The Student Room Group

My Birthday - that time of year

Well, the day is near and my birthday is due to arrive. Great! one may think. But i find every year i end up reflecting on my life and where i'm at and i just get incredibly depressed thinking about it. In a way it's some kind of achievement that i'm typing this now as i've had some rough patches in life; especially last year and thought about chucking it all in - but decided to persevere and not be selfish to other people. It's not like my family know any of this and it's better that way for now really.

So here's a bit of the story. Tomorrow (even today) i'm going to be the ripe old age of 21. It's scary thinking about it because i feel so young compared to other people - i was always the kid who felt left behind. People did dating, girlfriends, sex, driving etc. and i'm just lagging. I'm also quite principled i'm finding and want things to have a reason and be meaningful so i'm not going out on the pull or anything like that.

I've never had a girlfriend and it really depresses me because i see girls i like and i just want to be with them and have someone i could love that'd love me back and could just chat about anything with. I made a mistake of focusing all my energies on one girl and i got badly hurt. I decided i need to be happy with myself and a girl is not so important in my life. The sad thing is i'm making the same mistake twice with a girl i met at uni and speak to a little on the internet. It can't happen but it feels like i'm totally in lust/love with her. It'll pass - i'm just quick to love; but i'm going to have a vain attempt at contacting her after this message.

I finish uni next year and i've got no idea what i want to do. Perhaps i'll go work in some job i don't want to do - i just feel directionless at the moment. Or just go in the army for a few years. I know i'm only 21 but i feel like i should be settling down - i want some stability in my life, perhaps finding the girl i want to be with the rest of my life (a little scary perhaps as people are going to say i'm young).

This is just kind of for me so thanks if anyone's reading this still. I just have a lot of stuff on my mind and a birthday i'd rather not be celebrating (even though i have about 1 real friend and no more) and i'm not doing anyhting for it; i might just stay in bed all day.
Reply 1
Firstly Happy Birthday! I hope that today is bearable even though it may not seem it.

Secondly, from reading your post, it seems to me (and correct me if I'm wrong) you're focusing on all the negatives in your life - no girlfriend, driving, sex etc and completely missing out all the good bits! For a start you're at Uni so you're obviously intelligent and dedicated enough to spend 3 years furthering your education. Also you have morals and beliefs, which are good things. You don't belive in one night stands, you believe in treating girls with respect and you want to find the one person that you want to spend the rest of your life with, most girls would love to hear this, it's romantic and traditional and there is notihng wrong with that at all. There is someone out there for you, it's just going through all the hurt of finding her, but you'll get there in the end.

As for the end of Uni, I've just finished and I'm pretty clueless as for what to do, and I can tell you 9 out of 10 mates don't have a clue either, you're definately NOT the only one! Those who say they know exactly what they're going to do are either very lucky in the fact that they're decided early, or they're just making it up to save face! You'll have a degree this time next year and that opens up a lot of doors for you, don't lose hope yet, you have the world at your feet.

You also say you have a lot on your mind, it might be an idea to talk this through with someone, a mate, counsellor, doctor, or even anonymously on TSR - it might make things a bit clearer if you get how you're feeling, out in the open.

Lastly one thing you could do is set yourself goals, say to complete in the next year. Things like, you mentioned driving, set yourself a goal to take lessons and pass your test by your 22nd birthday. You can set smaller goals too though, even tiny things like 'today I'm going to get out of bed and walk to the shop' just so you leave the house, as I'd hate to think that someone is spending their 21st birthday in bed because they can't face the world.

You can do this. You're strong and you'll get through this and feel better. Good Luck :smile:
Firstly I know where you're coming from as I was there myself a while back, when it comes to finding a girl who you really could see yourself being with for the longterm you shouldn't be to proactive about it and forgot it about the whole issue because eventually someone will turn up when you least expect it and turn your world upside down.

Look at it this way, you may aswell just have a best a time you can, whilst you still can - this doesn't mean going out 'on the pull' etc but just do what you enjoy, socialise and you will almost definately find people you get on with and enjoy each others company.
Reply 3
Thanks for the replies, i appreciate the time and thought put into them.

It has been commented that i'm quite the pessimist and i wouldn't deny this at all. Another thing that makes it slightly more complicated with the girls is that i'd like them to be of the same faith to me as the parents want this (perhaps a bad reason) but it'd only feel "right". I didn't mention that in fact i've not actually kissed a girl before, this is like stuff that 12 year old kids and even younger do. The thought is just scary now because it's embarassing when i know that people my age have slept with a handful of people by now and i've not even breached the first level of intimacy.

I went to counselling last year and we concluded that talking about it wasn't going to help too much and it's really up to me to give people a chance and to make changes. I discovered in the summer that i could actually feel happy; so when i feel bad i think back the times and know i can be happy (which i didn't think before). I wouldn't say i suffered from depression - i'd say i was fighting depression.

The driving is not something i'm so bothered about, sure the public transport sucks and if i was to meet a girl it's kind of awkward but it's just an example of me lagging behind as is with the girls and people doing loads of things i've yet to do.

I just can't help but reflect on my life and see what there is to show for it after each year and i just feel somewhat disappointed but also kind of proud that i'm still here when other people don't have that choice whether they make their next birthday. Before my dad went to bed tonight he said he was proud of me and even if i don't enjoy my life so much; i guess it's important that at least it brings some happiness to my parent's lives.
Reply 4
Course you bring happiness to your parents lives, you're their pride and joy! Your Dad showed that be saying what he did tonight, he wouldn't have if he didn't mean it.

So what if you haven't had your first kiss? You're just someone who is cautious and doesn't want to rush into anything and to be honest thats to be admired, most guys don't care about this type of thing and are just out to get what they want, you should feel proud that you're not like other guys, and you WILL find a girl who appreciates this.

You say people your age have slept with a handful of people, what does that matter? Surely a girl would prefer a guy who hasn't been round the block than someone who's slept with the world and it's friend, I know I would!

Sounds like a bad counsellor who says its all upto you to feel better, their job is to help you feel better, so maybe you had a bad experience with one BUT you know yourself when something isn't working, you tried and it didn't help so well done for trying :smile: Also you know you can feel happy, its just working out what it is that makes you happy, once you've done that things might not seem so bad. What was it last time that make things seem ok?

I hope you're ok and today isn't as bad as you think it might be. Grab that 1 friend you mentioned before and have some fun on your birthday, or enjoy your 21st with your family, either way, make it a turning point in making your life happier for you :smile:
I felt poo on my 20th because I wasn't exactly where I wanted to be by that point in my life. I even cried to myself - and that is the penultimate time I have, to date. However, my problem was purely academic.

The feeling lasted for about 40 minutes of the whole day - that's only 1/36 - ie nothing! I was in lectures in the morning, went out to a swanky joint with coursemates for lunch, mucked about at Hay's Galleria, back in for afternoon lectures, then back to the flat. I sat down on my bed and just happened to feel sad. The feeling didn't last upto an hour though, we were all going out to Mayfair's Embassy club to meet footballers and models and try, perhaps, to sneak a few photos with both types. So I got up, went and had a long snuggle with a flatmate, jumped in the shower - without the flatmate, by this stage - and got ready. That I ditched half the group in Embassy when I decided it was poo and moved the rest on to Tutu's was just for the sake of it. Partly a reassuring display of social value and partly because I loved the absence of sleazy city suits and blatant money-whores. :smile:

Anyhow, that little cry session: Soon the realisation that all I was unhappy about amounted to just one grade overcame the stubborn "...but I want to mope around feeling crap" emotion. Besides, I've done tons of things and been to many fascinating places that I hadn't envisaged years ago! What I was upset about was just one tiny thing - ok, so it may have been about 300 hours worth of work resulting in an imperfect result, but it was still something I could fix.

After all, that's what "power" is - look it up in a dictionary - the ability to take action. It's an ability I take advantage of every day.
Reply 6
I think i'll just be eating with the family and just watch some family argument happen as it's inevitable that my dad had an argument with my auntie (about his parenting skills and she has no kids) and they've not spoken since; so i think it's inevitable sparks are going to fly.

I'd sometimes feel better at the counsellor being able to talk about things because i quickly found out that when you're trying to make friends people only want to be there for the good times and don't really care if you feel bad; so speaking to someone who i wasn't trying to be friends with helped. I just find it hard to relate to people as my social skills aren't amazing (they've improved) i'm just too honest sometimes and don't drink any more and due to my "immaturity" in certain aspects of life i find it even more difficult to relate. The counsellor was just saying that i had to give people a chance and speak to them in order to find friends. This is fair enough because we could sit there every week and talk about it and unless i make changes and effort to speak to people nothing is going to happen on that front.

I just look back at the summer and remember when i was living with about 80 people and we had to bond with each other and just think back to some of the funny things that happened (it was quite extreme circumstances).
Reply 7
Hey we all have families like that, try not to worry :smile:

It's good that you felt a bit better at talking to a counsellor, it's as though you're liberated and free to talk about what you want, you could start again, no problem is too small for a counsellor, not that I'm saying your problem is small, it just may be that you percieve it as nothing in comparision to others. It's still affecting you so it may be worth another shot at tackling through counselling. Just a thought.

Your mates are only there for the good times? They should be there for the crappy times too if they're proper mates. You support each other. I'm sure you'd support them if they felt like you did.

Just keep those memories of last Summer in mind and when you remember them, smile to yourself, it'll make things more bearable :smile:
Reply 8
its ur birthday.. forget about all ur worries and have fun :smile: