I feel like I'm at crisis point. I'm at the end of my A2 exams and today they went disastrously. After weeks and weeks of endless work my brain's gone into meltdown. I even failed to read even the most simplest of tasks: instead of underlining multiple choice I circled it; I failed to read and answer questions and I so DESPERATELY want to be a success that I'm trying way too hard and ending up in despair when my exams aren't the 'perfect' success I want them to be. There's always something else to write; some other angle I could have approached it from and I constantly berate myself for what I failed to do. I got 6 As at AS but it was a fluke. I didn't revise half as hard as I have done this year. I'm sick of the pressure of trying to match up to myself last year. If that wasn't bad enough, I have grade 7 piano on Friday and I've neglected my scales. I just feel so tired and so stressed; my head feels like it's filled with sand. I've done so much work and through being so utterly STUPID in my exams I've tossed it all away.
I had my last music lessons that I will have for 4 years on Saturday and I felt nothing. I just felt numb. I know that I do really feel something underneath but that I'm surpressing it by doing so much work; it's too painful to deal with. I don't even want to go on holiday this year because then I'll have to deal with my inadequacies. I got a rejection from Oxford this year and to be honest it's affected me more than I'd like to admit. I feel like a failure. I've always been really competitive and it's what's motivated me but as a result it was a really hard knock, particularly when everyone else close to me got offers from where they wanted to go.
I know I'm really lucky to get an offer from Durham, but I have no love for it. To be honest, I hated the open day, although when anyone asks I always say 'oh, yeah, Durham, I'm really excited'. I just question what it's worth- I don't have the energy to toil through another 4 years but I don't have the confidence to get a job or take a gap year. I'm sick of feeling so lost. I'm sick of feeling like I'm a burden on my family- my mother is facing financial hardship next year and what am I doing? Going to Uni- how SELFISH is that?? My mum encourages me to go but I just have no enthusiasm for it, although I don't know if this is fear motivated by the Oxford rejection- I don't want to get attached to it so that I feel really disappointed when I get the grades.
I just feel really lost and like I'm the only one who's not going 'Yay, uni!!' I feel like I'd be an outcast, like I'd be inadequate and that I will be the poorest student there (my family's on £8000 a year. We're on benefits because my brother's autistic and my mum's a carer). I feel so out of my depth and I know change is good, but it's so difficult to deal with all these changes: leaving 6th form, leaving home, my singing teacher's left, I've leaving music behind for 4 years until I can afford to have lessons again.
I so desperately want to make something of myself. I want to make my mother proud- I know my mother will love me no matter who I am and she's great: really liberal and tolerant, and it's my OWN perfectionism that makes me want to make my family proud. I feel like if I don't get at least 3As I can never look my family in the face again. I feel suicidal.