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Anyone else not feel welcome home when coming back from uni? Watch

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    • Thread Starter
    #1

    Since coming back from uni, I've felt nothing but unwelcome at home - like I'm just a spare part and no longer really have a place in the family. I don't know if this is to do with my mums boyfriend moving in (we were really close) and me just being a jealous, selfish daughter, or if any other students come back home feeling the same way? thank you for any answers
    • #2
    #2

    I've felt a bit like that. I think it's just because it's like I've moved on and lived away for such a long time that the family dynamic has changed and I don't just fit back into to my place.

    I'm still really close to my mum but my dad ignores me most of the time and the only time he speaks to me is either to put me down or ask me for money for board. I think he resents me coming back. But I can't leave yet, I just don't have the money.
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    I've felt like that... my family has developed habits and little traditions in term-time and become a little family of four that I don't feel like I fit into when I'm back from uni. I spend a lot of time at my boyfriend's in the holidays though, to kind of counteract that. But yeah, I do feel like the guest a lot of the time... I'm so used to being independent now that being cooked for and so on is a bit unnerving; I'm grateful and I love my family, we've always had a great relationship, but I think things are awkward now.
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    I think I step on people's toes without realising when I'm home. Like, people's routine's have changed, my brother does his washing on a certain day, etc. but no one thinks to tell me these things. So, for example, I go to do my washing and then get a *******ing because my brother couldn't do his because I'd already started (and had 4 different loads to do). So in my opinion I was being treated like a lodger who had to fit themselves around everyone else, rather than feeling like I lived there and that me and my brother had 'equal rights' over the washing machine. Before I moved away, it was a case of who got there first, but sometimes my mum takes my brother's side a lot. Like with the tv and stuff, if I'm watching Friends or films and my brother wants to watch Countdown or something that he watches every day, I have to turn my stuff off so he can watch it, yet it's never the same way for me.

    So, yeah, I get how you feel.


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    • #1
    • Thread Starter
    #1

    Thank you for that, has comforted me a little that I'm not the only one feeling that way. It's just my mum asked me to come to look after my brother and sister in the holidays, and by the time they go to bed she would rather just go to bed with her boyfriend at 9 and leave me on my own - like a live in babysitter rather than a daughter. I don't have a good relationship with my father, and just feel that if she were to start not liking me I won't have any adult family left.
    • #1
    • Thread Starter
    #1

    also forgot to say, now the boyfriend has time off work until they return to school and can look after the kids, I'm being sent off back to uni - like I'm no use to them any more
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    Oh gosh . Have you tried getting your mum on her own and talking to her about it?


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    • #2
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    I would try speaking to your mum, if you can.

    I think my mum doesn't realize how bad I feel about 'being in the way' but I can't bring myself to start a conversation about it. My younger brother is also treating me like ****, he's not happy I'm back either.
    • #1
    • Thread Starter
    #1

    I don't know, I thought about it, but I don't want to bother her now she's happy with her new man. Seeing as I'm going back in a few days I don't even know if it's worth the effort. Sorry, this has just turned into just me complaining now haha
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    It's okay, everyone needs a good complain. What's your rent contract like, in terms of how long you can stay wherever you are? Maybe that's how you could approach her about it, when she next asks when you're coming home you could say that you're not sure because you don't want to get in the way and see what she says to that? If she knows you don't have to come home, she (in theory) should say that you're not in the way, etc. and then you could explain that you feel like you're no more than a live-in babysitter, and when you're not needed you're pushed away?

    I know it's a horrible conversation to have, but after countless arguments when things get too far, it really is better to talk things through before people start getting angry about something completely irrelevant and it gets brought up unintentionally in a shouting match :/. Unfortunately, that's how me and my parents spent a lot of time communicating when I was younger. They'd shout at me for something and in my anger I'd bring up something they always do that really upsets me and then they don't have time to process it and because they're already angry it ends in a disaster.

    Family's important xxx


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    • #1
    • Thread Starter
    #1

    Alright thank you, I'll think about it.. I'm on a 12 month contract so can come and go whenever really.

    Thank you to everyone else too, weird how hearing that others are uncomfortable is slightly comforting? I hope you all start to feel better too though
 
 
 
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