Since my exams ended, I've just been sleeping and going out, sleeping and going out, and today it hit me really hard that I haven't been dealing with any of my issues. I have really, really low self-esteem. I feel like I'm not good at anything; literally anything. I've not achieved anything with my life. Nothing. If I died tomorrow there would be nothing to show for it. Everything I've ever wanted to be decent at I've failed miserably at: sport, maths, languages, creative stuff, relationships. I've never travelled anywhere, can't play any instruments and feel positively uncomfortable in anything other than a t-shirt and jeans. I don't know how those things are related but they seemed to fit in my head. I'm argumentative about things that don't matter and apathetic about things that do and so unappealing to the opposite sex that I think my Dad still believes I'm lesbian. I'm now on a gap year (blatantly not going to get into my firm and insurance unis anyway) and I have nothing to do but work my arse off because my parents are in £100,000+ worth of debt, baliffs threatening left, right and centre and nobody can help me but myself. I'm even too scared to apply for a job because of such low self-confidence; I'm not particularly shy at parties with random young people but I have a complex about talking to adults in formal situations like a job interview would entail. The one thing I used to take solace in, writing, has just been even more of a burden in recent times. Yesterday I tore up and threw away a month's worth of writing because it read like complete crap. My writing is nothing more than the penmanship of an angsty 'teenager', or worse than that. I write like a 2-year-old scribbles in colouring books; it's not skilful, it's not thought-provoking and it's just not good.
So what am I left?