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Internet Relationship ~ Doing something wrong (Long Read)
I've known a person for roughly 4 Years on the internet, we usually speak to each other on msn messenger everytime we catch each other online. During the first couple years we would constantly talk to each other about various things and I had felt myself becoming more and more attracted to her.
Overtime of our friendship she had become more busy with school life and couldn't appear on msn messenger so often anymore, but that wasn't really a problem we would still talk whenever each other was online.
Although one thing that kept coming up as a problem was not knowing what to say and talk about... After 4 Years of chatting it seems as if we had pretty much chatted about everything.
About a year ago she told me that she had feelings for me a very long time and that she had occasionally tried to bury the feelings although we chat so often she couldn't. When she had asked me how I had felt about it, I told her that I have feelings for her too. I was happy. We decided to finally meet up due to her being on holiday and my exams being over. It is a LDR reason being why it took so long, I had never seen her or heard her prior to the meeting event.
Her feelings towards me seemed to be a little different to mines though... She had all these ideas of our future, Marriage and all that. I hadn't really thought that far ahead and this caused several problems for myself along with other things.
I started doubting myself and acting cynical prehaps...
1) LDR on the internet doesn't really work out.
2) I had never ever thought about marriage in the sense about how she feels about it, I had talked about it before whether our religion would clash in the way so I wasn't really taken aback.
I started doubting myself as if I had really liked her I would have shared her feelings whereas its obvious she is more intrested than me.
During my meeting we exchanged hugs and all that and she was attractive although I didn't immedinatly feel physically attracted yet ~ no butterfly feelings or nervousness it was very calm.
I went to the meeting with the mindset of finding out whether i was attracted there and then suggested by other users on the forums etc... Keep at bay until you meet and prehaps this caused me to just as a friend mindset when meeting. I screwed up all my chances nearly.
I found I can also pretty much find someone attractive yet not doing anything about it though as honestly I hadn't really been in contact with other girls for a good couple years (Boys school).
If I liked someone wouldn't I be getting funny feelings and all that? Shouldn't it be like that if you do like someone? Yet me being calm and everything...
By the end of the day she had given me a kiss on the cheek which I appreciated alot although the next day she told me on the phone that she felt as if I wasn't really intrested in her so much... There was a fair amount of silence inbetween us as I didn't know what to chat about.
Thats another question.... shouldn't relationship constantly have something to talk about? Althought it had felt like I had pretty much talked about everything over 4 Years and I didn't know what was new... like i had said I'm really bad at chatting about other things. I feel a little guilty now after she had told me that she thought I wasn't really intrested in her...
There is part of me wanting to be with her, yet at the same time I'm not sure. I think I want to be with her, why the heck am I feeling like this? Wanting but unsure? Shouldn't feelings of love be straight from the beginning of a relationship rather then developing?
A little perspective from others would be nice - Actually it feels kinda silly that I'm asking on a forum cause thats just another form of doubt and insecurity but ah well...Prehaps I think too much.
Edit: Bah had planned to use Annoymous mode but nevermind.
Overtime of our friendship she had become more busy with school life and couldn't appear on msn messenger so often anymore, but that wasn't really a problem we would still talk whenever each other was online.
Although one thing that kept coming up as a problem was not knowing what to say and talk about... After 4 Years of chatting it seems as if we had pretty much chatted about everything.
About a year ago she told me that she had feelings for me a very long time and that she had occasionally tried to bury the feelings although we chat so often she couldn't. When she had asked me how I had felt about it, I told her that I have feelings for her too. I was happy. We decided to finally meet up due to her being on holiday and my exams being over. It is a LDR reason being why it took so long, I had never seen her or heard her prior to the meeting event.
Her feelings towards me seemed to be a little different to mines though... She had all these ideas of our future, Marriage and all that. I hadn't really thought that far ahead and this caused several problems for myself along with other things.
I started doubting myself and acting cynical prehaps...
1) LDR on the internet doesn't really work out.
2) I had never ever thought about marriage in the sense about how she feels about it, I had talked about it before whether our religion would clash in the way so I wasn't really taken aback.
I started doubting myself as if I had really liked her I would have shared her feelings whereas its obvious she is more intrested than me.
During my meeting we exchanged hugs and all that and she was attractive although I didn't immedinatly feel physically attracted yet ~ no butterfly feelings or nervousness it was very calm.
I went to the meeting with the mindset of finding out whether i was attracted there and then suggested by other users on the forums etc... Keep at bay until you meet and prehaps this caused me to just as a friend mindset when meeting. I screwed up all my chances nearly.
I found I can also pretty much find someone attractive yet not doing anything about it though as honestly I hadn't really been in contact with other girls for a good couple years (Boys school).
If I liked someone wouldn't I be getting funny feelings and all that? Shouldn't it be like that if you do like someone? Yet me being calm and everything...
By the end of the day she had given me a kiss on the cheek which I appreciated alot although the next day she told me on the phone that she felt as if I wasn't really intrested in her so much... There was a fair amount of silence inbetween us as I didn't know what to chat about.
Thats another question.... shouldn't relationship constantly have something to talk about? Althought it had felt like I had pretty much talked about everything over 4 Years and I didn't know what was new... like i had said I'm really bad at chatting about other things. I feel a little guilty now after she had told me that she thought I wasn't really intrested in her...
There is part of me wanting to be with her, yet at the same time I'm not sure. I think I want to be with her, why the heck am I feeling like this? Wanting but unsure? Shouldn't feelings of love be straight from the beginning of a relationship rather then developing?
A little perspective from others would be nice - Actually it feels kinda silly that I'm asking on a forum cause thats just another form of doubt and insecurity but ah well...Prehaps I think too much.
Edit: Bah had planned to use Annoymous mode but nevermind.
Well, I can only answer one thing, you don't have to talk -all- the time even after knowing them for 4 years, comfortable silences can be just as good
oo though I can say that feelings of lvoe can develop, you've got to have some liking there I think first though..you don't love automatically..
oo though I can say that feelings of lvoe can develop, you've got to have some liking there I think first though..you don't love automatically..
um, okay, i think that you can't really base a real relationship on an internet relationship, although it is a start there's no guarentee that the real life thing will be as much fun.
You need to spend LOTS of time with her in person before you can even think about marriage.
Surely she'd understand if you just said you needed to take things a bit slower and get to know her in person?
In answer to your questions, i don't see why you can't learn to love someone. It might make a more stable long term relationship.
And no, you don't need to always have something to talk about, but it would be nice if you felt comfortable around them.
But hey, i don't know. i'm not a reliable source of information. I don't think i read your 1st post properly either so this may not have made sense. Good luck.
You need to spend LOTS of time with her in person before you can even think about marriage.
Surely she'd understand if you just said you needed to take things a bit slower and get to know her in person?
In answer to your questions, i don't see why you can't learn to love someone. It might make a more stable long term relationship.
And no, you don't need to always have something to talk about, but it would be nice if you felt comfortable around them.
But hey, i don't know. i'm not a reliable source of information. I don't think i read your 1st post properly either so this may not have made sense. Good luck.
Love doesn't happen instantly - 'like' obviously, but 'love' takes a while to appear. Real love that is, not the whole shenanigans of omgzzz i lovezz you and wantzzz your babiezzzz. 
You need to work out whether you're interested in her or not else if you keep floating around, you're essentially leading her on - hinting that there might be a chance of something happen..but there might not.
It also sounds as if she's fairly serious about this...you need to talk to her and communicate about whatever you decide.
If you feel like you have nothing to say to her because you've 'chatted it all' then tbh how do you expect to have a relationship unless you plan to purely make it a physical one so there'd be no time for awkward silences. Yes of course couples don't talk 24/7, silence is golden etc. but if you feel like there's nothing new to say because it's all been said then you're not gonna get anywhere imo - when you go out together...strained silences permeating throughout the day??
You need to work out whether you're interested in her or not else if you keep floating around, you're essentially leading her on - hinting that there might be a chance of something happen..but there might not.
It also sounds as if she's fairly serious about this...you need to talk to her and communicate about whatever you decide.
If you feel like you have nothing to say to her because you've 'chatted it all' then tbh how do you expect to have a relationship unless you plan to purely make it a physical one so there'd be no time for awkward silences. Yes of course couples don't talk 24/7, silence is golden etc. but if you feel like there's nothing new to say because it's all been said then you're not gonna get anywhere imo - when you go out together...strained silences permeating throughout the day??
If you don't feel any chemistery between you two..then tell her that! Relations over the internet are quite hard..and that after some time you haven;t got much to share anymore is logical...because you don't see each other in real life(you can;t do things in real life together as going put etc..)...what I mean to say is you don't/can't share things with each other you did in real life...you can only tell your story what you did on a day but that is diffirent that actually be there!
You have to make up your mind about what you want! Just be honest because that is fair against the both of you! Don't keep lying about your feelings..
About the marriage thing I deffo agree with explosionsinthesky!
You have to make up your mind about what you want! Just be honest because that is fair against the both of you! Don't keep lying about your feelings..
About the marriage thing I deffo agree with explosionsinthesky!
i agree, you don't have to have something to talk about 24-7, and there can b comfortable silences and it is definately harder when you can't share real life experiences-maybe if you were together more you would do things you can actually tlak about. you'd probably find the same thing in a relationship that wasn't started on the net, in the sense that you'd come to a point where you weren't sure u had anything left to talk about. that scares me for some reason. i think it's rare it's love at first sight so to speak, i think it's something that develops and just because you've talked for 4 yrs, i still don't think it means you should love her straight away. maybe you didn't have lots of butterflies because you do know her so well. i met some of my closest friends on the net,on a health support forum,so we instantly had something in common and we met up last yr which i think just made us closer. it's definately harder to keep in touch and takes more work, but we plan stuff and will keep in touch so i do think u can build lots of different types of relationships on the net...just because it's on the net doesn't mean it's any less real BUT it is different imo, althought my friends are exactly the same offline as on i don't think that would go for everyone. k, i'm done rambling now. just be honest with her, talking about marriage on first meeting would scare the crap outta me!
Yeah I pretty much went into the meeting just to get to know each othet better in real life, I didn't actually expect anything to happen given that we only had 3 hours of being around each other on the day. Guess she was hoping there would be a reaction of some sort 1st time meeting. Overly polite Guest style mood.
As for the silence that came inbetween us, I didn't really mind it so much since I usually am the silent person with all my friends, not really assertive in conversations basically. I'm sure there were probably things I could have talked about but my mind is usually blank. I join in conversations rather than start them.
I think her talking about marriage and all that is just her dreamer side coming into, she loves thinking about certain things happening, romantic. But Yes she is abit more prehaps a tad more serious than I would be in the emotions.
But Yeah things like butterflies around a person, I didn't feel that... I just felt comfortable around sitting with her on the day, there wasn't any real sign of nervousness and she was pretty much the same online and offline so no suprises. Feels as if I had taken her for granted in the past. The idea of learning to love sounds abit strange though... is that actually possible? Surely you don't learn it.
I kind of want to be with her, I know I'm kinda still attracted to her, but at the same time when the signs above ~ no nervousness appear it makes me think whats the reasoning behind that. Too Logical? Is it because I've been friends for such a long time for me to think like this? Whats the reasoning behind that?
As for the silence that came inbetween us, I didn't really mind it so much since I usually am the silent person with all my friends, not really assertive in conversations basically. I'm sure there were probably things I could have talked about but my mind is usually blank. I join in conversations rather than start them.
I think her talking about marriage and all that is just her dreamer side coming into, she loves thinking about certain things happening, romantic. But Yes she is abit more prehaps a tad more serious than I would be in the emotions.
But Yeah things like butterflies around a person, I didn't feel that... I just felt comfortable around sitting with her on the day, there wasn't any real sign of nervousness and she was pretty much the same online and offline so no suprises. Feels as if I had taken her for granted in the past. The idea of learning to love sounds abit strange though... is that actually possible? Surely you don't learn it.
I kind of want to be with her, I know I'm kinda still attracted to her, but at the same time when the signs above ~ no nervousness appear it makes me think whats the reasoning behind that. Too Logical? Is it because I've been friends for such a long time for me to think like this? Whats the reasoning behind that?
Cuddles
i was contemplating actually reading that, but it's too long. such is the way of H&R. I'm sure there are some well-intentioned people who will be willing to help you.
Are you just trying to increase your post count?
( = anonymous so I don't increase mine by posting that.)
ChocolatePie
About the marriage thing I deffo agree with explosionsinthesky!
About the marriage thing I deffo agree with explosionsinthesky!
w00t!
i personally don't think of it as learning to love (well not in this case, in some case yes, like if someone has been hurt in the past and feels like they can't trust anyone, someone may be able to teach them how to love so in a way they are learning) it's more a case of growing to love someone. i'd prefer to be friends with someone before i began to date them. so when friends do enter a romatic relationships it's because their feelings have grown into love or are starting too, maybe it would be easier to think of it as growth rather than learning? just be honest =)
A relationship isn't about being able to talk to someone 24/7 y'know? Its also about being able to just sit in silence with someone, doing nothing and having it feel perfectly comfortable. Its perfectly normal to have had those awkward silences seeing as you'd met for the first time in person, especially after talking about your feelings.
Also, being comfortable with someone and being able to talk to them about stuff is helped and encouraged through experiencing things together, which you two (aside from that meeting) haven't done as you've only hung out in real life once. Give it time if you really want something to happen, try to see each other more, go out and do fun things, share experiences. If its still difficult to talk to her after that, maybe its just not right.
Sorry, thats the best help I can give. Its all about how you feel about her, whether you want to be with her and give it a chance. Good luck chick, hope it works out for the best
Also, being comfortable with someone and being able to talk to them about stuff is helped and encouraged through experiencing things together, which you two (aside from that meeting) haven't done as you've only hung out in real life once. Give it time if you really want something to happen, try to see each other more, go out and do fun things, share experiences. If its still difficult to talk to her after that, maybe its just not right.
Sorry, thats the best help I can give. Its all about how you feel about her, whether you want to be with her and give it a chance. Good luck chick, hope it works out for the best
Thanks for some of the input here and through Private Message. I figured I had pretty much been taking close family members and every person I got close with for granted...
noticed it today when my parent asked me whether i was missing my father who was on holiday. I realised I didn't actually give much thought to those who gave so much. The same pretty much applys elsewhere.
I've thought about it and Yeah... 3 Hours is way too short to decide whether I like her or not in real life, it'd be better if i actually spent more time so I won't give up just yet.
Besides I guess you have to work at a relationship... its not always gonna be happy straight from the start. Kinda like how a married couple stay together for more than 20-30 Years or even longer.
noticed it today when my parent asked me whether i was missing my father who was on holiday. I realised I didn't actually give much thought to those who gave so much. The same pretty much applys elsewhere.
I've thought about it and Yeah... 3 Hours is way too short to decide whether I like her or not in real life, it'd be better if i actually spent more time so I won't give up just yet.
Besides I guess you have to work at a relationship... its not always gonna be happy straight from the start. Kinda like how a married couple stay together for more than 20-30 Years or even longer.
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