My friend slept with our other friends girlfriend. Should I tell him?

I am stuck in this huge moral dilemma, but firstly I'll give you some background.

My best mate Dan has been with Philippa for a year and a half, it's been on and off.. She keeps deciding she wants other men but always comes back. Shes a bit of an attention whore, really. I began to hate her simply because of what she was doing to Dan, he loves her to bits and she just seems to enjoy toying with his feelings.

Gaz is our mate, we're all on the same course and the three of us have been inseperable since day one. He's a bit of a ladies man, likes to sleep around a bit.. you get the picture.

Dan moved away to Ireland for his placement year less than a week ago.

When Gaz and I went clubbing Thursday night, I was fairly surprised to see Philippa there. Her and Gaz were all hugging and kissing and fooling around, and eventually one of our other friends (drunkenly) told me that Gaz and Phillipa had been sleeping together.. but I shouldnt say anything to either of them because I wasn't supposed to know.

Of course I asked Gaz if this was true, and I quote "Dan will go ape **** if he finds out, please don't tell him'" ect ect..

They are totally best mates.

Dan is a little insecure in himself and he lost a friend recently at uni who had been seeing his ex at the time they were together. It cut him to pieces, and him dreading going to Ireland has been consoled by the fact that the three of us will still have each other in our final year.

What should I do?

If i tell Dan, not only will it break his heart but it would spell the end of the friendship of all 3 of us. Hes out there by himself missing Philippa very much, and I know hes feeling low already.

If I don't tell him, and he eventually finds out I knew, thats the end of our friendship. And he will ultimately feel betrayed by everybody. How can I sit back and let them make fun of him this way??

Any advice would be helpful, thanks guys.

Reply 1

Glory

1

i wouldnt tell him, just keep out of it. If he does find out, you have to use the i heard rumours but didnt see any evidence line.

If the relationship is as unstable as you say, it wont last his placement year and that way you wont lose friends or need to choose between them.

Reply 2

SuperhansFavouriteAlsatian

I don't envy your situation. YOU haven't done anything wrong, but ultimately you're in a situation where someone's going to end up not liking you.

I have no clue what to do.

Reply 3

Hana_87

16

Right, speak to this Phillipa, or Gaz and ask them to tell him, or you will.

Yes, your going to loose friendship with one of these boys, you have to decide who. Ultimately i think i'd have to tell Dan the truth.

Reply 4

Anonymous #2

I don't think it's a question of whether he should know or not. He needs to know. The question is how should he find out...

You're going to have to be brave to tell your friend about this. Maybe convince him to come over? Because I know that finding that kind of stuff out on the phone really isn't the best way. It's just out of respect for him that he should be told. He's already got a girlfriend who's been insulting his intelligence. He doesn't need friends doing the same thing.

I'd agree with the previous post: confront G. and P. first. The trouble is, you might be seen as the enemy, the bad guy who's out to mess up a friendship but would you rather have a friendship based on lies or the truth to come out? It's up to you to decide: do you think that what G. and P. have done is morally wrong? Because in their little minds, maybe they haven't done anything bad. It's up to you to decide what you think it morally right.

If you don't want to take the risk, then don't. You'll save yourself the hassle but then you have to decide why you're friends with Dan: for the convenience of a friend or because you truly respect the guy?

Reply 5

PremiershipFootballer

1

My advice would be to get Dan to dump her somehow, but dont tell him about whats going on. That way, people get hurt less. THat should also give Dan some confidence. And if he finds out later, hes already made the right decision...

Reply 6

generalebriety

16

Maybe this was why you shouldn't have spoken to Gaz about it... because now someone has evidence that you knew about this while it was happening. Clearly Gaz is an arsehole for doing that to Dan but maybe, just maybe, he was too drunk to think about it - spur of the moment and all that.

In such a morally twisted situation, maybe it's best just to decide over the course of a few days who would get hurt and so on, and how much, in each situation. Then decide how much you respect these people. (I mean, I wouldn't hold anything against Gaz if I was in your situation, but if it was a case of protecting either him or Dan, I'd go for the latter, without a doubt. This would hurt Philippa too but hey, she's a bitch for sleeping with Gaz as well.) Lesser of two evils sort of thing.

Reply 7

Aspect

2

Can I just jump and say it's so nice too see a guy worrying about his mate like this.

There ARE some people left with loyalty in the world!

:smile:

Reply 8

Anonymous #3

I know how you feel OP. I was in the same situation two years ago. I found out that my cousins best friend has stupidly slept with my cousins gf. Me him and my cousin were great friends since we were very little and we were insepreable. He totally regretted it but the gf became a total b**** (an even bigger one than she was before) and she hated the fact that i knew. She didn't try to hide it and told loads of people so it was obvious i would find out. I confronted her about it as i couldn't bring myself to hurt both my friends and she twisted our conversation to tell my cousin I was trying to blackmail her for her mistake (she came clean to him). He beleived her but later dumped her when she started to shoplift and get violent. This hurt me so much more than the actual cheating, because of her we hardly see each other anymore. I keep in touch with both but we can't meet up together like we used to.

Couple of weeks ago when it was nice a hot, I was shopping in Oxford street and was waiting for the bus when i saw her for the first time in 2 years. Not suprisingly she had a buggy with her with a small baby in it. As my bus came i got closer and she realised it was me. I smiled and said " It's such a nice day today". She looked bad/bored. It felt good for the rest of the bus ride, but i still miss my two friends.

I posted annon because there someone on TSR that I dont want to know who i am.

My friend slept with our other friends girlfriend. Should I tell him?

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