Quick background: I've been a good student all my life and study at a top 5 university in the UK. However, I messed about and got complacent and lazy and failed my second year, which meant I need to repeat it. I couldn't bear the embarrassment of telling everyone I'd failed and me going back to uni and repeating would make it clear I had, so I took the option of staying at home and studying on my own and then retaking the exams at the end of the year. I told this to my parents literally at the last minute, and it was a huge shock to them obviously because they had no idea at all that I was even finding it difficult, let alone failing. My parents took it pretty well, considering, and agreed to let me stay at home and study, and agreed to not tell people I'd failed, but that I was taking some time off for health reasons.
This was back in September and I've been studying and following a good routine since then. But I just feel like such a failure and hate even going on twitter or Facebook because I see all my other friends, who are having fun and doing well. I'm bored and lonely and it's not like I can even do much since I'm supposed to be sick. I see school friends of mine who used to be mediocre to average students, compared to my straight As, who are thriving in university and getting summer jobs and full time jobs. It just hurts, because I know it's my own fault, but hopefully I can get my life back together again.
The other issue is my mother. She's got high blood pressure and has seriously got anger issues. Now she's not a typically bad mother, she is actually a great mom who puts everything on the line for me, but she makes sure I don't forget it either. Whenever I google this, I only find cases of terrible moms who don't care about their kids and physically abuse them and stuff, but my moms not like that. She has the nastiest tongue though, and uses every one of my insecurities against me when she's angry and in a fight. She compares me to my friends, talks about how I have no real good friends, talks about my weight, obviously keeps mentioning my failure and how I'm a loser etc. All really hurtful things that any young adult is super insecure about already. Most of this is said in rage, but she's been like this over the last 5-10 years, like you literally cannot argue with her. If I even say one mean thing in response, she gets furious and threatens to never talk to me and that I have "no right" to get upset at what she says and that what she has sacrificed and done for me over my life gives her the leeway to say whatever she wants. She was always like this, even when I hadn't done much wrong, but now with my failure and stuff coming to light, she's unbearable. I get that she's upset and shocked, but does that justify her verbally abusing me like this? Literally, if I tell her anything personal (which is now rare) she'll use it against me, like if someone is *****y to me and has a fight with me, where it really wasn't my fault, she listened and sympathised but later used it in an unrelated fight ("no wonder you have issues with your friends. No wonder!")
I'm not thick skinned and her words really hurt, even though I am sorry for lying to them and putting her in this situation. It's gotten to the point where she just rages for a few hours and then calms down and just calls me to her room where we watch tv together or something, like I'm just supposed to be grateful she's not angry anymore, she never apologizes ever. To deal with her anger during the fights, I've started cutting myself, something I never thought I'd do, but it's the only thing I can do since now that I've failed I can't even get upset at the filth she says to me apparently. She is really unreasonable and feels that the good she does as a mother should cancel out any horrible things she might say or do during her 'occasional' outbursts. Please help me deal with this, please. I feel so alone and I get no sympathy from her whatsoever.
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Please please help, feel like a failure and verbally abusive mother making it worse. watch
- Thread Starter
- 16-11-2013 10:02
- 16-11-2013 16:42
OMG, lol..... I'm sorry to here you are upset, but I think you should truly not worry. Many people have parents like this, its only a natural parental reaction to get upset at your kids, and yell everything that comes to mind that is hurting them inside because the fact is your mother really cares about you. If she didn't she wouldn't say all these things, because she would just have pure apathy towards your situation.
My piece of advice would be, as hard as this may seem, but to realise your mother will NEVER change, trying to change her view on the matter will not work. I am sure you would agree to have your mother this way, rather than not at all, or just indifferent to anything you do. Just relax, look you can see this as if you are a psychiatrist and you have to let your mother talk all her pain out, don't take it personally, it is just one of her needs as a mother.
The fact that you failed.... well, we all make our mistakes, at least you failed now rather than the last year where that would have ended with an disappointing degree result. Be grateful.... You have a chance to retake this year, and do better next year.
Another thing whenever you mother shouts at you, ( smile in your head and say I love you to her).... You will love her no matter what... So you might as well relax... accept that this is a personality flaw that she is battling with as you did with yours ( your complacency)....You can't get upset or angry at her or take anything she says personally it is just her flaw that is talking and since she is your mother, you might as well embrace her for that as well.
You can even go so far as to be even nicer to her, to make her feel more loved, she will have to reflect it back in some way or other. If it doest work at least she will be pleasantly surprised. And remember parents of all things want to be proud of their children so unless it is unavoidable then and only then complain about something that is wrong...otherwise they are left with no choice but to consider there maybe something wrong with you....
lol.... Please, listen to my advice it will help... trust me... Good luck