My boyfriend and I have very different ideas about birthday present budgets...
So I saw something that I think my boyfriend would love for his birthday or Christmas, which was £110. We've been going out for a year and a half, and I wasn't sure if we were quite to the stage of spending that much. So I asked him on fb roughly what our budget is, and he said he tries to spend no more than £30, which is, well.... quite a bit lower than I expected. Last year was his 21st so I spent about £70 on him, and would probably have done the same again this year. The trouble is, it's my 21st in a few weeks and I can't suggest raising the budget without it looking like I'm asking for something bigger, which I'm not.
If I had more money than him,it would be natural for me to spend more, but I'm a student and he works full-time, whilst living at home so I don't know how we've ended up with such different expectations xD Should I just spend less on him this year and not mention it? I worry that if I spend more than him he'll feel bad.
If I had more money than him,it would be natural for me to spend more, but I'm a student and he works full-time, whilst living at home so I don't know how we've ended up with such different expectations xD Should I just spend less on him this year and not mention it? I worry that if I spend more than him he'll feel bad.
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Ahh the problems of commercialism.
Although I may have misunderstood, the undercurrent of this 'problem', either intentionally or not, is that you are judging his love or dedication to you by the value of the gift in monetary terms. The question you should be asking is not 'how much did he spend' but rather 'how long did he spend finding it' and 'what does this gift say about us'.
If you cannot afford to spend £70 on a gift, don't spend £70 on a gift. I don't know why young people feel the need to 'splash' cash they don't have. A gift doesn't have to be expensive to be good.
I imagine that most people would cherish a cheaper present which had some strong emotional meaning, than a slightly more expensive gift which lacks that emotional importance. Although a different scenario, I have for many years worn the same, relatively cheap watch because it was a gift from my grandfather when he died. I thus cherish this watch and refuse to replace it.
Although I may have misunderstood, the undercurrent of this 'problem', either intentionally or not, is that you are judging his love or dedication to you by the value of the gift in monetary terms. The question you should be asking is not 'how much did he spend' but rather 'how long did he spend finding it' and 'what does this gift say about us'.
If you cannot afford to spend £70 on a gift, don't spend £70 on a gift. I don't know why young people feel the need to 'splash' cash they don't have. A gift doesn't have to be expensive to be good.
I imagine that most people would cherish a cheaper present which had some strong emotional meaning, than a slightly more expensive gift which lacks that emotional importance. Although a different scenario, I have for many years worn the same, relatively cheap watch because it was a gift from my grandfather when he died. I thus cherish this watch and refuse to replace it.
You've been going out for a year and a half. Don't start miscommunicating on small that. Just tell him there's something you want to buy for him that's quite a bit more expensive than his budget and ask him how uncomfortable he'll feel with that.
Original post by Dragonfly07
You've been going out for a year and a half. Don't start miscommunicating on small that. Just tell him there's something you want to buy for him that's quite a bit more expensive than his budget and ask him how uncomfortable he'll feel with that.
Or you could emotionally blackmail him... this works too... never leads to a relationship ending.
Original post by Teaddict
Or you could emotionally blackmail him... this works too... never leads to a relationship ending.
You think that's emotional blackmail?
If he takes it that bad then I guess she could buy him the gift and then lie and say it was cheaper, idk. I'd hate not getting my boyfriend a good gift just because it was too expensive.
Original post by Teaddict
Ahh the problems of commercialism.
Although I may have misunderstood, the undercurrent of this 'problem', either intentionally or not, is that you are judging his love or dedication to you by the value of the gift in monetary terms. The question you should be asking is not 'how much did he spend' but rather 'how long did he spend finding it' and 'what does this gift say about us'.
If you cannot afford to spend £70 on a gift, don't spend £70 on a gift. I don't know why young people feel the need to 'splash' cash they don't have. A gift doesn't have to be expensive to be good.
I imagine that most people would cherish a cheaper present which had some strong emotional meaning, than a slightly more expensive gift which lacks that emotional importance. Although a different scenario, I have for many years worn the same, relatively cheap watch because it was a gift from my grandfather when he died. I thus cherish this watch and refuse to replace it.
Although I may have misunderstood, the undercurrent of this 'problem', either intentionally or not, is that you are judging his love or dedication to you by the value of the gift in monetary terms. The question you should be asking is not 'how much did he spend' but rather 'how long did he spend finding it' and 'what does this gift say about us'.
If you cannot afford to spend £70 on a gift, don't spend £70 on a gift. I don't know why young people feel the need to 'splash' cash they don't have. A gift doesn't have to be expensive to be good.
I imagine that most people would cherish a cheaper present which had some strong emotional meaning, than a slightly more expensive gift which lacks that emotional importance. Although a different scenario, I have for many years worn the same, relatively cheap watch because it was a gift from my grandfather when he died. I thus cherish this watch and refuse to replace it.
I think you've misunderstood my post.
My problem is what I do for his presents. I'm used to spending more and most of the ideas I've had for him are more. Do I
A. Talk to him about it and therefore incur awkwardness due to my impending birthday (he might feel like he has to spend more, and I know he has my present sorted)
B. Buy him one of the presents I've been thinking about and risk making him feel guilty for spending less than me
C. Buy him a less nice present than the ones I've had my eye on for him and feel guilty myself knowing he would have really liked the more expensive one
Original post by Dragonfly07
You think that's emotional blackmail?
If he takes it that bad then I guess she could buy him the gift and then lie and say it was cheaper, idk. I'd hate not getting my boyfriend a good gift just because it was too expensive.
If he takes it that bad then I guess she could buy him the gift and then lie and say it was cheaper, idk. I'd hate not getting my boyfriend a good gift just because it was too expensive.
Thank you for actually understanding my problem xD
I just worry if I bring it up, he'll feel like he has to spend more and that's not necessary because all of his presents are incredibly sweet. I could just pretend it's cheaper than it was, though, it's not probably not immediately obvious but he'll probably ask a question about it and we don't really lie to each other
Original post by CJKay
What's so hard about reducing your budget? In an economy where most people are struggling to pay their bills I find it odd that people still find it necessary to justify spending large amounts of money on leisure.
If I could find something equally nice but vastly cheaper, obviously that would be ideal, but it's unlikely. And if I go for something cheaper and less nice, it'll be in the back of my mind that I could have got him something better.
Here's an idea: Ask him what he would like.
Also, the price of a gift has little to do with whether or not it is something that person is going to use a lot or at all. For all you know your great idea might turn out to be crap, so perhaps ask him what he'd want. For ~£30 he might just want a console game or something!
Also, the price of a gift has little to do with whether or not it is something that person is going to use a lot or at all. For all you know your great idea might turn out to be crap, so perhaps ask him what he'd want. For ~£30 he might just want a console game or something!
Your boyfriend has more the right idea to be honest.
It's Christmas, you're both going to be buying presents for a lot of people and that gets expensive, it makes more sense to have a lower budget. That might be what he can afford if he's buying for a lot of family or friends too. Birthdays are different, I'm sure he'd be willing to spend more but even if he doesn't, it's not the amount spent that matters, it's the thought put into the present. £70 is quite a lot of money, my boyfriend has a full time job too and wouldn't be able to afford that and I'm a student and wouldn't be able to afford that either.
Agree to the lower budget and put more thought into your present to find something he'd really like for that amount of money. It's more than enough to find a really good present if you know him well enough.
Spending lots of money on a present really doesn't automatically make it good or it doesn't prove you love them either. Some of the best presents I've received haven't been expensive at all. For my 17th, my best friend made me a photo album full of photos of me with my friends and wrote captions underneath each one. It didn't cost a lot to make but she put an incredible amount of time and effort into it and I absolutely loved it. I still get it out to look at. It's probably the best present I've ever received.
If you put a lot of effort into making something or into finding something unusual or special relating to someone's interests, they're going to love it even if it didn't cost a lot.
It's Christmas, you're both going to be buying presents for a lot of people and that gets expensive, it makes more sense to have a lower budget. That might be what he can afford if he's buying for a lot of family or friends too. Birthdays are different, I'm sure he'd be willing to spend more but even if he doesn't, it's not the amount spent that matters, it's the thought put into the present. £70 is quite a lot of money, my boyfriend has a full time job too and wouldn't be able to afford that and I'm a student and wouldn't be able to afford that either.
Agree to the lower budget and put more thought into your present to find something he'd really like for that amount of money. It's more than enough to find a really good present if you know him well enough.
Spending lots of money on a present really doesn't automatically make it good or it doesn't prove you love them either. Some of the best presents I've received haven't been expensive at all. For my 17th, my best friend made me a photo album full of photos of me with my friends and wrote captions underneath each one. It didn't cost a lot to make but she put an incredible amount of time and effort into it and I absolutely loved it. I still get it out to look at. It's probably the best present I've ever received.
If you put a lot of effort into making something or into finding something unusual or special relating to someone's interests, they're going to love it even if it didn't cost a lot.
(edited 10 years ago)
Original post by Dragonfly07
You think that's emotional blackmail?
If he takes it that bad then I guess she could buy him the gift and then lie and say it was cheaper, idk. I'd hate not getting my boyfriend a good gift just because it was too expensive.
If he takes it that bad then I guess she could buy him the gift and then lie and say it was cheaper, idk. I'd hate not getting my boyfriend a good gift just because it was too expensive.
Good gift ≠ expensive
What you suggested was very much emotional blackmail. You are doing one of two things
1/ You are, in effect, suggesting that the Op guilt trip her boyfriend into buying her a better gift by confronting him with her more expensive gifts and higher budget. Not only is that unfair and a guilt trip, it is actually quite nasty and if my partner ever did that to me, I would actually get quite annoyed. As I said, it is a relationship destroyer. Just don't do it.
2/ You are suggesting she gauge her boyfriends reaction about her spending more money. He'll probably feel guilty, and will thus want to spend more than he can afford.
Original post by Anonymous
I think you've misunderstood my post.
My problem is what I do for his presents. I'm used to spending more and most of the ideas I've had for him are more. Do I
A. Talk to him about it and therefore incur awkwardness due to my impending birthday (he might feel like he has to spend more, and I know he has my present sorted)
B. Buy him one of the presents I've been thinking about and risk making him feel guilty for spending less than me
C. Buy him a less nice present than the ones I've had my eye on for him and feel guilty myself knowing he would have really liked the more expensive one
My problem is what I do for his presents. I'm used to spending more and most of the ideas I've had for him are more. Do I
A. Talk to him about it and therefore incur awkwardness due to my impending birthday (he might feel like he has to spend more, and I know he has my present sorted)
B. Buy him one of the presents I've been thinking about and risk making him feel guilty for spending less than me
C. Buy him a less nice present than the ones I've had my eye on for him and feel guilty myself knowing he would have really liked the more expensive one
I don't think I have actually, because you are still focusing on the monetary value of the gifts. Just buy him a nice gift. If you cannot afford an expensive gift, don't buy the expensive gift. Just buy him a nice gift. He will appreciate the gesture above all else. If you really cannot find something nice and within a reasonable budget, you aren't looking hard enough.
My favourite gifts are quite often the 'joke' presents that people buy me. They have far more emotional value and most people do value that higher than monetary value... or at least anyone worth caring about does.
Original post by lizlaz350
Your boyfriend has more the right idea to be honest.
It's Christmas, you're both going to be buying presents for a lot of people and that gets expensive, it makes more sense to have a lower budget. That might be what he can afford if he's buying for a lot of family or friends too. Birthdays are different, I'm sure he'd be willing to spend more but even if he doesn't, it's not the amount spent that matters, it's the thought put into the present. £70 is quite a lot of money, my boyfriend has a full time job too and wouldn't be able to afford that and I'm a student and wouldn't be able to afford that either.
Agree to the lower budget and put more thought into your present to find something he'd really like for that amount of money. It's more than enough to find a really good present if you know him well enough.
It's Christmas, you're both going to be buying presents for a lot of people and that gets expensive, it makes more sense to have a lower budget. That might be what he can afford if he's buying for a lot of family or friends too. Birthdays are different, I'm sure he'd be willing to spend more but even if he doesn't, it's not the amount spent that matters, it's the thought put into the present. £70 is quite a lot of money, my boyfriend has a full time job too and wouldn't be able to afford that and I'm a student and wouldn't be able to afford that either.
Agree to the lower budget and put more thought into your present to find something he'd really like for that amount of money. It's more than enough to find a really good present if you know him well enough.
Just this. Op read this several times.
(edited 10 years ago)
Original post by Teaddict
Ahh the problems of commercialism.
Although I may have misunderstood, the undercurrent of this 'problem', either intentionally or not, is that you are judging his love or dedication to you by the value of the gift in monetary terms. The question you should be asking is not 'how much did he spend' but rather 'how long did he spend finding it' and 'what does this gift say about us'.
If you cannot afford to spend £70 on a gift, don't spend £70 on a gift. I don't know why young people feel the need to 'splash' cash they don't have. A gift doesn't have to be expensive to be good.
I imagine that most people would cherish a cheaper present which had some strong emotional meaning, than a slightly more expensive gift which lacks that emotional importance. Although a different scenario, I have for many years worn the same, relatively cheap watch because it was a gift from my grandfather when he died. I thus cherish this watch and refuse to replace it.
Although I may have misunderstood, the undercurrent of this 'problem', either intentionally or not, is that you are judging his love or dedication to you by the value of the gift in monetary terms. The question you should be asking is not 'how much did he spend' but rather 'how long did he spend finding it' and 'what does this gift say about us'.
If you cannot afford to spend £70 on a gift, don't spend £70 on a gift. I don't know why young people feel the need to 'splash' cash they don't have. A gift doesn't have to be expensive to be good.
I imagine that most people would cherish a cheaper present which had some strong emotional meaning, than a slightly more expensive gift which lacks that emotional importance. Although a different scenario, I have for many years worn the same, relatively cheap watch because it was a gift from my grandfather when he died. I thus cherish this watch and refuse to replace it.
You sound like such a pretentious left wing ****. It's simply that case that if she's spent a lot of money on him and he's only willing to spend a small amount on her then there's something wrong. Unfortunately for you the world does value things in monetary terms and generally things that are better cost more money.
In answer to the OP: I'd suggest just talking about it with him, you've surely been together long enough for that
Posted from TSR Mobile
Original post by HarryJames
You sound like such a pretentious left wing ****. It's simply that case that if she's spent a lot of money on him and he's only willing to spend a small amount on her then there's something wrong. Unfortunately for you the world does value things in monetary terms and generally things that are better cost more money.
In answer to the OP: I'd suggest just talking about it with him, you've surely been together long enough for that
In answer to the OP: I'd suggest just talking about it with him, you've surely been together long enough for that
This is hilarious... It is not often that a Conservative gets called a pretentious left wing ....
Hmm, I'll cut to the point:
1) It is not inherently wrong to buy an expensive gift.
2) It is wrong to buy an expensive gift purely because it is expensive or ostentatious.
3) It is wrong to buy an expensive gift when there is a cheaper, equally appropriate substitute.
4) Don't buy something if you don't have the money for it.
5) Just be honest and it'll be fine. You don't need to brag to him that it's expensive, but don't lie and say that it's cheap if it isn't. And you should probably also clarify that you aren't asking for an expensive gift in return.
6. This. More often than not, unless you're terribly pressed for time, you'll be able to find something.
Don't think there's any miscommunication here, it's just that you two differ in your views. Also don't worry, you're not being materialistic, unless you are violating point 2.
All imho of course, haha.
1) It is not inherently wrong to buy an expensive gift.
2) It is wrong to buy an expensive gift purely because it is expensive or ostentatious.
3) It is wrong to buy an expensive gift when there is a cheaper, equally appropriate substitute.
4) Don't buy something if you don't have the money for it.
5) Just be honest and it'll be fine. You don't need to brag to him that it's expensive, but don't lie and say that it's cheap if it isn't. And you should probably also clarify that you aren't asking for an expensive gift in return.
Original post by lizlaz350
Put more thought into your present to find something he'd really like for that amount of money. It's more than enough to find a really good present if you know him well enough.
6. This. More often than not, unless you're terribly pressed for time, you'll be able to find something.
Don't think there's any miscommunication here, it's just that you two differ in your views. Also don't worry, you're not being materialistic, unless you are violating point 2.
All imho of course, haha.
Original post by HarryJames
You sound like such a pretentious left wing ****. It's simply that case that if she's spent a lot of money on him and he's only willing to spend a small amount on her then there's something wrong. Unfortunately for you the world does value things in monetary terms and generally things that are better cost more money.
In answer to the OP: I'd suggest just talking about it with him, you've surely been together long enough for that
Posted from TSR Mobile
In answer to the OP: I'd suggest just talking about it with him, you've surely been together long enough for that
Posted from TSR Mobile
It might not be that he's unwilling to spend more, it might be that he genuinely can't afford to. £30 isn't a small amount if you don't earn much and you've only been with someone for a year and a half, it's pretty decent. As Teaddict said, if you can't find a good present for £30 then you're just not looking hard enough.
(edited 10 years ago)
Original post by Teaddict
I don't think I have actually, because you are still focusing on the monetary value of the gifts. Just buy him a nice gift. If you cannot afford an expensive gift, don't buy the expensive gift. Just buy him a nice gift. He will appreciate the gesture above all else. If you really cannot find something nice and within a reasonable budget, you aren't looking hard enough.
My favourite gifts are quite often the 'joke' presents that people buy me. They have far more emotional value and most people do value that higher than monetary value... or at least anyone worth caring about does.
I don't think I have actually, because you are still focusing on the monetary value of the gifts. Just buy him a nice gift. If you cannot afford an expensive gift, don't buy the expensive gift. Just buy him a nice gift. He will appreciate the gesture above all else. If you really cannot find something nice and within a reasonable budget, you aren't looking hard enough.
My favourite gifts are quite often the 'joke' presents that people buy me. They have far more emotional value and most people do value that higher than monetary value... or at least anyone worth caring about does.
Yes but you claimed I judge how much he loves me on the basis of how expensive his gifts are, which I don't at all, and I think that's unfair. His presents have been really sweet and thoughtful and the price isn't the point- except where it might make him feel guilty which you've just said you'd dump a girlfriend for!
Also, just because a thoughtful present needn't be expensive, doesn't mean the expensive present I'm thinking of isn't thoughtful. I wouldn't be so hung up on it if I didn't think it would mean a lot to him.
Original post by Anonymous
So I saw something that I think my boyfriend would love for his birthday or Christmas, which was £110. We've been going out for a year and a half, and I wasn't sure if we were quite to the stage of spending that much. So I asked him on fb roughly what our budget is, and he said he tries to spend no more than £30, which is, well.... quite a bit lower than I expected. Last year was his 21st so I spent about £70 on him, and would probably have done the same again this year. The trouble is, it's my 21st in a few weeks and I can't suggest raising the budget without it looking like I'm asking for something bigger, which I'm not.
If I had more money than him,it would be natural for me to spend more, but I'm a student and he works full-time, whilst living at home so I don't know how we've ended up with such different expectations xD Should I just spend less on him this year and not mention it? I worry that if I spend more than him he'll feel bad.
If I had more money than him,it would be natural for me to spend more, but I'm a student and he works full-time, whilst living at home so I don't know how we've ended up with such different expectations xD Should I just spend less on him this year and not mention it? I worry that if I spend more than him he'll feel bad.
I can't simply understand how on earth you could ask him about the "budget"! You're in a relationship! Everyone should do what they can/want/like to. Don't talk about money: if you find something beautiful and fell like buying it, then do it. Never tell your boyfriend the price of anything! It's a present, stop.
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