Not sure if I want to live with my friend anymore :(?

Hi there,

This is a long one so brace yourselves :P!

I'm going into second year of uni and need to find a flat with my future flatmate who also happens to be my best friend and coursemate from uni.When we both decided we were going to live with each other we were so excited! But now I have second thoughts....After seeing how she lived with her old flatmate (who my friend was supposed to live with next year originally before asking me) and reading a load of threads on the "joys" of living with your best friend I'm having second thoughts. She's an amazing friend and she's loads of fun to hang out with and I love her to bits, but not sure whether she'll be good to live with :s-smilie:

I spoke to her old flatmate secretly (I know, bitchy) to find out what living with my friend is like and wished I never asked. Her flatmate told me she's kinda lazy, dependent and stubborn so it was difficult to tell my friend to do stuff etc.

This is what bothers me though - one time when I was talking about living together with my friend I suggested that when we live together we should have some sort of rota for cleaning/emptying bins etc etc like any flatmates would. She then said "Oh, but me and (her flatmate) didn't have rotas and we kept the flat clean together fine so no need for one." From what I've seen when coming to their flat, the flatmate was always either hoovering or cleaning in the kitchen, and my friend would just be sitting on the couch sipping a cup of tea! Her flatmate told me herself she did most of the chores in the house! My problem is because she thinks we're friends we don't need any rules adn boundaries in the flat etc and it's gotten me worried. I know she doesn't like to be told what to do so I'm concerned she'll get defensive if I told her to take out the trash or something and it's going to put a strain on our friendship. I don't want to do her part of the chores either cause I've experienced that with my flatmates this year and I don't want a repeat, especially with a good friend :frown:

I have a guy friend whose looking for a flatmate and I really want to live with him now. He's so easy-going and tidy and I feel it's a lot easier living with him than my friend. He's a quiet guy and keeps to himself as well so when I get home from uni I can have my own space and relax whereas I know my friend would want to come into my room and chat etc. and as much as I enjoy that, after a long day at uni I would much prefer to lock myself in my room with my laptop on and a cup tea (joys of being an introvert :P). He's doing a different course from me so we won't see each other as much either.

It's been difficult finding a flat together as well because we have different needs. I think having a study desk or at least a place to study in a bedroom is important but her and her parents don't think so and they seem to think I'm demanding for asking for a desk or not even that, just a room big enough to have a desk in it. For her, it's the kitchen size which I think is kinda pointless cause it's just the two of us and she doesn't even cook cause her mum makes her food for her to heat up in the microwave!

I feel really bad about writing about my friend like this but I really don't know what to do! Am I just being overly paranoid about her not willing to accept flat rules? And should I just go ahead and live with her and see how it goes? The only thing that's stopping me from telling her that I want to live with my guy friend is because it's probably going to destroy our friendship (leaving her hanging with no flatmate) and she's in the middle of revising for resits and I don't want this to have an affect on her revision/performance. And my guy friend won't be back from holiday till the beginning of August and I'm worried there won't be any flats by then.

Sorry for the huge rant but thank you and I would appreciate any advice! x

back stabber

If she's your best friend you've got to be careful on how you break the news to her, you don't want to strain a friendship just cause she might be a little lazy/chatty

Reply 3

krumister

I think it's too late at this point to leave your friend for your guy flatmate (if you do so your best friend would probably hate you). I think at this point you just have to push the idea of a cleaning rota and make sure that your best friend understands that you won't be doing the majority of the cleaning. Maybe you could get her old flatmate to talk to her to make her realise that she was being lazy and uncooperative with the cleaning?

With you and your best friend and her parents conflicting needs about what is needed in the house. I think you should just stick by what you want since you have as much choice as your best friend and the house should agree with the both of you. So you probably just need to try and look at more houses. Also you could probably invite your guy flatmate to live with you two? That way you have someone similar to your personality/disposition and maybe less arguments will arise.

Reply 4

linkdapink

Why not live with both of them?

This new guy can act as a kind of buffer - a reason to set rules? And someone calm and peaceful to talk to?

Reply 5

username1133173

Original post by linkdapink

Why not live with both of them?

This new guy can act as a kind of buffer - a reason to set rules? And someone calm and peaceful to talk to?

This is such a simple solution. Brilliant.

Reply 6

xChristinex

Hi guys, thanks for lovely the replies :smile:

Quite a lot of you suggested that my guy friend should move in with me and my friend. One problem - my friend is Muslim so she would not be happy with that and she insists that it's just the two of us living together. We have another friend whose also a Muslim girl and was looking for a flatmate. She was hoping she could move in with me and my friend but my friend said no. If my friend won't let one of our friends live with us, I don't think she would be happy living with someone she doesn't know let alone a guy. :s-smilie:

Reply 7

username1133173

Original post by xChristinex

Hi guys, thanks for lovely the replies :smile:

Tell her to get a grip. What was wrong with the other girl?

Reply 8

JanitaTwain

Original post by xChristinex

Hi there,

I have a guy friend whose looking for a flatmate and I really want to live with him now. He's so easy-going and tidy and I feel it's a lot easier living with him than my friend. He's a quiet guy and keeps to himself as well so when I get home from uni I can have my own space and relax whereas I know my friend would want to come into my room and chat etc. and as much as I enjoy that, after a long day at uni I would much prefer to lock myself in my room with my laptop on and a cup tea (joys of being an introvert :P). He's doing a different course from me so we won't see each other as much either.

It's been difficult finding a flat together as well because we have different needs. I think having a study desk or at least a place to study in a bedroom is important but her and her parents don't think so and they seem to think I'm demanding for asking for a desk or not even that, just a room big enough to have a desk in it. For her, it's the kitchen size which I think is kinda pointless cause it's just the two of us and she doesn't even cook cause her mum makes her food for her to heat up in the microwave!

Sorry for the huge rant but thank you and I would appreciate any advice! x

Room with her, ruining your friendship over such a small thing is silly. By the time she comes back from uni she'll be tired to, so she'll want to rest as well... Besides you'll both make new friends! If she does turn out to be a lousy flatmate then you can bunk in with the guy.

Reply 9

ashleighgiles

For some reason, OP, your roommate sounds like someone I know, though I bet your friend is not the same person I'm thinking about :biggrin:

Your friend ought to start with contributing to the flat. I'm pretty harsh when it comes to teamwork, and I expect anyone in my team, and in this case the roommate, to do at least some of the chores.
As for your other friends who want to stay with you, your roommate ought to accept that she can't have her way all the time.

Sorry if I'm harsh, but judging by your story, your roommate really needs to wake up :tongue:

Reply 10

kibo007

We working on app that can help you in this situation.

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(edited 10 years ago)

Reply 11