This discussion is now closed.

Check out other Related discussions

Academic success versus a friendship?

quintsy

resolved

Scroll to see replies

Reply 1

Anonymous #1

I've recently lost a friend (well a whole group of them) at uni because apparently the person i considered one of my closest friends was jealous of me. Not that i can see why, i don't have a lot that she would want, but i do better than her academically, and since she couldn't sabotage that she slowly turned people against me.

I didn't see the jealousy myself, and to be honest i don't know if i agree its as simple as that. I know there were some issues that she had mentioned like "i wish i was as skinny as you" or "its alright for you you're clever/have a boyfriend/have more friends" etc. Unfortunately now i have no friends, and a large part of my year avoid me because she told them some very personal things about me.

Don't compromise your education for anyone. I didn't even know she was jealous, but had i done, i wouldn't have done anything differently. I liked her, and didn't want her to be jealous but i would not make myself look bad for her self esteem. Now i have very few friends, but i'd rather that then people i couldn't trust.

I know the mods know who this is writing but i know people on my course read this, hence the anon!

Reply 2

always + forever

why don't you speak to her about it? like - when she sighs and tuts when you up your hand up, just causually ask her what she's doing? Tell her that it's annoying you - or alternatively, do it to her?

Reply 3

SevenDeuceOff

If she's not willing to put aside her academics in favour of friendship, then why should you? She's the one that has the problem, not you. :rolleyes:

Reply 4

quintsy

Anonymous- I'm so sorry. It's terrible to lose your friends, no matter how badly they treat you, or what events transpire. She does sound pretty similar to my best friend though- she always says: "You're skinnier than me; you're too skinny", or "You're too clever; you make me look bad".

At times I've jokingly questioned the sighing after she does it, and she just says: "You're showing off. You say it in such a tone like you pretend you don't know you're right, but really you know you're right." I've tried to explain that the times I do put up my hand I don't know if it's right or not, and I genuinely am uncertain- hence the tone, but she won't have any of it.

I would do it to her but she really hates speaking in class, and the subjects she loves, such as science, I'm not with her for. Plus I'm really not competitive at all, and my heart really wouldn't be in it hehe.

I'm considering saying something to my teacher tomorrow morning. I missed the lesson on Friday anyway, so I was going to use it as an excuse to see him and ask if there's any work I need to do, but really I want to explain the whole reticence thing. I don't know why it bothers me that much.. it just seems so negative? And I could never be described as reserved, so it just gets to me that I've come across that way.

The only problem is, I have to do it:

a) In such a way so that he doesn't try to tell either my head of year or form tutor, who will try to resolve it and get us to talk about it (which would frankly be embarrassing, because my own best friend would wonder why I didn't come to her, and she doesn't know I know what he said at parents evening, as I heard it from other people.

b) When noone else is around. Because of all the things he says about me people have been err.. talking. And I don't want my friends to see me do it either, because I want to keep it to myself.

Aughh I feel so terrible. I don't want her to hate me.. but I can't even talk to her about it. She's said herself that she is a "terribly cocky/arrogant person" who "hates to admit anyone has beaten her". Plus it might seem slightly egotistical of me and patronising: "I've been holding back in lessons because I don't want you to get mad at me, but if I put my hand up more you won't hate me will you?"

I'm a bad person.

Reply 5

Note

The tutting would piss me right off. I gave you my thoughts on the subject in your other thread, but this seems to have gotten more petty of her now and the fact that it is so blatently obvious to your teachers shows a great deal to worry about.

Next time she tuts ask her what she's tutting at. If she can't answer truthfully that tells you something - she is embarrased of her jealousy and thus you should ignore it and carry on to your full ability. If she does answer truthfully, bring the whole thing out into the open and resolve this once and for all.

I understand you may not want to lose her as a friend, but jeapordising yourself over it? Come on. I don't mean to be mean or anything, but friendships at this stage in your life AREN'T such a big deal. They will be short lived and fleeting. Whats the likelyhood that you will still meet up with her in 4 years time?

I suggest getting some other friends. By hanging out with people who are better than you, you can strive for betterment and ot be held back by them. If you want to keep her as a friend, don't jeapordise and restrict yourself for her. Ignore her insecure, jealous, competitive crap and do your best; bring it out into the open and conront her about it or dump her bitching little ass.

Btw, I'm really sorry for the agressiveness of this post. I really hate to see people held back.

Reply 6

quintsy

Thanks

I just feel so stupid that I can't even talk to her about it. I'm absolutely torn- part of me wants to put my hand up more, as it would help with improving my pronunciation in the long run and it would hopefully quash this reticence idea; but part of me doesn't want to hurt her.

I hear what you're saying, but it's really hard to say to yourself at this age how the friendships are unlikely to last in the future. At 15 odd, friends seem like one of the most important things in your life, and it's hard to be honest with yourself and say that you come first.

Don't worry about agressiveness. Seriously, I'm just relieved that nobody's yelled at me about how insensitive/egotistical I am yet, because I just re-read my first post, and man I sound like all of those things.

Possibly won't come as a surprise that another issue raised at report reading was my apparent "lack of self confidence", which was "clear from just talking to me". :smile:

Reply 7

Note

Yea, issues like these tend to get me worked up. Ok, heres a question. Why haven't you seriously brought this up with her? I mean aside from it would be awkward, I understand that, but surely you would be able to initiate a mature calm conversation about what is going on. Re talking to your tutor and him/her telling your head of year, you may want to stem that off straight away by telling your head of year. Also explain that you are taking steps to solve the situation and would like to handle it yourself, but thought that he/she should know.

Reply 8

quintsy

I know I really should talk to her, but I absolutely cannot stand confrontation, and I really don't know how to phrase it. It's a personality trait which she said she'd love to lose, but she can't. I suppose if you're naturally a certain way, it's really hard to get yourself out of that way of thinking. Plus being slightly competitive might even be helpful in the long run, i.e. as an incentive to make you do better. But everything in moderation as they say.

I would go to my head of year, but we don't get on brilliantly. To explain it in [very] short, she's a PE teacher; I want to be a PE teacher; she's aware of this; I however am not a netballer or a long distance runner and as a result of this, she is convinced that I am terrible at all things sportif I'm going to fail (and has told me so) and I'm wasting my time with this dream. :smile:

I think she's a really good person, but to be honest I think she's pretty sick of the sight of me- way too enthusiastic for my own good.. and having these pipe dreams of something which will never happen. When I went to give her a Christmas card on the last day of term and to thank her for helping out with my friend who had an eating disorder, she just saw me and said: "What is it this time? I'm late as it is" *rolls eyes*.

Needless to say, I went bright red, stammered: "I only wanted to give you a card" (Which sounds absolutely pathetic now I think about it) and ran. At least she looked pretty guilty. :smile:

So that's why I can't go to her. :smile:

Reply 9

Note

suuuuuuseh

Plus being slightly competitive might even be helpful in the long run, i.e. as an incentive to make you do better.

Yes, it can make you want to get better, but what she's doing is bringing others down to her level instead of bringing herself up to theirs.

suuuuuuseh

How about bringing it up next time it's relevant. Next time she does something question it. I understand that you will probably be in the middle of a class at the time, but maybe quickly mention it to her there and say "we will talk after class" and do it then. Don't worry about how to phrase it, just tell her what's been happening. From the sound of it, she has already identified she has this problem and so you pointing it out will create a greater sense of urgency for her to get rid of it. Maybe you could mention it to her in a sympathetic way if she realises she is like that and wants to change it and suggest something to help her get rid of it such as "I will point it out every time you do something like this".

Reply 10

quintsy

That's a good point. If I don't have the courage to bring it up myself, the next time she mentions how competitive she is (which she does on a fairly regular basis) I could say to her that she is at times, but it wouldn't be too hard to correct. And then she might even feel better about it if it's less of an attack, and more of a "something can be done about this".

I just really don't want to sound egotistical or patronising towards her. I mean normally she's the dominant one out of us two, and it's often simple to just let her make the decisions and I just go along with them. Not the greatest way to live life, I know, but at the time it seemed the most convenient option for everyone, and it coincided with a pretty harsh rumour and me losing quite a few friends as a result.

Reply 11

Note

Ah... this puts a different spin on things. The fact that you think she is dominant means it's not so much about you not liking confrontation etc. and more about her having some sort of a control over you. I'm not saying its strong or absolute or even isolated to her, but she is controlling you. Essentially it's her making the decisions on how well you do in class, how well you learn and apply yourself and even down to if you raise your hand or the inflections in your voice when answering teachers questions.

Good idea about bringing it up next time she mentions it and if she spits this all up and gets in a huff I really think that would be an ideal time to cut your losses and start hanging out with other people if it looks like she won't be reasonable at any point about her attitude.

Reply 12

SevenDeuceOff

Seriously, your friend sounds like a horrible, egocentric person. It's not healthy to be friends with somebody like that and not doing anything about it.

Reply 13

quintsy

I know, it's so stupid of me to even start doing it, but it just was the easiest thing at the time and it's hard to break the cycle now.

Another thing which complicates the situation further is that there is a rumour that this particular teacher has a thing for me. I think it's absolutely crazy, but my class are convinced that it's true, supposedly from the things he says to me, the way he acts etc. And if I'm seen talking to him at any time other than lessons.. people say things. Hence why it can't be a simple: talk to my teacher, get it over with.

The odd thing about her being quite dominating is that she does come across as quite insecure. She can't do things by herself- like at break if she needs the toilet someone has to accompany her to the toilets, or if she needs to speak to a teacher, and because of this dependency, she *has to* know where I am at all times.

Reply 14

Angelil

to the OP - this "friend" of yours sounds horrible! Friendship is surely about being able to talk about things, no matter how awkward or difficult, which both of you seem to have a problem with; and accepting your friends for how they are, which she clearly has a problem with.
I'd say that if talking to her doesn't work, you really don't need friends like that. If she really wants to be friends with you she won't let petty jealousy get in the way. If she does let it get in the way, then you really don't need her.

Reply 15

quintsy

/\Shaz\/

Seriously, your friend sounds like a horrible, egocentric person. It's not healthy to be friends with somebody like that and not doing anything about it.

I know you're right, but I really don't know what to do. It's so easy once you've got into the pattern of someone making all of the decisions for you just to let them keep doing it and not intervene. The sooner it stops; the beter, but how to get it to stop is the hardest part.

Reply 16

Angelil

I know how hard it can be. When I was about 13 I had a really manipulative friend who by the end of our friendship was making even the smallest decisions for me. Right after I made a new year's resolution not to let her manipulate me I ended up letting her feather my hair for some reason, and that really was the last straw. I remember it being tough and I suffered a lot of verbal abuse etc from her as a result but she eventually got the message and I came out on top - she was expelled age 15 and left school with 2 GCSEs despite being much cleverer than that, and I have every reason to believe that if I'd not got out of the friendship when I did, she'd have dragged me down with her.

Reply 17

quintsy

Wow- Angelil, you're certainly a stronger person than I am, it must have taken a lot of courage to do it. :smile:

I don't think she's manipulative, I think she's just a bit insecure, and having me kind of makes her feel stronger as a person. I believe she really could get better, and it's not something she deliberately does. But I'm so terrible with confrontation it would kill me to just get the words out.

Reply 18

Angelil

Believe it or not, I'm not great with confrontation either - I'd just had enough, and I think when you've had enough you can pull it out of the bag and surprise yourself. While the girl I was friends with was deliberately manipulative, I still think someone can be manipulative without doing it on purpose and I think your friend falls into this latter category. Hence why you need to talk to her.

Reply 19

clouddweller

Do you think, being honest with yourself, that what you have with this girl is even a friendship? If not in your eyes then in hers? She seems, to be brutally honest, to be a selfish and immature child. She probably feels massively out of control in her own life and wants to project control onto someone else. Trust yourself and your judgement; you seem pretty damn sure that you dont want to be friends with her, and who can blame you?, but you need to work up the extra confidence to break things off. A friend would never knowingly make you feel as bad as she seems to be making you feel, nor would they try to hamper your learning.
Im going to compare it to ripping off a plaster though I know the comparison doesnt do your problem justice- do it quickly and do it quietly. You'll be freer, happier, and you'll have emphasised once and for all that you're the mature one in the partnership (I cant call it a friendship, I just cant :redface: