I was raped 9 months ago and im just coming to terms with it and dealing with the pain. It took a long time for me to talk things through with people fully and to get it out in the open. Councillors have helped a little but i feel talking about it to friends and family alleviates the pain everytime you get it off chest. It happened when I was on a night out and was drunk and even though ive talked it though and realise im not to blame i still feel like i am deep down.
Before it happened i had slept with 3 people; 2 were boyfriends (1 of them being a long term one and the other being a short term one ie 3 weeks bit of a rebound fling) and one was a friend and we made a mistake.
I'm not into one night stands and felt ashamed about the friend thing as i was drunk at the time but i knew him. The fling i was also drunk a lot of the time (1st yr of uni, went mad) and regretted that but i was on the rebound trying to get over my long term b/f and i felt it was my way of dealing, getting drunk a lot and turning to someone else. I think i just wanted to feel loved after an intense but stormy relationship (he was older than me did drugs etc). I felt ashamed for what happened in my first yr on uni and feel like a complete **** and that i probably brought what happend 9 months ago on myself because i was drunk again.
I feel that i brought it on myself and anyone reading this will have read whats happened in my life before and be like well shes slept with other ppl before when drunk its her own fault. i know i was drunk but i said no, i dont do things like that with complete strangers.
Now 9 months and im getting back into things i feel guilty for having fun when im out. I dont drink alcohol anymore as i feel thats the reason i was targeted in the first place.
I just want to be loved too and feel guilty for feeling this , I feel im ready to have a commited intimate relationship , is it wrong for me to feel like this after a terrible ordeal such as rape. All i hear is people who have experienced this are afraid for a man to come near them again whereas i just want a sweet guy to love me and look after me, is this so wrong?
Sorry for the muddle i just wanted to get it off my chest there is no one to takl to here.
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Is it wrong to feel like this? watch
- 12-06-2006 22:52
- 12-06-2006 23:13
I cannot stress this strongly enough. You are not to blame AT ALL. That sick, disgusting excuse for a human being had complete control over his actions, you didn't force him to do that to you, he chose to. He purposely picked out a girl in a vulnerable state because he knew it'd make it easier for him to commit the rape. Never ever feel like you are responsible. That's how he wins. Perhaps getting drunk was not sensible of you, but no-one deserves to be raped, irrespective of their previous sex life, and that's that.
All i hear is people who have experienced this are afraid for a man to come near them again whereas i just want a sweet guy to love me and look after me, is this so wrong?
- 12-06-2006 23:16
Firstly i'm very sorry to hear what happened to you, it sounds like you've been through a horrific experience.
Secondly, it's not your fault. You didn't ask to be raped, in fact you asked not to yet he still did it. Nobody deserves to be raped. Nobody, whatever they have done in the past, whoever they have slept with and whatever the reasons behind it, nobody in this world deserves that kind of experience.
I think self blame is unfortunately a natural part of the healing process. Since it happened you've probably experienced a huge range of emotions, including anger that it could happen to you, anger that you let it happen, sadness and many others. The fact that you talk about getting into a new relationship is a definate positive, seems like you're ready to move on. But you must stop blaming yourself, i know it's easier said than done. But remember, if you had asked for it then by definition it wouldn't have been rape.
I hope you've been to the police about this. A great deal of closure can be found when the evil man is sentenced, and closure important.
I wasn't raped myself, but i have had experience with dealing with the rapes and assault of children at a school which i could (in theory) possibly have prevented.
If you need to chat then feel free to PM me.
- 12-06-2006 23:26
you quite clearly aren't to blame and it's blatently obvious to any impartial observer that there's absolutely no reason for you not to want to have another relationship and be loved. Anyone could tell you that the very fact that you can have fun when going out again is a good thing - it shows strength of character and courage. I have so much respect for you, for the way that you seem like you want to move on and talk it through and for the way you haven't developed some kind of hatred for men in general.
I really can't stress this enough, but seriously, it's very irrational (but probably natural i presume) to feel guilty etc. You've done well to get this far and to have such a healthy view of relationships, there's no reason to feel that you can't have another relationship at all.
- 12-06-2006 23:31
Thankyou very much for both of your comments, even now, its helpful to talk about it and hear peoples opinions.
It has been a whole host of emotions i have been going through these past months and i am always re analysing things but things are getting better.
I did go to the police but not to court because i was scared and ashamed if i had to see him again.
I am starting to heal, I am a strong person deep down even if some people think im not, i am and imm going to get through this, its just sometimes you need reassurance.
Thankyou, its comforting to know that there is someone to talk to when at times there isnt anyone here.
- 12-06-2006 23:42
If you need to talk to people then do. Your friends I'm sure would want to do anything to help you if they could. And from this thread, you definately do sound like a strong person. If you want to PM me at all then please do, even if you don't feel like it now but need someone to talk to in a couple of months - I won't have forgotton you.
- 12-06-2006 23:46
it really means a lot to me
- 12-06-2006 23:54
I am so sorry to hear of what happened to you. I was raped myself nearly 16 months ago, and i have gone through so many emotions and thoughts its unreal. My ex boyfriend spiked my drink at a party (we had broken up at this point) and then raped me. The first few months i was in shock, then it was the realisation and then the depression and anger and everything else. I too felt guilty for this, i was convinced because i had been drinking it was easier for him to spike my drink as he could just convince people i was drunk and out of it and stuff. I spent a long time not drinking because of feeling so guilty, but now i realise its irrational. I have had extensive counselling and i finally have realised this wasn't my fault. I know its a different situation to yours but it does have similarities, but rape is never, ever anyones fault. I would suggest perhaps that some more counselling might help. It didnt work for weeks, more like months for me but then things started to improve. I am due to finish my counselling after two more sessions and for the first time in a long time i'm feeling positive about life again. I used to speak to my friends a lot about how i was feeling, but im slowly and gradually rebuilding my life and the understanding that i have about the way i deal with things and the flashbacks is so important. I would really consider counselling, but definately keep lines of communication open with friends.
As for wanting a relationship- you are the same as me! For a while afterwards i was scared to be around men and start relationships but i now feel ready, and have done for a few months, however, i now realise that a relationship would work purely because i have dealt with my underlying issues about the rape. I think this would be important for you. You say you want to feel loved again, and thats completely normal but i think it might be because you are still feeling so alone and isolated by what happened to you. You have gone through something so horiffic and you need that protection and caring that you have associated with a close relationship and thats normal.
Please always remember as well that all of the feelings you feel are normal- you aren't going mad. The guy who raped you is the one who is to blame. Please dont blame yourself anymore, i know thats hard to understand but that is why counselling or talking to friends can be so important. I want to say that you are more than welcome to chat to me, but i don't want to broadcast that i have been raped for obvious reasons so am posting this as anonymous but just reply back if you do want to chat and i shall try and think of some way around this!
Finally, things do get better. This is the first time in as long as i can remember that i have actually felt happy in life again. Ive had relapses in the past, but you are a strong person and you will get through this.