Relationship advice please

Hi i need some advice here, i pretty much know whats going to be advised but would still like to hear it,

Okay so my boyfriend and I have been together for around a year and a half, twice now the discussion of the 'future' of the relationship has come up, the last one was around may time, in which he pretty much made clear that although he did love me deep down he didnt think we had a future long term.

I love him deeply and have always seen something long term with him, so after he said that, i said something along the lines of well if were not going nowhere mayb we should stop what were doing now, (i was thinking we'd eventually get married etc.). And i did reduce contact but we missed eachother too much yada yada so after a rough week we wer back to normal.

However recently iv started thinking again about where my lifes going (just graduated n starting a new job) and i feel like i dont know we're not on the same page, just together for sake of it ks we love eachother, i mean if were not gna end up together then i feel like u dno what i'm doing uknow?

Anyway the advice i'm asking for is i'm planning to talk to him about it this evening/tonight, but i don't know how to phrase it in a way to make him understand how i feel, please could someone advise..(i was thinking suggesting we have like a time out for a few days)..thankyou in advance

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Reply 1

redferry

I dont really understand your logic. I have been with my boyfriend 18 month now and love him to bits. Neither of us really see a future together as it is very likely our lives will go in different directions, despite the fact we are totally compatible. You need to take things a day at a time, if you enjoy theire company make the most of it while it lasts. It seems ridiculous to me to break up with someone because you want to be with them.

Taking a break is a stupid idea either dump him and find someone who wants to marry you or enjoy it while it lasts, dont string the poor guy along.

Reply 2

joker12345

I actually disagree with the poster above, I think it's one of the best and most valid reasons to break up with someone, because you essentially want something more and they don't.
I think you should just ask him straight out, you've been together long enough that you shouldn't have to beat about the bush much.

Reply 3

joker12345

Original post by redferry

Because you'll get more invested in them and it'll hurt more when they reject you. Also, because if you're actually looking for something that lasts, you're wasting your time committing to someone with whom it won't when you could miss opportunities of finding someone with whom it will.
As you both don't want a future with each other (which, and this is just my opinion seems that surely you aren't all THAT in love, or you'd want to at least try), it's fine for you as neither of you isn't getting what they want.

Reply 4

CTUagent109

yeah the thing is i feel he is stringing me along not the other way around, and as one poster mentioned that take one day at a time, currently thats what i am doing, i thought to myself why worry about some future that may never happen (i.e myt drop dead any moment etc.) however its hard...plus we are asian therefore only have a couple years left to max marriageable age (id say about 25 - although i dont think my parents would have an issue with us if the time came)

Point is,we know where we stand and are jus effectively ignoring the inevitable, im just soo confused, i mean if were not gna get married etc shudnt i nw stop physical relations with my bf? i feel like its not right to anymore...having previously engaged in stuff ks i thought we'd end up togther..my heads just lost

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Reply 5

twoforjoy

It's odd because people obviously have very different views about relationships, some are in it for right now without future plans and some have hopes/plans for the future with their partner.

For me, if I couldn't see a future with my partner (marriage, kids, house etc) then I wouldn't be with them. If I like them enough to be in a relationship with them, then obviously I would want to spend the rest of my life with them. I'm one for commitment, so I won't go into a relationship with someone I don't see a future with. Why would I? If I wanted to have fun and sleep around, I would, and I've already done that part of my life.

I therefore don't understand the logic of people who go into relationships (or stay in relationships) knowing/thinking that there's no future in it. Why wouldn't there be if you liked/loved them enough? I'd also feel like I'm betraying their trust if I can see a break up on the horizon. I'd feel incredibly selfish.
I'd also feel incredibly offended if my partner told me he didn't want a future with me, I would've left right there if I were you!

I'd definitely get it out of him again, because otherwise you'll never know where you stand and will ultimately be crushed when it's over. Tell him how much you care about him and that you can't understand why he doesn't want a future with you, ask him why, and make him give you a clear answer. It might hurt but it'll set your mind straight about whether you should stay or leave. Explain that you've gotten to the stage in your life where you need to start growing up and you need to know whether he's ready to commit to you. Tell him you want him to be the person who you explore life with and can't see it without him.

I don't know if a time-out would be a good idea as it would just prolong the hurt, it might make him realise he doesn't want to lose you but if he still doesn't see a future then it's good for nothing.

Good luck! :smile:

Reply 6

CTUagent109

in reply to Joker.. i do want a future with him thats the thing! i couldnt imagine life with another guy.. i guess thts why im confused, like i just dnt kno what to think and what to do for the best

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Reply 7

CTUagent109

Thank you for advice so far ! x

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Reply 8

joker12345

Original post by CTUagent109

I know, I mean him not wanting a future with you is definitely a reason to break up, and I agree that it's like he's stringing you on. Tell him you want a relationship that you're both in for the long haul, and you think this could be it, if he feels the same.

Reply 9

CTUagent109

Thanks i mean it wasnt a issue before and we are perfect otherwise but now that we are gettin to the age where my parents will soon start to get me in interested in that 'topic', i need to know..i mean last time when he effectively sed he didnt no if we wud i did say to him well if uv known that all along why didnt u jus say earlier instead of stringing me along type thing when he started going all i love u deep down etc.. guess i just so naive

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Reply 10

RachelB11

I think he's keeping his options open wondering if there's someone better out there. Meanwhile he still has you and an inflated view of himself. Life doesn't get better with such men - they just get worse. The sooner you leave him the better because as you get older the pool of available men you'd be prepared to touch with a bargepole let alone date gets much smaller. Never show any weakness to him though - make your own mind up and if you leave him pretend to be happy and move on with your life until you really are happy. It's the only way to be happy eventually.

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Reply 11

zaback21

Original post by CTUagent109

I know how you are feeling. He is such a great guy, like my soulmate, why can't we be together ? Well the problem here is, don't take it the wrong way, either:

:::your bf just care about you but doesnt see you as his future wife. Because he just wanna hang out with you cos men will do anything to have physical relationship and not be alone.

::::he just never wants to get married.

In either case, you not getting him as your life partner. Breaking up is hard, you won't get over him in at least in 3 months or more, but you have to make that decision if you want to get married. Think this way, everyday that you stay with him, is a day you losing spending time with your future husband/life partner. Sometimes, we have to make hard decisions now for a better future.

(edited 10 years ago)

Reply 12

redferry

Original post by joker12345

But unless you plan to live your whole life in one place the chances of you staying with your next partner are also slim.

I wouldnt aqy any time spent with my boyfriend, or even my last serious boyfriend was time wasted. You learn and grow in relationships and being there for my current bf in tough times is something I would never ever see as wasted time. If its fun ending it for little reason just makes no sense.

As you both don't want a future with each other (which, and this is just my opinion seems that surely you aren't all THAT in love, or you'd want to at least try), it's fine for you as neither of you isn't getting what they want.

How old are you, 14? You seem very naive.
We do want a future with each other and of course we are trying, hell were moving in together next month, we are just realists. We might argue living together with the stresses of jobs, we are likely to find it tough staying together when I move away to do a phd. But he would never forgive himself if I didnt do one. The odds will always be heavily stacked against us and we know it. Sounds to me like the OPs bf is just a realist too, he realises they are both young and its unlikely they will stay together long term. Doesnt mean he enjoys the relationship or likes the op any less.