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How can growing up without a mother affect a child?

We have all heard about the million children growing up without fathers but I wanted to draw attention to a rarer but similar issue, growing up without a mother.

What effects can this have on a child, especially if the mother is absent for practically all of the childs life? Also, if the mother neglected the child and never showed the child any love and basically abandoned the child. This could have bad psychological effects couldn't it?

Have any of you grown up without your mothers? I'd love to hear some of your experiences if you have.

How can growing up without a mother affect a child? Discuss.
(edited 10 years ago)

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Reply 1
How can growing up without a mother affect a child?
Reply 2
I feel for those who grew up without a mother; mum's the most important person in the world for me.
Growing up without a parent is nothing less of traumatic. An absent mother is obviously going to result in some bitterness.

Just came across this-
http://strollwithoutshoes.com/2013/05/11/growing-up-without-a-mother-five-women-share-their-story/

I can't even begin to imagine how guys without mums feel, with societal pressure, 'men don't weep' and crap like that.
This is where Attachment Theory would come in.

Growing up, as a child in a neglectful household would cause numerous difficulties throughout life. Not being able to form attachment with the primary caregiver (usually the mother) would hinder social and emotional development, confidence, the ability to make and maintain healthy relationships... The list is endless. Children who grow up in neglectful and abusive, households learn to see the world in a 'unsafe' way and often suffer trauma as a result.


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Excuse the typos I'm on my ipad and kept hitting the comma by mistake.


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Reply 5
I don't know because fortunately it hasn't happened to me, it depends whether the mother died or is still alive and refuses to associate with the child or is neglectful.

Also if the child has other positive influences like their father, siblings or other family members/friends.

If the mother has died, there's likely to be sadness, whereas if a mother was abusive/neglectful it could be resentment, anger, trust issues or high sensitivity. I know of someone whose mother was very abusive; she seems happy enough now but refuses to go anywhere near her and she's highly strung at inoffensive things.

I'm very grateful for both my parents. I believe people do cope eventually but it's obviously understandable why they'd behave in the way I outlined above.
It puts you at risk of various ailments such as metabolic syndrome, anxiety disorders, depression etc. This also occurs in families where there is a mother but she is inattentive.

You should read Robert Sapolsky's "Why zebras don't get ulcers". He's got an entire chapter on this stuff about pre- and post-natal childhood wrt stress and diseases.
Original post by cowsforsale
It puts you at risk of various ailments such as metabolic syndrome, anxiety disorders, depression etc. This also occurs in families where there is a mother but she is inattentive.

You should read Robert Sapolsky's "Why zebras don't get ulcers". He's got an entire chapter on this stuff about pre- and post-natal childhood wrt stress and diseases.


You're a Robert Sapolsky fan too? :eek:
Also at OP, I didn't grow up without a mum but I didn't grow up without a dad. I think it all depends on the nature of the situation and also the person as to whether or not it affects them greatly.
Reply 8
Original post by Ripper-Roo
I don't know because fortunately it hasn't happened to me, it depends whether the mother died or is still alive and refuses to associate with the child or is neglectful.

Also if the child has other positive influences like their father, siblings or other family members/friends.

If the mother has died, there's likely to be sadness, whereas if a mother was abusive/neglectful it could be resentment, anger, trust issues or high sensitivity. I know of someone whose mother was very abusive; she seems happy enough now but refuses to go anywhere near her and she's highly strung at inoffensive things.

I'm very grateful for both my parents. I believe people do cope eventually but it's obviously understandable why they'd behave in the way I outlined above.


The mother neglected the child when she was alive and never really saw the child. She din't really show love for him and then she died when he was 5 from drug addiction problems. He never knew her really.
This is often the argument against gay marriage & adoption - that there's no mother involved (ridiculous btw, gay people make just as good parents.). I don't think that there really is any long lasting traumatic damage for children who haven't grown up with a mother from when they were a baby. If they lose their mother later on I think it can be hugely traumatic, but equally if they lose their father later on.
Reply 10
Original post by thoyub
The mother neglected the child when she was alive and never really saw the child. She din't really show love for him and then she died when he was 5 from drug addiction problems. He never knew her really.


He may not have memories of her behaviour or lack of affection, but the circumstances surrounding her death would really 'sting' and have an effect on his development. Also, children bond with their mothers and this affects their development as well, so in the absence of memories, he could still develop the personality disorders that have been mentioned previously. A really horrible situation though that should never be inflicted upon an innocent child.
Reply 11
Original post by Ripper-Roo
He may not have memories of her behaviour or lack of affection, but the circumstances surrounding her death would really 'sting' and have an effect on his development. Also, children bond with their mothers and this affects their development as well, so in the absence of memories, he could still develop the personality disorders that have been mentioned previously. A really horrible situation though that should never be inflicted upon an innocent child.


Ok..Thanks..
I didn't have a proper Mother. She abandoned me as a baby and I had a number of foster placements and then several years in a Children's Home. I didn't see my birth mother again until she turned up un-invited at my wedding (the birth father preferred to play golf instead!) Most of my friends from the Home either didn't have or never saw birth parents except perhaps for odd days. Ella was abused by her Mum and Dad and never sees them.
(edited 10 years ago)
Reply 13
Original post by EveandElla
I didn't have a proper Mother. She abandoned me as a baby and I had a number of foster placements and then several years in a Children's Home. I didn't see my birth mother again until she turned up un-invited at my wedding (the birth father preferred to play golf instead!) Most of my friends from the Home either didn't have or never saw birth parents except perhaps for odd days. Ella was abused by her Mum and Dad and never sees them. My blog tells the story.


Thanks, I know how you feel because I was abandoned too, technically. I was left to live with a father who was kind of abusive. My mother ran off with another man so yeah. And my mother never saw me or tried to see me and eventually she died. I don't think I ever saw her that much at all, maybe on one or two occasions? And one of them was when I was born I expect :tongue: She just left basically and went into drugs and stuff. So I know how you feel :smile:

I will look at your blog, it seems very interesting. Thank you for your reply.
Reply 14
Original post by aari
I feel for those who grew up without a mother; mum's the most important person in the world for me.
Growing up without a parent is nothing less of traumatic. An absent mother is obviously going to result in some bitterness.

Just came across this-
http://strollwithoutshoes.com/2013/05/11/growing-up-without-a-mother-five-women-share-their-story/

I can't even begin to imagine how guys without mums feel, with societal pressure, 'men don't weep' and crap like that.


I looked at the website, it gave me hope. Thank you for the link and your reply.
Reply 15
Original post by thoyub
Thanks, I know how you feel because I was abandoned too, technically. I was left to live with a father who was kind of abusive. My mother ran off with another man so yeah. And my mother never saw me or tried to see me and eventually she died. I don't think I ever saw her that much at all, maybe on one or two occasions? And one of them was when I was born I expect :tongue: She just left basically and went into drugs and stuff. So I know how you feel :smile:

I will look at your blog, it seems very interesting. Thank you for your reply.


I'm sorry. No child must have to go through that. Though I daresay, you're better off without a mother that stays and doesn't care about anything but her addiction. Take care, Thoyub.

Original post by thoyub
I looked at the website, it gave me hope. Thank you for the link and your reply.


You're welcome. :smile:
I feel I am trying deal with the fallout this can cause (and failing). Parents divorced when I was 6, at the custody hearing my mother never appeared as she had gone on holiday, so custody was given to my father. I loved my dad, but he was not an overly emotionally person, no hugs or such. What neither of them realised though was that I just did not lose my mother, I lost aunts, uncles, cousins, and grandparents (my fathers side of the family had never been present). My family was an emotionally cold environment, an older abusive bullying brother, and an emotionally absent father. I am 43 now and find I resent so much, so many people. Even my father who after all said and done always put his kids first. He passed a few years back and every day I miss him. I don't seem to be able to move on, I am shackled by my past, and other peoples errors. Then I feel "cheap" as I am blaming my problems on others. Am lost, may be putting this out in the world will help somehow.
Reply 17
my mother left me when I was 5 and she was replaced by an abusive stepmother..I am 47 and still suffer deeply from the trauma.....would like to use my situation for research or to help other/ Can any one steer me in the right direction?
Reply 18
Original post by anka1918
my mother left me when I was 5 and she was replaced by an abusive stepmother..I am 47 and still suffer deeply from the trauma.....would like to use my situation for research or to help other/ Can any one steer me in the right direction?

or i could write more here?
very emotional reading this thread, try to look on the bright side everyone! Having a mother is great or anyone else in your family for that matter but you can always turn it around and still find happiness from somewhere else.