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My bf dumped me because he's depressed Watch

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    I don't know what to do, I feel like my heart has been ripped out and my family and friends are in shock. I hadn't seen my bf for a month because I had a research placement abroad. He promised me nothing would change and cried when I left. I made a hell of a lot more effort to contact him whilst I was away than he did for me. When I got back he was so excited to see me (we were going away for a couple of days), he even wanted to extend the trip. When we were together he told me he loved me and everything was fine, it was his birthday so i organised a suprise and he was so choked up and said it was the nicest thing anyone had ever done for him. We talked about what we were going to do the rest of summer and made plans including for our holiday at the end of the year (which he bought up not me). Then when we got back for two days he seemed cold so I asked if he needed a break, he said he didnt know what he wants anymore. Said that I went to africa and he was left behind and when I go to various countries in future (I plan to travel and work abroad but thats years away yet, I have to get my degree first!) that its better to end it now rather than years down the line. He also said he's dreading me going back to uni and partying, he said he hates the thought of guys around me and doesn't want to deal with it. After this he ignored me all day and night so I called him the next day when I knew he's be getting ready for work and asked if he was leaving me, he said he didn't know and then gave the break up speech of how its been amazing and im his first love and we can still be mates etc. He was crying the whole time he said this and was struggling to get his words out at the end. He said can he have a couple of weeks to decide whether he wants a relationship and I said no so he said we'd talk after work. On his lunch break he text me saying he can't be 100% committed to me, he hasn't got it in him to give me the time and affection I deserve and he still loves me and he's sorry. I told him to please speak to me and explain, not just dump me by text. He said he has no answers, that he is on the verge of a breakdown and is confused and can't cope and needs to be left alone. I told him I would give him space.

    He is stressed at work but also has family issues, he doesn't like the man his mum is with and now she's just got engaged to him and he is probably moving in. My (ex I guess) was gonna move out with help from his dad but his dad just lost his job so cant afford it now so he feels trapped there and his dad is pressuring him to meet his partners (the woman he cheated with) kids. So I understand its all got too much, he's also started excercising way too much, he does it til he feels faint every day.

    Now I'm just waiting and in so much pain. I don't know what to do. I don't want to be stupid and wait around when he actually doesnt love me anymore and it was just a get out, although I never ever would of thought he didn't love me and neither did our friends and families. I hate it that all this was by text, that he wont speak to me and im giving him space when Ive done nothing wrong. I can't understand at all why he would leave me, I would support him and give him time, he always says I'm the closest person to him and the only one he tells this stuff too and now he's left me. I don't know if the stuff about him leaving me cos I deserve better is true. What would you do/advise? I love him with all my heart, he's the first person I've been with in two years since my ex who was cheating on me. He knows how long it took me to trust and how much he meant to me, I have done so much for him and now in two days he's just decided he doesn't want me. Please someone try and make this clearer for me. I don't know whether to grieve, be angry, not give up hope and just think he's not thinking clearly etc
    • #1
    #1

    It's hard to do these things by forum, there are always things left out, and it's a snapshot of the whole situation, we can't see the whole context.

    He may well have commitment issues, given what he's seen from his parents I would be surprised if he didn't. He understandably won't want to have to deal with another Africa situation again, so if you are planning on upping and leaving even for just a couple of weeks at a time for travelling or work, then he'll probably feel can't deal with it. And that's perfectly understandable. He may well need to have a break.

    It sounds like when he was enjoying life with you after you got back he was a bit in denial that you'd go away again, and he slowly came to grips with that and then panicked.

    So the following could have happened:
    He needs a support to deal with family issues, you're in Africa. He's feeling unsupported.
    You come back, he tries to enjoy it all as much as he can. But he knows the future doesn't hold much hope if you're going to be buggering off to another country. And he also feels that things are too good to be true. Things didn't work out with his parents, why should they work out for him?
    He accepts that you might be going away again, and feels it is a challenge to where your priorities lie (which is fair enough, if he really doesn't want you to and you will anyway, then work/travelling are higher up then he is).

    It sounds also like there's been a lack of compromising, which is needed in any (romantic or otherwise) relationship. Some give and take. Perhaps if you went travelling but less often and for less time, then you would both win.
    Because at the moment it sounds like you both want it all.

    Although the prospect of having it all is probably quite scary for him.

    But like I said, there are clearly many many issues which we don't know the whole of, and ones you won't have mentioned. The advice anyone can give you must be taken with entire mines of salt.

    And I speak as someone who is going out with a child of divorce whom split up with me and was with someone else (though that was years ago, and we're rock solid now). So I might be primed and projecting some issues (though not intentionally if I am).
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    I went though exactly the same thing recently - except that my girlfriend was depressed, not me.
    You're also responding to this situation the same way as I did - by trying to explain things logically to myself, but still not understanding how this could've happened.

    Unfortunately though, such conditions are not logical. They're everything else than logical. Of course they can be related to his family problems, but with conditions such as depression, there's a deeper cause to it and unfortunately, it won't go away.

    So don't go down that route because you won't find a definite answer. Try to see it this way:

    Just for a moment, focus on yourself. Just yourself. You know myself. You know, for sure, what you did and didn't do during the relationship. So ask yourself - were you there for him when he needed you? Did you care about him? Did you make the best effort you could? Judging from your post, the answer to that is yes, so, counting in the depression, the ending of the relationship was pretty much out of your control. You've tried your best, but some things are out of your reach.

    I know this is really painful for you, and you probably don't want to hear this, but time is a great healer. Cut contact and focus on things that made you happy before you were in any kind of relationship. Focus on friends & family. Try not to grieve because no matter how much you grieve, it won't change the past. But you can get through this.

    Hope it helps, PM me if you want to talk further.
    • #1
    #1

    (Original post by dschiefer)
    I went though exactly the same thing recently - except that my girlfriend was depressed, not me.
    You're also responding to this situation the same way as I did - by trying to explain things logically to myself, but still not understanding how this could've happened.

    Unfortunately though, such conditions are not logical. They're everything else than logical. Of course they can be related to his family problems, but with conditions such as depression, there's a deeper cause to it and unfortunately, it won't go away.

    So don't go down that route because you won't find a definite answer. Try to see it this way:

    Just for a moment, focus on yourself. Just yourself. You know myself. You know, for sure, what you did and didn't do during the relationship. So ask yourself - were you there for him when he needed you? Did you care about him? Did you make the best effort you could? Judging from your post, the answer to that is yes, so, counting in the depression, the ending of the relationship was pretty much out of your control. You've tried your best, but some things are out of your reach.

    I know this is really painful for you, and you probably don't want to hear this, but time is a great healer. Cut contact and focus on things that made you happy before you were in any kind of relationship. Focus on friends & family. Try not to grieve because no matter how much you grieve, it won't change the past. But you can get through this.

    Hope it helps, PM me if you want to talk further.
    Everyone grieves at the end of a relationship they're sad to end. Without doing that people don't move on.
    And I've not come across actions that can't be explained by emotions in the long term. The emotions themselves might not logical,but you can usually see how they affect actions.
    Moreover, it's hard to know if he will or won't be interested in a relationship in the long term. It's hardly normal break up procedure.
    You are right that there's a business way to look at it.
    Does the seller want to sell it for those conditions and does the buyer want to buy it for those conditions.
    But we don't have enough information to know if the OP's reasons for ending the relationship are permanent or not. It might not work out, they may never get together. Or they might get together and then split up again forever. Or they might get together and stay together until they die.

    But we don't have nearly enough information to make that judgement. To do so is reckless.
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    Basically, I'm sorry to say, I think he just doesn't want to be with you anymore.

    He may be making other excuses to try to make it easier to break up.

    Just give him his space, accept that it's over and try to move on. Think yourself lucky that this one was weeded out, so you can find someone better suited to you.
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    You need to give him the space that he's asked for. I appreciate that you're hurt and upset but contacting him again will only drive him further away. Spend time on yourself (go shopping, hang out with your friends and family, get into a new tv boxset or book series, exercise etc) and leave him to work through whatever he has to work through. If he wants to be with you and is right for you then he'll realise that he's made a mistake and contact you.
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    OP,

    If he's depressed like you say there's nothing you can do. Depression is a really difficult and emotionally draining condition that makes people behave in ways they normally wouldn't. The same thing happened with me except I ended the relationship. I was depressed for a long time. Entering a relationship was the most selfish thing I could have done because I knew the relationship would fail. When two people are rarely on the same page mood-wise, it's difficult to connect. You're busy having the time of your life; it seems like he's drowning in it.

    He could still love you but not want to be with you because he feels he's holding you back from enjoying university and travelling. Maybe he feels like a burden to you. Even if he does still love you there's nothing you can do. Depression is complex disorder that evades outer involvement.

    You need to move forward with your life.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Everyone grieves at the end of a relationship they're sad to end. Without doing that people don't move on.
    And I've not come across actions that can't be explained by emotions in the long term. The emotions themselves might not logical,but you can usually see how they affect actions.
    Moreover, it's hard to know if he will or won't be interested in a relationship in the long term. It's hardly normal break up procedure.
    You are right that there's a business way to look at it.
    Does the seller want to sell it for those conditions and does the buyer want to buy it for those conditions.
    But we don't have enough information to know if the OP's reasons for ending the relationship are permanent or not. It might not work out, they may never get together. Or they might get together and then split up again forever. Or they might get together and stay together until they die.

    But we don't have nearly enough information to make that judgement. To do so is reckless.
    Yes, we don't have enough information, but depression is a complicated topic and I was relating it to my personal experience. It makes people behave in ways they normally wouldn't - there's no logical explanation as to why it happened, in my case, not even the person suffering from depression could explain their behavior and it was pretty arbitrary & identical to the original's posters experience. So it was a point worth making.
    • #1
    #1

    (Original post by dschiefer)
    Yes, we don't have enough information, but depression is a complicated topic and I was relating it to my personal experience. It makes people behave in ways they normally wouldn't - there's no logical explanation as to why it happened, in my case, not even the person suffering from depression could explain their behavior and it was pretty arbitrary & identical to the original's posters experience. So it was a point worth making.
    At the same time though (as we won't agree on the issue of logic) you and almost every other respondent without knowing the op's ex have decided that the OP simply must move on. That may or may not be the case, but we have no way of knowing. Not every person, or depressed person, is the same.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    At the same time though (as we won't agree on the issue of logic) you and almost every other respondent without knowing the op's ex have decided that the OP simply must move on. That may or may not be the case, but we have no way of knowing. Not every person, or depressed person, is the same.
    The OP is looking for advice. I'm sure she'll take everyone's views and her own into account and will then make a decision herself.
    • #2
    #2

    Thank you for all your replies, it really means a lot to me. It helps being able to share it on here and I'll keep you updated. I thought a lot about what some of you said about how if he is depressed then it's out of my hands, something I don't understand though is that if someone is depressed then surely they need support around them as much as possible rather to push people away? I really don't understand why he wouldn't be clinging to me and leaning on me and needing me to listen rather than trying to cut me out of his life?
    He messaged me just now, it said "We can talk later on today. In my head I'm trying to regroup at the moment and see where I am. It's so awful feeling like this, like so out of control xx'

    I'm not really sure what I'm going to say when we talk. Does this sound hopeful or am I clutching at straws here? A big part of me is angry and wants to express this to him, like he must of known what pain he was going to cause me and my family. But on the other hand if I get angry then it could tip him over the edge and push him away (the family thing were he meets the children of the woman his dad had an affair with is tomorrow). I love him and want to be there for him but feel so betrayed, I don't understand why he couldn't take time out to think whilst still being with me. With regards to the travelling it's a difficult one because I have worked so hard to get to where I am, in terms of my future career I think I've built up a reputation and enough contacts abroad that I will be able to pursue my dream. I include him in this dream though and I would compromise and I wouldn't move unless he wanted to as well, I thought he'd be happy for me. I'm just scared that if we get back together and it takes months for him to get better and I support him it will put a lot strain on me (I'm willing to do that) but what if he then dumps me again. I don't feel like he's stable enough for me to trust him but I don't want to lose him. This may be naive of me but I thought depression was something that kept spiralling whereas he seemed great when I last saw him and then all of a sudden he's snapped. I also don't want to become someone he leans on for ages with the faint hope on my part that we'll work stuff out, I can't handle that I need to know where I stand but don't want to push him.

    I'm kind of just expressing my worries here but any replies are most welcome.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Thank you for all your replies, it really means a lot to me. It helps being able to share it on here and I'll keep you updated. I thought a lot about what some of you said about how if he is depressed then it's out of my hands, something I don't understand though is that if someone is depressed then surely they need support around them as much as possible rather to push people away? I really don't understand why he wouldn't be clinging to me and leaning on me and needing me to listen rather than trying to cut me out of his life?
    Well, you're thinking rationally. If he's genuinely depressed it'd make sense that he'd push you away even if he needed you.I hope something is resolved if this is the case.
    If you get back together, you can't support him to the extent that you've detailed. He needs to seek help. Your career and emotional well-being is just as important.
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    Doesn't sound like he doesn't love you, does he have mental health difficulties or do you just get the sense that he feels down/overwhelmed by stuff?

    Personally I would try to be understanding in this situation, give a partner some space and time, but be prepared to move on if there is no change of heart..
    • #2
    #2

    So we talked and he asked how I was, I told him I was devastated and he said sorry over and over. I said to him that I needed to know whether he wanted space because of family stuff or whether it was because he didn't know if he still felt the same about me. He said that the way he feels about me hasn't changed. He said that hearing my voice makes him wonder why he did it. He wasn't very passionate in anything he said, he definetly wasn't begging for me to come back, everything was in a monotone voice and I don't know whether this is because he isn't all that sure/bothered or because of feeling down in general. He said we can just go back to how we were now and I said I can't just do that, that it will take me a while to trust again. He didn't understand, said "I didn't do anything to betray your trust and I still feel the same and so do you so I don't know why we can't just carry on now". I explained and then he became a bit more passionate and said how he really doesn't want to of affected how I feel about him in any way and that everything he did for me (I was ill for a while and couldn't walk and he took care of me night and day for a week) was real and he'd do it all again so I can't just think he doesn't care now. It's a tough one for me because on one hand I feel he can't love me anymore to be so cold now but on the other hand I never would of doubted his love before this happened. One comment he made in conversation is that he doesn't know what love is...what does that mean?!? he certainly new what it was when he first ever said it and when I first ever said it back and he got all chocked up.

    I agreed that we can try and that I don't want to loose him either. I also talked through his problems with him and he asked if I would support him all the time but I didn't promise that (I would of it I wasn't still hurt myself). He still wants time and won't see me for another week which I don't understand as surely he wants to put things right? He is meeting up with a close friend today so he can socialise just not with me. (I haven't expressed this to him because I'm trying to be understanding but I don't really know what are the right things to do). My friends say I'm making a mistake because he will do this again when he gets sad, he promised me he never would (I believe his intentions are true but if he gets depressed then those may get clouded again). He said he lashed out at me because being with me was the only thing he had a choice over and that after he text me dumping me he broke down at his desk and got sent home by his boss. I'm so glad he wants to work it out but right now he doesn't seem like he wants to try at all, I don't really know enough to understand what is due to the depression and what is a reflection of his feelings to me

    In answer to the post above he has never had mental health problems before but I do believe he is depressed now and not just overwhelmed (it is me calling it depression not my ex/bf). And I appreciate your advice on waiting but being prepared it might not work, I definetly haven't got my hopes too high just yet.
 
 
 
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