this is my first attempt at this sort of novel- so any comments appreciated Watch

smiles99
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#1
Out of the Darkness
Chapter one- moving away
“Kirsten? Are you ready to go?” dad yelled from downstairs.
“Almost, hang on a sec!” I replied.
We were moving house, again. We have to, well, according to dad we have to anyway. Only because he has this job, which he has to travel everywhere because of it. Which means I have to go too, because mom is dead.
Hah, at last I can finally say goodbye to this ugly house, in this ugly place. It wasn’t heartbreaking to watch it shrink into the distance as I sat in the front of dads van, because I never really liked the place anyway. So it doesn’t make any odds to me. The only thing which I am annoyed about is that I have only just got settled with everything, new friends, and school, when dad started hunting for another new house.
I just woke up. We’re still driving. Its dark outside now, and the trees have turned into blobs of shadows. I looked at dad, he sensed me looking at him, and smiled at me. I looked past him into the night….
“Aahh!” I gasped.
“Kirst, are you ok, love? What’s the matter?” Dad questioned me.
I stayed silent. Then I said, “There was a face, out- outside, against your window. Staring at me.” I stuttered. I waited for a reply, but when dad did reply, he didn’t say what I expected.
“You’re probably just tired. We’ve been driving all day, or rather I’ve been driving all day. You’re probably just hallucinating.” He replied. I didn’t believe him, but I agreed anyway. I was tired, but no matter how tired I have ever been I have never been imagining things. That’s what worried me most. Then I fell asleep again.
******
Chapter two- why it happened
I woke with a start. Dad slammed his braked on, so hard that I was launched forward in my seat, and into the dashboard. I screamed. If it wasn’t for my seatbelt then I would have been covered in glass by now. But I still didn’t get away without a scratch. My head was bleeding, I touched it. Then I looked at my hand, it was covered in blood. Then I fainted.
Dad had dragged me out of the van by the time I had come round. My arm was hurting. I looked around myself, but all I could see was darkness, then I saw a shadow move. They came into the moonlight so I could see them. It was dad. He had streaks of red splattered over his tense face. His shirt was even worse, all round the collar there was blood stains, and then I realized that the blood was coming from his neck. There was a deep wound; the dark skin surrounding it was painted red. I tried to get up, but it hurt my arm too much, so I stayed where I was, on the cold solid tarmac road, in the middle of no-where.
“How did it happen?” I asked dad.
“I slammed on the brakes. There was a person walking across the road, right in front of me, so I swerved, and crashed into this tree,” he pointed towards the van, which I then realized was on the verge, smashed into a massive oak tree.
I paused, and took in all of the facts which dad had just told me, then I questioned him even more.
“What happened then? After you crashed I mean.”
“The person who was walking across the road ran over. He tapped on the window, and asked if we were alright. I nodded. Then I got you out of the car. By that time he had already disappeared.” Dad explained.
I nodded.
“What did he look like?” I curiously asked dad.
“Tall, silver hair, white teeth, bit of a beard. Why do you ask?” he replied.
“Oh god, help me please.”
“Kirsten? What’s the matter?” dad questioned me.“He sounds exactly like the person who was at your window earlier.” I panicked. Then the ambulance arrived.
******
Chapter 3- hospital experience
They questioned dad in the back of the ambulance, meanwhile, they checked me over for any emergency surgery. When I had hit the dashboard, all of my weight went onto my arm. In the process it broke. They told me not to move my arm, so I did exactly that. Like I was going to move it anyway, it hurt too much to hold it in one place, let alone move it!
Once we had got to the hospital, they whisked dad off for and x-ray, just to make sure he was ok. They then took me off to have my arm fixed, and then put into plaster. First of all they had to straighten my arm. I did this with difficulty as it hurt a lot. In the end they gently, but firmly straightened it for me. After me and dad were reunited we called a cab to come and pick us up and take us to our new home.
When the cab finally arrived we had to explain why we were both in such state at this time of night, as it was nearing 3am now. It seemed to take ages to get to the house; luckily all of our stuff was already there so we didn’t have to worry about that. As soon as I saw the house I had a weird feeling about the situation, and the shadows enclosing around me. But I tried to reassure myself that everything would be ok, and soon it would be time for me to go to school, and then it will be Christmas. Shortly after that it will be my birthday, and then dads.
*******
Chapter four- the freak
The following morning, I woke to the sound of the wind blowing ferociously outside and the kettle hissing in the kitchen. I slowly got up, and dressed before ambling downstairs to find dad reading the paper.
“Look, we’re on the cover! It turns out that there was a camera nearby that recorded the whole dramatic scene!” Dad mimicked as if he was a reporter, I chuckled at his clown- like jokes, the sort which would entertain almost everyone.
“Ughh! God, what do I look like? I probably look terrified on the video, and even worse on a picture!” I commented, peering over dads shoulder at the terrifying event on the cover of the newspaper. I looked terrible. Everyone at school are going to be wondering what on earth happened when I turn up there. Dad rustled the paper as he placed it down on the shimmering worktop, then he slowly got up and flicked the kettle on, and put two pieces of brown bread into the dusty toaster.
“So…. How’s your arm? I feel so guilty about all of this...-” Dad pouted. So I interrupted him,
“It wasn’t your fault. That freak should have been wearing highly visible clothes, and he shouldn’t be outside, alone at that time of night anyway!” I pointed out.
“Good point,” dad replied, agreeing with my common sense.
“My arm’s ok I guess, not the best but, I’ll have to live…” I reasoned with dad trying my hardest to make an excuse to make it look like it wasn’t his fault. I couldn’t think of a better one, so I just dropped the subject.
******
Chapter 4- the surprise
“Have you had a tour of the house yet? I can show you round if you want…” dad suggested in a pleading kind of way.
“That sounds great, shall we have our toast first or after?” I asked. My stomach was growling so loud I was sure dad could hear it complaining, I was so hungry. I hadn’t eaten since yesterday, at breakfast, so it would be about time I had something to eat.
“ We’ll have it now. It will be done in a moment. Do you want to get the butter out of the fridge for me please, Kirst?” I slowly trotted over to the large silvery fridge, and opened the door. Only to find it stuffed full, to the brim. There was allsorts in there, there was the usual; butter, vegetables, yogurts, cheese, some ketchup, but then there was some weird stuff like some fairy cakes with butterflies on top, and some mini sausages, and some burgers, and some rice. Some random stuff which I would never imagine being in our house. Let alone our fridge! I reached into the jumble and pulled on the butter and everything fell out over the cold tiled floor. I started to put everything back into the fridge, when I spotted something else, tucked underneath the fridge was a banner! I pulled it out carefully, trying not to rip it. Then I smoothed it out over the tiles, and tried to read it. It looked like some foreign language. I didn’t hear dad come up behind me until he spoke.
“Its upside-down, you dimwit!” dad commented, making me jump.
“Oh, I knew that! Well, actually I didn’t but still-” I replied cautiously turning the sheet over. On the back was some writing- in English. It said something like; ‘welcome home Kirsten!’ I looked up, to the smiling face of my father.
“I was going to put it up last night when you were in bed, but after all that happened, I didn’t have the chance to. So I booby- trapped the fridge, so you’d find it all. Which Is one thing I have done right, at least!” he proudly explained. I was speechless.
“Er… um, thanks?” I stutter awkwardly, as I pick the food up from the floor.
“That’s ok. Are we going to go and eat this toast or not?”
“Yeah! I’m starving!” I replied, as we both went over to the table and sat down, so we could finally eat. I picked up a knife and stabbed it into the butter and started to spread the butter over the toast, one handed, when I noticed my dad was staring at me. I glanced up to him, and I saw a scar running down his neck, to his chin, the one which was bleeding. He winced when he saw me looking at the scar, as if I was hurting him by using my eyes. I looked into his eyes when he looked at me, and all I saw was pain.
“Dad? How-, what hurt you, when I looked at you I mean,” I questioned. This is weird, why did dad wince when I looked at him? No! Wait, was there someone behind me, I glance behind me, no. maybe it was coincidence, I think in my head. I look up at dad; he isn’t there, just the swivel chair swivelling slightly from side to side, squeaking as it swings. I jump up, I glide over to where the seat is swivelling, it’s annoying me, and so I stop it. There is a small blood stain on the table-top, about the size of a fifty pence piece. This is worrying, why is dad bleeding, and where on earth is he? I panic. I stumble around the house, calling out his name, I get no response. I swing the living room door open, and lying on the floor is my dad. His t- shirt is bloodstained, along with the carpet, but what I’m worried about mostly is whether he is still conscious. I stagger over to him, hoping he is alright, I place my hand on his chest, its moving. I let out a sigh of relief.
“I’m so sorry, Kirst, honest, I didn’t mean to faint, you know that, don’t you?” after a good half an hour, dad is walking round as if nothing happened, although he is feeling guilty.
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placenta medicae talpae
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This has nothing to do with your piece (I haven't read it yet, but will do).

But 'Out of the Darkness' is also the name of a very interesting musical suite:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DDAp1W5JWOo&t=5m52s
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smiles99
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Oh, thats cool and thanks
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placenta medicae talpae
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You definitely have some interesting ideas.

What age group are you going for?
I'm guessing you intend this to be a short story, rather than building into a novel, right?

You might benefit from going through and really looking hard at the grammar in the piece.
E.g. using apostrophes for possessives and changing verbs connected with 'everyone' to be singular.
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techno-thriller
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Read the first three and it seems that the sentences overall are a bit short. Also try to avoid repetition like using annoyed in the first twice and woke up I think 3 times. Overall good story line though.
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smiles99
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thanks for the comments, this was written when i was 11, so i will have to change a fair amount of it. thanks though
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