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Constantly fighting with my boyfriend over girls from work

I know that im majorly insecure, this stems from being cheated on by my ex constantly and if im honest now until I know a woman I do view her as a threat. Im not rude or off or anything I give everybody a chance but if they do something i.e flirt with my boyfriend in front of me then I cant help but dislike them. I know im in the wrong but I have this horrible feelings about the two girls he works with. I just feel like I don't match up to them or that there better than me.

One girl flirted with my boyfriend constantly at work, it was clear she fancied him as my boyfriend told me how she use to laugh at everything he said stroke him, she asks him what he's doing that weekend and if its with his friends to the pub or a club she turns up and spends the whole night with him. What really upset me was when they went on a work night out this girl got very very very drunk but refused to go home with any of the girls who were looking after her claiming that my boyfriend would look after her. As a result she went clubbing with them and then claimed she couldn't get home, my boyfriend ended up letting her stay at his. I know this isisnt a problem as what else could he do but this girl is 24 she could have easily gone home with the others. She also spent the whole day at his house claiming she was waiting for a lift home and only left when I turned up that night. She seemed to also find hilarious that I came to see my boyfriend and she was still there making snide remarks.

THe second girl is 19 and the secretary. She is always texting my boyfriend asking him to go for drinks etc etc, she also makes a big deal out of nothing for instance she called my boyfriend crying because a guy had called her 'babe' as if she expected him to go look after him or whatever. She said on the next work night out my boyfriend will have to be pretend to be her boyfriend so all the guys don't come onto her.

My boyfriend has this work night out and im feeling really bothered by it, I trust him but I don't like how these woman are behaving at all. Whenever we talk about it we just end up constantly arguing what can I do I know im being irrational and jealous but what can I do ?
Reply 1
To be honest, he's probably as annoyed with them as you are. It doesn't sound like he's done anything to encourage them so unless he's given you any reason not to trust him, you should. I know it's hard because you've been cheated on in the past but he's not your ex.

Also the first girl sounds like an absolute bitch.
Sounds like some of the stuff these girls do are out of bounds really. I mean there's one thing as having a good friend you can always count on and another thing entirely that they just randomly fall all over your bf! Mention it to your bf and he should be understanding of your sentiments because, like, he's your bf!

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(edited 10 years ago)
Errrr...

They seem way out of line, you have a right to not like them. But you should perhaps bite your tongue in a situation like this (although I'd go absolutely quite.. mental, if I found out my boyfriend let a girl, who potentially fancies him and always tries things with him, stay over at his, when she is old enough to look after herself.) So long as he isn't doing anything to promote it and he isn't cheating on you, then you just have to learn to deal with it, I'm afraid. Things like this always happen. Tell him that they worry you and you're 'jealous' in an honest way, and see what he says. He is your boyfriend, after-all. You should share your concerns with him.

Original post by Anonymous
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Reply 4
Damn! what kind of job does your boyfriend have? lol
Original post by Anonymous
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So, obviously, these girls are WAY out of line. If this was my boyfriend, I'd be absolutely fuming by now. With them being work colleagues, you can't ask him to stop seeing or talking to them, but you can certainly set boundaries. Talk to him and tell him what you are and aren't comfortable with. Although, honestly, if your boyfriend is allowing this sort of stuff to continue (particularly the girl staying over - MAJOR red flag) then it sounds like he might not have your best interests at heart at all.
Reply 6
I would be fuming! Although I do think you're being a bit too lenient with your boyfriend. A girl staying over would not be an option in my books! He should have put her in a taxi home, as you say she's 24 and not his responsibility. I'd tell my boyfriend to delete their numbers and not to text them - not because I'm a control freak, but they obviously don't care he has a girlfriend and are still very persistant. He should be able to work with them and not have to have contact with them out of work. And if he doesn't agree with you on that then he may not be so innocent himself.
Reply 7
Tell these bitches to back up
I honestly don't understand how jealously ever becomes this big an issue.

You either trust your boyfriend, or you don't. If you do, then bleeding trust him and forget about it. If you don't, end the relationship.

It's simple logic. Stuff like telling your boyfriend what to do/who to talk to, and especially arguing with him, serves no purpose. How could it? If he's a cheater, then he's a cheater and no amount of prohibiting his freedom is going to stop him being a cheater. Even if you make it physically impossible for him to cheat, he'd still want to, and how is that any better? I'd rather a guy like that went out and did it so I knew to dump his ass, rather than wonder what he'd do and let him out my sights.

And if he's loyal, then all your criticism does is display lack of trust and drive a wedge between you. I'd be pissed as hell if my partner dictated my life based on the mantra "I do trust you, but..." and I fully expect him to feel the same if I ever did the same. Who really wants to manage their partner's life anyway? Let him go out and do his thing and if you don't trust him to do that, then you don't have a healthy relationship.

If these women have done anything to you (I'd say flirting with your boyfriend in front of you counts) then by all means, get angry, but that should be taken out on them, not him. The way they act towards your boyfriend is your boyfriend's business. If you trust him, let him handle it. The only reason you should care is to support him through it. There's absolutely nothing he's done wrong, so he doesn't merit any criticism for it. As long as he isn't cheating on you then the people in his life are his business and you should only get involved on his invitation.

I'm really sorry if this post comes across as insensitive. I don't mean it to be, and I'm very sorry for what happened to you with your ex. I understand jealously is a common and powerful emotion and I don't blame you for feeling this way at all. The reason I'm so blunt is because there's no reason jealousy should lead to arguments in a healthy relationship. If there's real trust and real love then this should be something you can work together on overcoming. I don't know whether your boyfriend is trustworthy or not. If he's not then you have a real problem. But you've said he is, and if that's the case this should be a total non-issue.
Original post by RalphsDisciple
So, obviously, these girls are WAY out of line. If this was my boyfriend, I'd be absolutely fuming by now. With them being work colleagues, you can't ask him to stop seeing or talking to them, but you can certainly set boundaries. Talk to him and tell him what you are and aren't comfortable with. Although, honestly, if your boyfriend is allowing this sort of stuff to continue (particularly the girl staying over - MAJOR red flag) then it sounds like he might not have your best interests at heart at all.


Original post by SarahFlettx
I would be fuming! Although I do think you're being a bit too lenient with your boyfriend. A girl staying over would not be an option in my books! He should have put her in a taxi home, as you say she's 24 and not his responsibility. I'd tell my boyfriend to delete their numbers and not to text them - not because I'm a control freak, but they obviously don't care he has a girlfriend and are still very persistant. He should be able to work with them and not have to have contact with them out of work. And if he doesn't agree with you on that then he may not be so innocent himself.


I don't understand what's wrong with her staying over. That's a thing that happens fairly often. I don't think I've ever turned my couch down to anyone on a night out. Probably twenty or thirty people have crashed here, and you know, I've never slept with a single one of them. It's just the decent thing to do. Her behavior was pretty ****, no argument about that, but that doesn't mean I'd want my boyfriend to turn her out on the streets and I wouldn't expect him to shell out for a taxi for her.

And forcing him to delete numbers is just crazy imo.
Reply 10
Original post by theorangebox
I don't understand what's wrong with her staying over. That's a thing that happens fairly often. I don't think I've ever turned my couch down to anyone on a night out. Probably twenty or thirty people have crashed here, and you know, I've never slept with a single one of them. It's just the decent thing to do. Her behavior was pretty ****, no argument about that, but that doesn't mean I'd want my boyfriend to turn her out on the streets and I wouldn't expect him to shell out for a taxi for her.

And forcing him to delete numbers is just crazy imo.


I agree

These girls may be out of line, but the above shouldnt be an issue if you trust your bf to say no to any advances.
Also with the girl who asks your bf to pretend to be her bf - i have several guy mates who will pretend to do that if my bf isnt around on say club nights or whatever. It does not mean they do anything more physically than put their arm around me and say 'back off please shes my gf'. Thats it - no kissing or anything.
It is a much easier option than constantly having to refuse guys requests for numbers, dances, kisses etc on my own (and as most guys dont take no for an answer you can imagine what a pain this is).


Also your boyfriend is telling you eveything, now you will get the odd guy who does this to make you jealous, but its most likely a sign that he isnt doing anything to be worried about. Start worrying when he begins to hide things from you.
(edited 10 years ago)
Original post by theorangebox
I don't understand what's wrong with her staying over. That's a thing that happens fairly often. I don't think I've ever turned my couch down to anyone on a night out. Probably twenty or thirty people have crashed here, and you know, I've never slept with a single one of them. It's just the decent thing to do. Her behavior was pretty ****, no argument about that, but that doesn't mean I'd want my boyfriend to turn her out on the streets and I wouldn't expect him to shell out for a taxi for her.

And forcing him to delete numbers is just crazy imo.


Well even if the shoe was on the other foot, I'd certainly not have a guy stay on my couch, even if I had to use his phone and get someone else to take him for the night. I wouldn't get my boyfriend to delete every girls number, of course not. But if these girls are texting all the time there's something not right, so why no just nip it in the bud early?

I think it's just down to personal opinion if I'm honest. I've been with my boyfriend 5 and a half years so maybe my opinion would be different from someone who had maybe only been together a couple of months.
Those girls sound really horrible!
At the end of the day you can't help it if girls come onto your boyfriend. What matters is his reaction to it. If he doesn't like them and is not encouraging their behaviour then you should trust him.

Talk to him about your issues.
Honestly I have only ever had guy friends stay over when I'm single. I don't know why, it just saves any jealousy etc. My 2 guy mates stayed over about 2 weeks ago on the sofa while I was upstairs in my own room but I wouldn't have done that if I was still with my ex. Only because I know he wouldn't be ok comfortable with it even though I was in a different room. I would have found them somewhere else to stay or got them a taxi.
Relationships work with communication. You'll probably find that he did not realise that the girl staying one night would upset you because at the end of the day he was not cheating on you.
Original post by SarahFlettx
Well even if the shoe was on the other foot, I'd certainly not have a guy stay on my couch, even if I had to use his phone and get someone else to take him for the night. I wouldn't get my boyfriend to delete every girls number, of course not. But if these girls are texting all the time there's something not right, so why no just nip it in the bud early?

I think it's just down to personal opinion if I'm honest. I've been with my boyfriend 5 and a half years so maybe my opinion would be different from someone who had maybe only been together a couple of months.


I'm not sure it is just a matter of personal opinion though, 'cause it's someone else's life you're controlling. I mean if your boyfriend completely agrees with you and is fine with all this and you're both happy, then fair enough, there's no problem. I just think he'd be within his rights to disagree - surely it's his business who he has on his phone and who stays on his couch.
Original post by theorangebox
I'm not sure it is just a matter of personal opinion though, 'cause it's someone else's life you're controlling. I mean if your boyfriend completely agrees with you and is fine with all this and you're both happy, then fair enough, there's no problem. I just think he'd be within his rights to disagree - surely it's his business who he has on his phone and who stays on his couch.


I think the words 'controlling somones life' are a bit too strong, as in my opinion it's only preventing a situation which may not have a good outcome. Yeah it's his business who he has on his phone and couch, but not when those people clearly have different motives.

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