The Student Room Group

Learn to love your body

Learn to Love your body

What’s wrong with the skin you’re in?


Why do so many women find it hard to see and accept ourselves as we actually are?

One of the effects of living in an intensely visual world, in which we see 3,000 ads a week portraying digitally enhanced (and decreased) women, is that our own eyes have become a critical lens. We don’t see ourselves as living, breathing bodies so much as body parts and surfaces that fail compared to the “perfect” body parts presented to us. We are bound not to have those kinds of bodies because no one does. As Claudia Schiffer famously said, “Even I don’t look like Claudia Schiffer.”
Looking good is really important to women today. It always has been, but in the olden days it was the reserve of the wealthy or the glamorous; for the rest of us it only mattered for a short period of our lives.
Now, the idea of beauty has become more democratic. We can all be beautiful, which slides into we should all be beautiful. And all the time – from the age of six to when we are old. Actually, old isn’t a category that is acceptable anymore. With the more democratic notion of beauty for all has come a vicious narrowing of the ideal of beauty, so that if one isn’t long and thin (and even if one is), as we are meant to be today, it is very easy to feel that one isn’t good enough. We now have the notion that our bodies can be fixed and changed and that there is something vaguely immoral if we don’t.

You’ve written that we give “fat” and “thin” emotional significance. How has that happened, and how can we get over those distorted values?
Fat today is defiantly demonised and thinness is seen as good, but, at an unconscious level, the position is far more complex. Projected onto thin (and fat) are sets of expectations, often including fantasies that are out of sync with whom the individual experiences herself to be. Thin, despite being a desired state can actually be very confusing. There is a worry about who “I might be” if I were thin…would I become all those longed-for things that go along with thin and, if so, how might I handle that?
A woman may see thin as meaning she will be sexual and desired, and this idea may make her uneasy because it is an aspect she wants for herself but can’t imagine comfortable being. Of course, none of these attributes literally relates to thinness, but they can be very powerful in fantasy and, unless they are understood or at least recognised, people can feel confused about why they can’t star at a weight that they imagine they want to be.
The useful thing is that if you recognise the positive aspects of “fat” and the scarier or more problematic aspects of “thin”, it becomes possible to detach them from actual body states. That means that the conflicts of longings associated with them can be addressed more directly.

Start to love your body- Wear clothes that are comfortable now, not at some date in the future.
- Treat yourself to a regular full-body massage. This may be difficult to do, depending on the level of hatred you feel about your body. Often, we ignore the parts of our bodies we don’t like, so allowing someone else to touch them with care and attention provides us with something we are often reluctant to give ourselves.
- When you look in the mirror, focus on the parts of your body that you like and ignore the parts you don’t. This is the opposite of what you would normally do, and is aimed at restoring a better balance in your visual assessment of yourself.
- Give yourself an orgasm and appreciate what your body can do.
- Give yourself the chance to use your body in a different way. Take up a new activity, perhaps something you have always wanted to do but haven’t because of how you feel about how you look.
- Stand in front of the mirror naked and look at your whole body, not just the parts you hate. Notice which parts of yourself you are looking at. Think about why those particular parts of you matter and why.
- Find a quiet space and find a comfortable position. Try and sense what your body feels like from the inside out. How do you feel? Considering our body from the inside out gives us another way of appreciating our complexity. We are more than our image in the mirror.
- Write a body diary. Write down all the different feeling you have about your body during the day and work out why you might be having them. This will help to create threads of connection between how you feel and how it affects how you see yourself in the mirror.
- Find a friend of a partner and draw each others naked bodies. The aim is not to produce a work of art but to learn to look at each other through different eyes.
- Write your bodies history down from birth to now, all that you remember of your physical illness, and all that you have been told. This will take time. You are more likely to like yourself by the end of it and to understand yourself better.

How to stop “fat” days- Looking in a mirror, describe yourself from head to toe using non-judgemental words – e.g., “my face is round, my skin is pale, my brows are dark…” This helps you understand the difference between your appearance (what you look like) and your body image (what you think you look like)
- Call a halt to appearance rituals; e.g., mirror checking; camouflaging yourself in baggy clothes; comparing yourself to others; asking for reassurance; dieting or over-exercising. Acknowledge they make you feel worse, not better.
- Question your self-defeating thoughts: do you magnify your flaws and minimise your good points; engage in all or nothing thinking (‘my bum is big so I must be gross&#8217:wink: or mind-reading (‘She’s looking at me and thinking my things are enormous&#8217:wink:? Ask yourself: Why else could they be looking at me?
- Getting back into situations you’ve been avoiding: if a fat day and a date collide, don’t back out. Tolerate the discomfort.
- Broaden your perspective in the way you see yourself: are you a good mother or cook; are you punctual; good at remembering trivia or gardening; do you have artistic ability; are you a reliable worker and a loyal friend? Recognising your own wide range of attributes will increase your self-esteem.

Sometimes we focus on our body when other things are really worrying us, and its hard to stop and think and feel. There are options. You might feel sad, upset or angry that you can’t look how you might like, but it’s possible that you are feeling these things about other people and things that are happening in your life. Be gentle with yourself. Your body has its limits but also its strengths – and that’s true for all of us, whatever shape we are.


Typed this up for another forum, but thoguht it was interesting.

Source - Psychologies
x x x

Scroll to see replies

Reply 1
'- Find a friend of a partner and draw each others naked bodies. The aim is not to produce a work of art but to learn to look at each other through different eyes'

Interesting is one word...
Reply 2
Lol - I wasn't sure about that. But thought that I'd write it up - some people may like it.
Reply 3
That's interesting, thanks:smile: .
Reply 4
I think its awful. 'Stop trying to improve yourself and accept being crap in order to make yourself feel happy'. If I get THAT desperate for happiness I'll go down the heroin route.
Reply 5
You're only bitter because I proved that you contradicted yourself in t'other thread.

And actually - in a society where eating disorders are on the rise and people are subject to hundreds upon hundreds of airbrushed images, its only fair that people should accept themselves as they are - and aim to be the best that they can be, rather than aiming for top dog.
Reply 6
I think you'll find I have responded on the other thread, and you havent at all proved that I contradicted myself. Go read it again. And no, accepting less than perfection in order to make yourself happier is not in any way a good thing. It stops you being perfect, or stops you getting closer.
Reply 7
There were some good pieces of advice in there.

As for person above- the problem is that nothing can ever be perfect so you would never accept yourself as being okay and that can drive people to extreme lengths or never being happy. I think I'd rather be happy than not however disillusioned I might be (or 'not perfect').
Reply 8
allymcb2
I think you'll find I have responded on the other thread, and you havent at all proved that I contradicted myself. Go read it again. And no, accepting less than perfection in order to make yourself happier is not in any way a good thing. It stops you being perfect, or stops you getting closer.


Its so funny, you're constantly fighting to be perfect - you're only going to get disappointed.
Nothing is perfect, you will never, ever be perfect, quite frankly.

You're after the perfect love, the perfect person - its not gonna happen. Its people like you (well, people who admire the "perfect" Disney story) who end up with abusive partners.

Thats the whole thing - this thread is accepting that you are perfect within your own right - but perfection, if such a thing exists, changes from person to person. For one person, their "perfect weight" could leave them with a BMI of 19. For another, it could be 24. But in this society, the majority of people tend to think that perfection follows the media, and this is about accepting your own limitations, rather than aspiring to be the best person in the world - which won't happen.
Reply 9
Everyone should aspire to be the best person in the world. One person has to achieve it. What matters is that it is pursued. That you compare yourself to the ideal and that you pursue the ideal. Accepting yourself and your life as it is gets in the way of this.
Reply 10
And for the record, I do not believe life should be a disney story.
The initial post far too new age-ism for me, big no no. And it sounds all too self-deluded stuff really. I wouldn't agree with the 'accept who you are, embrace yourself' when unhappy with looks, personality et cetera, when you feel down about yourself the best thing is surely to be pro-active rather than being self-deceitful, deluding oneself with this "look in the mirror, you are beautiful..." *******s...
Your phrase 'what's wrong with the skin your in?' reminded me of the Oil of Olay advert i always thought if they loved the skin they were in they wouldn't bother using oil of Olay in the first place would they?
Reply 13
What the hell is it talking about when you look in a mirror you see what you see and thats it, why do you focus on the faults? Cause they are faults in your eyes that, that rarely changes and what on earth has a massage got to do with it
Reply 14
allymcb2
Everyone should aspire to be the best person in the world. One person has to achieve it. What matters is that it is pursued. That you compare yourself to the ideal and that you pursue the ideal. Accepting yourself and your life as it is gets in the way of this.

Why the HELL should everyone aspire to be the best person in the world if only one person gets there? Thats like comparing people to sperm.
So, just because one person reaches that "perfection" mark, the other 6 billion people go disappointed, just so that one person can get there.

Also - what is your idea of "ideal"? My vision is probably completly different to yours - so what is the right "ideal"? Can you downright say that there is one "right" way to go?
You're not Jewish, are you?


allymcb2
And for the record, I do not believe life should be a Disney Story

Indeed not - but you said yourself in the other thread that you believe in one true love.
That is the basic story of Disney Films. And that is the idea that leads to staying with abusive partners.
Reply 15
I never see any faults when I look in the mirror.

Wait, that sounded really vain...

What I mean is, I just assume that I'm fairly average-looking and leave it at that. I shave, I shower daily, I keep my hair tidy and I use spot cream, but I don't really worry about my appearance. This is a different approach to the whole 'love your body' thing, I suppose, but it works for me. Don't know if that helps anyone, it's quite a manly approach.

- Yorkie.
Reply 16
horrorboy
What the hell is it talking about when you look in a mirror you see what you see and thats it, why do you focus on the faults? Cause they are faults in your eyes that, that rarely changes and what on earth has a massage got to do with it


Some people (myself included) hate the idea of massages - because its letting someone touch your body and...ew.

Its breaking out of negative cognitive cycle - one of the most basic things that psychs use when treating eating disorders.
Reply 17
No, searching for one true love does not mean staying in an abusive relationship. And the disney story misses out the part where life, relationships and coming closer and closer to perfection each day is in fact hard work.

Yes, but if you look in the mirror and dont think you look perfect, clearly you havent reached your ideal have you? Which means you need to try a bit harder, and then a bit harder etc.
Reply 18
allymcb2
No, searching for one true love does not mean staying in an abusive relationship. And the disney story misses out the part where life, relationships and coming closer and closer to perfection each day is in fact hard work.

Yes, but if you look in the mirror and dont think you look perfect, clearly you havent reached your ideal have you? Which means you need to try a bit harder, and then a bit harder etc.


So you think its possible for everyone to reach there ideal? How about things that you can't change like height and breast size with girls etc.
Reply 19
But you look in the mirror and see no faults - whats to say that you won't become extremly self-centred as a result. Putting yourself on a pedastal, since you cannot notice your faults.

Is that then perfection? Is that the ideal?