Friends with benefits- betrayal?

Hello Forum,

I would really appreciate some insights regarding my friends with benefits situation. He's in his late 20s and I'm in my early 30s. I've never had a causal sex relationship before and slept with two men so don't really understand causal relationships.

Since 2011, my friend and I have been engaging in lots of sex talk etc and in March this year, we met up for sex and have been sleeping together ever since.

This week, I found out that he was also sending exactly the same messages to a friend in my study group, since 2011. Also this week, he said to me this week that he wasn't interested in anything serious, only a causal relationship and in around about way sort of admitted that he wasn't monogamous. He's mentioned the fact that we were only friends before and I've understood that all along.

I understand that we weren't together and he could sleep with or do anything with other women. However, I've only just found out about the interaction that he had with this other girl.

I feel hurt, manipulated and betrayed that he didn't tell me about the other girl, especially as he has been having the same chats since 2011. This level of deception, he could be sleeping with many many women and putting my health at risk (I've remained faithful to him).

I thought he felt something for me, but obviously not as he was saying the same things to my mutual friend.

I confronted him and said that I found about the other girl and that I felt very hurt. I also demanded that he not contact me and keep his distance.

He has now unfriended me on facebook and I'm left wondering if I've done something wrong here?

Have I overreacted here?

(edited 10 years ago)

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Reply 1

tooloon

er.. you're not exclusive.

why then does this matter?

not to sound cold, but then IMHO it doesn't matter since he has no real loyalty in this thing.

Reply 2

jimmyclyro

Yes, you've over reacted. Friends with benefits hardly implies that both of you are going to be exclusive. So unless you laid out some ground rules along those lines then you shouldn't be surprised at all.

Reply 3

HealthPsychology

Yes I know that we weren't exclusive, I've known that all along.

I just feel played and led on to believe something when he was saying the same thing to someone else and a friend in my group. It hurts.

Reply 4

jimmyclyro

Original post by HealthPsychology

If you're hurt, then you shouldn't have entered a friends with benefits situation in the first place. FWB is just that, no feelings or emotional attachments.

Reply 5

tooloon

Original post by HealthPsychology

put it down to experience.

though I would say that the only who ever should an FWB-thing are those who enjoy no strings/commitment sex.

Reply 6

HealthPsychology

Ok thanks for your replies. Feeling bad now. He's unfriended me from facebook. Probably not suprising!

Reply 7

sliceofcake

Original post by HealthPsychology

He's mentioned the fact that we were only friends before and I've understood that all along.

...

I thought he felt something for me, but obviously not as he was saying the same things to my mutual friend.

I can understand that you may've become attached to him over time and developed some feelings for him, but you said that you understood his position in your 'relationship'. If you understood, why did you expect that he felt something for you too? If he had, he probably would've taken things further. Even if he hadn't, you weren't in a relationship and there was no indication that you were going to be. It's perfectly normal for you to be hurt that he didn't have feelings for you but you can't have expected him to.

I confronted him and said that I found about the other girl and that I felt very hurt. I also demanded that he not contact me and keep his distance.

He has now unfriended me on facebook and I'm left wondering if I've done something wrong here?

You did tell him not to contact you so the unfriending shouldn't come as a surprise. As I said, while I think it was wrong of you to have expected an exclusive situation, or romantic feelings, it's not like you intended it to happen. I don't think you've done anything wrong as such. It's best that you do cut, or at least limit, contact with him. Not because either of you have done something wrong but so that you can try and get over these feelings. I'd have probably been upset too if I started to feel that way about someone but they were seeing someone else. Don't take it personally and try not to let it effect you too much, either.

Reply 8

Viva Emptiness

It does sound like you've over-reacted a bit. The only way a FWB situation can work is with a full and frank discussion of rules before the onset. Having said that, thinking you'll be OK with something if it happens in a hypothetical future, and ACTUALLY being OK with it in real life are often incompatible. I'd put this one down to experience and let it slide.

Reply 9

Bassetts

Women in their early 30's want friends with benefits? Looks like I have some fun to look forward to when I'm older. :colone:

Reply 10

jimmyclyro

Original post by Bassetts

Women in their early 30's want friends with benefits? Looks like I have some fun to look forward to when I'm older. :colone:

You'd have to actually be friends with a woman first. So, unlikely.

Reply 11

Bassetts

Original post by jimmyclyro

You'd have to actually be friends with a woman first. So, unlikely.

it could all change in the next few years, who knows what life will bring. :colone:

Reply 12

eelnais

By having a FWB, you get rid of all the feelings/commitment/explanations or any of that relationship stuff. He could do whatever he wanted (including treating this other girl in the same way) because he has no commitment to you.

You over-reacted. It sounds like you have strong feelings for him, which means it wouldn't have worked out in the long run anyway at least. Chalk it up to experience and move on I guess. :smile:

Reply 13

CJKay

Chalk it up to experience. FWB rarely does actually work for reasons like this.

Reply 14

jimmyclyro

Original post by Bassetts

it could all change in the next few years, who knows what life will bring. :colone:

I wouldn't get your hopes up either way, even if you do have female friends, the likelyhood that one of them wants to be your ****buddy is very low.

Reply 15

Bassetts

Original post by jimmyclyro

I wouldn't get your hopes up either way, even if you do have female friends, the likelyhood that one of them wants to be your ****buddy is very low.

so i should just kill myself now, is that what you're saying?

****buddy, one-off sex, relationship, i dont mind.

Reply 16

jimmyclyro

No, not at all. Just don't get your hopes up that some 30-something woman is going to want to have a casual sex relationship with you.
Just go out now and then, have a few drinks with friends, I assume you have some? And once you have a few drinks you'll have fun and open up a bit, at least it works for me.

Reply 17

staticas

Original post by jimmyclyro

Agreed.

Reply 18

Lotus_Eater

I'm going to slightly take the OP's side here. The point of FWBs is that you behave as friends but with added sex. You essentially minimise most of the rules normally associated with sexual relationships (fidelity, romance, etc.) and hope that the friendship isn't ruined in the process.

In terms of the sex bit, he did nothing wrong. But I do feel sending identical messages to someone else wasn't being a good friend. I once got a long email from a friend complaining he was depressed and outlined all sorts of woes. I replied at length. A month later I found out that he'd sent the exact message to someone else. After I asked him about it, it turned out he sent it to almost a dozen people. The hope being he'd get twelve individual replies to the one email. I wouldn't go so far as to say this was a betrayal but I did find it a bit underhand. It seemed to violate the exclusivity of our friendship.

Ultimately I think the OP could have been a bit cooler about things, but I think I get what she/he means (could be a gay FWB relationship of course).

Obviously in the future it sounds like the OP would be better off pursuing a traditional romantic model, or being much more up front about expectations. You live and learn, and I hope the experience wasn't too traumatic.

Reply 19

HealthPsychology

Thanks for the feedback. I think I'm going to keep maintaining some distance from this guy. Although, I imagine he probably wants to stay clear of me anyway :frown:

Lesson learnt that causal sex is definitely not for me. He's able to sleep and have sex talks with multiple women, by the looks of things, without getting attached. I also seem to really value honesty and clarity in all situations, something which he clearly doesn't follow, so we're largely incompatable in that sense.

I understand we were never serious and he said last week he wasn't into anything serious, but for me to take that step, I would have appreciated some honesty on his part about his intentions and if he was seeing other people. So, I do feel betrayed on some level. I've never done the causal thing before, so I'm working it out for myself. I'll never put myself through this situation again.

We didn't set the ground rules before we started this back in 2011, so I guess that's a collective failure on both of our parts. We didn't talk it through (at all!), I was swept up in emotions and feelings (this is the second guy I've let get close) and saw things very differently from him. My fault really for not being more guarded about my feelings and my clear misunderstandings surrounding causal relationships. It's only now that I've found out about this other girl that he's said it was never into anything serious. But, he has always said we're just friends, so I guess that's something I didn't take on board and something which I really should have listened to.

I'm left feeling hurt and sort of in damage control at the moment in trying to keep myself distracted and maintain some sort of happiness. I also feel a little embarrased and sad that I seem to have lost him as a friend, but then again, I did ask for space and I did insist he keeps his distance from me and respect my wishes.

Live and learn.