Arranged marriage to Sec Cousin
A little about me:
18 yrs old, female, indian.
My parents are considering a marriage proposal for me and the groom in question is my second cousin. He seems nice although I barely know him, and so is his family (mum- who I've spoken to a few times). BUT I don't feel comfortable with marrying into my own family. It just feels weird and completely backward.
I have been trying to fight off this proposal, and my parents are understanding and quite liberal, but this proposal seems to taken quite an impression on them, and they're pressuring me (A LOT). The pressure is also because this is my second proposal - The first one came when I was in year 10 (YES precisely the reason why I turned it down).
I'm about to start uni and although I don't know where I'm going career wise, I am totally not ready for marriage or any commitment as such, in fact I'm so disappointed about not reaching my offer for my firm uni, that this is just doing my head in.
My first cousin (mum's elder sister's daughter) got married into her family too (to her second cousin too), and my parents are using this as an example.
I would appreciate all helpful advice.
18 yrs old, female, indian.
My parents are considering a marriage proposal for me and the groom in question is my second cousin. He seems nice although I barely know him, and so is his family (mum- who I've spoken to a few times). BUT I don't feel comfortable with marrying into my own family. It just feels weird and completely backward.
I have been trying to fight off this proposal, and my parents are understanding and quite liberal, but this proposal seems to taken quite an impression on them, and they're pressuring me (A LOT). The pressure is also because this is my second proposal - The first one came when I was in year 10 (YES precisely the reason why I turned it down).
I'm about to start uni and although I don't know where I'm going career wise, I am totally not ready for marriage or any commitment as such, in fact I'm so disappointed about not reaching my offer for my firm uni, that this is just doing my head in.
My first cousin (mum's elder sister's daughter) got married into her family too (to her second cousin too), and my parents are using this as an example.
I would appreciate all helpful advice.
Scroll to see replies
I thought that marrying cousins, first or second, is not legally allowed? Or am I mistaken?
It sounds as though you're parents are quite understanding, in which case the best thing would be to talk to them. Nobody can force you to do anything you don't want to. So, don't worry too much. After all, everyone concerned is an adult and I'm sure an open conversation should sort things out. Best of luck
It sounds as though you're parents are quite understanding, in which case the best thing would be to talk to them. Nobody can force you to do anything you don't want to. So, don't worry too much. After all, everyone concerned is an adult and I'm sure an open conversation should sort things out. Best of luck
This is the rest of your life we're talking about here. Speak up. If they feel sad then that's not as bad as the potential of you feeling sad for many years.
You're still young, there'll be so many more proposals. Just focus on your education for now.
You're still young, there'll be so many more proposals. Just focus on your education for now.
Original post by superduper9
I thought that marrying cousins, first or second, is not legally allowed? Or am I mistaken?
You are mistaken, both first and second cousin marriage is permitted by law in the UK.
Original post by Anonymous
A little about me:
18 yrs old, female, indian.
My parents are considering a marriage proposal for me and the groom in question is my second cousin. He seems nice although I barely know him, and so is his family (mum- who I've spoken to a few times). BUT I don't feel comfortable with marrying into my own family. It just feels weird and completely backward.
I have been trying to fight off this proposal, and my parents are understanding and quite liberal, but this proposal seems to taken quite an impression on them, and they're pressuring me (A LOT). The pressure is also because this is my second proposal - The first one came when I was in year 10 (YES precisely the reason why I turned it down).
I'm about to start uni and although I don't know where I'm going career wise, I am totally not ready for marriage or any commitment as such, in fact I'm so disappointed about not reaching my offer for my firm uni, that this is just doing my head in.
My first cousin (mum's elder sister's daughter) got married into her family too (to her second cousin too), and my parents are using this as an example.
I would appreciate all helpful advice.
18 yrs old, female, indian.
My parents are considering a marriage proposal for me and the groom in question is my second cousin. He seems nice although I barely know him, and so is his family (mum- who I've spoken to a few times). BUT I don't feel comfortable with marrying into my own family. It just feels weird and completely backward.
I have been trying to fight off this proposal, and my parents are understanding and quite liberal, but this proposal seems to taken quite an impression on them, and they're pressuring me (A LOT). The pressure is also because this is my second proposal - The first one came when I was in year 10 (YES precisely the reason why I turned it down).
I'm about to start uni and although I don't know where I'm going career wise, I am totally not ready for marriage or any commitment as such, in fact I'm so disappointed about not reaching my offer for my firm uni, that this is just doing my head in.
My first cousin (mum's elder sister's daughter) got married into her family too (to her second cousin too), and my parents are using this as an example.
I would appreciate all helpful advice.
I'm sorry that your in this position but at the end of the day they can't force you to get married its your decision and no one else's. Firstly try and reason with them maybe tell them that your too young yet and want to concentrate on university and graduate first before you can think about settling down. If they agree hopefully this will by you time until your financially independent of your parents and have more control of your life. I think that what you have to consider here is that it's your life, you agreeing to this proposal may 'please' them or whatever but your the one that's gonna have to live with this decision day in day out so stick to your guns on this one. Hope things work out for you
(edited 10 years ago)
Original post by nonswimmer
You are mistaken, both first and second cousin marriage is permitted by law in the UK.
Wow! I didn't know that!
Honestly talk to them and tell them you don't want to get married yet and explain you want to go to uni and focus on your career.
If your parents are as liberal as you say then they'll understand. It doesn't matter if its the 1st, 2nd, or 790th proposal. If you're not happy with it, don't go with it.
I'm an Asian Pakistani and I understand your predicament. I've had countless proposals for different reasons including a free meal ticket to the UK, the illusion that my parents are wealthy (they're really not - *rolls eyes*) and genuine proposals from everyone such as first cousins to strangers to family friends. But I've refused to be pressured into saying yes to anyone I don't want to and I've made it clear that my career and education come first. My point is that you need to communicate with your family and let them know where you stand.
Maybe if you can give them a rough time frame, they'll back off - e.g when I've finished university, 2 years after uni so I can start my career etc so you're on the same wavelength.
This is the rest of your life so please don't ruin it by doing something you don't want to. If its worth having (I.e your career, education or independence) then surely it's worth fighting for!
Good luck x
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If your parents are as liberal as you say then they'll understand. It doesn't matter if its the 1st, 2nd, or 790th proposal. If you're not happy with it, don't go with it.
I'm an Asian Pakistani and I understand your predicament. I've had countless proposals for different reasons including a free meal ticket to the UK, the illusion that my parents are wealthy (they're really not - *rolls eyes*) and genuine proposals from everyone such as first cousins to strangers to family friends. But I've refused to be pressured into saying yes to anyone I don't want to and I've made it clear that my career and education come first. My point is that you need to communicate with your family and let them know where you stand.
Maybe if you can give them a rough time frame, they'll back off - e.g when I've finished university, 2 years after uni so I can start my career etc so you're on the same wavelength.
This is the rest of your life so please don't ruin it by doing something you don't want to. If its worth having (I.e your career, education or independence) then surely it's worth fighting for!
Good luck x
Posted from TSR Mobile
Original post by CC2010
If your parents are as liberal as you say then they'll understand. It doesn't matter if its the 1st, 2nd, or 790th proposal. If you're not happy with it, don't go with it.
I'm an Asian Pakistani and I understand your predicament. I've had countless proposals for different reasons including a free meal ticket to the UK, the illusion that my parents are wealthy (they're really not - *rolls eyes*) and genuine proposals from everyone such as first cousins to strangers to family friends. But I've refused to be pressured into saying yes to anyone I don't want to and I've made it clear that my career and education come first. My point is that you need to communicate with your family and let them know where you stand.
Maybe if you can give them a rough time frame, they'll back off - e.g when I've finished university, 2 years after uni so I can start my career etc so you're on the same wavelength.
This is the rest of your life so please don't ruin it by doing something you don't want to. If its worth having (I.e your career, education or independence) then surely it's worth fighting for!
Good luck x
This advice is really good. Maybe your parents think they are doing the "right thing for you" but if you don't communicate how will they ever know how you feel and what your plans are. Hope it all works out and let us know how you get on.
take care and good luck
Echoing other posters, don't just vibe in because it's a massive commitment.
You say your parents are pretty liberal, perhaps if you explain your reasons to them (especially the ones about not being ready for marriage) they may be more understanding?
You say your parents are pretty liberal, perhaps if you explain your reasons to them (especially the ones about not being ready for marriage) they may be more understanding?
I would definitely fight this. You're very young too with little life experience and not ready to make a decision about something like this imo.
Original post by Anonymous
A little about me:
18 yrs old, female, indian.
My parents are considering a marriage proposal for me and the groom in question is my second cousin. He seems nice although I barely know him, and so is his family (mum- who I've spoken to a few times). BUT I don't feel comfortable with marrying into my own family. It just feels weird and completely backward.
I have been trying to fight off this proposal, and my parents are understanding and quite liberal, but this proposal seems to taken quite an impression on them, and they're pressuring me (A LOT). The pressure is also because this is my second proposal - The first one came when I was in year 10 (YES precisely the reason why I turned it down).
I'm about to start uni and although I don't know where I'm going career wise, I am totally not ready for marriage or any commitment as such, in fact I'm so disappointed about not reaching my offer for my firm uni, that this is just doing my head in.
My first cousin (mum's elder sister's daughter) got married into her family too (to her second cousin too), and my parents are using this as an example.
I would appreciate all helpful advice.
18 yrs old, female, indian.
My parents are considering a marriage proposal for me and the groom in question is my second cousin. He seems nice although I barely know him, and so is his family (mum- who I've spoken to a few times). BUT I don't feel comfortable with marrying into my own family. It just feels weird and completely backward.
I have been trying to fight off this proposal, and my parents are understanding and quite liberal, but this proposal seems to taken quite an impression on them, and they're pressuring me (A LOT). The pressure is also because this is my second proposal - The first one came when I was in year 10 (YES precisely the reason why I turned it down).
I'm about to start uni and although I don't know where I'm going career wise, I am totally not ready for marriage or any commitment as such, in fact I'm so disappointed about not reaching my offer for my firm uni, that this is just doing my head in.
My first cousin (mum's elder sister's daughter) got married into her family too (to her second cousin too), and my parents are using this as an example.
I would appreciate all helpful advice.
This kind of stuff really irritates me..
Indian parents just feel the need to sell their daughters off before their daughter hits the expiry date...
Happened to my sister, Happened to my female cousins, happened to my aunties, happened to pretty much most of the young females in my family.
Some happy, some divorced and live a single life.. Some stay in an abusive marriage....its their way of life..
but aye, you got a future - don't let your parents take your future away even if it means screaming at them and calling them names and putting a knife to their neck? Make them see how important your future is and don't let your parents walk all over you - that crap about parents know whats best for their children is pure *******s...
You know whats best for you, ONLY YOU know YOU
if you don't want to do something, don't do it. Marriage itself is a major commitment and marriages like this will only be gone through with if an individual or individuals feel pressured to do so. In my opinion just focus on your grades and try to get a decent career. You have your whole life ahead of you so just tell your parents that this is not the right thing and you will not marry him. I know how you're feeling as I too come from an Asian background and marriages like this are the norm. But you have to put ur foot down and make sure it stays that way because you know deep down this isn't the right thing for you. If ur parents begin to force you in marriage (I hope this isn't the case) just contact Karma Nirvana or the police as forced marriage is illegal in the UK (Presuming u do live in the uk). good luck and I hope things turn out fine.
[QUOTE="Karen;44110336" Kutie="Kutie"]
Who ever gave me the thumbs down, let me know why? I am actually supportive to them and don't understand what I am suppose to have said wrong.
Original post by CC2010
Honestly talk to them and tell them you don't want to get married yet and explain you want to go to uni and focus on your career.
If your parents are as liberal as you say then they'll understand. It doesn't matter if its the 1st, 2nd, or 790th proposal. If you're not happy with it, don't go with it.
I'm an Asian Pakistani and I understand your predicament. I've had countless proposals for different reasons including a free meal ticket to the UK, the illusion that my parents are wealthy (they're really not - *rolls eyes*) and genuine proposals from everyone such as first cousins to strangers to family friends. But I've refused to be pressured into saying yes to anyone I don't want to and I've made it clear that my career and education come first. My point is that you need to communicate with your family and let them know where you stand.
Maybe if you can give them a rough time frame, they'll back off - e.g when I've finished university, 2 years after uni so I can start my career etc so you're on the same wavelength.
This is the rest of your life so please don't ruin it by doing something you don't want to. If its worth having (I.e your career, education or independence) then surely it's worth fighting for!
Good luck x
This advice is really good. Maybe your parents think they are doing the "right thing for you" but if you don't communicate how will they ever know how you feel and what your plans are. Hope it all works out and let us know how you get on.
take care and good luck
If your parents are as liberal as you say then they'll understand. It doesn't matter if its the 1st, 2nd, or 790th proposal. If you're not happy with it, don't go with it.
I'm an Asian Pakistani and I understand your predicament. I've had countless proposals for different reasons including a free meal ticket to the UK, the illusion that my parents are wealthy (they're really not - *rolls eyes*) and genuine proposals from everyone such as first cousins to strangers to family friends. But I've refused to be pressured into saying yes to anyone I don't want to and I've made it clear that my career and education come first. My point is that you need to communicate with your family and let them know where you stand.
Maybe if you can give them a rough time frame, they'll back off - e.g when I've finished university, 2 years after uni so I can start my career etc so you're on the same wavelength.
This is the rest of your life so please don't ruin it by doing something you don't want to. If its worth having (I.e your career, education or independence) then surely it's worth fighting for!
Good luck x
This advice is really good. Maybe your parents think they are doing the "right thing for you" but if you don't communicate how will they ever know how you feel and what your plans are. Hope it all works out and let us know how you get on.
take care and good luck
Who ever gave me the thumbs down, let me know why? I am actually supportive to them and don't understand what I am suppose to have said wrong.
Don't do it. Just dont. You need to withstand the pressure. This is the rest of your life were talking about, and you barely even know the guy. Once you finish Uni you'll have a much better idea of what you want in life.
Oh and I highly doubt your parents are "liberal" if they are trying to arrange the marriage of their 18 year old daughter to her cousin.
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Oh and I highly doubt your parents are "liberal" if they are trying to arrange the marriage of their 18 year old daughter to her cousin.
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You say your parents are liberal but then pressurising you A LOT to go ahead with this proposal. Bit confusing.
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Posted from TSR Mobile
It's your life, if your parents can't accept that it's their problem not yours. Ignorance is not an excuse for stupidity and social doctrines.
Original post by Anonymous
A little about me:
18 yrs old, female, indian.
My parents are considering a marriage proposal for me and the groom in question is my second cousin. He seems nice although I barely know him, and so is his family (mum- who I've spoken to a few times). BUT I don't feel comfortable with marrying into my own family. It just feels weird and completely backward.
I have been trying to fight off this proposal, and my parents are understanding and quite liberal, but this proposal seems to taken quite an impression on them, and they're pressuring me (A LOT). The pressure is also because this is my second proposal - The first one came when I was in year 10 (YES precisely the reason why I turned it down).
I'm about to start uni and although I don't know where I'm going career wise, I am totally not ready for marriage or any commitment as such, in fact I'm so disappointed about not reaching my offer for my firm uni, that this is just doing my head in.
My first cousin (mum's elder sister's daughter) got married into her family too (to her second cousin too), and my parents are using this as an example.
I would appreciate all helpful advice.
18 yrs old, female, indian.
My parents are considering a marriage proposal for me and the groom in question is my second cousin. He seems nice although I barely know him, and so is his family (mum- who I've spoken to a few times). BUT I don't feel comfortable with marrying into my own family. It just feels weird and completely backward.
I have been trying to fight off this proposal, and my parents are understanding and quite liberal, but this proposal seems to taken quite an impression on them, and they're pressuring me (A LOT). The pressure is also because this is my second proposal - The first one came when I was in year 10 (YES precisely the reason why I turned it down).
I'm about to start uni and although I don't know where I'm going career wise, I am totally not ready for marriage or any commitment as such, in fact I'm so disappointed about not reaching my offer for my firm uni, that this is just doing my head in.
My first cousin (mum's elder sister's daughter) got married into her family too (to her second cousin too), and my parents are using this as an example.
I would appreciate all helpful advice.
Marrying someone you don't know is never a good idea. I know it's a cultural thing but there would be nothing wrong in getting to know him. I know it can be a stressful time when your uni rejects you. You feel like there's no solution. But don't be worried about taking a deep breath and analysing your choices.
You said it yourself. You're not ready to settle down. Take your time studying, doing what you like, enjoying yourself. If you like him and you just need time tell him to wait, if he's worth it and cares about you he will. If you're not comfortable with your second cousin then reject it.
Because once it's all said and done there's no going back, and I know in India divorce is really frowned upon right?
Don't let this anxious time push you into a loveless marriage. 'Love comes after' is rarely true. Friendship, maybe, love, possibly, but do you want to risk it?
Also do you know their family well? Remember you marry the family as well.
Don't take your aunt's example as something that applies to you. You're your own person. If you're uncertain just politely decline and pursue your studies. You're young. There's no way the men in the world will vanish after a couple of years.
Don't go for uncertainty, go for happiness, go for love, go for respect.
(also tip, if pressure goes too far remember this tip. If you put a metal spoon on your trousers when you go through airport security, they'll take you to a private room where you can say you're being taken to be married. Though it seems this wont be the case for you as your parents are more liberal as you say.)
Also, if you're suggested to go there and get to know him better don't accept. You don't know if you'll be forced when you get there. Better be safe than sorry. If you do wish to consider it then ask if he can come to you, talk about both your interests, what you both expect from a marriage. Don't be afraid to speak your mind. This is a life commitment. If he seems rational, respectful then you can put more thought into it. But do get to know each other properly. It's key.
You don't want to be a wife that's simply passed over and ignored.
Good luck
It might not be all bad, I personally am a Muslim myself but I would never get an arranged marriage its something me and my parents both agreed on, specially not with a cousin its disgusting. I think you should talk to your parents and tell them how you feel about the whole thing, Good Luck!
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Original post by Kutie Karen
This advice is really good. Maybe your parents think they are doing the "right thing for you" but if you don't communicate how will they ever know how you feel and what your plans are. Hope it all works out and let us know how you get on.
take care and good luck
This advice is really good. Maybe your parents think they are doing the "right thing for you" but if you don't communicate how will they ever know how you feel and what your plans are. Hope it all works out and let us know how you get on.
take care and good luck
Aww, thank you
xI agree, and do let us know how you get on!
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