Help, Muslim Asian family and don't know what to do! Watch

anwarpwnsall
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Hi, I'm 18, last year of Sixth Form. I have a number of issues so bear with me.

•I want to choose Geography/Politics at uni but my parents want me to do something more vocational like Law. I don't want to do this, and I don't want to go to my local uni. I want to apply for unis in London but my parent's/siblings said they'd disown me if I did

•I'll be having an arranged marriage sometimes soon, and I really don't want one. I didn't used to mind but as I've gotten older, I've realised it's really not for me. Especially since I'm gay (you see my problems). I have no idea what to do as if I tell them that they'll hate me more and really affect my family, which I really do love. I can't imagine what my parents will go through if I told them.

•I'm not really a Muslim anymore. I'm the most Western of my family members, and I think with this I've become less religious too. But my parents are planning to take me to do Umrah next year to make me believe more. I don't think I'll be mentally able to do that. I do not believe at all.

I have no idea what I'm doing. If I told my parents any one of these they'd flip and I'd have to leave, but where to? I have no where to go, and I can't imagine how my parents/family would feel. I'm stuck in between a rock and a hard place.

Please some advice, I just want to be happy without upsetting or hurting my family.
Thanks!
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tehforum
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(Original post by anwarpwnsall)
Hi, I'm 18, last year of Sixth Form. I have a number of issues so bear with me.

•I want to choose Geography/Politics at uni but my parents want me to do something more vocational like Law. I don't want to do this, and I don't want to go to my local uni. I want to apply for unis in London but my parent's/siblings said they'd disown me if I did

•I'll be having an arranged marriage sometimes soon, and I really don't want one. I didn't used to mind but as I've gotten older, I've realised it's really not for me. Especially since I'm gay (you see my problems). I have no idea what to do as if I tell them that they'll hate me more and really affect my family, which I really do love. I can't imagine what my parents will go through if I told them.

•I'm not really a Muslim anymore. I'm the most Western of my family members, and I think with this I've become less religious too. But my parents are planning to take me to do Umrah next year to make me believe more. I don't think I'll be mentally able to do that. I do not believe at all.

I have no idea what I'm doing. If I told my parents any one of these they'd flip and I'd have to leave, but where to? I have no where to go, and I can't imagine how my parents/family would feel. I'm stuck in between a rock and a hard place.

Please some advice, I just want to be happy without upsetting or hurting my family.
Thanks!
Law is academic at uni -- not vocational.

Try explaining that London universities are better for job prospects in the future which is important etc
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anwarpwnsall
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(Original post by tehforum)
Law is academic at uni -- not vocational.

Try explaining that London universities are better for job prospects in the future which is important etc
By vocational I mean it has a job attached

And yeah I have but they won't listen They say it's very expensive and they don't trust me :/
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tehforum
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(Original post by anwarpwnsall)
By vocational I mean it has a job attached

And yeah I have but they won't listen They say it's very expensive and they don't trust me :/
Whats your family household income?

If its under 25k, you get a crap ton of money (maintenance loan + maintenance grant + grant from the uni + more to compensate for the fact that it's in London
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anwarpwnsall
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(Original post by tehforum)
Whats your family household income?

If its under 25k, you get a crap ton of money (maintenance loan + maintenance grant + grant from the uni + more to compensate for the fact that it's in London
No, we're about 50ish I think :/ But even if I did go to London, what would I do afterwards?
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musketeer
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I can see why you're struggling.

It would be easy to say "Just be yourself, if they can't accept you for that then you're better off without" but if you have nowhere to go, you can't do that.

The only thing I can suggest is that you apply for the universities you want to apply for and then, when you're there, you can be open with them about being gay, about not wanting to be in an arranged marriage. You will have somewhere to live and they won't be funding you so you will have your independence.

Do you think that might be something you could do?
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tehforum
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(Original post by anwarpwnsall)
No, we're about 50ish I think :/ But even if I did go to London, what would I do afterwards?
What do you mean?

Ok, it seems like you'll get the minimum loan based on that.
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tehforum
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(Original post by musketeer)
I can see why you're struggling.

It would be easy to say "Just be yourself, if they can't accept you for that then you're better off without" but if you have nowhere to go, you can't do that.

The only thing I can suggest is that you apply for the universities you want to apply for and then, when you're there, you can be open with them about being gay, about not wanting to be in an arranged marriage. You will have somewhere to live and they won't be funding you so you will have your independence.

Do you think that might be something you could do?
I don't think you understand the gravity of what you just said.
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(Original post by anwarpwnsall)
No, we're about 50ish I think :/ But even if I did go to London, what would I do afterwards?
Get a nice house in London with a nice guy in a suit who reads the Independent and adopt a small child and do geography forever and hope your parents will be secretly glad you're happy
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anwarpwnsall
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(Original post by musketeer)
I can see why you're struggling.

It would be easy to say "Just be yourself, if they can't accept you for that then you're better off without" but if you have nowhere to go, you can't do that.

The only thing I can suggest is that you apply for the universities you want to apply for and then, when you're there, you can be open with them about being gay, about not wanting to be in an arranged marriage. You will have somewhere to live and they won't be funding you so you will have your independence.

Do you think that might be something you could do?
That's a good idea, I wouldn't worry too much if I could do that but my parents don't want me to do geography/politics, they want me to do something else And I'll have to apply before January 15th, so what could I do? :/ They want to me to show them once I've applied and make sure I'm not applying to something they won't like
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username927016
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Gosh you are like in the exact same position as me apart from the fact that I'm straight. Law is good but I wouldn't suggest it if you don't really enjoy it, I took Economics at University instead due parental pressure & that partly ended up making me feel depressed at Uni & I failed the 2nd year where lack of motivation played a big part. I want my career to be in the sports industry as I'd enjoy it more than working in a bank or something. What sorts of career plans do you have in mind yourself? It's your life at the end of the day not theirs!!!

How old are you btw? Do you have any source of income apart from your parents? I'm looking for a job atm as I want to move out asap & not be under their control. Do you have friends/family members you can talk to about these issues?
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Pizza King
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Lol damn you're in a bad spot.


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anwarpwnsall
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(Original post by tehforum)
What do you mean?

Ok, it seems like you'll get the minimum loan based on that.
Even so, putting the finances to a side, my parents still don't trust me to move away
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tehforum
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(Original post by anwarpwnsall)
Even so, putting the finances to a side, my parents still don't trust me to move away
You need to convince them that you're trustworthy (in what sense?)

Do you have to go to a London uni?
Is the reason freedom?

Could try other major cities tbh
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anwarpwnsall
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(Original post by Multitalented me)
Gosh you are like in the exactly samre position to me apart from the fact that I'm straight. Law is goofd but I wouldn't suggest it if you don't really enjoy it, I took Economics at University instead due parental pressure & that partly ended up making me feel depressed at Uni & I failed the 2nd year where lack of motivation played a big part. I want my career to be in the sports industry as I'd enjoy it more than working in a bank or something. What sorts of career plans do you have in mind yourself? It's your life at the end of they day not theirs!!!

How old are you btw? Do you have any source of income apart from your parents? I'm looking for a job atm as I want to move out asap & not be under their control. Do you have friends/family members you can talk to about these issues?
It's nice to know I'm not alone!
I want to do something in the civil service or something along those lines. I'm not 100% sure yet, so I can see why in that respect my parents may worry, but I just want to try and do something political or something (sounds silly but I'm really interested).

And I work as a display assistant at my Sixth Form...let's say I don't get paid much at all hahaha, my parents don't really like the idea of me getting a proper job at the moment (even though I am 18). I'm not going to lie, as the youngest in my family I've been partially spoilt, which has added to the guilt I feel if I was to leave :/
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musketeer
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(Original post by tehforum)
I don't think you understand the gravity of what you just said.

What do you mean?




(Original post by anwarpwnsall)
That's a good idea, I wouldn't worry too much if I could do that but my parents don't want me to do geography/politics, they want me to do something else And I'll have to apply before January 15th, so what could I do? :/ They want to me to show them once I've applied and make sure I'm not applying to something they won't like

But it's YOUR degree, not theirs. Why don't you go to a compromise and do Law with Politics or Politics with Law?
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anwarpwnsall
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(Original post by tehforum)
You need to convince them that you're trustworthy (in what sense?)
Trustworthy as in I wouldn't go and get myself a partner, drink alcohol or do anything unislamic. At the moment I have to sneak off to parties, they haven't found out about any of that yet but I just don't believe anymore really so I don't see how I can be more islamic and religious.
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anwarpwnsall
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(Original post by musketeer)
What do you mean?







But it's YOUR degree, not theirs. Why don't you go to a compromise and do Law with Politics or Politics with Law?
I've been looking into that, I sometimes think it won't be bad, but in a way (maybe I'm just being stubborn?) but I don't feel like I should have to compromise. I don't have an interest in Law so it seems wasted :/
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musketeer
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(Original post by anwarpwnsall)
I've been looking into that, I sometimes think it won't be bad, but in a way (maybe I'm just being stubborn?) but I don't feel like I should have to compromise. I don't have an interest in Law so it seems wasted :/

Ahh, this is the beauty of it though. When you get to uni, most of them give you a week or two to shift around your course within the school you're in.

So, you apply for a compromise course and then when you get there, wait a couple of days and ask to transfer!
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bad8oy
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(Original post by tehforum)
Law is academic at uni -- not vocational.

Try explaining that London universities are better for job prospects in the future which is important etc
A career in law is one that is vocational though. So really the course is vocational. I was speaking to a barrister couple weeks back and he said the fact that its vocational is why he went into the career.


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