Messed things up but trying to rebuild myself - how can I show her?

A month and a bit ago, I messed up big with my girlfriend. To put things simply, I managed to completely, utterly turn her friends and family against me.

I did this by upsetting one friend in particular in a big, big way (prank-calling) that resulted in the police getting involved. I don't want to go into the ins and outs of it, but I am a very...obsessive person (as in once I start a behaviour, I keep doing it - obsessions with programmes like Lost and pro-wrestling, obsessions with web design: sometimes it is productive but other times like this, it is a problem). That makes it sound very bad and it is, it was a horrible thing to do, but during this behaviour, I don't think it's a bad thing, it's just 'something to do'.

When the police contacted me, I told my girlfriend the next day. She rightfully said that we shouldn't see each other anymore but we could write a little (she needed answers, obviously) and I could text her to let her know what was going on.

After me seeing the massive big picture of what I'd done and wrote her a letter answering her questions and saying, honestly, how much I hated myself, she agreed to see me less than a week later, just to talk about things, she was willing to help.

I decided to seek therapy to control my compulsivity and to basically become a better person because I hated the person that I used to be.

Obviously she is an amazing girl, just for actually not cutting loose and being angry and indignant and attempting to help me, and we saw each other a lot until the start of June (even tentatively trying to work out how it could work), but then she decided that because her friends and family were rightfully so much against the idea of us knowing each other (that and she didn't want to keep her boyfriend and mates separated from each other by not inviting me to parties, etc) that we needed a proper break and I would only tell her what was going on with the police in objective texts.

Which happened, but then it sunk back into flirty texts and deep and meaningful conversations with little anecdotes about our lives, just like before, even though we weren't actually meeting. We were going to meet this Tuesday but then, last Tuesday, after having a long chat with her mate in question, she decided that her head was still ****ed up and reeling from everything and that we need a complete, utter lack of each other, just to get over everything.

I know it is all that I deserve for being such an arsehole to everyone, but I am starting to already become the better person, channelling the compulsions into productiveness and am due to actually start proper therapy soon. She says that us as boyfriend and girlfriend is over but once she is over stuff, she doesn't think she'd have a problem knowing me...so yeah, basically my point is, should I, if I receive a caution, email her to ask if I can write a letter to all of her mates (I already wrote one to her mum and family a few weeks ago) to basically apologise and explain how I am changing, not to get her back but obviously a little part of me is hoping this - if they know how much I am changing for the good, maybe they won't be so worried for my ex to know me?

Has anything like this happened to you? Not anything so major, just your mate split up with their bf/gf and you were against them reuniting in any capacity? What did/would have changed your mind? Has one of your mates bf/gf upset you in a major way? Etc.

Reply 1

generalebriety

Blah... prank calling isn't really that serious. If nothing else this whole situation has probably grown more serious by the fact that you keep flirting with each other and your therapy. Continue with the therapy, but keep quiet about it, and stop flirting - even if she does, laugh it off and move on. Or ignore that particular text and text her back (not coldly) when there's some news. Give her space, to be clichéd. :smile:

She clearly still likes you in some way and is just scared of her family and friends not accepting you. This doesn't mean you'll necessarily get back together but you have more chance of being accepted if you leave her alone for a bit.

Also, don't write letters to her friends, they may not be as accepting. Trust me, saying "I'm getting therapy" is a definite way of making most people think you're a freak. It's happened to people I've known - they've had weird personality 'disorders' and have got therapy for it and mostly because of the way they constantly went on about it (and weren't really changing) a lot of my friends have had to abandon a lot of my other friends, and I'm caught in the middle of a lot of it. It's nasty... just leave it, at least for now.

Reply 2

Bubblebee

Woah, messed up.

Take it slow is all I can say. Focus on your own progress before trying to rebuild the relationship. If you know what I mean....

Reply 3

Indus1986

Whoa like duuuuudeee, thats ****ing A, high five for the mondo pranks. But seriously you are an idiot and I don't think you needed me to tell you that but i'm still going to say it again... idiot.

Reply 4

sam_sam

I hate to discourage your enthusiasm, but a letter isn't gonna sort everything out with her friends, cos it seems you've pissed them off majorly (with more than a few prank calls i'm sure). they may only be able to accept you as a new person if they see a gradual change in your character, perhaps through hearing of your reforms from mutual aquantances or something. don't push things too much with her or her friends, wait till you've had some therapy maybe.

but if you're going to go through with letters, don't be too surprised if the responses are less than enthusiastic. if one of my friends boyfrieds had done smth similar, i'd want to protect her from any furute upset by avoiding all contact with the guy.

just some thoughts, but the main thing is for you to focus on your progress, if you focus less on her, you can lose your obsessive tendancies and become (as you said) a better person.

best of luck sam xxx

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