Concerned with my relationship at the moment...GF always busy. Watch

Anonymous #1
#1
Report Thread starter 5 years ago
#1
Hello all,

It has been quite some time now since I last posted here, and I shall try to explain in a very clear way how I am feeling, what I perceive and hopefully you guys can give me some feedback from this as to what I shall do.

My thoughts are very much scattered at the moment, and as such my post may be a little un-ordered to follow due to my irrationality at the moment (and as such I am not sure if this is a rant or a particular query). Nevertheless, I'll try my best to make it clear.

Basically....my issues really revolve around my relationship with my girlfriend (of 16 months), well really, I think a large proportion of them are linked with my own lack of self-work, self-esteem etc etc.

I'll bullet point my issues to break this up a bit.

1.) I have low self-esteem, I feel threatened by my GF (not necessarily because of the fact that she is out-of-my-league as such, though I don't strictly believe in leagues.)

To extend on (1): My GF does not fit the 'Supermodel' stereotype that most blokes seem to crave, or rather society (seems too). She is however very attractive to me, because I love her (but not limited to the fact I love her). I.e. there are many layers to this debate.

She is of medium build, is not necessarily overweight or skinny (not to sound materialistic or vain), she is kind of between the two.

She has lovely curves to her body, nice legs, a pert behind, lovely eyes and a great smile. To compliment this she has a very wild personality, which, actually brings me out of my introverted shell. She is daring, and to some extent 'highly strung'. Can go from one extreme to another (though this sometimes is bad), she has a strong spirit in terms of knowing what she wants. She works in her family's business (which is relatively small), she enjoys the simpler things in life.

However...the reason I feel threatened is because of my obsessive thoughts that she will leave me for someone else. Now, just to add, I do have a history of mental health issues, depression/generalized anxiety. The reasons I feel she might leave me is because of the fact that I feel our relationship has developed into a very mundane routine.

Also, I have suffered from low self-esteem/depression since prior to meeting her. I often put myself down, have had mood swings, have said things I regret, procrastinate, and ruminate over silly things. I over-analyze everything in my life- in most areas. Which causes me a lot of distress.

We used to argue a hell of a lot over things, normally when I got low, she would kind of say I'd upset her etc. She has this very 'hardy' way of dealing with me. Often with the attitude of 'your making yourself like this', 'pull yourself together', 'nothing is that bad in your life'. Again, this is me generalizing and stuff, because I don't want to bore you all with a lengthily thread with all the details.

2.) Me and her are opposites. We are both at different stages in our lives (even though we both same age- mid twenties). I am at uni in my second year, and she is working in her parents business. I am pretty ambitious, want to experience culture and stuff, whereas she is very much a 'hometown' girl. Would rather stay in a small village in rural countryside all her life and work with her parents. Of course there is nothing wrong with this- just two different tracks of people here.

3.) She had a very conservative upbringing (almost Victorian in ethos), like her parents and both sets of grandparents would go mad if they realized we slept in same bed when she comes around.

She (my gf) is kind of closed off from all things kind of sexual, which of course is the way it is. Whereas I am very kind of liberal and open-minded. She hasn't had sex because she doesn't believe in it before marriage. Thus, we haven't had sex. Although we do other stuff within reason, but I don't think she does it because she likes it. She does it to appease me.

So in short, we have two different sex drives, I get horny, and she doesn't essentially. She isn't exactly asexual but as close to one as one can be. Like sex/sexual acts doesn't bother her.

4.) She works until late at night for her parents all day seven days a week. She still makes time to see me, but is late every time. Now, I don't mind this. But because of the fact she is tired and lethargic when she comes to mine, she hardly seems enthusiastic to see me anymore.

Which is the real issue for me. If she doesn't have time to see me/or for the relationship then she should say so. Obviously she loves me not too. But sometimes I feel like shes holding on tightly to me, because she has a very bleak relationship with her folks (they are slave drivers etc), don't pay her for her work, always patronize her. So when she comes to mine she is very grateful, because its only time she can relax.

But sometimes I think that her coming to see me bores the hell out of her, and she'd rather be getting on with work for the turnaround for the next days work.

I dunno I guess its a culmination of several factors, a major one being a) my self esteem/anxiety, b) my observations between how we used to be and how we are now, c) the fact she always seems disinterested with me (although could be because of tiredness), d) her lack of sexual appetite.

Do you people think we are too opposites to last any longer? Its been 16 months, but I just feel that sometimes she doesn't want to be with me. Little things like, shes stopped saying she loves me. Stopped sending kisses on texts (petty I know but still).
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Anonymous #2
#2
Report 5 years ago
#2
Hey I noticed no-one had replied to you and you sound a little worried so I thought I'd share my opinion on your situation if you don't mind.
1) For starters, you don't sound like a superficial guy, you seem to love this girl for who she is (and for that she is very lucky!)
You say that your relationship has become routine.. I will tell you what everyone else would probably say is that you need to bring some spice into your life! I don't know your girlfriend but this could be through a romantic weekend getaway, a fancy dinner where you spoil her rotten, a bunch of flowers or even a set of nice underwear. The key is this is spontaneity. If she's not expecting it, she'd appreciate such a small gesture so much more. The surprise is basically the best bit!
Your girlfriend sounds very bold, if I might say, you know not afraid of letting rip into you.
She must know you have a history of mental health problems - surely she shouldn't be so hard on you? Couples argue all the time, sure, it's part of life, but you know, talk to her about it. Think about why what sets off her temper in the first place, let her know words can have more of an effect on you than anything else.
2) They say opposites attract which to be honest I completely disagree with - your situation displays it perfectly. You have to question whether this is the woman you want to spend the rest of your life with and from what you've said she sounds pretty stubborn - ask yourself, would you both be willing to compromise and sacrifice things in order for your relationship to work?
3) Unfortunately that is her parents decision - are you near/at that stage where your thinking about getting a place together possibly? Or is she a hometown girl, as well as a I want to live with my parents for as long as possible girl?
The more I read the more this girl sounds like hard work! Every important milestone in life, you simply cannot get pass! Her decision not to have sex until marriage is totally okay, but you seem to be sacrificing a lot for a person and seem to be getting nothing in return (this is based entirely on what I'm hearing, I am trying not to judge so I am very sorry if it seems like I am).
4) You are too complacent! You are doing all the waiting on her, no sex, she doesn't seem willing to compromise - you treat her like a Queen in comparison!

You know, you do seem to have a bond. But will it last, I'm in no place to comment. I don't have the best relationship with my parents therefore I tend to spend 90% of my free time with my boyfriend and I cherish every second of it - I work 5 days a week and as exhausted/cranky/miserable I get, I do my best to not take it out on him. He'll start to think he's doing something wrong which will end up impacting our relationship and he's the best thing I have.

I hate seeing relationships crumble to pieces (I am a very soppy girl I know), whether they be of my friends or of total strangers. Your observations are so not petty! It must be so difficult for you, to stop saying she loves you as well as stop showing it - this will contribute to your anxiety issues even more. Another stress factor, do you really want to be dealing with?
I know you've said you have anxiety/confidence issues etc - but you have to talk to her if you want to resolve these problems. Tell her what's upsetting you - you've been with girl 16 months and I know she barely does anything to contribute to the relationship but the least she can do is listen.
Good luck bro, I know my contribution is probably useless but I thought you might just want someone to talk to.
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