Well, the day is near and my birthday is due to arrive. Great! one may think. But i find every year i end up reflecting on my life and where i'm at and i just get incredibly depressed thinking about it. In a way it's some kind of achievement that i'm typing this now as i've had some rough patches in life; especially last year and thought about chucking it all in - but decided to persevere and not be selfish to other people. It's not like my family know any of this and it's better that way for now really.
So here's a bit of the story. Tomorrow (even today) i'm going to be the ripe old age of 21. It's scary thinking about it because i feel so young compared to other people - i was always the kid who felt left behind. People did dating, girlfriends, sex, driving etc. and i'm just lagging. I'm also quite principled i'm finding and want things to have a reason and be meaningful so i'm not going out on the pull or anything like that.
I've never had a girlfriend and it really depresses me because i see girls i like and i just want to be with them and have someone i could love that'd love me back and could just chat about anything with. I made a mistake of focusing all my energies on one girl and i got badly hurt. I decided i need to be happy with myself and a girl is not so important in my life. The sad thing is i'm making the same mistake twice with a girl i met at uni and speak to a little on the internet. It can't happen but it feels like i'm totally in lust/love with her. It'll pass - i'm just quick to love; but i'm going to have a vain attempt at contacting her after this message.
I finish uni next year and i've got no idea what i want to do. Perhaps i'll go work in some job i don't want to do - i just feel directionless at the moment. Or just go in the army for a few years. I know i'm only 21 but i feel like i should be settling down - i want some stability in my life, perhaps finding the girl i want to be with the rest of my life (a little scary perhaps as people are going to say i'm young).
This is just kind of for me so thanks if anyone's reading this still. I just have a lot of stuff on my mind and a birthday i'd rather not be celebrating (even though i have about 1 real friend and no more) and i'm not doing anyhting for it; i might just stay in bed all day.