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17 year old living with a 40+ man - how is this right?
A friend of mine started seeing one of her dad's friends when she was 16 (yes, this sounds like something from daytime tv). The guy in question is in his forties and has two children that are only slightly younger then the girl.
Her parents are seperated and the boyfriend clearly doubles as a father replacement service. To cap it all he is not particularly good looking nor does he have any outstanding features (charisma) or a great deal of money.
Initially the relationship wasn't taken seriously as all parties (other than the couple) thought that it would end reasonably quickly. The problem is - it hasn't, it has got even more serious as she has moved in with him.
The girl is now 17, she has been completely indoctrinated by this guy who is clearly using her as a trophy girlfriend. Both of her parents hate it but are powerless to do anything about it despite numerous attempts to reason with both the girl and the paedo - sorry, boyfriend. The mother even asked the police to look at it from a grooming point of view (when the boyfriend first met her she was under 16) but they were unimpressed.
So we have a 17 year old girl living with a guy in his forties and his two children who are only slightly younger than she is. She has lost most of her teenage friends as they don't want to know her as a result of the boyfriend. She has also left home to move in with this guy and her main circle of friends now consists of his friends - in other words she is hanging round with people in their late thirties and early forties. Her few remaining teenage friends find it very uncomfortable being around him and his friends for obvious reasons.
I am close to her family and they are totally distraught by this. I have always enjoyed a good relationship with the girl and am finding it very difficult to be there for her whilst this is going on.
How, if in any way can this situation be helped? She clearly needs to be out of there - he is stealing her teenage years and her innocence. I don't buy all this "if they are happy and serious about each other leave them to it" crap and neither should anyone.
Does anyone have any ideas?
Her parents are seperated and the boyfriend clearly doubles as a father replacement service. To cap it all he is not particularly good looking nor does he have any outstanding features (charisma) or a great deal of money.
Initially the relationship wasn't taken seriously as all parties (other than the couple) thought that it would end reasonably quickly. The problem is - it hasn't, it has got even more serious as she has moved in with him.
The girl is now 17, she has been completely indoctrinated by this guy who is clearly using her as a trophy girlfriend. Both of her parents hate it but are powerless to do anything about it despite numerous attempts to reason with both the girl and the paedo - sorry, boyfriend. The mother even asked the police to look at it from a grooming point of view (when the boyfriend first met her she was under 16) but they were unimpressed.
So we have a 17 year old girl living with a guy in his forties and his two children who are only slightly younger than she is. She has lost most of her teenage friends as they don't want to know her as a result of the boyfriend. She has also left home to move in with this guy and her main circle of friends now consists of his friends - in other words she is hanging round with people in their late thirties and early forties. Her few remaining teenage friends find it very uncomfortable being around him and his friends for obvious reasons.
I am close to her family and they are totally distraught by this. I have always enjoyed a good relationship with the girl and am finding it very difficult to be there for her whilst this is going on.
How, if in any way can this situation be helped? She clearly needs to be out of there - he is stealing her teenage years and her innocence. I don't buy all this "if they are happy and serious about each other leave them to it" crap and neither should anyone.
Does anyone have any ideas?
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Anonymous
A friend of mine started seeing one of her dad's friends when she was 16 (yes, this sounds like something from daytime tv). The guy in question is in his forties and has two children that are only slightly younger then the girl.
Her parents are seperated and the boyfriend clearly doubles as a father replacement service. To cap it all he is not particularly good looking nor does he have any outstanding features (charisma) or a great deal of money.
Initially the relationship wasn't taken seriously as all parties (other than the couple) thought that it would end reasonably quickly. The problem is - it hasn't, it has got even more serious as she has moved in with him.
The girl is now 17, she has been completely indoctrinated by this guy who is clearly using her as a trophy girlfriend. Both of her parents hate it but are powerless to do anything about it despite numerous attempts to reason with both the girl and the paedo - sorry, boyfriend. The mother even asked the police to look at it from a grooming point of view (when the boyfriend first met her she was under 16) but they were unimpressed.
So we have a 17 year old girl living with a guy in his forties and his two children who are only slightly younger than she is. She has lost most of her teenage friends as they don't want to know her as a result of the boyfriend. She has also left home to move in with this guy and her main circle of friends now consists of his friends - in other words she is hanging round with people in their late thirties and early forties. Her few remaining teenage friends find it very uncomfortable being around him and his friends for obvious reasons.
I am close to her family and they are totally distraught by this. I have always enjoyed a good relationship with the girl and am finding it very difficult to be there for her whilst this is going on.
How, if in any way can this situation be helped? She clearly needs to be out of there - he is stealing her teenage years and her innocence. I don't buy all this "if they are happy and serious about each other leave them to it" crap and neither should anyone.
Does anyone have any ideas?
Her parents are seperated and the boyfriend clearly doubles as a father replacement service. To cap it all he is not particularly good looking nor does he have any outstanding features (charisma) or a great deal of money.
Initially the relationship wasn't taken seriously as all parties (other than the couple) thought that it would end reasonably quickly. The problem is - it hasn't, it has got even more serious as she has moved in with him.
The girl is now 17, she has been completely indoctrinated by this guy who is clearly using her as a trophy girlfriend. Both of her parents hate it but are powerless to do anything about it despite numerous attempts to reason with both the girl and the paedo - sorry, boyfriend. The mother even asked the police to look at it from a grooming point of view (when the boyfriend first met her she was under 16) but they were unimpressed.
So we have a 17 year old girl living with a guy in his forties and his two children who are only slightly younger than she is. She has lost most of her teenage friends as they don't want to know her as a result of the boyfriend. She has also left home to move in with this guy and her main circle of friends now consists of his friends - in other words she is hanging round with people in their late thirties and early forties. Her few remaining teenage friends find it very uncomfortable being around him and his friends for obvious reasons.
I am close to her family and they are totally distraught by this. I have always enjoyed a good relationship with the girl and am finding it very difficult to be there for her whilst this is going on.
How, if in any way can this situation be helped? She clearly needs to be out of there - he is stealing her teenage years and her innocence. I don't buy all this "if they are happy and serious about each other leave them to it" crap and neither should anyone.
Does anyone have any ideas?
She's not even allowed to talk to me, or so he thinks
But thankfully she does. She has the perfect personality and she is damn good looking too. It's being wasted, I know that for a fact. She cries because of him very often. He's a bloody man and he makes her cry. She's only 17.Sorry I'm not much help.
That saddens me alot. And I can't help her. I don't know how, she needs to get out of there.As the original poster I would like to say that I am not saying that relationships that have a big age gap are wrong - I am simply saying that this one is.
Carl
Does she want out of the relationship?
If not, regardless of the rights and wrongs it isn't really any of your business.
If not, regardless of the rights and wrongs it isn't really any of your business.
The problem is indoctrinaiton - he has convinced her that this is what she wants despite the fact that it is blatently isn't.
Personally I think that this is my business. I am a close friend of the mother and she is completely distraught.
That's a difficult situation but there's nothing you can really do about it. At the end of the day, it's her decision if she wants to lose all her friends and so on for this man, she clearly thinks it's worth it. You can't force her to dump him, she'd just end up resenting you for it.
I suppose all you can do is hope she'll realise what she's missing out on one day.
I have to wonder how she manages to hang out with 30-40 year olds though. Surely they've got nothing in common? What do they talk about?!
I suppose all you can do is hope she'll realise what she's missing out on one day.
I have to wonder how she manages to hang out with 30-40 year olds though. Surely they've got nothing in common? What do they talk about?!
What's the age law...?
Isn't it illegal for a 40 year old to see someone under the age of 18..?
Isn't it illegal for a 40 year old to see someone under the age of 18..?
Lets look at this from a different point of view. She is 17, he is mid 40s. What do they have in common? Nothing.
When she hits 18 a load of new doors will be opened. She'll meet younger, attractive, fitter blokes that are outgoing and fun.
This 40 yr old bloke on the other hand wont go to clubs, wont do what the girl will be interested in etc etc, its simply not practical and the relationship is a flash in the pan. I v much doubt they'll carry on for much longer.
When she hits 18 a load of new doors will be opened. She'll meet younger, attractive, fitter blokes that are outgoing and fun.
This 40 yr old bloke on the other hand wont go to clubs, wont do what the girl will be interested in etc etc, its simply not practical and the relationship is a flash in the pan. I v much doubt they'll carry on for much longer.
Original post by Gε
What's the age law...?
Isn't it illegal for a 40 year old to see someone under the age of 18..?
Isn't it illegal for a 40 year old to see someone under the age of 18..?
No its 16.
This situation is clearly a difficult one, but I agree with darkfairy
Money and good looks, as you mentioned as things he lacks, are never, ever as important as love. I'd suggest trusting your friend a little more - if she is making a mistake, fair enough, eventually the consequences will occur and you should be there to support her if that does happen, not to offer criticism.
Be a stronger person than her other friends - who clearly aren't worth it if they abandoned her so quickly. If you really value her, you can just say that you feel uncomfortable with him and his friends around. Go out shopping, for a meal, to the cinema together. Arrange times so you can be with your friend without worries.
On the other hand, trust her to make decisions for herself. What if she has been lucky enough to find someone she completely loves and they love her back? Would you stand in the way of her being happy? You don't know what goes on behind closed doors, and there's no way you can. There will be reason she's with him, and it isn't for you to make judgements if she doesn't share all these things with you.
The problem is indoctrinaiton - he has convinced her that this is what she wants despite the fact that it is blatantly isn't.
And she's told you this?
I'm not saying that you are unduly concerned here, but stop looking for a way to persuade her out of the relationship. Be a friend, not a judge - that's what she'll need from you, regardless of what happens.
Money and good looks, as you mentioned as things he lacks, are never, ever as important as love. I'd suggest trusting your friend a little more - if she is making a mistake, fair enough, eventually the consequences will occur and you should be there to support her if that does happen, not to offer criticism.
Be a stronger person than her other friends - who clearly aren't worth it if they abandoned her so quickly. If you really value her, you can just say that you feel uncomfortable with him and his friends around. Go out shopping, for a meal, to the cinema together. Arrange times so you can be with your friend without worries.
On the other hand, trust her to make decisions for herself. What if she has been lucky enough to find someone she completely loves and they love her back? Would you stand in the way of her being happy? You don't know what goes on behind closed doors, and there's no way you can. There will be reason she's with him, and it isn't for you to make judgements if she doesn't share all these things with you.
The problem is indoctrinaiton - he has convinced her that this is what she wants despite the fact that it is blatantly isn't.
And she's told you this?
I'm not saying that you are unduly concerned here, but stop looking for a way to persuade her out of the relationship. Be a friend, not a judge - that's what she'll need from you, regardless of what happens.
darkfairy
I think the best person to make the decision of whether she should be seeing this man or not is the girl herself.
Right, I started this thread as an anonomous because I wasn't sure how it would pan out but I am quite happy to post as me now.
I know numerous young girls that have gone off with older men and regretted it. My sister did exactly the same thing. They like the idea that they are with someone who is older, they think it makes them look cool and mature. What they don't realise is that everyone is laughing at them and the situation is completely futile.
At the age of 15 my sister moved in with a 24 yr old and his family "because she knew what was best". Neither the police or social services were interested. She god involved with alcohol, drugs and the occasional bit of low level crime.
Eventually she completely ****ed up her GCSE's (a former top of the class student she ended up with 4 c's and a GNVQ advanced in business) and went out to find a job.
She has since come home with her tail in between her legs and is taking her As levels this year.
Was she really the best person to make the decision?
Mark_KK
I know numerous young girls that have gone off with older men and regretted it. My sister did exactly the same thing. They like the idea that they are with someone who is older, they think it makes them look cool and mature. What they don't realise is that everyone is laughing at them and the situation is completely futile.
At the age of 15 my sister moved in with a 24 yr old and his family "because she knew what was best". Neither the police or social services were interested. She god involved with alcohol, drugs and the occasional bit of low level crime.
Eventually she completely ****ed up her GCSE's (a former top of the class student she ended up with 4 c's and a GNVQ advanced in business) and went out to find a job.
She has since come home with her tail in between her legs and is taking her As levels this year.
Was she really the best person to make the decision?
At the age of 15 my sister moved in with a 24 yr old and his family "because she knew what was best". Neither the police or social services were interested. She god involved with alcohol, drugs and the occasional bit of low level crime.
Eventually she completely ****ed up her GCSE's (a former top of the class student she ended up with 4 c's and a GNVQ advanced in business) and went out to find a job.
She has since come home with her tail in between her legs and is taking her As levels this year.
Was she really the best person to make the decision?
Im with you on this one. But sometimes you gotta just leave them to it, they know it wont work, well either that or they're deluded. And they rarely listen to other people because they already know what they're being told.
Kyasarin
On the other hand, trust her to make decisions for herself. What if she has been lucky enough to find someone she completely loves and they love her back? Would you stand in the way of her being happy?
On the other hand, trust her to make decisions for herself. What if she has been lucky enough to find someone she completely loves and they love her back? Would you stand in the way of her being happy?
This sort of relationship almost never works out as numerous people on here will testify.
You don't know what goes on behind closed doors, and there's no way you can. There will be reason she's with him, and it isn't for you to make judgements if she doesn't share all these things with you.
but stop looking for a way to persuade her out of the relationship
This is not a relationship - it is a farce.
Mark_KK
.
This is not a relationship - it is a farce.
This is not a relationship - it is a farce.
But it's not your place to judge that. I know that you want to protect your friend, I'm going through a similar-ish situation with my little sister at the moment. At first I couldn't understand why my parents weren't intervening if they had such a problem with her behaviour, I was frustrated to the point of tears.
But then I realised that there are certain things people have to learn for themselves. If you try to end this relationship that she's happy in, she will resent you for it despite your good intentions and just rebel against what everyone else wants more. If you're correct and it's a bad relationship for her, then she'll end it herself having learnt her lesson.
You can't control her, she has to learn this one for herself.
amie
But it's not your place to judge that. I know that you want to protect your friend, I'm going through a similar-ish situation with my little sister at the moment. At first I couldn't understand why my parents weren't intervening if they had such a problem with her behaviour, I was frustrated to the point of tears.
But then I realised that there are certain things people have to learn for themselves. If you try to end this relationship that she's happy in, she will resent you for it despite your good intentions and just rebel against what everyone else wants more. If you're correct and it's a bad relationship for her, then she'll end it herself having learnt her lesson.
You can't control her, she has to learn this one for herself.
But then I realised that there are certain things people have to learn for themselves. If you try to end this relationship that she's happy in, she will resent you for it despite your good intentions and just rebel against what everyone else wants more. If you're correct and it's a bad relationship for her, then she'll end it herself having learnt her lesson.
You can't control her, she has to learn this one for herself.
Exactly.
wow this sounds like something on the jeramey carl show.
anyway i think you should be there for your friend, cos when everything goes tits up shes gonna need someone apart from her family to be there. You dont need to see her everyday just go round there once a week ad make sure shes ok and talk to her properly.
anyway i think you should be there for your friend, cos when everything goes tits up shes gonna need someone apart from her family to be there. You dont need to see her everyday just go round there once a week ad make sure shes ok and talk to her properly.
amie
But it's not your place to judge that.
I really hate it when people say things like "it is not your place to judge that".
Why not? As one of the small band of people who will probably help pick up the pieces when this all goes tits up I think it is my place to judge it.
Life is about judgement. Why do we go to the gym, buy nice clothes etc... Life is about how other people perceive us.
gossip_girl
wow this sounds like something on the jeramey carl show.
anyway i think you should be there for your friend, cos when everything goes tits up shes gonna need someone apart from her family to be there. You dont need to see her everyday just go round there once a week ad make sure shes ok and talk to her properly.
anyway i think you should be there for your friend, cos when everything goes tits up shes gonna need someone apart from her family to be there. You dont need to see her everyday just go round there once a week ad make sure shes ok and talk to her properly.
Pfft jeremy carl, hate that tw**. So rude and nosey.
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