Feeling more than a little self-destructive

Having left high school where everything was surrounding me; I lived with a good friend, I woke up in the morning, walked down the dorm hall and found a friend, the town was literally minutes away from the gate, and the school was an epicentre for academia and intelligent conversation, I'm finding myself slipping this summer.

I promised myself I'd keep up with my studies over the summer, and have found the work-ethic and self-motivation I had at school, dying away. I have always had a problem with my weight, was a size sixteen/eighteen when I went off to the US, and came back a size ten, and am now slipping upwards to fourteen/twelve-ish. I'm also struggling with self-esteem, my boyfriend out there used to help, but having had anorexia, and watching my weight go up as I lose motivation to go out and exercise, I feel worse than ever.

I just... can't motivate myself to do anything. Go for a run, which I loved doing in the US. I haven't got anything to do, anything to remind me of doing some work, anything to distract me from the numbness of existence.

I don't know what to do. As I get fatter, I feel disgusting, absolutely ugly and can't understand why my boyfriend was attracted to me, and I can't feel like I have the energy to do anything about it.

Reply 1

generalebriety

I sympathise. I know what it feels like to be depressed. :frown:

If it helps, 12-14 isn't huge. It's hardly even big. It's on the bigger end of perfectly normal.

My only suggestion is to go for a walk. If you can't manage that, go to somewhere quiet and deserted, maybe a park during school time, and sit somewhere and just think to yourself. Sort things out in your head. Make a plan of action and come back and do it, or at least convince yourself it's worth taking your health seriously - not just your physical health but also your mental health. Try speaking to some old friends about it, or just talking to them in general. It might make you feel better. :smile: