White guy and muslim girl

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Anonymous #1
#1
Report Thread starter 7 years ago
#1
I've made this anonymous as people know me on here. I am at uni and have developed a crush on a girl i work with at uni. We text and snapchat a lot! Pretty much constantly. And we are both single and often talk about things like who we think is hot and give each other advice on things. We have become very close and she is now one of my best friends. I want to take this to the next level and I have a feeling she does too (although, like everyone else, i have been wrong about this before!).

The problem is that she is a Muslim and I am white non-religious. She did say that she would be open to eventually marrying a white person and doesn't seem to be overly religious (i.e. doesn't wear the hiqab and has drank alcohol in the past)

I just wondered if anyone, particularly muslims, could give me advice on this as I'm not really sure what im letting myself in for.
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Ignorant
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#2
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Gosh i just made a rant about this in a different post. Mate it would be great if everyone was as open minded as you and this girl you're on about but honestly it's a ****ing mess. People on TSR are generally smart and so they will give you positive feedback in saying you should go for it and that there's no problem.

It's a big deal in muslim/hindu/sikh culture if you get married to someone that is not the same color and caste and it can turn very bad in some cases. My uncle (sikh) was murdered by his wifes family members (she was muslim) naturally this is a somewhat rare case in the UK but it is more common in india/pakistan etc. What i can tell you for sure is that most people in our culture are ****ing idiots (my family included) because they will disrespect you for marrying out of the religion/caste.

It's going to be tough mate, there's going to be a lot of disagreement from her side but if you make it clear and the girl you're with is strong enough to fight her cause then you guys might end up together for real. I wish you luck my friend and hope you destroy this ****ty mindset that our culture has been instilled with.
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TheGirlNextDoor
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(Original post by Anonymous)
I've made this anonymous as people know me on here. I am at uni and have developed a crush on a girl i work with at uni. We text and snapchat a lot! Pretty much constantly. And we are both single and often talk about things like who we think is hot and give each other advice on things. We have become very close and she is now one of my best friends. I want to take this to the next level and I have a feeling she does too (although, like everyone else, i have been wrong about this before!).

The problem is that she is a Muslim and I am white non-religious. She did say that she would be open to eventually marrying a white person and doesn't seem to be overly religious (i.e. doesn't wear the hiqab and has drank alcohol in the past)

I just wondered if anyone, particularly muslims, could give me advice on this as I'm not really sure what im letting myself in for.
What's a hiqab? Is it a 2 in 1 hijabiniqabi?

But seriously, you'd need to know about her family - if they are those really cultural types where problems may occur.

Also you've got to kind of know if she likes you back too. And if she dates.

So I think if you figure out those three things then I'd say go for it.
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Al-Mudaari
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I don't understand what advice you're looking from a Muslim, as we can only be quite negative about this? From our point of view, Muslims aren't allowed to "date" each other, forget Non-Muslims. It's considered a form of zina, with the worst and most sinful stage being the actual fornication.

But let me just say, even if she is not really that religious right now, this is still likely to end in disaster.

- What if her family are religious?
- What if she does suddenly one day become religious? Especially at a time when your relationship with her became serious?
- What about her community, friends etc.?

Her relationship with you will always be a burden one way or another, especially if she did one day "become more religious" as many do (unless you were to one day become a Muslim out of sincerity). Last year I remember, a Sikh guy I know was ranting to me about how his Muslim gf returned from doing the Hajj pilgrimage, and now she wants to wear the hijab and "not get intimate" with him until marriage (ironically, they can't really get married either from a religious point of view, so she may even have been leading him on to compensate the shock change). He was quite fustrated, and was almost in a state of denial. I don't know what happened to their relationship in the end, but such a scenario could happen to you.

So imo, from your point of view, it's always a big risk. It just depends if you think it's worth it.
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Anonymous #1
#5
Report Thread starter 7 years ago
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(Original post by Al-Mudaari)
I don't understand what advice you're looking from a Muslim, as we can only be quite negative about this? From our point of view, Muslims aren't allowed to "date" each other, forget Non-Muslims, otherwise it's considered fornicating which is quite a serious sin.

But let me just say, even if she is not really that religious right now, this is still likely to end in disaster.

- What if her family are religious?
- What if she does suddenly one day become religious? Especially at a time when your relationship with her became serious?
- What about her community, friends etc.?

Her relationship with you will always be a burden, especially if she did one day "become more religious" as many do (unless you were to one day become a Muslim out of sincerity).

So imo, from your point of view, it's always a big risk. It just depends if you think it's worth it.
Thanks for your comments. I'm just really looking for another point of view on it tbh. I know that her family aren't overly religious and she doesn't do all the religious stuff she should do (e.g. donates to charity rather than fasting, occasionally drinks, etc) and has said that she would marry a non-muslim if she loved him enough. I think it is worth it as she is amazing.
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Fat-Love
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#6
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(Original post by Ignorant)
Gosh i just made a rant about this in a different post. Mate it would be great if everyone was as open minded as you and this girl you're on about but honestly it's a ****ing mess. People on TSR are generally smart and so they will give you positive feedback in saying you should go for it and that there's no problem.

It's a big deal in muslim/hindu/sikh culture if you get married to someone that is not the same color and caste and it can turn very bad in some cases. My uncle (sikh) was murdered by his wifes family members (she was muslim) naturally this is a somewhat rare case in the UK but it is more common in india/pakistan etc. What i can tell you for sure is that most people in our culture are ****ing idiots (my family included) because they will disrespect you for marrying out of the religion/caste.

It's going to be tough mate, there's going to be a lot of disagreement from her side but if you make it clear and the girl you're with is strong enough to fight her cause then you guys might end up together for real. I wish you luck my friend and hope you destroy this ****ty mindset that our culture has been instilled with.
Her parents don't sound that overbearing if she can get away with not wearing head coverings and drinks alcohol (probably secretly).

As an asian with a muslim family I'm totally for this guy giving it a shot. I understand there likely will be small difficulties but that depends on how much he likes her and if he decides the problems are worth it.
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Anonymous #1
#7
Report Thread starter 7 years ago
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(Original post by TheGirlNextDoor)
What's a hiqab? Is it a 2 in 1 hijabiniqabi?

But seriously, you'd need to know about her family - if they are those really cultural types where problems may occur.

Also you've got to kind of know if she likes you back too. And if she dates.

So I think if you figure out those three things then I'd say go for it.
Sorry, i meant hijab. Clearly have a lot of learning to do! Well i know that she has been on dates before (but has kept it quiet from her family). And the only way i am going to know if she likes me back, is if i ask her out. So, i probably have to go for it...
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Anonymous #1
#8
Report Thread starter 7 years ago
#8
(Original post by Ignorant)
Gosh i just made a rant about this in a different post. Mate it would be great if everyone was as open minded as you and this girl you're on about but honestly it's a ****ing mess. People on TSR are generally smart and so they will give you positive feedback in saying you should go for it and that there's no problem.

It's a big deal in muslim/hindu/sikh culture if you get married to someone that is not the same color and caste and it can turn very bad in some cases. My uncle (sikh) was murdered by his wifes family members (she was muslim) naturally this is a somewhat rare case in the UK but it is more common in india/pakistan etc. What i can tell you for sure is that most people in our culture are ****ing idiots (my family included) because they will disrespect you for marrying out of the religion/caste.

It's going to be tough mate, there's going to be a lot of disagreement from her side but if you make it clear and the girl you're with is strong enough to fight her cause then you guys might end up together for real. I wish you luck my friend and hope you destroy this ****ty mindset that our culture has been instilled with.
Thanks for your response. I dont really know much about the whole culture and religion aspect of this. I just know that i have never met anyone like her before and wondered how big a problem the non-muslim thing is likely to be.
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Anonymous #1
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Report Thread starter 7 years ago
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(Original post by Fat-Love)
Her parents don't sound that overbearing if she can get away with not wearing head coverings and drinks alcohol (probably secretly).

As an asian with a muslim family I'm totally for this guy giving it a shot. I understand there likely will be small difficulties but that depends on how much he likes her and if he decides the problems are worth it.
Yeah, i don't think they are too overbearing. Also, I think she only has a Mum now as she never mentions her father and definitely doesn't live with him. Thanks for your post.
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CasualSoul
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#10
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Just ensure she doesn't have any nutty siblings

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Bubzeh
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#11
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#11
Nail her
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username1039383
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#12
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Islam isn't a race. Is she Asian/African/Arab?
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Anonymous #2
#13
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Hey I get your issue. I'm a Muslim girl with a single mum and I'm not religious either (exactly the same stuff your friend does) and my mum is quite okay with me with a white non religious person. To be honest, it really does depend on her background. If her mother is liberal and somewhat literate (no disrespect) she will probably be okay with it. You won't know unless you tried. My fiance is a white athiest and I'm muslim, I wonder what would've happened if he never asked me out! :P
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Anonymous #3
#14
Report 7 years ago
#14
I am a Muslim girl,
I'm not overly religious (don't wear a hijab sometimes, blah blah blah)
BUT, I can tell you this won't end well, if you are okay with her wearing a hijab in the future and if she decided to become religious you have to be okay with it
Also, it is important that the girls family knows what the girl does (doesn't always work out) but if her family doesn't know what she does, how do you know she won't keep things from you? (just a thought)
Besides, dating is Haram, if by any chance in the future you want to get married it'd probably not work, either she might be forced out of her Religion, arguments with her parents etc.
You want her parents to like you, if you love her enough to convert that's another story.
One of the biggest sins is to have sex, so if this happens think about her religion and what consequences it has on her,
she may not care now, but trust me she will in the future
Keeping this in mind you can do whatever you want
P.S. i know where she is coming from, i've liked boys, been out with some, but trust me it's not worth it in the end, the guilt is horrible!
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Anonymous #4
#15
Report 7 years ago
#15
(Original post by Anonymous)
I've made this anonymous as people know me on here. I am at uni and have developed a crush on a girl i work with at uni. We text and snapchat a lot! Pretty much constantly. And we are both single and often talk about things like who we think is hot and give each other advice on things. We have become very close and she is now one of my best friends. I want to take this to the next level and I have a feeling she does too (although, like everyone else, i have been wrong about this before!).

The problem is that she is a Muslim and I am white non-religious. She did say that she would be open to eventually marrying a white person and doesn't seem to be overly religious (i.e. doesn't wear the hiqab and has drank alcohol in the past)

I just wondered if anyone, particularly muslims, could give me advice on this as I'm not really sure what im letting myself in for.

The following are opinion and or advice ONLY based on personal experiences -Ive been in a reverse situation. My GF was white

Well what seems great and workable at first diminishes over time as the problems emerge and overcome both parties(generally) . You both know best how much you guys love each other - i thought ours was invincible!

Family pressures are a massive thing!!!
You have one option of whether she is willing to leave her fam and almost everything like religion / how ever much she can and move out (but dont turn your back after this or cheat on her -it'll kill her (literally) or whether you convert (at your own will etc. there are similarities in these too religions (more than u think) - this will make both's life easier

I am not 100% sure on Islamic ruling but the male must be Muslim in this situation if she is to remain a Muslim.

That asides - we're in a free country. Just watch your back if you take her away as the retribution is death in most cases by the family (honour killing)

My family was lenient so i survived but we still broke up as it got too much.

I couldn't leave too much and she couldn't take up too much

Still have feelings for her .... although we cant even face each other now - the wounds are deep and its been years ....

Start by considering 'How much you guys love each other'
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Anonymous #1
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Report Thread starter 7 years ago
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(Original post by Secretnerd123)
Islam isn't a race. Is she Asian/African/Arab?
Sorry, asian
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feministgrrrl123
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#17
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(Original post by Anonymous)
I've made this anonymous as people know me on here. I am at uni and have developed a crush on a girl i work with at uni. We text and snapchat a lot! Pretty much constantly. And we are both single and often talk about things like who we think is hot and give each other advice on things. We have become very close and she is now one of my best friends. I want to take this to the next level and I have a feeling she does too (although, like everyone else, i have been wrong about this before!).

The problem is that she is a Muslim and I am white non-religious. She did say that she would be open to eventually marrying a white person and doesn't seem to be overly religious (i.e. doesn't wear the hiqab and has drank alcohol in the past)

I just wondered if anyone, particularly muslims, could give me advice on this as I'm not really sure what im letting myself in for.
In the Asian culture as a whole there are many people who will look down upon her probably for pursuing something with someone from a different background. However, I can also say that there will be others (maybe a minority) who are fine with it but at the end of the day people are going to talk whatever you do. If you both like each other then sit down and discuss this properly so you both know what you're letting yourselves in for like with any relationship. If differences were to occur later on would you both be able to overcome them? It will mostly be hard if her family isn't accepting, and if this is the case then you're going to have to be there for her, but if you guys are serious then it should hopefully work out. I'm so sorry I couldn't give better advice but wish you both well in the future
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Anonymous #5
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Don't even go there - save yourself the heart break.

I'm an Asian Muslim girl who dated a white Christian for over a YEAR, fell hopelessly in love and then had to break up w him b/c my family disapproved. I went into it blindly without thinking of the consequences. Before we got together we even discussed how it'd probably be a bad idea because we're diff religions but we just said we were being silly and should just see how things go first. What I realised was the fact that it wasn't just my family, even though I wasn't religious at all at the time (still not tbh) I realised when it comes to marriage I'd want someone the same religion as me b/c I'd want to raise my children as Muslims b/c I wouldn't want them to be confused b/w religions and have to pick.

All I can say is, if you date her and you guys break up, at the end of the day it'll hurt YOU more than it will hurt her only because most likely she'll pick her family over you. I picked my family over my ex and although I loved him (and still care for him) at least I had a reason to leave, whereas he was sort of left with nothing and just ended up being really bitter towards me and blamed me for getting with him in the first place when we didn't have a realistic future ahead of us.

I know it's hard to think about things objectively when you already like someone but honestly, if she has a family who are pretty cultural/Islamic then move on. x
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Sammi_K?
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#19
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#19
(Original post by Ignorant)
Gosh i just made a rant about this in a different post. Mate it would be great if everyone was as open minded as you and this girl you're on about but honestly it's a ****ing mess. People on TSR are generally smart and so they will give you positive feedback in saying you should go for it and that there's no problem.

It's a big deal in muslim/hindu/sikh culture if you get married to someone that is not the same color and caste and it can turn very bad in some cases. My uncle (sikh) was murdered by his wifes family members (she was muslim) naturally this is a somewhat rare case in the UK but it is more common in india/pakistan etc. What i can tell you for sure is that most people in our culture are ****ing idiots (my family included) because they will disrespect you for marrying out of the religion/caste.

It's going to be tough mate, there's going to be a lot of disagreement from her side but if you make it clear and the girl you're with is strong enough to fight her cause then you guys might end up together for real. I wish you luck my friend and hope you destroy this ****ty mindset that our culture has been instilled with.
Truer words have never been spoken
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AmyJ
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#20
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#20
(Original post by Anonymous)
Don't even go there - save yourself the heart break.

I'm an Asian Muslim girl who dated a white Christian for over a YEAR, fell hopelessly in love and then had to break up w him b/c my family disapproved. I went into it blindly without thinking of the consequences. Before we got together we even discussed how it'd probably be a bad idea because we're diff religions but we just said we were being silly and should just see how things go first. What I realised was the fact that it wasn't just my family, even though I wasn't religious at all at the time (still not tbh) I realised when it comes to marriage I'd want someone the same religion as me b/c I'd want to raise my children as Muslims b/c I wouldn't want them to be confused b/w religions and have to pick.

All I can say is, if you date her and you guys break up, at the end of the day it'll hurt YOU more than it will hurt her only because most likely she'll pick her family over you. I picked my family over my ex and although I loved him (and still care for him) at least I had a reason to leave, whereas he was sort of left with nothing and just ended up being really bitter towards me and blamed me for getting with him in the first place when we didn't have a realistic future ahead of us.

I know it's hard to think about things objectively when you already like someone but honestly, if she has a family who are pretty cultural/Islamic then move on. x
Why? Is this because of your own beliefs or pressure from your family? What's wrong with raising your (future) children to make intelligent, informed decisions of their own about their religious identity at an age when they are old enough to understand it, instead of planning their indoctrination into a religion already? "I'm raising them to be Muslim so they don't have to pick", I mean really... that comment just says absolutely everything about the nature of organised religion, and how you have to drill it in before people are old enough to reason so they can't see what a mountainous pile of nonsense it all is. :rolleyes:
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