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Feel guilt and ashamed of not being honest with gf about sexuality advice? Watch

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    Hello, I'll keep this simple...(some details omitted for convenience...any questions you have please post in reply).

    Me and my GF have been toghether for about a year, were close and I love her so much. We have had lots of arguments, and we are polar opposites, despite this I love her and her me. There is just one issue that is getting me down recently. That is that I have had same sex experiences (with males) when I was young. At the time I had gone through a lot with the death of my father at age 14. Think I craved an emotional connection, thus I ended up kissing a guy and later embarking on a very intimate journey.

    This included oral sex, and attempted anal...now at the time we were both 14 so I wasnt worried although I felt ashamed for years. I later at age 19 had another intimate moment with a guy...and this happened on and off. Despite these events, I have never been able to deal with it all, I've never thought of myself as gay. Because I still am attracted to woman.

    The reason I haven't told her Is because I feel ashamed and I have repressed kept to myself for years...I think she will split up with me if I told her because shes very traditional perhaps homophobic. I feel awful not telling her, being close it her knowing I've had sexual relations with blokes. The other thing that bothers me is that I've never been tested for STIs but yet again I don't think I have any. I am doing a self test (postal) for HIV and Chlamydia. I just want a clean bill in terms of sexual health, I want other tests but am scared to go to doctors and tell him. I feel fully responsible and guilty, me and gf are not having sex but we have sexual contact (no oral). What should I do?
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    Okay, well your past is your business. She may not even want to know about it. If she asks, then obviously don't lie. But if you don't feel right bringing it up and telling her, then that's your choice.

    From a girls point of view: if my boyfriend told me he had had homosexual experiences, I would be shocked and maybe even feel a bit uncomfortable, but I love him and so would support him.

    However, I do think it is very important for you to get fully tested.

    I hope things work out okay for you
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    There is absolutely no shame in what you have done in the past. Remember that many STIs don't show any symptoms at all, but can still be passed on, so getting tested is really important. You really don't have to worry about telling a doctor! If you go to a sexual health clinic, the doctor/nurse will have tested/treated people with all sorts of sexual histories, many that are much more promiscuous and experimental than yours. They will not bat an eyelid when you tell them that you have experimented with men. I can assure you that it isn't scary at all, and it is so worthwhile to know that you are caring for your health and the health of your girlfriend.

    As for telling your girlfriend, I know it may be frightening, but remember that your experiences are what makes you you. If she can't accept you for who you are, then perhaps she isn't right for you. And if she is the right one for you, you will feel so much better once you have told her!

    Good luck.
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    (Original post by saraw26)
    Okay, well your past is your business. She may not even want to know about it. If she asks, then obviously don't lie. But if you don't feel right bringing it up and telling her, then that's your choice.
    I agree with this.

    (Original post by Anonymous)
    The other thing that bothers me is that I've never been tested for STIs but yet again I don't think I have any. I am doing a self test (postal) for HIV and Chlamydia. I just want a clean bill in terms of sexual health, I want other tests but am scared to go to doctors and tell him.
    Why not visit a GUM clinic for a check up? It's confidential, you don't have to give your name and other details and you'll get all your results back in about a week.

    It'll get at least one worry off your chest. Good luck.
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    (Original post by saraw26)
    Okay, well your past is your business. She may not even want to know about it. If she asks, then obviously don't lie. But if you don't feel right bringing it up and telling her, then that's your choice.

    From a girls point of view: if my boyfriend told me he had had homosexual experiences, I would be shocked and maybe even feel a bit uncomfortable, but I love him and so would support him.

    However, I do think it is very important for you to get fully tested.

    I hope things work out okay for you
    Thank you so much for your response. I feel quite a relief reading your post and it fills me with confidence to know there are people that understand without judging me as selfish and nasty for not disclosing it. Do you think it would be important for me to tell her if (in the event) were to marry? I just feel guilt ridden and it's eating away at me, given the fact I know that she might potentially break up with me. I'm not sure she could handle it. I love her and I am not about to get up and go. I just want to be honest but not necessarily ruin my RS.
    I would be heartbroken and angry should she reject me based on the outcome of coming clean. I do feel I want to get tested, I just feel responsible yet I feel embarrassed about chatting about sexuality. It shames me and I have deep issues with it. I want to go and get tested but need to overcome anxieties. Do you think I should have counselling?
    Thanks again
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Thank you so much for your response. I feel quite a relief reading your post and it fills me with confidence to know there are people that understand without judging me as selfish and nasty for not disclosing it. Do you think it would be important for me to tell her if (in the event) were to marry? I just feel guilt ridden and it's eating away at me, given the fact I know that she might potentially break up with me. I'm not sure she could handle it. I love her and I am not about to get up and go. I just want to be honest but not necessarily ruin my RS.
    I would be heartbroken and angry should she reject me based on the outcome of coming clean. I do feel I want to get tested, I just feel responsible yet I feel embarrassed about chatting about sexuality. It shames me and I have deep issues with it. I want to go and get tested but need to overcome anxieties. Do you think I should have counselling?
    Thanks again
    No problem, anything to help
    It's a very difficult thing to call. At the end of the day, if she can't accept you for it, maybe you're not meant to be. It might be better to be open now, than it coming out later on and being worse.

    I think counselling is definitely a good option. Most people will understand and appreciate your honesty, whatever their sexual orientation. Don't feel embarrassed, it's something which is very common and normal and there is nothing at all wrong with it!
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    .
    You should tell her as other poster said. If she loves you she will still be with you. If she doesn't then perhaps its better to do it now than later as then both of you will be devastated.
 
 
 
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