The Student Room Group

i think my mum is depressed and i dont know what to do

I'm really worried about my mum. Earlier I was looking for a piece of paper to write some stuff on and I found a notepad on her bed. I didnt think anything of it, but when I opened it, there was loads of writing in it. I read a bit of it and it was like a diary she'd written, saying how she feels ugly and worthless, how her marriage is dead and how she doesnt feel like going out anywhere or doing anything new because she thinks she'd be rubbish at everything she tries. This made me upset and I know she wants to train as a hospital worker (like doing x rays or something) but shes always putting it off and now I know why. I stopped reading as I felt guilty but now I'm so worried about her.

It doesnt really come as a surprise coz over the years shes really changed. She doesnt have a job anymore, shes obsessed with housework, she doesnt take care of her appearance - she just cant be bothered, and all she seems to do is stay in all the time to look after my mentally disabled brother. I feel awful for her. My dad doesnt really talk to her as he works all day and is a bit cold to all of us, and if I'm honest, I'm the only one she has to talk to. I'll be leaving in September to go to uni and I want to make her life better before I go but I really dont know what to do.

Ive tried talking to her, and asking if shes depressed. I suggested going to the dr but she just said it was ridiculous and theres nothing wrong. I always try to invite her out and buy her presents but she never wants to go. She has a sister who just seems to put her down all the time (she makes fun of her coz she doesnt drive anymore, and always tries to rub in the fact that all her children are grown up and she doesnt have any responsibility), and she never offers to help her with my brother even though she knows it'd give my mum a bit of relief. My mum has no friends and most of her family are either out of contact or dead.

I hate knowing shes so unhappy, and I dont know what I can do. She just doesnt seem to want to change anything though. Does anyone have any advice as to what I can do to help sort her life out?
Reply 1
That sounds so sad. I feel sorry about your mum, and your aunt doesn't exactly sound like the understanding one.
It's nice to see you try but I'm afraid I don't know anything else to suggest than talk to her more. Like you could go for a walk with her (and your brother if necessary) and talk to her about yourself and maybe she'll talk to you about herself as well.
She needs to know it's okay for her to go out and make friends, perhaps an art exhibtion or group nature walks or sth where you can get to know people that share interests. She could take your dad as well as they are drifting apart, it might work.
Hey

I've being dealing with my mums depression on my own for nearly 5 years now. Its really hard. Ultimately I know that she will always be depressed, it comes and goes. Like you I found a journal of my mums just on Sunday night. She has many problems (childhood etc.). It said she wanted to kill herself. To me that wasn't a shock as she has being saying that for so long now. I hope I dont seem hard-hearted but when you deal with something for so long you kind of come to resilient to that kind of talk.

Mostly depression stems from an unhappy childhood, causing you to have a negative outlook on the rest of your life and more susceptible to stress which is also a trigger of depression. All you can do is help your mum out as muchh as you can, tell her that you love her, give her compliments, reassure her that when you go to uni its not the end of your relationship. One thing to remember is that its not your fault. Be strong for you mum so you can help her out and don't get down about it yourself. One thing I have learnt from my mum having depression is to be grateful that I have had a happy childhood.
It's terrifying and terrible when someone you love is feeling like that, and ultimately there isn't all that much you can do to 'make it better', as far as a quick fix goes. For me, I found it particularly difficult because I'm basically an optimist, and I found it very hard to understand and empathise with feeling that way.

I'm not so sure there's really very much you can 'do' - except to be there for her, let you know you love her, compliment her and encourage her, and talk to her. If you think she might be suicidal you need to talk to someone. Otherwise I'd say, keep doing what you're doing and hope that it will improve - it may seem like there's no way for her out of it, but these things can and do change for the better.

Look after yourself - especially if you have exams at the moment. And feel free to PM me if you want to chat at all.
Reply 4
I'm sorry to hear all that. Hmm, perhaps before you leave for uni, you could help her around the house and with your brother and by doing that, you can tell her to relax more and get some rest. Tell her she should go out more, and could try spending more time with her to help cheer her up. Seems like you're the only one there for her, so do your best to make her feel happy.

Don't force her to see the doctor but if you could find a way to encourage her to go, then it's probably the best solution. She just needs someone to be there alongside with her and your dad doesn't seem to care much even though he could also be stressed out about other things.

Have you tried talking to your friends and asking them if they've ever been in this sort of situation before? Friends are usually the best people to give advice since they know you better. They can probably lend a helping hand and find a way to sort your mum's problem out too. Who knows unless you try.