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a question

ive had two boyfriends, the one was some years ago, when i was not so wise as i am now, but i was definitely attracted to him.
the second one was a very good friend that, and judge me how you want, i think with retrospect i peruseded myself i liked. There was a lot of pressure from friends suggesting things and in the end we went out. i knew immediately it felt wrong, but then i let it go for a while, it was his birthday, til in the end we got into a routine. in the end we were going out for months, and he was very concerned about his friends and what their relationships were like, and in the end we *had* sex twice. i say *sex* as this is the nature of the question. i felt horrible, i felt nothing, no attraction only repulsion for lying to myslef. for our entire relationship he coldn't fire the gun, so to speak and didn't when we had sex. two times, very short amount of time, i felt nothing, he didn't ejaclate and i hated myslef.

later after him i met someone, who i cant be with now, but made me feel again. it made me realised how utterly i was not attracted to my previous boyfriend. we didnt have sex, but i told him, and i felt like such a whore, not that that was his reaction.

what would you consider this? proper sex? sex at all? i just know that in my next relationship the question will come up. and yes i have learned my lesson, i was too young at the time and have made a big mistake. i feel like i haven't lost my virginity although technically i have, it felt like hell.

help!

Reply 1

Vetinari

You don't have to enjoy it for it to have been *sex*. If you did the act then it was "proper sex". There's not really much middle ground on this, unless of course you have questions as to what physical actions count as intercourse.

As for feeling like a whore and your losing you virginity, when you did it you must have felt that having sex was the right thing to do, or would make things better in some way. There's nothing wrong with that, it's perhaps a shame that you didn't enjoy you first time, but what is virginity anyway? If you say you don't feel like you've lost your virginity then the specialness of sex with your next sexual partner wont feel diminished. You'll just need to make sure it's definitely what you want before you dive into things! :smile:

Reply 2

Anonymous #2

I was raped by a boyfriend when I was fifteen at a party. I didn't consider that losing my virginity because it was not my choice to sleep with him. Losing your virginity is as much about deciding to as the actual physical sexual act. Although it sounds like you technically consented and physically you're not a virgin anymore, that shouldn't stand in the way of you treating your next sexual relationship as a fresh start. If you feel used by this guy then you shouldn't see yourself as a bad person. You're not. You just had an unfortunate first relationship.