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leaving my bf for uni
i mite sound really stupid now but i dont know wot im goin to do and its on my mind 24/7 at the moment.ill be going to university in september but my bf isnt.weve been together a year now and were really close but i dont know whats going to happen in september.of course i dont want to break up with him but i dont want to be known as 'the one whos always txting the bf' either - if u get wot i mean. also hes sayin 'oo well be ok - ill come down to see u at weekends all the time' but in a way i dont want that either because ive never really been away from home and im going to find it hard enough as it is settling in and making friends.but he doesnt seem to understand this!!
any advice??
becky xx
any advice??
becky xx
Scroll to see replies
Reply 1
umm well i guess just give it a try for a week or so.. and see how it goes.. if u like it then stay with him
but many people suggest not having a boyf whilst studying.. coz ur work sometimes gets worse as a result.. but if u 2 r ok then its cool.. but me n my boyf argue like everyday... he made me mess up my alevels!!
but many people suggest not having a boyf whilst studying.. coz ur work sometimes gets worse as a result.. but if u 2 r ok then its cool.. but me n my boyf argue like everyday... he made me mess up my alevels!!
Reply 2
i'm in exactly the same position as you, and me and my boyfriend just agreed that we wait and see what happens. i'm going away the whole summer, so basically this next month is the only time i'm gonna spend with him for 3 years.
anyway, loads of people are in your position, and you'll regret it if you decide to finish it now, so see what happens.
as for him visiting you, maybe he could do that after you've settled in and have made friends etc.
in uni you're probably gonna change, and he might not. the trick is to share your feelings and keep up the communication..i figured.
anyway, loads of people are in your position, and you'll regret it if you decide to finish it now, so see what happens.
as for him visiting you, maybe he could do that after you've settled in and have made friends etc.
in uni you're probably gonna change, and he might not. the trick is to share your feelings and keep up the communication..i figured.
Reply 3
I don't think seeing him on weekends would be such a bad thing for you. You will find a lot of people at University end up going home at weekends, or doing their own thing in general. So you won't be missing out if you see him at those times.
The search function is your friend.
http://www.thestudentroom.co.uk/showthread.php?t=239993
http://www.thestudentroom.co.uk/showthread.php?t=239993
Reply 5
im in the same position too. weve bin together for 9 months and the longest weve bin apart is 4 days. wer completely obsessd wit each other n he has probably affected my A level grades but its my fault for choosin him over revision. Im dreadin leavin him to go uni and he sed we wil be fine n il see him at weekends etc. I jus dnt wna be the miserable one who misses her bf. My bro and now sis in law got thro it and now they r married so we can do it too! It will be so hard n im very tempted to stay up here 4 him but i think il regret doing that later on.
Reply 6
L4YER
split up...... ur not gonna get married..etc so just dump him and have a laugh at uni. dont try the long distance thing.. trust me it just leads to problems.... your flatmates want to go out....... you are invited... but your boyfriend wants you to stay in and speak on the phone. BORING freshers week
BUT if he understands that you wanna have fun, i'm sure it'll be ok. uni is about having fun (and working too..) so he should be able to give you some space. but i have heard that almost everyone who starts out in a relationship finishes it within a week of starting uni. but as long as you don't feel tied down, i don't see why it wouldn't work.
I think loads of people have this problem every year, and ultimately it's about making a sacrifice, on one side or the other. I am just advising cos I've been on both sides of this: I had a boyfriend who went to uni while I was still at school, and we decided to break up before he went, and also when I started uni my boyfriend and I were going to break up but we ended up staying together for a while.
If you stay together then yes, it could work. You don't have to be obsessive about it, just make time to talk to him regularly and don't keep contacting him in between that. Agree to meet a minimum number of times each term and stick to it, as when you know how long you have to wait to see him it makes things a lot easier. Make sure you're realistic though - your relationship will be different to how it was, there's no avoiding that. Your meetings will be infrequent and only talking on the phone for long periods of time is really tough, you have to be strong to get through it. Also, depending on how often you decide to meet up, you will lose out on the social front because of it. At university, especially at the beginning, everything goes so fast. You meet hundreds of people in the space of weeks and having to miss weekends to see a boyfriend will almost certainly prevent you participating as much in university life. It is a bubble to a certain extent, especially for freshers, and breaking the bubble can be hard. I should imagine it will be even tougher on your boyfriend, who will be the one left at home and will probably find it hard to understand the pressures of your new life, having not experienced it himself. But as I said, if you make sure he meets your friends, feels secure and that you don't see him too often, your relationship could adjust and work out. University holidays are very long as well so there won't be too much time spent apart.
However, it is a sad fact that in the vast majority of cases like yours the couple will end up breaking up, either sooner or later. My most recent ex and I wanted to end it before starting university, but we just couldn't. It lasted the first time but our relationship was so pressurised and we argued so much more when we weren't with each other that it ended. We were realistic: we don't want to get married yet, we will be hundreds of miles apart for the next 3 years, we have a lot of life experience to gain yet and we'd be more productive in doing that if we were single. While I hope we get back together for good one day you can see the logic in breaking up.
Basically, if it's true love it can last, but if it's true love surely it can wait?
If you stay together then yes, it could work. You don't have to be obsessive about it, just make time to talk to him regularly and don't keep contacting him in between that. Agree to meet a minimum number of times each term and stick to it, as when you know how long you have to wait to see him it makes things a lot easier. Make sure you're realistic though - your relationship will be different to how it was, there's no avoiding that. Your meetings will be infrequent and only talking on the phone for long periods of time is really tough, you have to be strong to get through it. Also, depending on how often you decide to meet up, you will lose out on the social front because of it. At university, especially at the beginning, everything goes so fast. You meet hundreds of people in the space of weeks and having to miss weekends to see a boyfriend will almost certainly prevent you participating as much in university life. It is a bubble to a certain extent, especially for freshers, and breaking the bubble can be hard. I should imagine it will be even tougher on your boyfriend, who will be the one left at home and will probably find it hard to understand the pressures of your new life, having not experienced it himself. But as I said, if you make sure he meets your friends, feels secure and that you don't see him too often, your relationship could adjust and work out. University holidays are very long as well so there won't be too much time spent apart.
However, it is a sad fact that in the vast majority of cases like yours the couple will end up breaking up, either sooner or later. My most recent ex and I wanted to end it before starting university, but we just couldn't. It lasted the first time but our relationship was so pressurised and we argued so much more when we weren't with each other that it ended. We were realistic: we don't want to get married yet, we will be hundreds of miles apart for the next 3 years, we have a lot of life experience to gain yet and we'd be more productive in doing that if we were single. While I hope we get back together for good one day you can see the logic in breaking up.
Basically, if it's true love it can last, but if it's true love surely it can wait?
Reply 8
I'm in exactly the same position, and to be honest I really just want to end our relationship just now before it gets all complicated, but he's adamant that we can keep going (him being 21, going to graduate in a year and me 18, going to a 7yr degree practically) I said I'd give it a try for this year, but I've been hinting and making it clear that I doubt it'll last after 1st year etc.
It's just a year. *sigh*
It's just a year. *sigh*
yossarianlives
I'm in exactly the same position, and to be honest I really just want to end our relationship just now before it gets all complicated, but he's adamant that we can keep going (him being 21, going to graduate in a year and me 18, going to a 7yr degree practically) I said I'd give it a try for this year, but I've been hinting and making it clear that I doubt it'll last after 1st year etc.
It's just a year. *sigh*
It's just a year. *sigh*
What? If you feel like that then you really should end it... I was very reluctant to let my ex go and even that only lasted a term! You shouldn't be pushed into dragging it out, I think if you know it's going to end anyway you should just tell him.
Reply 10
ciara
What? If you feel like that then you really should end it... I was very reluctant to let my ex go and even that only lasted a term! You shouldn't be pushed into dragging it out, I think if you know it's going to end anyway you should just tell him.
Well, I mean, I do love him and I would love to make it work, but its just... not seeing him all the time etc.
But if I did try to break up with him it would break his heart. And I don't really want to do that either.
Reply 11
i have the opposite problem,i will be starting a new relationship when i start uni ( sounds strange but i met the guy when i went down to visit and have stayed in touch) in one way i think its great, he's lovely and it will be nice to have someone there i know but as its becoming nearer to actually going im worried ill miss out on uni life,going out,having no time, making friends....am i being silly?
Reply 12
I'm sort of in the same position, but have been in the opposite role, too. I'd been friends with my boyfriend for a while but started going out with him during the holidays. He then had to go back to uni, and I was still in sixth form. We stayed together and its actually worked fairly well, for 18 months. However he'll finish at uni this year, and I'll start in September! Seems so unfair, really.. *sigh* To make things even more akward, he's applying to the RAF, so it'll be even more time apart for us.
Still, I think that some couples will definately be able to make the long-distance uni thing work. Just try it and see! Don't let it ruin your time at university though, I think you won't really be able to tell how it feels until you've tried it. Try not to think about it in the meantime (enjoy the long summer you'll have together!) Hope it all works out ok for you, feel free to PM me if you want a whinge!
Still, I think that some couples will definately be able to make the long-distance uni thing work. Just try it and see! Don't let it ruin your time at university though, I think you won't really be able to tell how it feels until you've tried it. Try not to think about it in the meantime (enjoy the long summer you'll have together!) Hope it all works out ok for you, feel free to PM me if you want a whinge!
Reply 13
If you say in to him in the first week the you might be a bit busy as you will be settling in and getting people so if he is prepared that your not going to be on the phone to him all the time for the first week. Seeing him at weekends should be fine in my flat at uni most of my flatmates spent time with b.friends/visited home/various other activities but we still get on really well and just go out during the week instead and since most bars have student offers during weeks this works best.
L4YER
split up...... ur not gonna get married..etc so just dump him and have a laugh at uni. dont try the long distance thing.. trust me it just leads to problems.... your flatmates want to go out....... you are invited... but your boyfriend wants you to stay in and speak on the phone. BORING freshers week
I agree but I'm in the same position as everyone else sort of. I also said that I would never go to uni with a bf jst because it would be annoying. However, now I'm going out with someone I'm sort of in two minds because part of me wants to split an the other part of me doesn't. Do you think its best just to go while we're still together and see what happens.
I would say go for it - even if it doesn't work you can at least say you tried. One of the blokes in my flat last year came to uni with a girlfriend. He was here, she was back home still in the sixth form, and not surprisingly it was over by Christmas. At least 2 of us in our flat found boyfriends in our first term.
Reply 16
I'd agree with the earlier posters. See how it works. I had friends my second year in college who did the long distance thing for about three years. It worked for them. It doesn't work for others.
Prolly the most important thing is communication; that he's able to understand you when you say you'd like the opportunity to be away from home. Not necessarily go out and party and have random sexual encounters (unless that's what you're looking for) but just to be able to immerse yourself in the atmosphere without hurting his feeling when you've gotta run out to chill with your suite mates for whatever event.
Best of Luck,
m
Prolly the most important thing is communication; that he's able to understand you when you say you'd like the opportunity to be away from home. Not necessarily go out and party and have random sexual encounters (unless that's what you're looking for) but just to be able to immerse yourself in the atmosphere without hurting his feeling when you've gotta run out to chill with your suite mates for whatever event.
Best of Luck,
m
L4YER
split up...... ur not gonna get married..etc so just dump him and have a laugh at uni. dont try the long distance thing.. trust me it just leads to problems.... your flatmates want to go out....... you are invited... but your boyfriend wants you to stay in and speak on the phone. BORING freshers week
A relationship without trust is obviously going to fail anyway. And you don't need to be getting off with people to avoid being boring.
I completely 100% disagree with everything in that post. Except that you will be invited to go out!
Reply 18
My boyfriend and I were worried about how it would work, but his first year's almost over and we're still together. Admittedly yes, he has missed out on university life to come home and be with me (I've got a Saturday job, so I've hardly been able to go and see him at all, but he understands why that is), but we've seen each other every two weeks (except during his exams) and we talk on the phone and MSN and it seems to work.
I agree with Ciara on a lot of points though- it is a much more pressurised relationship, and we have ended up arguing more, mostly my fault. I also got very jealous during his first term there, and hated the fact that I didn't know the people he was going out with, or couldn't really picture where he was and what he was doing. I really got upset that he had this whole new life whilst I was stuck at home. Going up to visit helped that a lot, but also I had to tell him how I was feeling. I did end up talking to him about it though, and it helps. A lot. Being honest about your feelings and worries is obviously a big part of any relationship, but it has to be even more so if you're separated from each other, as if you aren't seeing one another then it's a lot easier to blow things out of proportion and start questioning your feelings for one another, if that makes any sense? I'm also very lucky that he's very patient and put up with me during those less-than-fantastic moments.
Yes, the relationship is very different, and at first it's really hard for both parties. But if you want to make the effort and don't mind making sacrifices (mainly in your social life) for it then it can work. But then again, do you want it to? My boyfriend and I were never going to split up before university, we were just going to see how it panned out once he got there. So I don't know if having doubts now shows that maybe you'd rather start university fresh and without the added pressure of someone at home, or not :/
I agree with Ciara on a lot of points though- it is a much more pressurised relationship, and we have ended up arguing more, mostly my fault. I also got very jealous during his first term there, and hated the fact that I didn't know the people he was going out with, or couldn't really picture where he was and what he was doing. I really got upset that he had this whole new life whilst I was stuck at home. Going up to visit helped that a lot, but also I had to tell him how I was feeling. I did end up talking to him about it though, and it helps. A lot. Being honest about your feelings and worries is obviously a big part of any relationship, but it has to be even more so if you're separated from each other, as if you aren't seeing one another then it's a lot easier to blow things out of proportion and start questioning your feelings for one another, if that makes any sense? I'm also very lucky that he's very patient and put up with me during those less-than-fantastic moments.
Yes, the relationship is very different, and at first it's really hard for both parties. But if you want to make the effort and don't mind making sacrifices (mainly in your social life) for it then it can work. But then again, do you want it to? My boyfriend and I were never going to split up before university, we were just going to see how it panned out once he got there. So I don't know if having doubts now shows that maybe you'd rather start university fresh and without the added pressure of someone at home, or not :/
beckyjones01
i mite sound really stupid now but i dont know wot im goin to do and its on my mind 24/7 at the moment.ill be going to university in september but my bf isnt.weve been together a year now and were really close but i dont know whats going to happen in september.of course i dont want to break up with him but i dont want to be known as 'the one whos always txting the bf' either - if u get wot i mean. also hes sayin 'oo well be ok - ill come down to see u at weekends all the time' but in a way i dont want that either because ive never really been away from home and im going to find it hard enough as it is settling in and making friends.but he doesnt seem to understand this!!
any advice??
becky xx
any advice??
becky xx
Tell him that you don't want a relationship: clearly, you're not mature enough to handle one.
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