What's worse, friendzoned or dumped?

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Very interesting the diversity of opinion on this. Surely, for a very serious relationship (long or even engagement) being dumped must be worse. But the discussion shows the depth of angst which can be linked to unrequited love!

Reply 21

Kvothe the Arcane

Original post by Zarek

Strangely, for me, although being dumped by a loved partner is a very hurtful thing, it is better than the rejection of someone not wanting to start a relationship..

Well I don't think being 'friendzoned' is a bad thing. So dumped, I guess.

Reply 22

Future African game vet

Dumped.

If you are friend-zoned then there was nothing ever really there, its sad to have to let go of all your daydreams about the person, but when when you actively love someone and think about your future with them, know their family, their friends, want to make them happy above all else and they suddenly turn round and tell you that you have failed to impress them/love them/ entertain them/ captivate them enough for them to want to stay with you - it absolutely destroys you for a very long time.

Reply 23

Zarek

Original post by Future African game vet

You make a very fair point..

Reply 24

Maid Marian

Friendzoned. :frown:

Cos you'd never know if it would have worked!

Reply 25

Millie228

Of course being dumped is worse. You've invested time with a person and you're involved.

The only reason you find friendzone worse is because you have willingly invested the time. Being rejected SHOULD be easier than being dumped. Rejection is a part of life. Men who are successful with women approach many women. Men who get "friendzoned" are men who never make a move, but hangs around her feet waiting for something to happen (or to change her mind if they have tried something). If you make a move and get rejected you have limited investment in the woman and it won't be such a waste of time.

(edited 10 years ago)

Reply 26

Future African game vet

Original post by Zarek

You make a very fair point..

yes.... yes I do :redface:

Reply 27

Anonymous #1

I'd say in most cases being dumped is worse. However being 'friendzoned' or whatever you want to call that when the other person has actively flirted with you + more can be just as hard.

Reply 28

Arketec

Original post by Zarek

Strangely, for me, although being dumped by a loved partner is a very hurtful thing, it is better than the rejection of someone not wanting to start a relationship..

Being friendzoned I had to put up with this until one of my mates went out with her. My gut still twists with sharp pains of jealous agony to this day. Suffice to say neither of them are my friends now. Funny thing is looking back I got together at a rave with one of her mates, which kind of makes it ok because I'll never forget her-she was a godess. BUT! I'll also never forget the betrayal of the witch.

Reply 29

Zarek

Original post by Maid Marian

Friendzoned. :frown:

Cos you'd never know if it would have worked!

Mind you, you know it hasn't worked!

Reply 30

Robbie242

Friendzoned

If I got put in the Friendzone I would jump out immediately

Reply 31

Zarek

Original post by Millie228

Think this is a bit simplistic. I have had significant friendzone pain once, and wouldn't categorise myself as exactly the low achiever you describe. The situation usually develops from a good friendship which, for one party, the natural development is a relationship. Agree it is something you tend to avoid with experience.

(edited 10 years ago)

Reply 32

Millie228

Original post by Zarek

You need to stop trying to morph a friendship into a relationship. Every guy I have ever fancied and ended up dating has asked me out - from the start. On a date. If he starts as a friend, that's what he is. A relationship is not a "natural progression". It's a rare exemption.

Reply 33

ilem

Original post by Millie228

Just about every girl I have ever fancied and asked out/ended up dating was a friend at the start who I gradually became attracted to. I didn't even find them attractive until I got to know them.

Reply 34

Millie228

Original post by ilem

Just about every girl I have ever fancied and asked out/ended up dating was a friend at the start who I gradually became attracted to. I didn't even find them attractive until I got to know them.

That's an exception - most men are visual and know if they find a girl attractive. Her attitude, body language, personality and nature are all pretty clear from the start. All the guys I know go for it because they know from the start whether they're interested in the girl. And in return girls will expect a (confident and secure) guy who fancy them to do something about it - hanging out with her in a platonic way for ages will usually display either disinterest or lack of confidence. I'm not saying this in terms of how it should be or what could potentially be possible, but rather how it mostly is.

Even if this the case for you, it is a rare case and it is also one guys shouldn't rely on. Especially if they have been in the friendzone before. A lot of guys - especially young ones - need to learn how to set a flirtatious tone early on and simply ask a girl out.
The other factor is time and investment. Out of many women out there, a smaller segment will be attractive to him. A smaller segment of those is attracted to him as well. As many as possible of those should he ask out, some will say yes and out of those again only a few will be relationship material. This all depends on how selective a man can afford to be, but dating is simply narrowing down those 100 people, if not more, down to the right one. By developing friendships with women you're investing a lot of time and energy in something that is possibly (or usually) a dead end. Add into this that most of those women will see you as a friend, you see that it's statistically not a very viable strategy for finding the right person. It's basically just winding up with the one girl who happen to like you, not the ones you really want.

I'm not British and I don't mean this an offense to the country (that I am otherwise fond of living in) but a lot of British guys have a lot to work on in terms of flirting and talking to girls in a confident way. That is the root of the problem starting many threads on here.

(edited 10 years ago)

Reply 35

joker12345

Original post by buchanan700

This. The friendzone is just a lame way of whining from guys/girls who stupidly went in to a friendship expecting more, then victimising the girl/guy for *shock* expecting the love they have been or are showing to be...innocent gestures of friendship. It hurts the person being asked you know, as they feel awful for hurting you, and makes them feel like you're only after one thing...

Deeper feelings often develop from a friendship. In fact, I'd say it's a great basis for a relationship as you know the person so your feelings did them come from more than just looks.

Reply 36

joker12345

Original post by Millie228

Real feelings can develop from getting to know a person. There a million people I'd find attractive but a rare few I'd want a relationship with.
Plus, all my relationships have started as friendships, I think they are a natural progression but obviously you look for the attraction first and then expect the connection whereas I look at it the other way round.

Reply 37

SuziieB

Original post by buchanan700

I agreed with your entire post up until you said, "after one thing". Maybe I'm just being optimistic, but I don't think that most people get into relationships just for sex.

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Reply 38

SuziieB

Original post by Millie228

I'd be more likely to go out with a guy if I knew him as a friend first tbh. Going out with complete strangers doesn't always appeal to me.

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Reply 39

Millie228

Original post by SuziieB

I'd be more likely to go out with a guy if I knew him as a friend first tbh. Going out with complete strangers doesn't always appeal to me.

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There is a difference between being a teenager and adult life. When you're grown up, most people meet, feel an attraction and start dating. I'm just saying that these guys should prepare for the real life of dating. That includes being able to approach a woman in a bar.
Besides, as I've emphasized again and again - even if going from a friendship to a relationship occasionally works, it does also often lead to friendzone (which these guys have an experience with) and is a huge time waster.
They've already tried being a friend first and it doesn't work. So a smart person will reconsider.