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Completely at the end of my rope.
I came home from uni for the summer at 1:30 this morning, having just completed my first year. Less than 24 hours later I already can't stand being at home. I have an extremely well-paid job starting on Monday and I'm basically committed to being in the area until 29th September, with the exception of the two weeks in August when I'll be travelling.
The problem is my mum. My dad, brother and I all agree that she is completely unreasonable. She never stops shouting and moaning. A few months ago she was made redundant from her job, and although she has a new job starting in September and she has also been doing bits of work here and there, most of the time when she gets angry she ends up ranting and raving about her old boss and how terrible he was, and how she was such a victim. The thing is, she did that with the job before that as well, and with one she did a few years ago, which both ended badly.
She bullies my dad about the fact that he doesn't earn as much money as she thought he would when she married him, and about the fact that he often spends money on things we don't really need and then asks her for a cheque when he goes overdrawn. She's always shouting at him for not doing enough round the house and letting her do all the work. (She also complains a lot about being overworked and always has. I think this is mainly due to habit, since she invents work to fill the time she has available. She often does jobs which don't need doing and then shouts at the rest of us for "making" her do them. Also, since she's currently unemployed, whereas my dad has a full-time job, my brother is at college, and I'm in a four day gap between finishing uni and starting a full-time job, we all fail to see why she is so overworked, as she claims.)
She bullies my brother incessantly about college. He's intelligent, but not naturally academic, and doesn't like doing work. The thing is, I think he'd do a lot better if she didn't shout at him all the time. She says she has to shout at him, otherwise he wouldn't do anything, and criticises my dad for letting her down by not putting yet more pressure on my brother. But when he does do his work, it's never good enough. When he gets bad results, it's because he's lazy and because my dad didn't back her up enough in trying to force him to work. When he gets good results, she takes all the credit by saying, "Well done!" but then reminding everyone that he only achieved what he did because she pushed him. As a result, my brother has come to realise that she will make his life a misery whatever he does, and so he may as well just sit around and watch TV. He has no real motivation to work. He says he's not interested in going to uni, and I think this is probably because he can't face another three years of her either saying he's doing badly because he's lazy or doing well because of her, and having her constantly complain about the money. He therefore has no real motivation to get good grades, but no idea what he wants to do. My mum says he's free to drop out if he wants, but we all know that if he did nobody would ever hear the end of that either, and my dad would be permanently saddled with the blame.
I was always thoroughly academic, got really good A-level grades, a very well-paying job in my gap year, and I've just finished with a 2:1 in my first year at Bristol. I'm not being funny, but you'd think that most parents would be proud of my achievements. My dad is. My mum is too, in her own way. But I still can't do anything right. I'm lazy, I'm selfish, I don't give her any help, I think I'm too good for this family, and now I'm apparently ashamed of my family. Last night when they came to pick me up from uni, I had to return my key at about 10pm, and the hall tutor was in the bar. Fair enough, I said I'd leave them in my flat for 5 minutes because I didn't really want to take them into the bar. But nobody walks into their hall bar with their parents. It's just cringeworthy. When we took some of my things over to my new house, I introduced them to my housemate, who has lovely manners and went to a very prestigious private school. She was absolutely charming to my parents and they chatted for a bit before we left. But my mum is now saying I've clearly gone up in the world, and don't think people like she and my dad are good enough for me any more.
This afternoon, my mum came home and shouted at me because I'd just got up and hadn't unpacked my suitcases yet. On one of the only days this summer when I'm actually on holiday before starting work, I fancied a lie in. I was extremely tired, due to the fact that I went to bed late last night, and only had 2 hours' sleep the night before because I was out saying goodbye to my friends and then had to get up early and pack. My packing took a long time because I ensured that my clothes, bedding and towels were all freshly washed and folded neatly, so I wouldn't be coming home with suitcases full of dirty stuff for my mum to deal with. A couple of hours ago she put my towels in the washing machine. I asked her why she was washing them, since the whole reason I'd done all that before I left was so that she wouldn't have to, and that I'd clearly wasted my time and money. She then started shouting at me about how I'm so selfish and so lazy and never do anything to help her, and how I was ashamed of her in front of my friends, and a load of other stuff which to me seemed completely irrelevant and untrue. I lost my temper and shouted at her, asking how she could possibly be accusing me of being selfish for doing all my washing before I came home, and said that I wasn't prepared to talk to her unless she was being reasonable.
I then went upstairs and slammed my door in the manner of a very small and obnoxious child, whilst she shouted at my dad because apparently it's his fault that I've grown up so spoilt, and shouted at him for not coming upstairs and shouting at me. I then opened the door and shouted that perhaps the reason my dad wasn't coming and having a go at me was because he didn't agree with her.
Help me! Is this how the whole summer is going to be? I am an adult. I've spent a year away from home and now I come back to this. It really annoys me that as soon as I get home she forces me to act like a child because she makes me so angry. My dad and brother are completely on my side, but she dominates the whole family. Whenever my dad tries to stand up for himself or one of us, she threatens to leave him and reminds him about how rubbish he is, and says some really hurtful things.
Is there anything I can do? I don't think I can cope with three months of this.
PS - sorry this is so long.
The problem is my mum. My dad, brother and I all agree that she is completely unreasonable. She never stops shouting and moaning. A few months ago she was made redundant from her job, and although she has a new job starting in September and she has also been doing bits of work here and there, most of the time when she gets angry she ends up ranting and raving about her old boss and how terrible he was, and how she was such a victim. The thing is, she did that with the job before that as well, and with one she did a few years ago, which both ended badly.
She bullies my dad about the fact that he doesn't earn as much money as she thought he would when she married him, and about the fact that he often spends money on things we don't really need and then asks her for a cheque when he goes overdrawn. She's always shouting at him for not doing enough round the house and letting her do all the work. (She also complains a lot about being overworked and always has. I think this is mainly due to habit, since she invents work to fill the time she has available. She often does jobs which don't need doing and then shouts at the rest of us for "making" her do them. Also, since she's currently unemployed, whereas my dad has a full-time job, my brother is at college, and I'm in a four day gap between finishing uni and starting a full-time job, we all fail to see why she is so overworked, as she claims.)
She bullies my brother incessantly about college. He's intelligent, but not naturally academic, and doesn't like doing work. The thing is, I think he'd do a lot better if she didn't shout at him all the time. She says she has to shout at him, otherwise he wouldn't do anything, and criticises my dad for letting her down by not putting yet more pressure on my brother. But when he does do his work, it's never good enough. When he gets bad results, it's because he's lazy and because my dad didn't back her up enough in trying to force him to work. When he gets good results, she takes all the credit by saying, "Well done!" but then reminding everyone that he only achieved what he did because she pushed him. As a result, my brother has come to realise that she will make his life a misery whatever he does, and so he may as well just sit around and watch TV. He has no real motivation to work. He says he's not interested in going to uni, and I think this is probably because he can't face another three years of her either saying he's doing badly because he's lazy or doing well because of her, and having her constantly complain about the money. He therefore has no real motivation to get good grades, but no idea what he wants to do. My mum says he's free to drop out if he wants, but we all know that if he did nobody would ever hear the end of that either, and my dad would be permanently saddled with the blame.
I was always thoroughly academic, got really good A-level grades, a very well-paying job in my gap year, and I've just finished with a 2:1 in my first year at Bristol. I'm not being funny, but you'd think that most parents would be proud of my achievements. My dad is. My mum is too, in her own way. But I still can't do anything right. I'm lazy, I'm selfish, I don't give her any help, I think I'm too good for this family, and now I'm apparently ashamed of my family. Last night when they came to pick me up from uni, I had to return my key at about 10pm, and the hall tutor was in the bar. Fair enough, I said I'd leave them in my flat for 5 minutes because I didn't really want to take them into the bar. But nobody walks into their hall bar with their parents. It's just cringeworthy. When we took some of my things over to my new house, I introduced them to my housemate, who has lovely manners and went to a very prestigious private school. She was absolutely charming to my parents and they chatted for a bit before we left. But my mum is now saying I've clearly gone up in the world, and don't think people like she and my dad are good enough for me any more.
This afternoon, my mum came home and shouted at me because I'd just got up and hadn't unpacked my suitcases yet. On one of the only days this summer when I'm actually on holiday before starting work, I fancied a lie in. I was extremely tired, due to the fact that I went to bed late last night, and only had 2 hours' sleep the night before because I was out saying goodbye to my friends and then had to get up early and pack. My packing took a long time because I ensured that my clothes, bedding and towels were all freshly washed and folded neatly, so I wouldn't be coming home with suitcases full of dirty stuff for my mum to deal with. A couple of hours ago she put my towels in the washing machine. I asked her why she was washing them, since the whole reason I'd done all that before I left was so that she wouldn't have to, and that I'd clearly wasted my time and money. She then started shouting at me about how I'm so selfish and so lazy and never do anything to help her, and how I was ashamed of her in front of my friends, and a load of other stuff which to me seemed completely irrelevant and untrue. I lost my temper and shouted at her, asking how she could possibly be accusing me of being selfish for doing all my washing before I came home, and said that I wasn't prepared to talk to her unless she was being reasonable.
I then went upstairs and slammed my door in the manner of a very small and obnoxious child, whilst she shouted at my dad because apparently it's his fault that I've grown up so spoilt, and shouted at him for not coming upstairs and shouting at me. I then opened the door and shouted that perhaps the reason my dad wasn't coming and having a go at me was because he didn't agree with her.
Help me! Is this how the whole summer is going to be? I am an adult. I've spent a year away from home and now I come back to this. It really annoys me that as soon as I get home she forces me to act like a child because she makes me so angry. My dad and brother are completely on my side, but she dominates the whole family. Whenever my dad tries to stand up for himself or one of us, she threatens to leave him and reminds him about how rubbish he is, and says some really hurtful things.
Is there anything I can do? I don't think I can cope with three months of this.
PS - sorry this is so long.
Scroll to see replies
Thank you! 
It sounds to me that your mum is being totally unreasnable, selfish herself and far to overbearing, dominant and generally a pain in the arse. Although you are at uni she clearly feels you belong to her, and the problem is finacially you are still partly dependent and to be honest where else would you go in the summer? Dispite this if my mum was being like this i'd simply tell her calmly that I was my own person, I didn't need her clucking around shown by the fact that I was perfectly happy at uni without her and that if she would please be so kind as to shut the F*** up since you are clearly an adult.
With regard your brother and father I would "wade in" everytime I heard her kicking off, although this sounds heavy handed it is surprisingly effective as it is very hard to bully someone when everyone is against you. The problem with this is she WILL acuse you of trying to "rule the roost" "just because your at uni now" etc to this I would tell her simply that I am an adult and she should recognize that, maybe point out the sheer hypocritical nature of those comments. Also your brother should stick up for himself, I have a really understanding mum that does such long suffering things as picking me up when i'm toasted, but a couple of months ago she started nagging loads regarding my A-levels etc anyway I simply said that she wouldn't be there next year (uni) and that I need to learn to do it myself, she saw reason very quickly (being the bright spark that she is) and i'm sure yours may be able to calm down as well.
Finally don't worry if you start sticking up for yourself things will change, she is probably just worried about having another strong person to compete with. Oh and as regard the bull about your dad's money tell her on that to go bug*er a goat, or other form of sexual deviancy.
Hope I Helped; Chin Up Lass
With regard your brother and father I would "wade in" everytime I heard her kicking off, although this sounds heavy handed it is surprisingly effective as it is very hard to bully someone when everyone is against you. The problem with this is she WILL acuse you of trying to "rule the roost" "just because your at uni now" etc to this I would tell her simply that I am an adult and she should recognize that, maybe point out the sheer hypocritical nature of those comments. Also your brother should stick up for himself, I have a really understanding mum that does such long suffering things as picking me up when i'm toasted, but a couple of months ago she started nagging loads regarding my A-levels etc anyway I simply said that she wouldn't be there next year (uni) and that I need to learn to do it myself, she saw reason very quickly (being the bright spark that she is) and i'm sure yours may be able to calm down as well.
Finally don't worry if you start sticking up for yourself things will change, she is probably just worried about having another strong person to compete with. Oh and as regard the bull about your dad's money tell her on that to go bug*er a goat, or other form of sexual deviancy.
Hope I Helped; Chin Up Lass
argh i could use some tips on unreasonable parents too... normally you would say, well just sit down and talk to them but i know that never works as they just get 'wound up' and 'hurt' and end up blaming you again and more shouting usually 
Perhaps more drastic measures where you keep comparing yourself to druggies and showing you mum how lucky she is?
i cant think of anything better tbh..
Perhaps more drastic measures where you keep comparing yourself to druggies and showing you mum how lucky she is?
i cant think of anything better tbh..
Your mum has issues by the sounds of things. Perhaps she's getting restless in housewifey ways...you're best 'playing out time' till your mum starts her new job in September, i'm quite sure once she has this new preoccupation, things could change drastically. Meanwhile, keep yourself busy, out of harms/her way...which by the sounds of things, you will be doing over the summer with your full time paid employment and your holiday. You should view this as a temporary thing and once September comes, things could quite easily turn around.
Sounds like any other mum to me... 
If you're staying there for another 2 months you need to sit down and talk about it because you will go absolutely insane. Your mum doesn't seem like someone to sit down and have a reasonable chat but you need to try and have a calm chat about the situation.
All being said, you're mum is going through a rough time, and there is a lot of stress on mums, so be there for her as well.
If you're staying there for another 2 months you need to sit down and talk about it because you will go absolutely insane. Your mum doesn't seem like someone to sit down and have a reasonable chat but you need to try and have a calm chat about the situation.
All being said, you're mum is going through a rough time, and there is a lot of stress on mums, so be there for her as well.
Well I suggest you invest in some more rope - there's not much you can do except stick it out.
Have you tried talking to her in a calm rational manner, as opposed to after an incident when both of you will be likely to be a bit worked up. I'm sure you have, but you will likely have to try a few times. I think one key thing with dealing with someone who whines and bitches about certain things all of the time is removing their source of complaints - sure you washed your towels and such, but she seems to be looking to be involved and needed.
Perhaps the best tactic would be, before any arguements can occur one morning, ask her for a list of things she would like you to do so that you can be sure to do 'your share'. Hopefully she wont use this as a lead-in to another arguement, and instead will triumphantly appoint certain tasks to you. Make sure you write them down with her present so it's all set and ready to work. Now you can set to it, and try and stick with the tasks she gave you. If you manage to always stay two steps ahead and keep these things done then you are standing on far firmer ground should any problems arise.
As for your brother, make him see the light! Perhaps have a quiet talk about how you think Uni is important, and maybe offer to help him with some of the preliminary things he needs to think about, like what courses might interest him. If he is constantly getting knocked back by your mum, then he might not feel like he has anything worthwhile to offer. If you get the ball rolling and help him start considering uni then he might decide it is for him.
As for getting you to act childishly - that's what parents do best! Everyone changes back into 'Son/Daughter mode' when they are around their parents again. If you can avoid the arguements then you can likely keep a lid on that door-slamming alter ego.
Have you tried talking to her in a calm rational manner, as opposed to after an incident when both of you will be likely to be a bit worked up. I'm sure you have, but you will likely have to try a few times. I think one key thing with dealing with someone who whines and bitches about certain things all of the time is removing their source of complaints - sure you washed your towels and such, but she seems to be looking to be involved and needed.
Perhaps the best tactic would be, before any arguements can occur one morning, ask her for a list of things she would like you to do so that you can be sure to do 'your share'. Hopefully she wont use this as a lead-in to another arguement, and instead will triumphantly appoint certain tasks to you. Make sure you write them down with her present so it's all set and ready to work. Now you can set to it, and try and stick with the tasks she gave you. If you manage to always stay two steps ahead and keep these things done then you are standing on far firmer ground should any problems arise.
As for your brother, make him see the light! Perhaps have a quiet talk about how you think Uni is important, and maybe offer to help him with some of the preliminary things he needs to think about, like what courses might interest him. If he is constantly getting knocked back by your mum, then he might not feel like he has anything worthwhile to offer. If you get the ball rolling and help him start considering uni then he might decide it is for him.
As for getting you to act childishly - that's what parents do best! Everyone changes back into 'Son/Daughter mode' when they are around their parents again. If you can avoid the arguements then you can likely keep a lid on that door-slamming alter ego.
white_haired_wizard
Your mum has issues by the sounds of things. Perhaps she's getting restless in housewifey ways...you're best 'playing out time' till your mum starts her new job in September, i'm quite sure once she has this new preoccupation, things could change drastically. Meanwhile, keep yourself busy, out of harms/her way...which by the sounds of things, you will be doing over the summer with your full time paid employment and your holiday. You should view this as a temporary thing and once September comes, things could quite easily turn around.
It's not a temporary thing. She's always been like this, and it seems that she's simply got progressively worse over the years. Her dad is a bit like this too, and she always talks about the things her dad did when she was a kid, and the things she does for us that he didn't do for her, and the things she accepts that he wouldn't have put up with, but in reality she's exactly like him.
I think I'm just finding it impossible to accept now I've been away for a year and lived independently, and managed just fine without her. Before I went to uni she used to say things like, "You'll never cope when you have to do everything for yourself!" and "You'll soon miss home comforts!" and saying that basically I was incapable of looking after myself and going to uni would make me realise just how incompetent I am and how she was right all along, but actually I've been fine. And I'd much, much rather be doing all my own cooking, cleaning and washing, and paying for everything myself, than sitting here, suddenly a child again, having to listen to her.
Vetinari
Well I suggest you invest in some more rope - there's not much you can do except stick it out.
Have you tried talking to her in a calm rational manner, as opposed to after an incident when both of you will be likely to be a bit worked up. I'm sure you have, but you will likely have to try a few times. I think one key thing with dealing with someone who whines and bitches about certain things all of the time is removing their source of complaints - sure you washed your towels and such, but she seems to be looking to be involved and needed.
Perhaps the best tactic would be, before any arguements can occur one morning, ask her for a list of things she would like you to do so that you can be sure to do 'your share'. Hopefully she wont use this as a lead-in to another arguement, and instead will triumphantly appoint certain tasks to you. Make sure you write them down with her present so it's all set and ready to work. Now you can set to it, and try and stick with the tasks she gave you. If you manage to always stay two steps ahead and keep these things done then you are standing on far firmer ground should any problems arise.
As for your brother, make him see the light! Perhaps have a quiet talk about how you think Uni is important, and maybe offer to help him with some of the preliminary things he needs to think about, like what courses might interest him. If he is constantly getting knocked back by your mum, then he might not feel like he has anything worthwhile to offer. If you get the ball rolling and help him start considering uni then he might decide it is for him.
As for getting you to act childishly - that's what parents do best! Everyone changes back into 'Son/Daughter mode' when they are around their parents again. If you can avoid the arguements then you can likely keep a lid on that door-slamming alter ego.
Have you tried talking to her in a calm rational manner, as opposed to after an incident when both of you will be likely to be a bit worked up. I'm sure you have, but you will likely have to try a few times. I think one key thing with dealing with someone who whines and bitches about certain things all of the time is removing their source of complaints - sure you washed your towels and such, but she seems to be looking to be involved and needed.
Perhaps the best tactic would be, before any arguements can occur one morning, ask her for a list of things she would like you to do so that you can be sure to do 'your share'. Hopefully she wont use this as a lead-in to another arguement, and instead will triumphantly appoint certain tasks to you. Make sure you write them down with her present so it's all set and ready to work. Now you can set to it, and try and stick with the tasks she gave you. If you manage to always stay two steps ahead and keep these things done then you are standing on far firmer ground should any problems arise.
As for your brother, make him see the light! Perhaps have a quiet talk about how you think Uni is important, and maybe offer to help him with some of the preliminary things he needs to think about, like what courses might interest him. If he is constantly getting knocked back by your mum, then he might not feel like he has anything worthwhile to offer. If you get the ball rolling and help him start considering uni then he might decide it is for him.
As for getting you to act childishly - that's what parents do best! Everyone changes back into 'Son/Daughter mode' when they are around their parents again. If you can avoid the arguements then you can likely keep a lid on that door-slamming alter ego.
sounds like good advice.
Sounds like your mum is experiencing a lot of changes and not dealing very well with them.
She's coming to realise you're becoming an independent adult to some extent and will soon be gone altogether. Your brother is not far behind in the scheme of things. I'd guess she's really worried about when you've both gone and she's left alone.
Losing her job would just contribute to things.
You may feel I'm completely wrong, but thats my best guess.
Things, i think/hope, will calm down when the new routine of the summer starts properly.
I don't know what could be done about the way she treats your brother, I think you could maybe talk to him and try to motivate him yourself, if he's old enough/willing to listen.
When I have problems with my mum they usually resolve themselves, this is more ongoing I know, but hopefully it can work itself out.
Hang in there, you'll make it.
xx
She's coming to realise you're becoming an independent adult to some extent and will soon be gone altogether. Your brother is not far behind in the scheme of things. I'd guess she's really worried about when you've both gone and she's left alone.
Losing her job would just contribute to things.
You may feel I'm completely wrong, but thats my best guess.
Things, i think/hope, will calm down when the new routine of the summer starts properly.
I don't know what could be done about the way she treats your brother, I think you could maybe talk to him and try to motivate him yourself, if he's old enough/willing to listen.
When I have problems with my mum they usually resolve themselves, this is more ongoing I know, but hopefully it can work itself out.
Hang in there, you'll make it.
xx
She seems to be being very unreasonable, really sorry to hear what you are going through 
As harsh as it sounds, i think that giving her a taste of her own medicine seems to be the only way forward since she won't listen to you anyway! Just when she's shouting at your dad, borther or you, just keeping argueing you (correct) case. It sounds to me like she is having quite a negative impact on you brothers self confidence since she 'did everything for him', or so she likes to believe.
Is there any way of moving out? Or is that too impractical? Also, wouldn't really solve anything because your dad and brother would still have to put up with it.
Could always call a meeting with your Dad and brother and discuss it with them?
Sorry ic ant be more helpful
Lofty
As harsh as it sounds, i think that giving her a taste of her own medicine seems to be the only way forward since she won't listen to you anyway! Just when she's shouting at your dad, borther or you, just keeping argueing you (correct) case. It sounds to me like she is having quite a negative impact on you brothers self confidence since she 'did everything for him', or so she likes to believe.
Is there any way of moving out? Or is that too impractical? Also, wouldn't really solve anything because your dad and brother would still have to put up with it.
Could always call a meeting with your Dad and brother and discuss it with them?
Sorry ic ant be more helpful
Lofty
get the whole of your family to have make lunch, which is really nice, and all talk to her and dont give her a chance to talk while your eating lunch. if this doesnt work back eachother up all the time. she will feel defenceless but hopefully will have to listen to you all
Apricot Fairy
It's not a temporary thing. She's always been like this, and it seems that she's simply got progressively worse over the years. Her dad is a bit like this too, and she always talks about the things her dad did when she was a kid, and the things she does for us that he didn't do for her, and the things she accepts that he wouldn't have put up with, but in reality she's exactly like him.
I think I'm just finding it impossible to accept now I've been away for a year and lived independently, and managed just fine without her. Before I went to uni she used to say things like, "You'll never cope when you have to do everything for yourself!" and "You'll soon miss home comforts!" and saying that basically I was incapable of looking after myself and going to uni would make me realise just how incompetent I am and how she was right all along, but actually I've been fine. And I'd much, much rather be doing all my own cooking, cleaning and washing, and paying for everything myself, than sitting here, suddenly a child again, having to listen to her.
I think I'm just finding it impossible to accept now I've been away for a year and lived independently, and managed just fine without her. Before I went to uni she used to say things like, "You'll never cope when you have to do everything for yourself!" and "You'll soon miss home comforts!" and saying that basically I was incapable of looking after myself and going to uni would make me realise just how incompetent I am and how she was right all along, but actually I've been fine. And I'd much, much rather be doing all my own cooking, cleaning and washing, and paying for everything myself, than sitting here, suddenly a child again, having to listen to her.
She seems jealous of who you are, what you're becoming, achieving. Your grades in your profile are excellent, i can remember seeing a pic of you on some thread or other, so it's not as though you're lacking in the looks department...perhaps it's a case of you being/doing everything she wished she had the opportunities to do herself when younger, but her social conditions weren't favourable to achieving her wishes et cetera...whereas yours are?? I don't know your social circumstances, so i'm merely hazarding ideas here.
Genetics?? Is your mother depressed? She could well be, she may well not be happy and of course, to you she's been like this for some time, but that's not to say she's not suffering from a mild depression or what-not...it may just be in her nature to employ bullying tactics which she has done on/with your brother and extremely cruelly on your father, with your example of him not earning as much as she thought he would do when getting married.
Maybe you should try talking to her, if that's not possible, try writing a letter. Would you describe your mum as intelligent?? My parents are unbelievably empathetic with me, and me with them. Have you never been that close in relationship, understanding....?
Thanks for this guys. I'm glad to know that I'm not alone. My auntie hasn't spoken to her mother in years. Sometimes it's tempting to sever all contact, but I don't want to be that person. I don't want to be estranged from my family, and I do love my mum. But if I do something for her, it's all wrong, or I'm trying to get something out of her, or she just ignores it.
I was thinking of writing her a letter, but I don't know whether she'd read it.
Something Harry (Gexko) said really made me think. Perhaps she is worried about the fact that I'm now an adult and making my own life, and perhaps she's worried about not playing a major part in it. But how can I make her see that what she's doing is driving all of us away. My brother and I are feeling that if this is how things are always going to be at home, we'd rather just avoid her as much as possible for as long as we have to be here, then move out permanently as soon as we possibly can and never come back. I don't know how to tell her this, because there's no chance that she would sit down and have a calm discussion with us. She'd just shout over the top of us, and she can shout louder and longer than anyone.
I was thinking of writing her a letter, but I don't know whether she'd read it.
Something Harry (Gexko) said really made me think. Perhaps she is worried about the fact that I'm now an adult and making my own life, and perhaps she's worried about not playing a major part in it. But how can I make her see that what she's doing is driving all of us away. My brother and I are feeling that if this is how things are always going to be at home, we'd rather just avoid her as much as possible for as long as we have to be here, then move out permanently as soon as we possibly can and never come back. I don't know how to tell her this, because there's no chance that she would sit down and have a calm discussion with us. She'd just shout over the top of us, and she can shout louder and longer than anyone.
rufus_da_bear
get the whole of your family to have make lunch, which is really nice, and all talk to her and dont give her a chance to talk while your eating lunch. if this doesnt work back eachother up all the time. she will feel defenceless but hopefully will have to listen to you all
Frankly, no.
I think she would read the letter, but if shes as bad as you say she won't accept it. Just go ahead on your path and if she wants to cut you out then thats her look out, don't burn bridges but don't be so sure shell let you build them, oh and don't fold, if you do that you'll allways be the 6 year old
Hey'a, just wanna say I totally know how you feel. The bit about your mum, who is sadly unemployed is making work by inventing jobs to do for herself is very familiar. Also the lack of your incentive for your brother to do well is, i notice in my family due to my mother as well. Basically, its hard cos, my mum says I'm spoilt to,(blames this on my dad) and I'm far too goal orientated but to some extent this is true, but she doesn't give me any credit and when people ask what I'm doing she can't even remember to tell them, yet when I explain to them, she laters tells me when they've gone I'm 'showing off'.
Really, I'm looking foward to uni, as I have had enough being in my gap year with all the yelling in the house. Its hard getting a higher wage rate per hour than my dad and mum when they are working and this is having a real effect on my mum. Who slags my job, and my lifetstyle all the time....
My advice to you or how I've been coping cos' I admit as I said before I can't wait to get away.
1) encourage your brother to live up to your standards, remember you have worked hard to achieve your grades don't let anyone take that from you and use it as a role model for him, since your mother seems to be not filling the gap .it works as my brother is getting his A's now.. was predicted D's as of last year
2)As for your dad, help him out... i dunno he might be having some stress which might encourage your mum to start arguements.. cos' like my mum who is now divorced from my dad did similiar things that your talking about, (basically since the divorce i've noticed a decline in my mum's overall happiness) i'm not saying if this might be the case with your family but cheering your mum up, may help to relieve the stress thats bothering her..
3) family get-togethers are really beneficial....
sorry if i can't be of any more help, do PM me tho as I would be happy to respond to anything....really
Really, I'm looking foward to uni, as I have had enough being in my gap year with all the yelling in the house. Its hard getting a higher wage rate per hour than my dad and mum when they are working and this is having a real effect on my mum. Who slags my job, and my lifetstyle all the time....
My advice to you or how I've been coping cos' I admit as I said before I can't wait to get away.
1) encourage your brother to live up to your standards, remember you have worked hard to achieve your grades don't let anyone take that from you and use it as a role model for him, since your mother seems to be not filling the gap .it works as my brother is getting his A's now.. was predicted D's as of last year
2)As for your dad, help him out... i dunno he might be having some stress which might encourage your mum to start arguements.. cos' like my mum who is now divorced from my dad did similiar things that your talking about, (basically since the divorce i've noticed a decline in my mum's overall happiness) i'm not saying if this might be the case with your family but cheering your mum up, may help to relieve the stress thats bothering her..
3) family get-togethers are really beneficial....
sorry if i can't be of any more help, do PM me tho as I would be happy to respond to anything....really
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