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Boyfriends Mum Wont Let Us See Each Other on 3rd Anniversary? Am I Overreacting?

This evening my boyfriend and I were in the car with his Mum, just talking about upcoming dates and she told him that they're going away on holiday for a week next April for his sister's 21st birthday, him and all their family. Bearing in mind our anniversary is on the 6th April, I said, "Do you know the dates? What about our anniversary?" Which got a very snappy answer from her saying "I think his sisters 21st is more important, really." He is 18, I'm 17, 18 next month, and we've been together 2.5 years. His Mum has never particularly liked me and I've never known why. In my opinion, our anniversary is very important to me and I want to spend it with him. I understand it's his sisters birthday and would be willing to pay my own way but I do think if he has to go away with them, I should be allowed to go too, as we're a couple and that's what couples do. His entire family is going, aunts, uncles, grandparents, cousins, and I do think it's only fair that I should be allowed to go too, as we're in a longterm adult relationship. It's not as if I expect them to pay for me but I really think our anniversary as a couple is important. He hasn't said much, just mumbled something about having not seen his sister for a long time as she lives away. I was just wondering if I'm being unreasonable to expect to be able to spend our anniversary together, or if I am justified in being upset by this.

I forgot to mention that it's not a holiday abroad, it's just camping for a week in Devon. Nothing major. But yes I do understand that some people consider anniversary's only when married, but we don't. We're not just a couple of kids, we're a serious couple who've been friends for 7 years and dating for 2.5. Of course I get that he should see his sister for her birthday but I just think that any other older couple who've been dating 3 years by then would be allowed to go together so why does us being only 18 make any difference?

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Reply 1
I'm afraid that , for me, family comes first. I'm 18 and I'd be very understanding if my boyfriend of nearly three years decided to spend our anniversary with his sister, who he hasn't seen for a long time. You should not feel too bad though because you have not been controlling or bossy about it; it's natural to feel a little bit disappointed about it.

I don't know if it would be a good idea for you to be there on his sister's birthday because I get the impression that his Mother makes you feel uncomfortable, which i feel could create an atmosphere. However, only you will know whether it will be a good idea of not. What I could suggest is that you could celebrate it before he goes.

Edited: I am using a tablet and it scrolls to the top of the page when I type, so I can't see what I'm writing. I apologise for any typos. I also accidentally hit the post button before I finished my post :colondollar:
(edited 10 years ago)
I understand where your coming from and where your mum is coming from. However, I do agree that if she hasn't seen him for a while perhaps him visiting her shouldn't be a major issue?

Could you celebrate your anniversary before or after he comes back? That way you'd both get the best of both worlds.

Understand that this will be awkward for him too, he's split between two people he loves, therefore you should really approach the subject softly.

Speak to him - I'm sure you'll sort something!
Can you celebrate your anniversary when he comes back from this holiday? (or before)
Family comes first for a lot of people. I think you should just celebrate your anniversary when he gets back.
Just celebrate it when he comes back. Insisting on coming is an imposition on his family and you won't be appreciated if you do. His mum is more likely to respect you if you say that you understand that family comes first.
Reply 6
Guys, I really do understand where you're all coming from, but to me, he is family. We're practically engaged, he's already spoken to me about buying me a ring next year and proposing (whether or not you think we're too young isn't really the question so I'd appreciate no comments about that). My point is if we were couple that were married or older, no one would expect him to go without me, so why do they now? He's just as important to me as family, I want to spend the rest of my life with him and yes we could celebrate at another time but I just think normal couples would go together...
Original post by MelHunt182
Guys, I really do understand where you're all coming from, but to me, he is family. We're practically engaged, he's already spoken to me about buying me a ring next year and proposing (whether or not you think we're too young isn't really the question so I'd appreciate no comments about that). My point is if we were couple that were married or older, no one would expect him to go without me, so why do they now? He's just as important to me as family, I want to spend the rest of my life with him and yes we could celebrate at another time but I just think normal couples would go together...


It's a family thing, and to his family, clearly that doesn't include you. Suck it up and put a smile on, because you're putting him in a nasty situation by bitching
(edited 10 years ago)
I understand your point, but I think you are expecting quite a lot. The holiday has obviously been booked for a while; his Mum may not have given your anniversary any thought, and his family is obviously important to him. If you claim to be in an adult relationship, then you have to respect his values and be adult about your relationship. He does have his family life, as well as his life with you, and you won't always be the priority. That's just how things go.

As for going along, I can understand his Mum's point of view. It is meant to be a family holiday and, whilst you may have been with him for over 2 years, you're not really "family". You must appreciate that you are young and she still considers her son as being part of the family, for the purposes of holidays, birthdays, etc. It's not quite the same as when you're older and living together or married.

Try to understand his Mum's point of view, don't kick up too much of a fuss about it, and you might find that she will respect you more. Otherwise, you're going to seem a bit like a petulant child. It might even be worth having a chat with her about it, and trying to resolve your differences. I'm sure she doesn't hate you, or even dislike you, but she might misunderstand you.
(edited 10 years ago)
It's his sisters 21st birthday and they have arranged to go away for the week. Don't you think it would be a bit selfish if he didn't go just to stay with you? Especially if he doesn't see his sister much. And if your sister doesn't know you very well, she might not be comfortable with you there/want you there. Yes it's harsh, but if it were me I don't know if I'd want my brothers girlfriend who I might not know well, at my 21st birthday when it is meant to be just a family thing. It may end up with him having to entertain you and not spending that much time with his sister and family.

I understand that the anniversary is important to you, but at the end of the day it's just a day. On my 3rd anniversary me and my bf barely did anything, it was just a normal day tbh. You could just celebrate it when he gets back.
Reply 10
I'm not going to make a big fuss about it, if it's a no it's a no. I've been invited on a holiday once last year and that went fine, although recently she has appeared to have something against me. I've always been a part of their family, going to parties and I'm round their house once a week for dinner etc. His Mum is always polite but often seems to want him to spend less time with me. I'm just kind of disappointed that after all this time his family wont accept me into the family properly and allow me to be a part of this. The fact that we'd already be living together by next year if it wasn't for the fact that we're both applying for different universities is also part of my disappointment, as I want to spend as much time with him as possible next year before we go away. You all seem to think I'm being a bit of a bitch but I really don't mean to be. I get family does come first but personally I feel like he's my family and we're a couple... I don't know. He's already said he'll mention me going nearer the time but I do understand that it's not my place to make a huge fuss if his Mum doesn't want me around, even if it's upsetting.
Reply 11
Original post by *Dreaming*
Especially if he doesn't see his sister much. And if your sister doesn't know you very well, she might not be comfortable with you there/want you there. Yes it's harsh, but if it were me I don't know if I'd want my brothers girlfriend who I might not know well, at my 21st birthday when it is meant to be just a family thing. It may end up with him having to entertain you and not spending that much time with his sister and family.


Sorry if I didn't mention it but I actually do know his sister quite well and we've always gotten along fine. I didn't even think about his sister having a problem with it as I do know her, I've known the family for years.
He's going on holiday for his sisters birthday, obviously the whole family isn't going to plan the sisters birthday around their 18 year old's anniversary...

Are you normally allowed to sleep together? Just hint to the sister that you want to go.
Reply 13
My advice would be to say to your boyfriend that it's no problem, you can arrange to celebrate your anniversary before or after his sisters birthday, he will thank you for being understanding as he obviously wouldn't want tension between you and his mum/ family. Show his mum that you are mature and your relationship should be treated as more mature by wishing them a nice family celebration and perhaps even giving her a card/ birthday gift to pass on to your boyfriend's sister. Sometimes you have to let family come first :smile: Whatever you do, don't make an issue about not being able to spend your anniversary together as it will look like you care more about yourself than his family (even though I know it sucks being apart).
I spent 3 years at a different uni to my boyfriend so we missed lots of anniversaries and birthdays, for example I had to miss his 21st birthday so his family could spend it with him.
You can still celebrate your anniversary together on a different day and it won't mean you love each other any less!
xoxo
Reply 14
Like I said before, it's natural to be a little disappointed that you might not be able to spend your anniversary together but saying that we all "think that you're being a bitch" sounds a little immature.

However, it does show in your posts that you are very upset about this, which is understandable seeing as it happened a few hours ago. I'll just have to say that you need more time to get over how upset that you feel about his Mother's words before you can truly know how you really feel about not spending your anniversary together. Maybe you'll never be 100% happy about it but you'll be okay with it. I cannot judge you or nearly three years of a relationship based on a few posts but I'm sure that you'll grow to understand the possibility that you may not be able to be with your boyfriend. There's still quite some time for decisions to be made and it could turn out that you can go without any problems arising. I'm afraid that we - as complete strangers - can only provide our own opinions. It's up to you to figure out what's best. I hope that I have been as helpful as i wanted to be.
Reply 15
You got married at 15??
Original post by MelHunt182
Guys, I really do understand where you're all coming from, but to me, he is family. We're practically engaged, he's already spoken to me about buying me a ring next year and proposing (whether or not you think we're too young isn't really the question so I'd appreciate no comments about that). My point is if we were couple that were married or older, no one would expect him to go without me, so why do they now? He's just as important to me as family, I want to spend the rest of my life with him and yes we could celebrate at another time but I just think normal couples would go together...


to you yes - to his family your still a couple of kids. And being married is a lot different that being in a teenage relationship however long its been.
Reply 17
Original post by spocckka
You got married at 15??


No? Anniversary of dating?
Reply 18
Ok, thank you to everyone who's given good advice. I do see that I may need to just accept the fact that his Mum would rather spend time with their family, even though it's not what I want. Of course, I want to be with him and a week without him, even on a day that's not our anniversary, wouldn't be great. But if this isn't possible, I don't want to stand in the way of a nice family time. Although he has said he'd love me to be their too so we shall have to see.
Reply 19
Original post by MelHunt182
No? Anniversary of dating?


Is that really a thing though?

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