Am I too late for success/happiness? Watch

Anonymous #1
#1
Report Thread starter 5 years ago
#1
I am a 24 years old girl, Pakistani girl.

I am the only daughter of a single mother who was raised under a brutal (as per she has always said, abused and cursed) step mother since the age of 3. She lived a mostly unhappy life (which involved physical abuse, as per what she has always told us) with my father, who died after three years of their marriage. Her in-laws were cruel to her(used to beat her etc.), so she left them and worked, lived alone with me (I was 2 months old and my brother was 1 and a half year old) and my brother. She had a few good proposals of marriage, and sacrificed her life to make our lives. She was 23 at that time. Since then, she has been working as a school teacher.

I have on brother who is a year and a half elder than me. We have very different mindset, partly because we are naturally different, and partly because after school, he went into air force and i studied in college in university. He doesn't talk to me at all and shows contempt by his gestures, but that hardly bothers me because we have never been close to each other.

My mother has been verbally and mentally abusive since always. She is almost always complaining, sympathy seeking, manipulating everything in a negative way so that she seems to be victimized by all the bad in the world. She talks against me, and used to talk about my brother until he stopped talking at home unless it is a dire need to do that. The other day, she called my uncle and talked a lot about me, said I beat her although i never did that, manipulated a situation, presenting me cruel and herself a victim, and even said that nobody is asking to marry me, and that my brother says get her (me) lost from the house but nobody will take me and even if somebody does marry me, they'll send me back in no time. I cried all night long in my room, and i killed me, like it always does, and it happens a lot, every second day. I get abused everyday. I feel I am abused because I am not a xerox copy of her, I have a thinking of my own.

I have been told several times every day that i will never get success, because i have hurt and destroyed my mother, that I have this belief in my bones, stronger than anything, that I can never ever be happy or something like successful.

I am 5.2ft tall, and weight 75kg. I have tried in the past few years to reduce weight but never succeeded. I am average looking by face.

So yeah, I am disliked, rejected, and not beautiful.

There is a non muslim guy I talk to, I have never met him, and we can never get married, but he has given me a lot of love, care, learning, but has also been emotionally abusive(not frequently) and controlling (frequently). When I tell him that I am being abused etc., he always justified the abuse by saying the same (or more) has happened to him and it has not affected him much. Kinda brings that blame on me that I am getting affected because of a non-issue. I have recently stopped sharing anything with him as it only hurts me more. I don't have any close friends either.

I had lost track of my studies in college. I had low grades in college, even lower in the university. I failed many subjects (wasted my mom's hard earned money), got ill and dropped a semester later, and still lingering with my degree, taking two courses and doing my degree project in this semester. It seems I am going to be in the university in the next semester as well. That is I will complete a four years degree in 6 years. I have started working hard since a year, but the burden I had on me, the circumstances, the problems (university, hostel, family problems- seems I was harming myself earlier, and when i stopped, the circumstances started harming me) and everything. Most of my peers are way much ahead of me. I feel this alot.

It's not that I was enjoying or something during university, I was rather always depressed, due to the most stupid reasons, never even enjoyed. Now that I have realized my reality and opened my eyes and know that I really need to and have to achieve something.
BUT
I have studied bioinformatics. I haven't learnt any bioinformatics. I used to enjoy programming, so I am doing a project of software development, but I don't know nothing, everything I need to use in my project is what I don't know and I find out that I have a lot to study in no time and that builds up anxiety inside me, to the level that nothing enters my mind. I like to make my mind clear about what I use, but people discourage this approach and say I am unsuccessful because of this attitude. Moreover, I don't have that much of time. So yeah!

and I am sure I am not interested in bioinformatics at all, and i am not ready to be in this field any more, and computer science does not seem to be for me these days, since I don't have a sufficient foundation of computers. I am interested in graphic designing but have never practiced anything more than adobe photoshop, so even if i enter that field by luck, I don't know if I am going to do something there.

Children of my mom are doing masters, most of them are earning as well. I am good for nothing. I haven't applied for job at the moment because my project doesn't leave me any spare time, otherwise every time I am abused, I want to leave studying, leave everything, start working, otherwise commit suicide.

So yeah! I am 24 now. Am I too late for success? Have I got too late in life?
I don't even really know what I want to ask.

Do you people have any words for me? encouraging or discouraging?
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planetearth
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#2
Report 5 years ago
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Success is subjective.

If you mean success as being rich and famous, none of us will probably achieve this.

You sound like you've struggled quite a bit but you always have opportunity. It's impossible for anyone to give you a formula for success. Just keep going and see where it leads you.

You said you haven't even applied for jobs yet. Why not try to volunteer or get a job, no matter how low the position, even if part time, just to get you some experience so you can move up in the employment sector. Everyone starts from a low position and rises up later.

I don't know you, but I guess you may not be cut out for college/academia, which is fine; you may need to come to terms with that. You can get many relevant and employable qualifications that do not involve degrees.

I've been in a very tough position before where I considered suicide too. I will not be in that position where I say "oh don't be silly, don't do it, it's not worth it!" because I know what it feels like to seriously consider it. But I realised that my supposed problems were nothing compared to others, and that everyone has it hard, you just have to keep going. Your family would be completely devastated by the loss, and something that no family should ever experience.

Something I would say however is that you do have happiness in your life. And nobody ever became successful without constant perseverance.
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Anonymous #1
#3
Report Thread starter 5 years ago
#3
You can get many relevant and employable qualifications that do not involve degrees.
Is it vocational jobs you are talking about?
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Anonymous #1
#4
Report Thread starter 5 years ago
#4
(Original post by planetearth)
Success is subjective.

If you mean success as being rich and famous, none of us will probably achieve this.

You sound like you've struggled quite a bit but you always have opportunity. It's impossible for anyone to give you a formula for success. Just keep going and see where it leads you.

You said you haven't even applied for jobs yet. Why not try to volunteer or get a job, no matter how low the position, even if part time, just to get you some experience so you can move up in the employment sector. Everyone starts from a low position and rises up later.

I don't know you, but I guess you may not be cut out for college/academia, which is fine; you may need to come to terms with that. You can get many relevant and employable qualifications that do not involve degrees.

I've been in a very tough position before where I considered suicide too. I will not be in that position where I say "oh don't be silly, don't do it, it's not worth it!" because I know what it feels like to seriously consider it. But I realised that my supposed problems were nothing compared to others, and that everyone has it hard, you just have to keep going. Your family would be completely devastated by the loss, and something that no family should ever experience.

Something I would say however is that you do have happiness in your life. And nobody ever became successful without constant perseverance.
Is it vocational jobs you are talking about?
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