BlackHawk
  • CV Helper
Badges: 16
Rep:
?
#1
Report Thread starter 6 years ago
#1
I'm looking for some personal stories about being adopted and/or fostered.

My husband and I are tentatively thinking about fostering and possibly adopting an older child after about 5 years of thinking about whether it would be right for our family.

So were you adopted or fostered? Did you know all along you were adopted? What were your experiences? What did you think of your foster/adoptive family?

Thanks
1
reply
EveandElla
Badges: 1
Rep:
?
#2
Report 6 years ago
#2
Hello BlackHawk. I'm glad that you are trying to talk to the foster kids rather than just the foster parents. I had a number of foster placements and except for the one that was ended when my foster mother was taken ill they were not happy times. But I have friends who had wonderful long-term placements and who remain in frequent and loving contact with their former foster families. There are a number of "by invitation only" groups that might interest you plus some other on-line groups. If you send me a PM we can chat more.
0
reply
BlackHawk
  • CV Helper
Badges: 16
Rep:
?
#3
Report Thread starter 6 years ago
#3
(Original post by EveandElla)
Hello BlackHawk. I'm glad that you are trying to talk to the foster kids rather than just the foster parents. I had a number of foster placements and except for the one that was ended when my foster mother was taken ill they were not happy times. But I have friends who had wonderful long-term placements and who remain in frequent and loving contact with their former foster families. There are a number of "by invitation only" groups that might interest you plus some other on-line groups. If you send me a PM we can chat more.
Thanks, and I'm sorry to hear you had a bad experience in foster care

I think we're in a good place in life right now, been married for 6 years, our daughter is 4...we're moving back to the UK soon and plan on buying a farm. We have horses and three dogs and are an active outdoors family. I will be working from home, on the farm. We have a great and loving extended family. We're a down to earth, loving family ourselves.

I have no idea what would make us good on paper to be good foster or adoptive parents or what a child would want. To me, it's more about being a family a child would want to be a part of rather than picking a child based on what we want to see.
0
reply
EveandElla
Badges: 1
Rep:
?
#4
Report 6 years ago
#4
Obviously all the factors you mention are positive. Your last sentence worries me a bit because many foster children don't want to be fostered at all. Many would rather put up with neglect (or even abuse) if it means than can stay with the friends and family they know rather than being forced to live with strangers. So throw away any hopes of the child being grateful (at least in the early days) for all you do for them.
0
reply
BlackHawk
  • CV Helper
Badges: 16
Rep:
?
#5
Report Thread starter 6 years ago
#5
(Original post by EveandElla)
Obviously all the factors you mention are positive. Your last sentence worries me a bit because many foster children don't want to be fostered at all. Many would rather put up with neglect (or even abuse) if it means than can stay with the friends and family they know rather than being forced to live with strangers. So throw away any hopes of the child being grateful (at least in the early days) for all you do for them.
I think you misunderstood me. I would never except a child to be grateful for anything. I am a parent already and part of being a parent is wanting to create the best possible family environment for your children. I was in care for awhile as a child and I have some understanding of being a young child away from family.
0
reply
EveandElla
Badges: 1
Rep:
?
#6
Report 6 years ago
#6
Ah, that's different then if you have been in "Care" yourself who will know what the issues are. I have also sent you a PM.
0
reply
redferry
Badges: 17
Rep:
?
#7
Report 6 years ago
#7
(Original post by BlackHawk)
I'm looking for some personal stories about being adopted and/or fostered.

My husband and I are tentatively thinking about fostering and possibly adopting an older child after about 5 years of thinking about whether it would be right for our family.

So were you adopted or fostered? Did you know all along you were adopted? What were your experiences? What did you think of your foster/adoptive family?

Thanks
Hi, I wasn't personally adopted but my brother is, and both my parents and my grandma were child social workers so I would say I know more than most about the processes and I also know a lot of adoptive parents and adopted kids.

We adopted my brother when he was 1 and I was 8. He fitted in right away and my parents would honestly say it is no different to having a child of your own. He has some effects of his year with his birth parents and in foster care, which tend to manifest academically, he sucks at schoolwork and is mentally a bit younger than he probably should be but he is a really really great kid and the best brother/son anyone could wish for. He was adopted from two people with learning difficulties who could barely look after themselves never mind children.

We have never had any problems and have always been honest with him about the adoption, giving him a photobook of his parents to share with him etc. Unfortunately both his parents have since died which is a shame as he will never get to meet them.

He has three siblings who were adopted by another family before he was born at ages 7, 6, and 3. The oldest sibling, a girl a year older than me, went through a bit of a rough patch at around 18 where she ran off with some guy on holiday and reported her foster parents to the police, then ran off with an older guy. We thought it would all end in disaster but the guy has stuck with her and they now have two beautiful little girls and she is a brilliant mother. She is also back to being close with her adoptive parents.

The two brothers both have always had a good relationship with their adoptive parents. Recently the older brother had twins with the girl he was seeing, unplanned, and unfortunately they were born prematurely. As his gf is a very useless mother and he was working 9-5 unfortunately social services took the children as they needed so much care due to resulting disabilities, but I don't think this is any slur on him and I think in different circumstances he would make a great Dad.

None of them are at all academic, most likely due to setbacks in their development in their early years of life combined with their parents genes. That is hardly the be all and end all in life and they are happy which is the main thing. My brother is 16 now so hopefully we have got through without any going off the rails issues but then we may not have escaped yet!

When speaking to my parents they have always said it is good to have your own child first to make your mistakes on (that would be me then, thanks mum and dad!) as it is important to get it right with an adopted child. They also recommend adopting a young child if it is your first time adopting as the more time the child has spent in foster care the more behavioral issues they generally have.

I have a bunch more stories, ranging from successful to disastrous, from family friends we know through adopting my brother so give me a shout if you want to know any more.

I hope that sheds some light, my brother and all his siblings had a happy time with their adoptive families and I guess it also sheds some perspective on what your daughter might experience too.

You have to make sure you include her in the decision though. Does she want a sibling? I wanted a little brother desperately and was so proud when I got one. My parents took me to meet my brother before we adopted him to make sure we got on and I liked him, if I hadn't got on with him then hey would have kept looking. In fact we previously looked into adopting two five year old twins, but they hated me, so that didn't happen. Make sure you include her in the process, we have family friends who made the mistake of not doing that and their son hated his new brother more than anything else in the world. It really harmed both kids in the end, imagine being adopted into a family where the other child makes you feel unwanted.
1
reply
BlackHawk
  • CV Helper
Badges: 16
Rep:
?
#8
Report Thread starter 6 years ago
#8
(Original post by EveandElla)
Ah, that's different then if you have been in "Care" yourself who will know what the issues are. I have also sent you a PM.
Thank you so much, the links you sent me are great
0
reply
BlackHawk
  • CV Helper
Badges: 16
Rep:
?
#9
Report Thread starter 6 years ago
#9
(Original post by redferry)
Hi, I wasn't personally adopted but my brother is, and both my parents and my grandma were child social workers so I would say I know more than most about the processes and I also know a lot of adoptive parents and adopted kids.

We adopted my brother when he was 1 and I was 8. He fitted in right away and my parents would honestly say it is no different to having a child of your own. He has some effects of his year with his birth parents and in foster care, which tend to manifest academically, he sucks at schoolwork and is mentally a bit younger than he probably should be but he is a really really great kid and the best brother/son anyone could wish for. He was adopted from two people with learning difficulties who could barely look after themselves never mind children.

We have never had any problems and have always been honest with him about the adoption, giving him a photobook of his parents to share with him etc. Unfortunately both his parents have since died which is a shame as he will never get to meet them.

He has three siblings who were adopted by another family before he was born at ages 7, 6, and 3. The oldest sibling, a girl a year older than me, went through a bit of a rough patch at around 18 where she ran off with some guy on holiday and reported her foster parents to the police, then ran off with an older guy. We thought it would all end in disaster but the guy has stuck with her and they now have two beautiful little girls and she is a brilliant mother. She is also back to being close with her adoptive parents.

The two brothers both have always had a good relationship with their adoptive parents. Recently the older brother had twins with the girl he was seeing, unplanned, and unfortunately they were born prematurely. As his gf is a very useless mother and he was working 9-5 unfortunately social services took the children as they needed so much care due to resulting disabilities, but I don't think this is any slur on him and I think in different circumstances he would make a great Dad.

None of them are at all academic, most likely due to setbacks in their development in their early years of life combined with their parents genes. That is hardly the be all and end all in life and they are happy which is the main thing. My brother is 16 now so hopefully we have got through without any going off the rails issues but then we may not have escaped yet!

When speaking to my parents they have always said it is good to have your own child first to make your mistakes on (that would be me then, thanks mum and dad!) as it is important to get it right with an adopted child. They also recommend adopting a young child if it is your first time adopting as the more time the child has spent in foster care the more behavioral issues they generally have.

I have a bunch more stories, ranging from successful to disastrous, from family friends we know through adopting my brother so give me a shout if you want to know any more.

I hope that sheds some light, my brother and all his siblings had a happy time with their adoptive families and I guess it also sheds some perspective on what your daughter might experience too.

You have to make sure you include her in the decision though. Does she want a sibling? I wanted a little brother desperately and was so proud when I got one. My parents took me to meet my brother before we adopted him to make sure we got on and I liked him, if I hadn't got on with him then hey would have kept looking. In fact we previously looked into adopting two five year old twins, but they hated me, so that didn't happen. Make sure you include her in the process, we have family friends who made the mistake of not doing that and their son hated his new brother more than anything else in the world. It really harmed both kids in the end, imagine being adopted into a family where the other child makes you feel unwanted.

Brilliantly helpful, thank you. We're going to go through a military adoption agency I think.

Our daughter is desperate for a sibling and mentions it a couple of times a week. We would make sure that she is a part of the process and understands what's going on.

From what I've read from the agency we would have two interviews, a 4 day residential training course and then we would be reviewed by the adoption panel.
0
reply
EveandElla
Badges: 1
Rep:
?
#10
Report 6 years ago
#10
There is of course all the difference in the world between being adopted, being fostered and being in a Care Home for Children. The age of the child when all this happens is another major factor.
0
reply
BlackHawk
  • CV Helper
Badges: 16
Rep:
?
#11
Report Thread starter 6 years ago
#11
(Original post by EveandElla)
There is of course all the difference in the world between being adopted, being fostered and being in a Care Home for Children. The age of the child when all this happens is another major factor.
You have a blue gem for rep, that's amazing

I was in a care home for a short while as a kid. Hated it, horrible place.
0
reply
Huskaris
Badges: 16
Rep:
?
#12
Report 6 years ago
#12
Best of luck to you you sound like you have great intentions. I would urge you to adopt if you can. Going through the foster process can be torturous for both the child and foster parents especially when you develop such a strong bond. Of course there's always the possibility of fostering then choosing to adopt that child! :-). I still keep in contact with the family who I was with before I was adopted, like a third family to me, but some of the others were pretty awful, fostering is in many ways harder than adoption.
2
reply
redferry
Badges: 17
Rep:
?
#13
Report 6 years ago
#13
(Original post by BlackHawk)
Brilliantly helpful, thank you. We're going to go through a military adoption agency I think.

Our daughter is desperate for a sibling and mentions it a couple of times a week. We would make sure that she is a part of the process and understands what's going on.

From what I've read from the agency we would have two interviews, a 4 day residential training course and then we would be reviewed by the adoption panel.
No idea how a military adoption agency works Im afraid, I assume it pretty similar!

Anyway the best of luck, feel free to ask me any questions
0
reply
EveandElla
Badges: 1
Rep:
?
#14
Report 6 years ago
#14
(Original post by Huskaris)
I still keep in contact with the family who I was with before I was adopted, like a third family to me, but some of the others were pretty awful, fostering is in many ways harder than adoption.
You are 100% correct. Some foster carers are brilliant others were just in it for the money.
0
reply
EveandElla
Badges: 1
Rep:
?
#15
Report 6 years ago
#15
(Original post by BlackHawk)
Thank you so much, the links you sent me are great
I assume you didn't want to subscribe to the newsletter then? The latest issue has just gone out by email if you change your mind.
0
reply
LukeM90
Badges: 15
Rep:
?
#16
Report 6 years ago
#16
It's not exctly the same but I lived with my mums partners family (we all lived together) for a big part of my life and his sons felt like brothers, but one of his sons wasnt even his kid (he raised an old ex's kid as his own because she was a bad mother) I know thats not exactly the same but he was the oldest and seemed just like any other son of his, heck before I knew I just thought he was his own kid xD

but they all seemed to get on great tbh, and the fostered son seemed very greatful/respectful towards the guy(didnt like his mum after finding out about her) and loved his brothers having known them since babies (hes a good bit older)

Similarly I never rele knew my dad and for a large portion of my life this guy was like a father figure to me, and it was really good for my own development, felt like a part of my life which was missing was restored.

Again I know this isnt exactly the right answer but I'm just giving my own experiences of similar situation
0
reply
emilywhelan_
Badges: 0
Rep:
?
#17
Report 4 years ago
#17
Hi, I am writing a dissertation based upon separating siblings in foster care.
Does anyone have any comments or personal experiences regarding this? Even comment on why it was beneficial to keep you together with siblings, why it is good/bad generally etc

Thanks x
0
reply
X

Quick Reply

Attached files
Write a reply...
Reply
new posts
Back
to top
Latest
My Feed

See more of what you like on
The Student Room

You can personalise what you see on TSR. Tell us a little about yourself to get started.

Personalise

Are you worried that a cap in student numbers would affect your place at uni?

Yes (130)
59.09%
No (48)
21.82%
Not sure (42)
19.09%

Watched Threads

View All