Empty relationships Watch

Anonymous #1
#1
Report Thread starter 5 years ago
#1
So, I realised this lately. That in terms of relationships with people I am going nowhere fast. Yet, I am a bit of a tough spot because I find it very tough to truly warm to people and trust them. I graduated this summer from university and I do realise that my relationships were based on convenience, politics and shallow reasons rather than real friendship and love.

There was just so much conflict in my life in university, I had several grudges in my department. It was me and my friends (more allies) against another group of people. There were a lot of spats and attempts to belittle each other. A lot of childish name calling and intimidation. A lot of cliquish behaviour. But, I grew a bit tiresome of it by the end. No one really faced each other face to face either. It was more a case of laughing with your friends at the other person/people when we were in a group (and they were there). And vice versa. Just a lot of pointless factionalism and mud slinging. None of us even keep in contact with each other anymore. After graduation, it turned out that my best mate in the group basically took my other mate's girlfriend and they were having a fling long before anyone found out. People took sides and went their separate ways.

My relationships with women were disappointing. I am tierd of meeting girls who I just don't seem to 'click' with. I have done the whole one night stand scene in university and I just got bored with it, I just want a girl that stimulates me intellectually. Personality is very important to me and I have not found that type of girl I like, the challenging intellectual type. I am not looking for something serious. I find it weird that my friends are settling down with long term partners and I am just not ready to 'grow up' yet. It is just a bit like I am stuck in limbo. I go to bars, nightclubs and student events to sleep with women because I want sex as a human need, but it reduces me to something of an unsophisticated animal, it is a bit sad. I know all the games they play and I play them myself, but these women are so 'simple', it is just the typical games they play. There is none of the same real interests that I have (literature, history, challenging personality). I have not met anyone that really challenges my mind, so I don't know what it feels like to be involved in that 'spiritual' level with a woman. It is difficult to really put into words because of my lack of experiencing it. For me, it is just emptiness.


Does anyone ever feel the same? It is strange, because I sort of think that I just tire of people, other parts of my life are going great.
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Anonymous #2
#2
Report 5 years ago
#2
(Original post by Anonymous)
So, I realised this lately. That in terms of relationships with people I am going nowhere fast. Yet, I am a bit of a tough spot because I find it very tough to truly warm to people and trust them. I graduated this summer from university and I do realise that my relationships were based on convenience, politics and shallow reasons rather than real friendship and love.

There was just so much conflict in my life in university, I had several grudges in my department. It was me and my friends (more allies) against another group of people. There were a lot of spats and attempts to belittle each other. A lot of childish name calling and intimidation. A lot of cliquish behaviour. But, I grew a bit tiresome of it by the end. No one really faced each other face to face either. It was more a case of laughing with your friends at the other person/people when we were in a group (and they were there). And vice versa. Just a lot of pointless factionalism and mud slinging. None of us even keep in contact with each other anymore. After graduation, it turned out that my best mate in the group basically took my other mate's girlfriend and they were having a fling long before anyone found out. People took sides and went their separate ways.

My relationships with women were disappointing. I am tierd of meeting girls who I just don't seem to 'click' with. I have done the whole one night stand scene in university and I just got bored with it, I just want a girl that stimulates me intellectually. Personality is very important to me and I have not found that type of girl I like, the challenging intellectual type. I am not looking for something serious. I find it weird that my friends are settling down with long term partners and I am just not ready to 'grow up' yet. It is just a bit like I am stuck in limbo. I go to bars, nightclubs and student events to sleep with women because I want sex as a human need, but it reduces me to something of an unsophisticated animal, it is a bit sad. I know all the games they play and I play them myself, but these women are so 'simple', it is just the typical games they play. There is none of the same real interests that I have (literature, history, challenging personality). I have not met anyone that really challenges my mind, so I don't know what it feels like to be involved in that 'spiritual' level with a woman. It is difficult to really put into words because of my lack of experiencing it. For me, it is just emptiness.


Does anyone ever feel the same? It is strange, because I sort of think that I just tire of people, other parts of my life are going great.
You write about this beautifully and eloquently. I have to say I feel the same. I had romantic encounters but never anything that felt substantial enough to warrant pursuing until I met a girl I genuinely liked at work ( I'm a girl and have had both relationships with boys and girls). I thought I'd finally found someone different. It escalated into a brief liaison but it was very fleeting and destroyed our friendship. The rest of my time in that job was hugely uncomfortable. I dreaded going into the office. I'd put myself out on a limb and felt hurt. My ego was bruised and yet, when I eventually swallowed my pride and tried to salvage a platonic relationship, she was cold and clearly not interested. In the end, I quit.

My advice is to surround yourself with good people who excite you intellectually and creatively. Work on building strong friendships. Sometimes I feel like I'll never have an intense romantic connection with anybody but there is comfort in the fact that those around me are interesting in their own right even if they're not potential partners.

I think it's normal to feel alone. There are plenty of others that feel the same but probably aren't brave enough to voice it.
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Anonymous #1
#3
Report Thread starter 5 years ago
#3
(Original post by Anonymous)
You write about this beautifully and eloquently. I have to say I feel the same. I had romantic encounters but never anything that felt substantial enough to warrant pursuing until I met a girl I genuinely liked at work ( I'm a girl and have had both relationships with boys and girls). I thought I'd finally found someone different. It escalated into a brief liaison but it was very fleeting and destroyed our friendship. The rest of my time in that job was hugely uncomfortable. I dreaded going into the office. I'd put myself out on a limb and felt hurt. My ego was bruised and yet, when I eventually swallowed my pride and tried to salvage a platonic relationship, she was cold and clearly not interested. In the end, I quit.

My advice is to surround yourself with good people who excite you intellectually and creatively. Work on building strong friendships. Sometimes I feel like I'll never have an intense romantic connection with anybody but there is comfort in the fact that those around me are interesting in their own right even if they're not potential partners.

I think it's normal to feel alone. There are plenty of others that feel the same but probably aren't brave enough to voice it.

Thank you for the kind words. Do you ever feel that you are constantly keeping your guard up? It is like we are constantly forced to not show any perceived weakness in any manner. I was quite a petulant person in university because it was a reaction to a fear of being taken a fool of. For all of my conduct with people, this fear underpinned all.


I do admit that I had one incident where I felt stupid. I was friends with a girl in second year. I thought she was a nice girl. But, story goes that when she was with her group of friends (a librarian none the less) she decided to show me up by telling the librarian not to 'bully him [me]' when i was making a request. Totally uncalled for and I think the only thing that may have indicated to her that I was 'bully-able' was that I was quite timid and kind with her. That was the only time I allowed myself to be made a fool of in university; but it resonates with me to this day. It taught me to not show one moment of weakness with people you don't quite trust yet. As it turned out later, she was mentally unstable and prone to nervous breakdowns. But, that aimless sociopathic behaviour was the big alarm for me to wake up. There was a lot of this kind of sniping in the department. One incident was where one guy I despised was humiliated when a girl he slept with in the same department told people that he was awful in bed and bordering on impotent. It just happens, even to the coldest people.


I agree with your advice about surrounding myself with good people with the same interests. I had the same thought last night when I was overthinking all of this again. The problem is a lack of real passion anywhere, no one is really 'friends', no one is really a 'lover'. It is all convenience and false hopes at the moment. I just feel like we cannot enjoy the idiosyncrasies with those close to us because of this fear of showing any weakness. Yet, it is these idiosyncrasies with people that makes us human, because it shows you that you appreciate the other person for who they really are. Away from the artificial bull**** defence mechanisms we set up for ourselves. We aren't machines or thoughtless animals.
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