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An Ex Issue watch

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    #1

    I wouldn't even call it an issue since we haven't had the desire to talk to each other. But for some reason, it has been kinda bothering me.

    I was in a relationship for six years, the latter two years we were engaged and it ended with a email from her breaking up with me. We never had any real contact since, aside from emails and phone calls. I didn't take it so well and well... I exasperate the situation. That resulted in us two being on very bad terms.

    I enrolled in university, which is the same university as her. My reasons were because it's a great university for the course I wanted to do. At the time, having her in close distance was a cherry on top. Without her being factored, I still wanted to go. The university is so wonderful and so is the city.

    I slowly gotten over her and... well, I completely forgot about her. Her face. Her personality. Maybe my way of getting over her is to completely lock her away into a box in my head. And I focused on myself, what I wanted to do and what made me happy. It worked remarkably well.

    My course started out great. I already have some work experience in a couple of weeks. Hell, today, I'm a course rep. I made so many wonderful friends. I mean, things have been near-perfect, with a couple of down moments. Then all of a sudden...

    I saw my ex. And for the first time since ever, I remembered her. I remember her personality. I remembered everything. And yet, I was just... emotionless. She didn't see me, I didn't want to go up to her to strike up a conversation. I moved on, went back home and I forgot about it.

    Today, I was talking with my friend and then I decided to mention I saw her yesterday. He asked me how it feels. And I said I felt nothing, just that the whole situation was just surreal.

    He said something along the lines of "I don't blame you. You were left without any closure"

    And then it struck me. I didn't have any proper closure. All that happened was she explained in half-assed way why it didn't work. We never really had a proper discussion and she didn't want to say anything more. It just... ended abruptly. It didn't bother me right until he said it.

    I know I will never have closure on the subject. Well, not an informed closure. Because I realise that regardless, the world has moved on. She probably has moved on. And I have.

    Yet weirdly enough, I kinda still care about her. Not in a "I love her" kind of way. But I cared enough that I am still kinda concerned about her. What struck me about being concerned is that when I was browsing on 4chan one time and this was a while ago. I noticed a bunch of tumblr's links with the topic being "Whiny first world problems". I read through it because why not?

    Her tumblr account came up and it tempted me, so I checked it out. And well, even though it's what she puts up, but it strikes me as she's worse off than before... and she was bullied by a lot of anonymous harasser. I thought to myself "It's not my concern", yet I made a long post under the anonymity and saying that she "needs to pick herself up and be awesome"

    My concern for her doesn't make me check out her tumblr regularly or try to contact her in any way possible. After all, it shouldn't be my problem. I should be focusing on myself, yet those two moments affected me. And it should not. But... have I moved on truly or am I in denial mode at this point, shutting off any emotions I have?
    • PS Reviewer
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    PS Reviewer
    Just because you're a good person, doesn't mean you're not over her.

    I was in a relationship for six years myself, flew to New York to propose to her, only for her to admit that she had been cheating on me for months. Needless to say, I never got closure after that relationship ended and I was devastated for ages. Today, I'm over her. It took me a good 10 months! But if I saw her, just generally, or witnessed her being harassed or something, I would feel affected too!

    A break up doesn't erase six years of history. It doesn't erase the laughter, the sex, the fights, the dates, fun times, the sad times, the parties and moments. Those six years aren't just going to disappear and just because your relationship ended, it doesn't mean that you have to pretend that those six years never happened. Maybe you locked it all away in the beginning because you wanted to be over her, but now that you're in a much better place, there is no harm in remembering the good times (however many or few there may have been) with a certain amount of fondness and nostalgia. You had a relationship for six years, mate! That's something! Regardless of how it turned out, six years of your life with someone, it played a role in making you who you are today.

    I think if you accepted that, you might be able to get the closure you need.

    Arrowhead.
    • Section Leader
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    No you're just being a good person is all. I can somewhat understand how you feel. My ex was diagnosed with depression (For a variety of reasons) and we kept things strong for her sake to get her through it. We kept things going, and eventually broke up, but remained in contact and as best friends.

    After a while she just out of the blue says we're not calling again, she wants nothing to do with me, and cut off all contact (Got a new boyfriend ~_~), and we haven't spoken since. I visited a forum we both used to frequent, turns out she's sunk back into depression, pulled out of her new academy etc.

    And I do feel some concern as you say. But at the same time, I think just as you think, 'It's not really my concern anymore'.

    As above, that fact you were together for so long plays a role in determining who you are today. You aren't in denial, you just know that there will always be some part that cares for your ex (I should think so, after 6 years and an engagement together). Perhaps not any romantic feelings/that level of care, but still some all the same. I think once you see it like that...well it gave me closure. There's no reason why it can't for you too.

    All the best for this mate
 
 
 
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