Love my boyfriend but have lost the desire - what do I do?! Watch

Anonymous #1
#1
Report Thread starter 5 years ago
#1
My boyfriend and I have been together for just over 2 and a half years. We have always been incredibly close, everyone has always said that we are perfect for eachother, he's my best friend and up until now I could quite honestly see myself spending the rest of my life with him as he makes me incredibly happy. I'd never even considered not being with him.

However, recently, I have been having doubts. I've had little niggles for a while now, as I am considerably younger (19) and feel like I have things to get out my system etc however my love for him always over rode that. I have also now and then not really...fancied him. I love him but when it comes to finding him sexual I realise that perhaps I don't feel the way I should. I have just started university and it was all fine, but when he came to visit I realised I didnt really want to have sex with him, and this has made me realise that maybe the relationship isn't working.

It's a horrible situation, because on the one hand I love him to bits, he's like my best friend and he makes me happy, but on the other hand he no longer gives me the sexual desire, excitement etc that I feel I need in a relationship. We have discussed it and we are both a little heartbroken, and I am utterly torn. I'm scared of not having him, and yet I feel like I need to get things out my system before I can settle down. You always imagine breaking up with someone because you go off them, but I realise now it's more complicated and sometimes you still love them. What do I do? Any advice or a similar experiences?
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Rock Fan
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(Original post by Anonymous)
My boyfriend and I have been together for just over 2 and a half years. We have always been incredibly close, everyone has always said that we are perfect for eachother, he's my best friend and up until now I could quite honestly see myself spending the rest of my life with him as he makes me incredibly happy. I'd never even considered not being with him.

However, recently, I have been having doubts. I've had little niggles for a while now, as I am considerably younger (19) and feel like I have things to get out my system etc however my love for him always over rode that. I have also now and then not really...fancied him. I love him but when it comes to finding him sexual I realise that perhaps I don't feel the way I should. I have just started university and it was all fine, but when he came to visit I realised I didnt really want to have sex with him, and this has made me realise that maybe the relationship isn't working.

It's a horrible situation, because on the one hand I love him to bits, he's like my best friend and he makes me happy, but on the other hand he no longer gives me the sexual desire, excitement etc that I feel I need in a relationship. We have discussed it and we are both a little heartbroken, and I am utterly torn. I'm scared of not having him, and yet I feel like I need to get things out my system before I can settle down. You always imagine breaking up with someone because you go off them, but I realise now it's more complicated and sometimes you still love them. What do I do? Any advice or a similar experiences?
Seems maybe your relationship has gotten stale and routine, also at your age feelings change quickly and what you want changes over time. Obviously as well you want to live life to the full. My advice would be to have a serious talk and figure out what you both really want, also if you feel it has run it's course, then you need to be honest and let him go.
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Bassetts
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You're past the honeymoon period and you're now essentially just very good friends with a strong emotional connection. They say the honeymoon period can last up to 2 years.
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by Bassetts)
You're past the honeymoon period and you're now essentially just very good friends with a strong emotional connection. They say the honeymoon period can last up to 2 years.
So do you feel that's a time to break up? I'm so confused. I can't work out if he's just a best friend who I feel safe and comfortable with and I have an amazing time with... I think i might need more than that. But then I think, what if I never find someone has perfect and lovely as him again
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Viva Emptiness
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(Original post by Anonymous)
My boyfriend and I have been together for just over 2 and a half years. We have always been incredibly close, everyone has always said that we are perfect for eachother, he's my best friend and up until now I could quite honestly see myself spending the rest of my life with him as he makes me incredibly happy. I'd never even considered not being with him.

However, recently, I have been having doubts. I've had little niggles for a while now, as I am considerably younger (19) and feel like I have things to get out my system etc however my love for him always over rode that. I have also now and then not really...fancied him. I love him but when it comes to finding him sexual I realise that perhaps I don't feel the way I should. I have just started university and it was all fine, but when he came to visit I realised I didnt really want to have sex with him, and this has made me realise that maybe the relationship isn't working.

It's a horrible situation, because on the one hand I love him to bits, he's like my best friend and he makes me happy, but on the other hand he no longer gives me the sexual desire, excitement etc that I feel I need in a relationship. We have discussed it and we are both a little heartbroken, and I am utterly torn. I'm scared of not having him, and yet I feel like I need to get things out my system before I can settle down. You always imagine breaking up with someone because you go off them, but I realise now it's more complicated and sometimes you still love them. What do I do? Any advice or a similar experiences?
This is a really tough situation, and I hate to say it but also the reason I broke up with one of my boyfriends of over 5 years. Once the attraction goes, you're essentially just best friends, and trying to force sexual chemistry or piling the pressure on to be 'coupley' will eventually ruin what amazing connection you have left.

It took me a long time to realise that we had to break up (we had lived together for years and even bought a flat together so I REALLY didn't want that to happen unless it had to), but the decision came when I found myself seriously thinking about getting with someone else I was talking to at the time.

It's tough, but if it's gone, it's gone. Good luck!
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sliceofcake
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(Original post by Anonymous)
So do you feel that's a time to break up? I'm so confused. I can't work out if he's just a best friend who I feel safe and comfortable with and I have an amazing time with... I think i might need more than that. But then I think, what if I never find someone has perfect and lovely as him again
:/ I didn't read "past the honeymoon period" as any suggestion that it's time to break up. Getting out of the honeymoon period doesn't mean the relationship has gone down hill or that you should leave them. It means you've gotten comfortable with them and things no longer feel fresh and exciting. If you want to leave him then be aware that the next long term relationship you're in will go the same way eventually. You don't necessarily want to have sex as much and you do feel like best friends but that doesn't mean your relationship is dead or dying.
I don't think this is an indication for you to break up though if you want to leave him that's your choice. Whatever your relationship is like, however, you cannot stay with someone because you might not find someone like him again. You stay with someone because you don't want anyone else.
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OMGWTFBBQ
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It really comes down to how insatiable your desire for a good ramming is.

Figure that out and you have your answer.
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odkfn
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(Original post by Anonymous)
My boyfriend and I have been together for just over 2 and a half years. We have always been incredibly close, everyone has always said that we are perfect for eachother, he's my best friend and up until now I could quite honestly see myself spending the rest of my life with him as he makes me incredibly happy. I'd never even considered not being with him.

However, recently, I have been having doubts. I've had little niggles for a while now, as I am considerably younger (19) and feel like I have things to get out my system etc however my love for him always over rode that. I have also now and then not really...fancied him. I love him but when it comes to finding him sexual I realise that perhaps I don't feel the way I should. I have just started university and it was all fine, but when he came to visit I realised I didnt really want to have sex with him, and this has made me realise that maybe the relationship isn't working.

It's a horrible situation, because on the one hand I love him to bits, he's like my best friend and he makes me happy, but on the other hand he no longer gives me the sexual desire, excitement etc that I feel I need in a relationship. We have discussed it and we are both a little heartbroken, and I am utterly torn. I'm scared of not having him, and yet I feel like I need to get things out my system before I can settle down. You always imagine breaking up with someone because you go off them, but I realise now it's more complicated and sometimes you still love them. What do I do? Any advice or a similar experiences?
To be honest, you're young. When I was with my first girlfriend we were together from like 16-19, and I still loved her, but I began to think more and more "I'm 19, these are the years for having fun" - not that the relationship wasn't fun, but I was at uni and felt like I should try being single. We tried to "see" each other in the hopes we'd get back together, but after I'd done stuff with 1 girl and she found out, she slept with my best friend (of the time) - which I guess I deserved a bit.

That being said, I've now been with my current girlfriend (from 21-24) for over 3 years and I don't feel the desire to be single or "free" - so take from that what you will. Maybe it is something you need to get out your system, but if you do, you won't necessarily have a bf waiting for you afterwards.

You need to ask yourself will you be with this guy for life, because if not you might stick it out with him for another 2/5/10 years, then break up, and regret not becoming single now.

Let me know how you get on!
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uberteknik
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You are 19 for goodness sake. There is plenty of time for you to settle down - perhaps 10 years or more.

If you don't feel physically attracted to him, that will be torture for him. Because he now kniws it will cause him a lot of heartache and insecurity. You say there is a considerable age gap? What happens if he wants to have children? Is it fair to keep stringing him along because it currently suits you to do so? That is more than a bit selfish.


Of course he loves you and right now will try everything im his power to keep hold of you which puts you firmly in the driving seat.

That aside, what you don't know is if there is someome else out there who could fulfill all of your needs and not just some of them.

And you cannot do that if you are in a relationship.

Trouble is, while you don't feel physically attracted to him, someone who fits that bill will definitely come along sooner or later and that's when temptation begins and then starts the complications........

Looking for justifcation to stay or break up on a public forum is a sure sign you are currently staying with him to hedge your bets, because breaking up means taking a risk that you may be making a mistake.

The biggest mistake of all (for BOTH of you) is that these niggles grow into huge resentment on both sides and you find you regret 10 years or more ending in a messy accrimonious break-up. Truth will out.
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Anonymous #2
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I am in a very similar situation, except our relationship isn't great in other areas either, unlike your relationship. The truth is - it's not gonna work. You will most likely start to notice other guys, and become sexually attracted to them, which could lead to a big mistake (even if you're not that type of person). Now you've told him, there's no way he'll be able to go on as normal either, guys aren't like that. Now he knows you're no longer 'into him', his ego and self esteem will be completely crushed.

However, I see this post is 4 weeks old, I'd like to hear how things turned out?
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