Fearing the 'self-fulfilling prophecy' in my relationship...need advice? Watch

Anonymous #1
#1
Report Thread starter 5 years ago
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As thread title suggests, but just to add....

Me and my girlfriend of 16 months have our ups/downs like most couples (excuse pun!), usually we argue about every 4 weeks or so. Its almost as like 'the calm before the storm', and so we may be fine for weeks/months and then out of nowhere we argue.

Usually over all kinds of stuff, normally though it almost always relates to my anxiety/depression. The anxiety comes and goes, whilst the depression is much more fleeting. Both of which kind of weave in and out, causing issues in my life.

The specific example I am going to give is that, because I have low self-esteem and little confidence (despite having a girlfriend!), it causes a kind of rut, whereby I tend to over-analyse every little detail. Just lately she has been very busy with her work (she works in the agricultural sector), and so works her socks off! All day all night, and lately one member of the business has left and so she has to work their hours.

This is obviously tiring for my girlfriend, and so is very fatigued by the time she goes on Facebook to chat to me. We see each other twice a week (and even that is a push for her!), but she does it because she loves me and I know this. But lately I have had these niggling fears in my head (of course irrational ones), that I think she is going to just get up and walk out of my life. Due to her busy schedule, which is understandable. But the point being I love her, I don't wish to sound selfish and all or suffocating for her.

I think the one thing why I think this is because, before I met her she was involved in her family's business, long before me. So this is important to her, as she will inherit the business. But they don't even pay her for the work she does (under the assumption, she is going to get the business), but the thing is, it may not be worth a great deal in the future and they have got away with not paying her.

Sorry I digressed, the point is, when I talk to her on Facebook nowadays she is always so tired (understandable), and says I'm off to bed. I always have this habit of asking/telling her "if you think this is all too much [our relationship on top of everything else] just tell me?", words to those effects. I have expressed the fact I don't want her to feel like this is a chore. She says its okay usually.

But I can't get these fears out of my head. That in fact, she could just come to me one day and be like "okay I can't do this". People split for variety of reasons, and I know this is possible, I fear reality in a sense. But I love her too much to let go...although, I would do it if it was in her best interests.

I just feel like every-time I tell her that she doesn't have to be in an RS with me, that it kind of reinforces something in her mind which says "he doesn't want to be with me". I don't want to lower her own self worth. Because I already know from being with her, that she is a little rocky with herself. These are usually my issues that cause us to fight normally. Albeit, mental health issues, so a very hard thing to manage.

I almost feel I am feeling guilty for ever having being in a relationship with her, because I feel she could do so much better than me. But also I always feel like a pain. Her parents are complete slave drivers, and make her work very hard. To the point, some days she buckles and gets upset, her dad is horrible to her. So whenever she comes round mine she breathes a sigh of relief. Its her only time off. Then all she gets is my moaning about me essentially seeking validation that shes not going to leave me (of course she may do if I carry on).

Any thoughts?

p.s sorry this is incoherent, I always get so worked up because I can never manage to write a concise, logically flowing article which is only a paragraph or so. It always needs to be an essay!
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Shelly_x
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Stop saying things like that to her. I sincerely doubt she wants to see her boyfriend and have him essentially tell her "oh if you wanna break up then just tell me, thats cool". Not so good. Just be supportive and cherish the little time you get together.
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Lotus_Eater
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Difficult to offer any advice because you've nailed the problem here: the relationship is basically fine but by constantly raising the spectre of her leaving you, you're frightened that she actually will.

All I can suggest is that you make a monumental effort to break the habit. If she wants to leave you, she isn't going to care whether you give her permission to or not. You've made the point so you must stop making it. Otherwise she'll be bound to interpret the subtext as a simple 'I would like to break up with you but I am too cowardly to do so therefore I invite you to leave me.'

Often people in their early 20s have to work long hours for little reward. That's why relationships can be difficult at our age. Your only choice is to be patient. If you can be a source of calm and happiness in her life then the relationship will be more secure and you'll probably argue less too.

You know what you have to do. Now you have to do it. Easier said than done but there isn't really any other way of dressing it up.

Finally, I hope you are getting support for your anxiety and depression. If not, it's important that you do so. Meantime, don't worry too much about all that's been said and done - give your energy to being a good boyfriend now and in the future. I hope it works out for you.
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