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Feeling really down, just need to vent...

Hey all... I'm not really one to make posts like this anonymously on forums but I just need an impartial space to try and clear my head.

Quite recently I moved in with my long term boyfriend a long way from my family home in preparation for uni. It was all great to start with but recently I'm finding it really hard to adjust being with him constantly, being away from my friends and my family.

Three weeks ago a close member of my family passed away in a very shocking way - nobody saw it coming and it was a complete surprise. I was home visiting my family when my mum got the phonecall and ever since I've not really been myself at all. I've been having a lot of nightmares mixed in with sleep paralysis so I haven't been sleeping well at all. It's just brought a lot of repressed, compartmentalised feelings right to the surface and I am finding it extremely hard to cope.

Shortly after this event my boyfriend had serious words with me, saying I don't do anything and it's upsetting him. I am between jobs and education so I have nothing to do when he is at work. I cook him dinner every single night, I make the flat tidy and I'm trying my best to get some exercise in. I am also trying to get some freelance work and I have been trying to write creatively to get in a healthier headspace. Nothing I do seems to be enough. When he is at work I'm almost catatonic in between cleaning and eating. I just sit on my laptop or in front of the TV, feeling really depressed. I've been having negative thoughts which I can't seem to get away from. I've almost called samaritans a few times but I don't know what I'd say.

My sister is getting married in two weeks and although I am extremely happy for her, I'm also intensely jealous. I am a christian woman and I think part of the reason I don't feel comfortable in my new 'home' is because I don't personally want to be cohabiting with no formal commitment. I know it's wrong to be obsessing over the idea of marriage and I have broached it with my boyfriend. His responses left a lot to be desired. He says he doesn't want to get married for almost ten years and doesn't want children for some time after that... Now, I do want a good career and want to wait for children and marriage. I just want the commitment of an engagement but he gets angry when I bring it up. I don't understand why - our relationship is so strong and this feels so important to me. We're both in our 20s and I don't want to get married just yet, I just want the commitment which I feel will never happen. The other day I was listening to a song and one of the lyrics was "you ought to give me wedding rings" and he laughed, saying he'd rather 'give me his dick than give (me) wedding rings'. He didn't understand why his 'joke' hurt me. I don't get why he'd make the commitment of living with me and not give me the commitment I really need. I think the death of my family member has just made all these feelings boil to the surface as he was in an unfulfilling relationship which made him unhappy.

I guess what I feel is, I don't want to be in a relationship where five years down the line I still feel like this, only to break up over different views. I love him very, very much but I don't know how to balance how I feel whilst loving him so intensely. I don't know if I'm asking for advice or what, I just really needed to vent. I don't want to talk to my friends or family because they'll just tell me it isn't important when to me, it's the world. Sorry for such a long message...


TL;DR: Winge winge winge.
Bumped as this took a while to be approved .
You need to talk to your doctor about how this death has affected you. Samaritans are great, and they would of course listen, but a doctor can give you actual help.

With your boyfriend - look, if you really want marriage and he doesn't, maybe you're not that compatible. You can't pressure him into proposing, and it won't make you feel any better, it will just paper over your depression.

Talk to your boyfriend about how low you're really feeling - he should then be more understanding about your lethargy. And please go to your doctor.
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Anonymous #1
OP
Original post by ChocoCoatedLemons
You need to talk to your doctor about how this death has affected you. Samaritans are great, and they would of course listen, but a doctor can give you actual help.

With your boyfriend - look, if you really want marriage and he doesn't, maybe you're not that compatible. You can't pressure him into proposing, and it won't make you feel any better, it will just paper over your depression.

Talk to your boyfriend about how low you're really feeling - he should then be more understanding about your lethargy. And please go to your doctor.


Thank you for your advice and kindness for responding. I think this death has hit me extremely hard, harder than I ever anticipated whilst I was still trying to wrap my head around it. I will take your advice and book an appointment with a doctor.

I really don't want to pressure my boyfriend into anything and I hate the way I'm feeling. I didn't think it was so important to me but I guess recently I found out how important it really feels. I know it sounds really stupid, love is love and shouldn't need any validation... but I just don't feel comfortable with our situation right now. I hate that I feel like this and I am desperate to go back to being happy with how things were. My brain just wont let me and it's stupid. I have tried talking to him about how I feel but he just says I need to force myself to be proactive, when I really am trying. Bleh, it's a weird situation and I can't get my head around how I feel.
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Avatar for Ladycrumpet
Ladycrumpet
I know it's selfish but I'm happy that you posted this. I'm not happy that you feel this way but it makes me feel less alone, I'm in pretty much an identical situation, and I'm at a loose end of who I should speak to, I live 300 miles away from my family I live with my boyfriend at UNI and down here I feel like I haven't got any genuine friends I can speak to the only person I have is him, I'm 20 and my bf is 27, sometimes I wish he could be a bit more committed. Like you I do everything for my boyfriend. I feel like I'm constantly trying but he always seems in an odd mood he is so up and down, and don't get me wrong I like his family but I feel like his mum is always in his ear, like when I make plans for the future I try and choose what's best for us but I feel like when he makes plans there only with his best interests at heart, when we talk about the future and loving each other he sounds so loving and committed but I feel like he rarely shows it in day to day life. I had trouble with sleeping too I had severe insomnia in our first year together I'm getting a lot better now but he appeared sympathetic of my problem but when it came to the real deal he would get annoyed when I wasn't going to bed at the same time as him. I love him to bits but like you said I don't wanna be in this same situation 5 years down the line. But I wonder will he grow up at all and realise there is two people in our relationship not just him. I don't know who to talk to I've list a lot of my friends when I moved and haven't made many at UNI because of him, and I'm close with my mum but don't want to tell her coz I know it will make her hate him. I feels so good to be able to tell someone. X


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