. Particularly when you find your own serious partner, you're going to have to divide up Christmases and holidays anyway, not just spend them with your parents. You might feel more like spending those times with a partner in future - in one way this will make that easier! So that change wasn't far off in any case, if that's any comfort.

    Maybe they will each be happier now and you will actually enjoy their company more. If they find new partners you might be able to get a new sense of family with each of these - but like having two.

    In time your parents may acquire a friendship with one another, they may actually get along better than when they were married. For one that could be nice to see, but also I wouldn't write off ever spending time with both of them together again. I know divorced couples who have moved on enough to be comfortable with one another (and usually their new partners too) and they can spend time/events together, particularly when these involve their children.

    It will be much harder if the divorce isn't mutual though.

    Best of luck anyway.
    Offline

    16
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Keep anon or delete please.

    I'm in my early 20's and last night my parents told me they are divorcing. On one hand I don't think it is the end of the world - they don't really get on or have anything in common, so a split may improve their relationship. On the other hand we are all quite a close family and I don't like the idea of the family unit being split in two. I can't imagine spending birthdays, Christmas, holidays, etc., separately. Plus they are selling the house and we will both be going into rented. I've got pet cats and dogs I worry about where they are going to fit in with everything.

    They have been married for 25 years.

    Anyone else going through/gone through this? and is it weird that I feel annoyed rather than upset? annoyed that we are going to have to move out, make massive lifestyle changes, etc.

    Words of wisdom appreciated.
    You're probably a bit annoyed because it worked for you. What do I mean by that? Well even though their relationship wasn't good and they weren't happy you were still able to have it organized in some sense ie. it still felt alike a family. For example spending Christmas and birthdays together. However, now they are planning to get a divorce and so move apart. Like you state above this will most probably improve their relationship but it has made things a lot less organized now and changed the family unit. So to answer your question y it is not weird at all that you feel annoyed because even though things weren't perfect them living together under the same roof allowed you to see both parents and was really just more convenient. You probably don't feel angry because you can't really be angry at them for sort of not being in love anymore (if you can call it that) or things not working out. Also it seems they have tired (well I' not really one to comment but 25 years does sound like a long time).

    Aww its cute that you are most worried about your pets They are probably feeling quite stressed out by all this and so if you just say to them "What about the pets" they may look at you like that >>:pierre: so choose a good time e.g. maybe make them a cup of tea or something if they like that stuff and then try to bring it up. You may want to talk to each one separately to see what each parent wanst to do. You may do this if you think it might cause an argument e.g. if you sit them both down together and ask them and it turns out they both want the dog to stay with them or something.

    I've never gone through it but the talk of divorce always come up. :rolleyes: I'm not too bothered what they do. It's their life after all and life goes on :cool: You've probably realised that too and that's probably why your not angry
    Offline

    15
    ReputationRep:
    well my parents split after 25 years and that was when I was 16. It didn't upset me since I wasn't a little kid but I'm not gonna lie, it does make things like xmas more difficult. My mother still guilts me for spending any time with my father/his side of the family or doing anything nice for him/them and it's been nearly a 9 years. I avoid even mentioning them to her and she'll still press me for details of conversations/meetings the best part of a decade later. Annoying is exactly the word I use, it's a ****ing pain in the arse to have it happen, just complicates everything - makes one side of a family have animosity towards the other and you're caught in the middle trying to do right by everyone.

    As for words of wisdom I don't really have any, you've got no control over any of this, you just have to put up with the bull**** until you can move out.
    • #3
    #3

    Sorry to hear that OP, I completely sympathies with you. My parents are currently going through a divorce (have been separated for about 3 years now), they had (well, they still technically are) been married for about 23 years. But anyway, this initiated when I was about 16 and at first, it came as a bit of a shock. I felt the need to blame them or my mother in particular and resented her for it. It's very hard because it's something that you really can't change and you just have to accept in the most positive way. I will however say though that things will get better, your parents will probably be a lot happier apart if they aren't getting along well together and it's something that will take some time to adapt to. Keep your head up, try to focus on that things that you're currently pursuing and try to support them! Good luck.
    • #1
    • Thread Starter
    #1

    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Frustration/annoyance/worry - aren't these the adult ways of feeling upset? I can imagine I would feel the same if my parents divorced.

    They too don't have a relationship I would aspire to - but I hate the thought of them splitting as I couldn't have my "family" any more the way I'm used to, and we've never moved house so that would make it even worse.

    My sympathies anyway. In a weird way, I have sort of long prepared for my parents to divorce, it just hasn't happened! I don't think they will, they are too used to each other. But my reflections:

    Just give yourself time to adjust, and your parents time to adjust.

    They won't live together anymore, but in fairness your childhood of living with them was coming to an end anyway. Particularly when you find your own serious partner, you're going to have to divide up Christmases and holidays anyway, not just spend them with your parents. You might feel more like spending those times with a partner in future - in one way this will make that easier! So that change wasn't far off in any case, if that's any comfort.

    Maybe they will each be happier now and you will actually enjoy their company more. If they find new partners you might be able to get a new sense of family with each of these - but like having two.

    In time your parents may acquire a friendship with one another, they may actually get along better than when they were married. For one that could be nice to see, but also I wouldn't write off ever spending time with both of them together again. I know divorced couples who have moved on enough to be comfortable with one another (and usually their new partners too) and they can spend time/events together, particularly when these involve their children.

    It will be much harder if the divorce isn't mutual though.

    Best of luck anyway.
    That's true actually about the moving out bit. I wanted to move out years ago. Even though I work full time now I don't earn enough to rent privately - the house prices are insane down here. So I am stuck with the parents....or soon to be mum.

    They are keeping it civil so I have no doubt my dad will still be welcome at family stuff. All the family we see are on my mums side and obviously after 25 years, he knows all of them well. So that is something positive I suppose.

    It's definitely mutual so no qualms there.
    • #1
    • Thread Starter
    #1

    (Original post by CasualSoul)
    You're probably a bit annoyed because it worked for you. What do I mean by that? Well even though their relationship wasn't good and they weren't happy you were still able to have it organized in some sense ie. it still felt alike a family. For example spending Christmas and birthdays together. However, now they are planning to get a divorce and so move apart. Like you state above this will most probably improve their relationship but it has made things a lot less organized now and changed the family unit. So to answer your question y it is not weird at all that you feel annoyed because even though things weren't perfect them living together under the same roof allowed you to see both parents and was really just more convenient. You probably don't feel angry because you can't really be angry at them for sort of not being in love anymore (if you can call it that) or things not working out. Also it seems they have tired (well I' not really one to comment but 25 years does sound like a long time).

    Aww its cute that you are most worried about your pets They are probably feeling quite stressed out by all this and so if you just say to them "What about the pets" they may look at you like that >>:pierre: so choose a good time e.g. maybe make them a cup of tea or something if they like that stuff and then try to bring it up. You may want to talk to each one separately to see what each parent wanst to do. You may do this if you think it might cause an argument e.g. if you sit them both down together and ask them and it turns out they both want the dog to stay with them or something.

    I've never gone through it but the talk of divorce always come up. :rolleyes: I'm not too bothered what they do. It's their life after all and life goes on :cool: You've probably realised that too and that's probably why your not angry
    You are completely right. It is convenient for me. I like living here; I like the house, the area, the fact I'm near a station, that I can walk to the shops in minutes. It's my childhood home and honestly, at the moment I feel more upset about the idea of leaving this house and going into a rented house that isn't even ours. The idea of moving out before didn't phase me at all - I would have LOVED to have my own space. But then, I could always come here, back home, if I ever needed. Now I won't have this and there will be some stranger living in our lovely home. I hate the idea of that and now of course it's reality.

    My parents were never really a lovey dovey couple so I have always seen their relationship for what it is, which is (evidentally!) pretty detached. But for them that was normal so I didn't see a divorce coming. I'm not surprised per say given their detachment from each other - it was just....unexpected.
    Offline

    16
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by Anonymous)
    You are completely right. It is convenient for me. I like living here; I like the house, the area, the fact I'm near a station, that I can walk to the shops in minutes. It's my childhood home and honestly, at the moment I feel more upset about the idea of leaving this house and going into a rented house that isn't even ours. The idea of moving out before didn't phase me at all - I would have LOVED to have my own space. But then, I could always come here, back home, if I ever needed. Now I won't have this and there will be some stranger living in our lovely home. I hate the idea of that and now of course it's reality.

    My parents were never really a lovey dovey couple so I have always seen their relationship for what it is, which is (evidentally!) pretty detached. But for them that was normal so I didn't see a divorce coming. I'm not surprised per say given their detachment from each other - it was just....unexpected.
    aw that sucks I know it's not the same but the only advise I could give in response to that is that home is what you make it. Even though it is not going to be as nice as your other house you could still just try to make it really homely. In your room for example you could try and make it just as good as the room you had in your other house with posters/ pictures etc (if your into that sort of thing).

    Yeah they've been married for a long time so if they were going to divorce you probably expected it to be sooner rather than now. Who knows maybe they did try to stick it through but then just started thinking that life is too short to be in a relationship that you don't really want to be in anymore?

    Anyway you see pretty strong but still don't be too upset and even though it is unexpected and not what you want just try to be positive and make the best of the situation.
 
 
 
Poll
Brexit: Given the chance now, would you vote leave or remain?

The Student Room, Get Revising and Marked by Teachers are trading names of The Student Room Group Ltd.

Register Number: 04666380 (England and Wales), VAT No. 806 8067 22 Registered Office: International House, Queens Road, Brighton, BN1 3XE

Write a reply...
Reply
Hide
Reputation gems: You get these gems as you gain rep from other members for making good contributions and giving helpful advice.