Am I his **** buddy or girlfriend?!
Please keep anon as I'm pretty sure he goes on here... I'm going a bit crazy wondering about this so would appreciate any honest thoughts!
I've been seeing a guy who is fun, sexy, exciting - he wants to be an actor, is auditioning for drama schools while working in retail and doing amateur plays (he's just finishing up one he's been rehearsing for the last 2 months.) Everything was great for the first month as we were in a play together, but since that time (the last 2 1/2 months) we only see each other on weekend night/s, we have only spent a couple of full days together, and we only sometimes see each other mid-week (we both work). That probably all sounds fine for a 3 1/2 month relationship, but we've literally been "out" on date type things, ONCE (we went to the theatre just under 2 months ago). We have had coffee/drinks a couple of times, dinner once, but it is always a precursor to going back to his/mine and talking or watching a film then having sex and sleeping.
He is always saying he is very busy with the play he has been doing, but after 2 months I don't know if I should just be OK with the crumbs of late evenings and not even any dates or fun. He often says stuff at the beginning of a week/2 week period like "I won't be able to see you that much because of ____" and says he's only telling me that so I know that he hates it, but I feel like he wouldn't be so negative and might take initiative to make our time special or plan something for after the busy time, if that was the case. I work full time in a demanding professional job and am also rehearsing for a play, gym every day, and seeing friends- but I never feel I couldnt make time for him. I miss him! I once turned up to see him after his rehearsal as a surprise and he was genuinely quite angry as he was too "tired". And though it's as easy/quick for him to come to mine after his play, he often says he's too tired and needs to be "sensible" by going home, but then I might see he is on Facebook at about 4am. It all seems to be on his terms, when he wants.
He says he hasn't had a relationship in 5 years and hasn't felt so strongly about anyone as me since then, but wants to take it slow and not "act too intense" about me, ie. he said he wouldn't just come and see me on a whim because it would be too intense. That didn't sound great to me! Can't work out if he is a player or not and I hate it. I have always dated straightforward non-game-playing guys who are happy to make plans and don't fear "intensity" (not that I think what I've accepted from him has been intense at all!)
I've realised he never makes any special plans for us and I just hate feeling like we don't get quality time together to get to know each other. His play is ending but I can't see things magically changing - while he says he feels really good about us, there isn't much effort beyond getting us together for chat and sex, and he hasn't made any effort beyond that yet. I am worried I'm convenient and a FWB - we haven't had the "Bf/gf" talk, it's not Facebook official, I havent met any of his friends and he hasn't offered to set that up. He has referred to what we have as a "relationship"- but aren't relationships about more than just talking, texting, and sex a couple of times a week with no quality time? UGH I sound dense! I got a bit driunk and raised this with him the other night and he said I was being needy and he hated having to "prove" he liked me.. but the proof so far has just been in the short times we see each other which aren't enough for me anymore.
Any thoughts? especially guys?
I've been seeing a guy who is fun, sexy, exciting - he wants to be an actor, is auditioning for drama schools while working in retail and doing amateur plays (he's just finishing up one he's been rehearsing for the last 2 months.) Everything was great for the first month as we were in a play together, but since that time (the last 2 1/2 months) we only see each other on weekend night/s, we have only spent a couple of full days together, and we only sometimes see each other mid-week (we both work). That probably all sounds fine for a 3 1/2 month relationship, but we've literally been "out" on date type things, ONCE (we went to the theatre just under 2 months ago). We have had coffee/drinks a couple of times, dinner once, but it is always a precursor to going back to his/mine and talking or watching a film then having sex and sleeping.
He is always saying he is very busy with the play he has been doing, but after 2 months I don't know if I should just be OK with the crumbs of late evenings and not even any dates or fun. He often says stuff at the beginning of a week/2 week period like "I won't be able to see you that much because of ____" and says he's only telling me that so I know that he hates it, but I feel like he wouldn't be so negative and might take initiative to make our time special or plan something for after the busy time, if that was the case. I work full time in a demanding professional job and am also rehearsing for a play, gym every day, and seeing friends- but I never feel I couldnt make time for him. I miss him! I once turned up to see him after his rehearsal as a surprise and he was genuinely quite angry as he was too "tired". And though it's as easy/quick for him to come to mine after his play, he often says he's too tired and needs to be "sensible" by going home, but then I might see he is on Facebook at about 4am. It all seems to be on his terms, when he wants.
He says he hasn't had a relationship in 5 years and hasn't felt so strongly about anyone as me since then, but wants to take it slow and not "act too intense" about me, ie. he said he wouldn't just come and see me on a whim because it would be too intense. That didn't sound great to me! Can't work out if he is a player or not and I hate it. I have always dated straightforward non-game-playing guys who are happy to make plans and don't fear "intensity" (not that I think what I've accepted from him has been intense at all!)
I've realised he never makes any special plans for us and I just hate feeling like we don't get quality time together to get to know each other. His play is ending but I can't see things magically changing - while he says he feels really good about us, there isn't much effort beyond getting us together for chat and sex, and he hasn't made any effort beyond that yet. I am worried I'm convenient and a FWB - we haven't had the "Bf/gf" talk, it's not Facebook official, I havent met any of his friends and he hasn't offered to set that up. He has referred to what we have as a "relationship"- but aren't relationships about more than just talking, texting, and sex a couple of times a week with no quality time? UGH I sound dense! I got a bit driunk and raised this with him the other night and he said I was being needy and he hated having to "prove" he liked me.. but the proof so far has just been in the short times we see each other which aren't enough for me anymore.
Any thoughts? especially guys?
Firstly, I can completely see why you'd be upset by this.
However...
It sounds like you're both very busy people, he isn't used to having a girlfriend clearly and so he may not understand that you expect so much from him. What you need to take into consideration is that not all guys are the fairytale you were expecting and he may not be able to afford to take you out.
If you're worried about being used for sex, simply don't have sex one night when you go round and see if he still acts interested and happy to be with you anyway. Hopefully you'll see that isn't why he's with you.
Also, you mentioned surprising him when he wasn't meant to be seeing you- why don't you make the effort when you are? have a date-night when you're just at home. cook, get the candles out, make it a romantic set-up rather than just Tv, sex, sleep.
Hope this helps x
However...
It sounds like you're both very busy people, he isn't used to having a girlfriend clearly and so he may not understand that you expect so much from him. What you need to take into consideration is that not all guys are the fairytale you were expecting and he may not be able to afford to take you out.
If you're worried about being used for sex, simply don't have sex one night when you go round and see if he still acts interested and happy to be with you anyway. Hopefully you'll see that isn't why he's with you.
Also, you mentioned surprising him when he wasn't meant to be seeing you- why don't you make the effort when you are? have a date-night when you're just at home. cook, get the candles out, make it a romantic set-up rather than just Tv, sex, sleep.
Hope this helps x
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