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Trapped

I feel awful. It's all really complex, or it seems it in my head but there are things I believe about myself that scare me that I except them but I think they are true and I don't want them to be. I feel really trapped being so unhappy with myself and so heartbroken about other things.

I miss my godmother and dad who both died when I was 12 and wish I had a trusted adult role in my life that I could go to seek refuge and love. I don't have that with my mum and too much has happened for it to be possible. I had a really screwed up childhood and brought myself up for the last 6 years which I feel **** about.

I have a reputation. I have slept with quite a few guys for a girl of my age and it's always been consenting. A couple of guys took advantage when I was younger and now I simply view sex as a tool or procedure. I don't get verbal abuse for it but it's given that I'm a slag in our 'circle'.

I feel I'm a bad person. When I was young my dad died and my mum got a new boyfriend in under 6 months after, who lived with us in nine months after. Her and my dad were seperated for a year before I found out but I didn't know that until I visited my family on his side recently. My mum's boyfriend was really harsh to me, I spose because I was baggage and because I argued back he used to hit silence in me. By the time I left home I never spoke out because it wasn't worh the effort to me. I brought it up with my mum once and she said to me it was my fault, because I was bad and wound him up. Now I feel like every time someone is harsh to me it must be something I've done.

I am unhappy with how I look compared with everyone else. I am a size 12- 14 and all my friends are much smaller. I feel like people must think I'm such a ****** because of how I look.

I get told what a **** up I am by housemates. They tell me off for sleeping with guys but whenever I suggest a nice guy we know who I might fancy, they warn me off because I'll 'just **** him up'. I feel unsure what I'm meant to be doing, and like I'm only worth being someone's sex toy.

I met a guy who meant the world to me recently. In Easter I had a miscarriage and I was devestated. I stopped sleeping around and withdrew into myself. I cried and cried all the time. When I met steve I was just picking myself up and had only told one person about what had happened. I spose I blamed myself for it and was ashamed of it. I knew I would have had an abortion because I didn't know who the baby's dad's father was (i was in the first term) but it still hurt me so badly. I wouldn't let him touch me and eventualyl I confessed to him about what had happened. I told him what a secret it was and how hard it was to tell him and he held me.

He used to pick me up and I'd scream and he'd say trust me, I'd never let you get hurt. He told me he was going to look after me and whenever I said about other girls he called me paranoid. I was really scared of letting him get close to me and I told him and over a couple of weeks he gained my trust, he was so sweet to me when I refused to sleep with him and he treated me like I was worth something so I found myself falling in love with him.

There had been warning signs when we got together. He has a reputation as a player, he flirted with my friends and he'd always cheated on his other girlfriends but I wanted it to work. After the first couple of weeks he started to compare me to other girls in an unfavourable way and told me how no one else would want me and I was lucky to have him. He always said it in a teasing way but it cut deep. One day he was ****ing me about and went out without me after saying he'd take me, my friend was going to the gig he went to so she drove me up with her and when I got there he put his arm round me and tried to act like nothing happened. I felt awkward and later I told him but he said I was being stupid.

Then as we argued more I told him that he needed to shape up or get out of my life because I couldnt take it. I cried and he promised me he'd fix all the things he'd done to me, he said I was worth the effort.

The next day he picked me up from town and we came back to mine. By this point we'd slept together a couple of times and we're quite touchy feely. He was kissing me and groping me and then he stopped and asked me to sit up. At first I was kinda coy and then he was like ****ing sit up now so I did and he dumped me. I ran out of the room and wouldn't speak to him. THen he sent a message to my best friend telling her not to believe anything I said, he wasn't a bad person and he hoped they could become even better friends in the future.

He text and text me telling me I was a nice girl but that I brought a bad person in him so he had to stop that happening. I said so it's my fault and he said no you just make me nasty. I told him that was crap and after trying to bull**** he admitted yes it was he just got bored of me.

I was so upset I cried and cried and he tried to tell me it would all be ok. He said he wanted to be my friend and help me with all the stuff in my life. After a while I grew angry at him for treating me like I did and told him I didn't want to confide in him my problems.

Then last thursday I found out he'd asked out one of my friends while he was going out with me. I hit the roof and he was really condescending. We split up two weeks ago and he said I needed to move on because how I was was pathetic, yes he had come onto her but it didn't matter now and I had no right to bring it up because we weren't together. We argued and I told him he was lying selfish cheating scum.

The next day in town I saw him and ignored him because of this and he sent me a text being like arent you going to say hello? Then I went into where he works (a chain music store, the only place that gives a student discount) and his mate served me. He was near me and I knew he was watching me but I ignored him. His mate was watching him over my shoulder and then tried to persuade me I should speak to steve. I refused and walked off. Now the friend who he asked out is saying why did we split up and I have to tell her because his been stirring stuff between us.

I feel so hurt by how I was used by him and he lied. Sometimes I'll be doing things and I remember stuff happening, when we were still a good couple. The way he used to cuddle me and complain i stole all the duvet, the way he would wrap himself round me all posessively and how he'd stroke my hair out of my eyes softly. It hurts so much that I've lost him, especially when I was falling in love with him.

I lost my job (although I've found another) and my landlords given me notice in the two weeks since we broke up. He persuaded me to quit my job for my old job and then they laid me off because they were over staffed. My landlord gave me notice because my mood swings because I feel so unhappy are 'giving off bad vibes'. I think back to a couple of weeks ago when I had everything and it hurts me so much.

I've cut myself because of it but I'm worried because one has left a mark spelling out slag across my stomach and I'm worried someone will see. Sometimes I just want to run and run and run or kill myself but I ran away from my last lot of problems to end up where I am now and I've just picked up more along the way.

I feel so crap about myself and like this is all I'm worthy of. Sorry it's so long I just dunno what to do about everything.

Reply 1

Anonymous #2

First, this isnt your fault, he sounds like scum, he started off by making you feel how a bf ought to make you feel, and ended like an utter bastard.

If you can (maybe at work, or locally), perhaps try and see a councillor - about 80% of people will go and see one at some point in their lives, so if your feeling bad, its probably a good thing to do.

You sound like you've had some bad luck basically, its not gonna be like it is now forever. Hope your new job etc goes well, but try and speak to a professional, they might be able to help a bit more.

By the way, from what i can gather of what you said, youre not exactly a slut - if you were, you wouldnt care. Dont be so ahrsh on yourself based on what other people (who can be complete duckheads ;p) have said.

Reply 2

Anonymous #2

the typos in that are abominable.
*"By the way, from what i can gather of what you said, you're not exactly a slut - if you were, you wouldn't care. Dont be so harsh on yourself based on what other people (who can be complete ********s ;p) have said."

Reply 3

Glory

1

he sounds like a right nasty peice of work. You better off without him, may not seem like it now but trust me you are.

Here my advice you need to stay away from lads for a while. You need to be happy and respect yourself before you can expect any lad to, if you just keep jumping from lad to lad, there going to see you as an easy screw and something they can disrespect and take their temper out on.

If you focus on turning your life around, someone you truely deserve will find you and make your life complete. It wont happen quickly but the more you focus on yourself, making your self well and strong the better.

Reply 4

tanusha-tomsk

18

I think you need someone else to talk to about your problems, not a boyfriend. Like a teacher / lecturer / some distant relative / a girl friend. Try not to get into a relationship until you sort this stuff out for yourself, it will only complicate things.

Try to do more things that you *know* are good like sport (even if it means going to the gym alone) - this will make you feel better about yourself. Remember, whoever you were, you are not that person anymore. You sound like a very wise thinking girl on some levels, try to go with that. And if you get mood swings, try to write about you problems in a diary / here on TSR - by the time you write this up, it will be much clearer in your head and your anger will go away, you won't feel the need to self-harm. Anyone can change if they really want to.

Why don't you tell us good things about yourself? Can you paint? Sing? Are you good at maths? Do you like animals? Music? What books have you read? Do you use lipstick or lipgloss? What food do you like? Who did you want to be as a kid? What job do you do now? Go on, tell us!

Reply 5

dementedbunny

11

my goodness. please see a trained therapist. this might make it easier for you to get over things.

Reply 6

username47781

20

I would say get help because the way your going your heading for self-destruction, obviously your up bringing has not helped and what that steve person did to you was disgusting.

But the problem is like or not although its not your fault because you have taken all these guys and slept with them your reputation is getting around and you will get called a slapper, in reality i guess its cuz you crave attention but really do you want guys using your body like this and maybe ending up with an STI or Pregnant again, get help.

Reply 7

Big Fat Mel

"Variety is the Spice of Life"
I must say, however, that your problems are psychological. You are judging yourself - noone else is judging you. If you are concerned aboput everything, seek confidential help. If I were you, I would try not to worry about things. I try to be carefree, it helps, and you sound like the kind of person who would like to be.

Reply 8

Anonymous #1

OP

I see a counsellor at the moment but I don't always find it helpful.

I can't tell her some things because I'm under 18 and therefore can still be placed in state care and any allegations of violence have to then have social services brought in.

Also I feel like whining about a boy betraying my trust is pathetic when there are people in the world so worse off.

Reply 9

Logan

4

relationship at a very young age seems to make things **** up.. its maybe because of our immaturity on handling things.,.. and maybe because at this age we are vulnerable. This happened on my previous relationship(thats why im staying away from that stuff until i get pretty much settled)

but to be honest, people sometimes think that they are worse than what they really are.. that puts the negatives instead of the positives. Like a friend of mine who constantly said she was a garbage and had such a low self esteem. I always tried to tell her that she is thinking too much... she even tried to overdose herself with sleeping pills (her father was such a ****). Wellp, at least in some way i helped her recover from her issues...

just be confident of yourself

Reply 10

Logan

4

relationship at a very young age seems to make things **** up.. its maybe because of our immaturity on handling things.,.. and maybe because at this age we are vulnerable. This happened on my previous relationship(thats why im staying away from that stuff until i get pretty much settled)

but to be honest, people sometimes think that they are worse than what they really are.. that puts the negatives instead of the positives. Like a friend of mine who constantly said she was a garbage and had such a low self esteem. I always tried to tell her that she is thinking too much... she even tried to overdose herself with sleeping pills (her father was such a ****). Wellp, at least in some way i helped her recover from her issues...

just be confident of yourself

Trapped

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