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Can you mark my GCSE English Language answer please?

This is a Q6 answer worth 24 marks, it would be great if you gave me an honest answer! Thankyou! (AQA)


16 marks are for communication and organisation of ideas.
8 marks are for structure, spelling, punctuation, grammar and vocabulary.



Q6: it has been said that : "people who save lives or help improve the lives of others are the true role models of today."

write an article for a newspaper in which you argue your view about what makes a good role model.


A:

Heroic. Admirable. Assiduous. Three words which I'd like to use to describe people who save and help the lives of others.

It's hard work helping people, but could you imagine how satisfied you'd feel if your heroic actions were the reason somebody else was still alive? You'd feel on top of the world!

People always get a chance in the spotlight, to be a hero, but there are some people who choose to do the job and stay out of the spotlight. People like my super smart surgeon Dr. Roberts; who is the reason why my heart still beats. You see, I myself took a heart attack last year. One of my coronary arteries were blocked. Don't ask why. Don't ask how. I've always had a healthy diet, and did a bit of jogging every week. Dr. Roberts had to quickly clear the blockage using an endoscope- key-hole surgery. Lucky for me I live 10 miles from the city Hospital and the ambulance came minutes after my major heart attack. Dr. Roberts operated on me immediately, and within an hour, I was as fit as a fiddle.

Dr. Roberts is my hero. My role model. He is a true role model in this society, where money-obsessed Hollywood 'stars' are labelled as 'role models' and 'people we should look up to.' Why is this? These attention-seeking scumbags are robbing the real heroes! When was the last time you read an article about a brave fireman who risked his life to save a vulnerable child from a house fire? Maybe a year ago, maybe never. When was the last time you heard a story about a celebrity giving a small fraction of their earnings to a charity that they obviously never heard nor care about? Likely in the last week or sooner!

what makes a good role model? Somebody who does a selfless act of goodwill or risks their lives to help another. That's a real role model! Helping people in the smallest ways like carrying their bags or giving them a helping hand with something that you don't benefit from is what I call being a good role model. Who would you choose as your role model, your idol? Miley Cyrus, or a friendly fireman? One is a helping, caring person who helps people everyday they live; the other is Miley Cyrus!

Have I made my views clearer? Have you changed your views on attention-grabbing celebrities? I hope so! I could talk all day about the ideal role model, but for now... I digress...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Thank you so much for reading! Please give your honest opinions on this and the mark you'd think I'd get in the exam!
(edited 10 years ago)
What board are you on?


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Reply 2
Original post by Olympiad
What board are you on?


Posted from TSR Mobile


AQA , sorry for leaving that out!
Original post by Coolsmiles123
This is a Q6 answer worth 24 marks, it would be great if you gave me an honest answer! Thankyou!


16 marks are for communication and organisation of ideas.
8 marks are for structure, spelling, punctuation, grammar and vocabulary.



Q6: it has been said that : "people who save lives or help improve the lives of others are the true role models of today."

write an article for a newspaper in which you argue your view about what makes a good role model.


A:

Heroic. Admirable. Assiduous. Three words which I'd like to use to describe people who save and help the lives of others.

It's hard work helping people, but could you imagine how satisfied you'd feel if your heroic actions were the reason somebody else was still alive? You'd feel on top of the world!

People always get a chance in the spotlight, to be a hero, but there are some people who choose to do the job and stay out of the spotlight. People like my super smart surgeon Dr. Roberts; who is the reason why my heart still beats. You see, I myself took a heart attack last year. One of my coronary arteries were blocked. Don't ask why. Don't ask how. I've always had a healthy diet, and did a bit of jogging every week. Dr. Roberts had to quickly clear the blockage using an endoscope- key-hole surgery. Lucky for me I live 10 miles from the city Hospital and the ambulance came minutes after my major heart attack. Dr. Roberts operated on me immediately, and within an hour, I was as fit as a fiddle.

Dr. Roberts is my hero. My role model. He is a true role model in this society, where money-obsessed Hollywood 'stars' are labelled as 'role models' and 'people we should look up to.' Why is this? These attention-seeking scumbags are robbing the real heroes! When was the last time you read an article about a brave fireman who risked his life to save a vulnerable child from a house fire? Maybe a year ago, maybe never. When was the last time you heard a story about a celebrity giving a small fraction of their earnings to a charity that they obviously never heard nor care about? Likely in the last week or sooner!

what makes a good role model? Somebody who does a selfless act of goodwill or risks their lives to help another. That's a real role model! Helping people in the smallest ways like carrying their bags or giving them a helping hand with something that you don't benefit from is what I call being a good role model. Who would you choose as your role model, your idol? Miley Cyrus, or a friendly fireman? One is a helping, caring person who helps people everyday they live; the other is Miley Cyrus!

Have I made my views clearer? Have you changed your views on attention-grabbing celebrities? I hope so! I could talk all day about the ideal role model, but for now... I digress...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Thank you so much for reading! Please give your honest opinions on this and the mark you'd think I'd get in the exam!

This is really good!! I'm no marker, but I'm pretty sure this is in the top band. I'm not gonna specify which mark, because, quite frankly, I have no idea. A good range of sentence length and writing techniques (e.g. rhetorical question). Both compelling and convincing from the start and consistent the whole way through. I think there might have been a bit of comma splicing, but I'm not sure (putting a comma before "and"). Maybe some more complex vocabulary... I dunno.
I'm guessing you're taking your exam on Tuesday... So am I :biggrin:
i'm no examiner but, just as a random passer-by, i couldn't help but notice how many exclamation marks you used!
i think if you use that many then they start to lose their impact compared to if you just use it once or twice.

good luck :smile: ~
I'm doing AQA too, so I showed this to my English teacher (who's on the exam board for our school) and he says it's an A/B piece of work. Great job! I hope this helps :smile:
I'm doing AQA too, so I showed this to my English Teacher (whose on the exam board for our school) and he says it's a B/A grade piece of work. Hope this helps! ^ ^
Original post by Coolsmiles123
This is a Q6 answer worth 24 marks, it would be great if you gave me an honest answer! Thankyou! (AQA)


16 marks are for communication and organisation of ideas.
8 marks are for structure, spelling, punctuation, grammar and vocabulary.



Q6: it has been said that : "people who save lives or help improve the lives of others are the true role models of today."

write an article for a newspaper in which you argue your view about what makes a good role model.


A:

Heroic. Admirable. Assiduous. Three words which I'd like to use to describe people who save and help the lives of others.

It's hard work helping people, but could you imagine how satisfied you'd feel if your heroic actions were the reason somebody else was still alive? You'd feel on top of the world!

People always get a chance in the spotlight, to be a hero, but there are some people who choose to do the job and stay out of the spotlight. People like my super smart surgeon Dr. Roberts; who is the reason why my heart still beats. You see, I myself took a heart attack last year. One of my coronary arteries were blocked. Don't ask why. Don't ask how. I've always had a healthy diet, and did a bit of jogging every week. Dr. Roberts had to quickly clear the blockage using an endoscope- key-hole surgery. Lucky for me I live 10 miles from the city Hospital and the ambulance came minutes after my major heart attack. Dr. Roberts operated on me immediately, and within an hour, I was as fit as a fiddle.

Dr. Roberts is my hero. My role model. He is a true role model in this society, where money-obsessed Hollywood 'stars' are labelled as 'role models' and 'people we should look up to.' Why is this? These attention-seeking scumbags are robbing the real heroes! When was the last time you read an article about a brave fireman who risked his life to save a vulnerable child from a house fire? Maybe a year ago, maybe never. When was the last time you heard a story about a celebrity giving a small fraction of their earnings to a charity that they obviously never heard nor care about? Likely in the last week or sooner!

what makes a good role model? Somebody who does a selfless act of goodwill or risks their lives to help another. That's a real role model! Helping people in the smallest ways like carrying their bags or giving them a helping hand with something that you don't benefit from is what I call being a good role model. Who would you choose as your role model, your idol? Miley Cyrus, or a friendly fireman? One is a helping, caring person who helps people everyday they live; the other is Miley Cyrus!

Have I made my views clearer? Have you changed your views on attention-grabbing celebrities? I hope so! I could talk all day about the ideal role model, but for now... I digress...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Thank you so much for reading! Please give your honest opinions on this and the mark you'd think I'd get in the exam!


This is good, but could do with a lot of improving.

I think your use of techniques are clear and your variety of sentence lengths are effective. You do also try to use a range of punctuation with some success. While you do talk about some points in your argument, you don't acknowledge the counter argument nor do you engage with a range of material.

With your techniques, your use of the rhetorical question is absurdly excessive. It just detracts from the impact. Instead, just try to use other techniques, like lists, statistics, imperatives, satire and even contrast.

You do have some good structural techniques, with the three words at the beginning - a bit how I used to do my pieces sometimes.

I'd say you could adhere towards the fact that this is a newspaper article more with an improved tone and a title - that would gain you a few more marks, in my opinion.

My marking tends to be reliable, and I would give this a 9/16 for content and 5/8 for your skills. Hope it helps :smile:


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Reply 8
this is quite a good piece and I like how you included an anecdote to support your argument.I am not an examiner but there is room for improvement. firstly you should structure your arguments a lot more formally in order to obtain more marks.use more punctuation and also explore more opening words for specific sentences to make it less tedious. a good effort though. 9/16 for content and 6/8 for skill
I would give this 8/16 and a 6/8 for a combined 14/30. I think the structure of the text is very good, especially in the introduction as it is eye catching and attention grabbing - perfect for a newspaper article which fits the form perfectly. I think a much more formal tone is needed as well as more language devices as well as the rhetorical questjons. Hope that helps.
I would say a mark of around 15-16. Its a little short for a question six, and vocabulary is limited and rather basic.Good deployment of 'AFOREST' techniques, however content could have been explored more thoroughly, perhaps with an anecdote. Good try though at this stage! Still got a long time to practice until GCSEs, so you're more than on track
Q6: it has been said that : "people who save lives or help improve the lives of others are the true role models of today."

write an article for a newspaper in which you argue your view about what makes a good role model.


Heroic.

Admirable.

Assiduous.


Three words which describe those who save and recreate he lives of others.

It's hard work helping people, but could you imagine how satisfied you'd feel if your heroic actions were the reason somebody else was still alive? You'd feel on top of the world!

People always get a chance to be in the spotlight, to be a hero, but there are some people who choose to do the job and stay out of the spotlight. People like my super smart surgeon Dr. Roberts; who is the reason why my heart still beats. You see, I myself took a heart attack last year. One of my coronary arteries were blocked. Don't ask why. Don't ask how. I've always had a healthy diet, and did a bit of jogging every week. Dr. Roberts had to quickly clear the blockage using an endoscope- key-hole surgery. Lucky for me I live 10 miles from the city Hospital and the ambulance came minutes after my major heart attack. Dr. Roberts operated on me immediately, and within an hour, I was as fit as a fiddle.

Dr. Roberts is my hero. My role model. He is a true role model in this society, where money-obsessed Hollywood 'stars' are labelled as 'role models' and 'people we should look up to.' Why is this? These attention-seeking scumbags are robbing the real heroes! When was the last time you read an article about a brave fireman who risked his life to save a vulnerable child from a house fire? When was the last time you heard a story about a celebrity giving a small fraction of their earnings to a charity that they've obviously never heard nor cared about? Think about that.

What makes a good role model? Somebody who does a selfless act of goodwill or someone who risks their lives to help another. That's a real role model. Helping people in the smallest ways like carrying their bags or giving them a helping hand with something that you don't benefit from is what I call being a good role model. Who would you choose as your role model? Miley Cyrus or a friendly fireman? One is a helpful, caring person who looks after people at any shot they get; the other is Miley Cyrus.

Have I made my views clearer? By reading this have you changed your views on attention-grabbing celebrities? I hope so! I could talk all day about the ideal role model, but for now... I must digress.

At the beginning by setting the words out onto different line my teacher one said 'emphasises and draws attention'. It's also has a language technique name but it's flown over my head. It get's you a technique mark though.

Mostly just little edits however the 'think about that' I included makes the article more interactive with an aim to include the reader to think about the points your stating and create an opinion.

The Miley Cyrus paragraph was just edited a tad as words consisting of 'help' were used frequently.
I'm too late to the party but I was googling how to mark your own work and came across this thread, if anyone does the same, I also found this tool that marks English papers for free https://edumentors.co.uk/blog/markmygcse-instantly-grade-your-gcse-past-papers/?utm_source=tsr&utm_medium=sm&utm_campaign=comm

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