A semi-friends ex and me??? Watch

Anonymous #1
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So I have recently gone on a date with this guy and I REALLY like him! We get on so well and I really think it could go somewhere (although I am not so niave that I think he will be the love of my life and we will go off into the sunset etc.). We have been on one date but have known each other for about a 3 months. No kissing, but he put his arm round me and we did snuggle for a while (Excuse me while I cringe at what I have just written ).

However my problem is is that he used to go out with a semi-friend of mine. When I say semi-friend I mean someone I wouldn't feel comfortable in a room alone with but we have some of the same friends. He went out with her for 5 and a half months and then they split up (which happened to be the second time I had met either of them). I then got really close with him but I knew the break up had been fairly recent and both were hurting a bit so didn't do anything and planned not to for a while and even then I am not sure I would have done anything due to my severe lack of confidence. However a month and a few days after they break up he essentially asks me out. We had seen each other before in groups and played tennis a few times just together (because we both love it and live near each other so it wasn't uncommon for us to go out together just the two of us) and then he said what was i doing monday, i said nothing, he said fancying going into town, I said sure why not and then he took me to the cinema and then to a restaurant and paid for it all , so basically a date. His ex (who I still know) found out and wasn't best pleased because despite cheating on him numerous times and treating him really badly, she still likes him (which I didnt know). She was ignored me the next day and was obviously upset but to be fair to her she has started talking to me again and things are getting back to normal.

But I guess I need help. I am 18 (so is he) and I REALLY like him so I won't be kicking him out of my life (as suggested by a close friend of mine) even if he just wants to be friends I won't kick him out. BUt I don't want his ex to be upset, I feel so guilty because I convinced myself it wasn't a date (bad I Know!) but should I talk to her, talk to him and suggest just going back to tennis for the time being or carry on dating him?? I feel guilty enough already ....
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musketeer
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If she's not a friend, what's the problem? You are acquaintances so you have no loyalty to them. If it was a close friend of yours, that's bit different, but I think if he asks you out, just go for it!
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pinkbullets
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(Original post by Anonymous)
So I have recently gone on a date with this guy and I REALLY like him! We get on so well and I really think it could go somewhere (although I am not so niave that I think he will be the love of my life and we will go off into the sunset etc.). We have been on one date but have known each other for about a 3 months. No kissing, but he put his arm round me and we did snuggle for a while (Excuse me while I cringe at what I have just written ).

However my problem is is that he used to go out with a semi-friend of mine. When I say semi-friend I mean someone I wouldn't feel comfortable in a room alone with but we have some of the same friends. He went out with her for 5 and a half months and then they split up (which happened to be the second time I had met either of them). I then got really close with him but I knew the break up had been fairly recent and both were hurting a bit so didn't do anything and planned not to for a while and even then I am not sure I would have done anything due to my severe lack of confidence. However a month and a few days after they break up he essentially asks me out. We had seen each other before in groups and played tennis a few times just together (because we both love it and live near each other so it wasn't uncommon for us to go out together just the two of us) and then he said what was i doing monday, i said nothing, he said fancying going into town, I said sure why not and then he took me to the cinema and then to a restaurant and paid for it all , so basically a date. His ex (who I still know) found out and wasn't best pleased because despite cheating on him numerous times and treating him really badly, she still likes him (which I didnt know). She was ignored me the next day and was obviously upset but to be fair to her she has started talking to me again and things are getting back to normal.

But I guess I need help. I am 18 (so is he) and I REALLY like him so I won't be kicking him out of my life (as suggested by a close friend of mine) even if he just wants to be friends I won't kick him out. BUt I don't want his ex to be upset, I feel so guilty because I convinced myself it wasn't a date (bad I Know!) but should I talk to her, talk to him and suggest just going back to tennis for the time being or carry on dating him?? I feel guilty enough already ....
She's not a proper friend, so don't worry about what she thinks. If you refused to date anyone that any random acquaintance had ever dated then your dating pool would be extremely small. If you like this guy and think it could go somewhere, I'm sure you can endure a bit of huffing on this girls part. Chances are she'll get a new boyfriend and get over it pretty quickly anyway.
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CJKay
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Not sure why you're bothered what she thinks. It's not like you two were best mates. :dontknow:
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by pinkbullets)
She's not a proper friend, so don't worry about what she thinks. If you refused to date anyone that any random acquaintance had ever dated then your dating pool would be extremely small. If you like this guy and think it could go somewhere, I'm sure you can endure a bit of huffing on this girls part. Chances are she'll get a new boyfriend and get over it pretty quickly anyway.

(Original post by CJKay)
Not sure why you're bothered what she thinks. It's not like you two were best mates. :dontknow:
Thanks guys this has been really helpful. The reason I have been doubting my choices is that 3 close friends have told me that they think I am doing the wrong thing. I just really hope she does get over it and doesn't turn too many people against me

Anyway thanks guys
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by musketeer)
If she's not a friend, what's the problem? You are acquaintances so you have no loyalty to them. If it was a close friend of yours, that's bit different, but I think if he asks you out, just go for it!
Thanks for your help! I agree but 3 close friends of mine told me they thought i was wrong so I was reconsidering. But I just hope she moves on and doesn't turn too many people against me

Thank you
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pinkbullets
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(Original post by Anonymous)
Thanks guys this has been really helpful. The reason I have been doubting my choices is that 3 close friends have told me that they think I am doing the wrong thing. I just really hope she does get over it and doesn't turn too many people against me

Anyway thanks guys
Are your friends closer to her than you are? If so, that's probably why. Honestly, it's your life, don't let other people dictate what you do. I wouldn't date my really close friends exes but I certainly wouldn't worry about someone who just had mutual friends in common with me. Any guy you date is going to have an ex and the chances are if you're at uni/sixth form/your hometown you are going to vaguely know her. It's natural for her to feel upset, seeing someone else with her ex, but I wouldn't take it personally. She'll get over it once she moves on.
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musketeer
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(Original post by Anonymous)
Thanks for your help! I agree but 3 close friends of mine told me they thought i was wrong so I was reconsidering. But I just hope she moves on and doesn't turn too many people against me

Thank you

You said you're 18, are you at college or uni or anything?
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pennyyy
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(Original post by Anonymous)
Thanks for your help! I agree but 3 close friends of mine told me they thought i was wrong so I was reconsidering. But I just hope she moves on and doesn't turn too many people against me

Thank you
When I first meant my boyfriend, loads of people were telling me over and over again that he isn't worth it. But I did give him a chance. I risked my friendships with my friends. My close friends. I could have lost them because I ignored their advice. But giving him a chance is the best thing I've ever done (cheesy I know!) He isn't at all what people made him out to be. But like I said, I could have lost my friendships, but I didn't. So don't worry about it
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Jelephant
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Imagine for a minute he is the guy you're going to "go off into the sunset etc" with- are you going to give it up because it might slightly upset someone for a little while? I've never understood the whole "don't date your friends' exes" thing personally. I dated a guy for about a year and a half and after we broke up he started going out with one of my best friends. They've now been together for over 4 years. Yes, it stung at first, but if I had kicked up a fuss and stood in their way over something petty like "but he's mine!" then those 4 years of happiness wouldn't have happened for them, so I'm glad now. And if they had gone out for a month and then broke up or something, meh, oh well :p:
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DeveenaS
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Look you're still fairly young so your friends are probably of the same age. They're not mature enough to see the good of this. Sure at first your "friend" is going to be annoyed at you but hey look you've said it yourself...she's starting to be okay with you again.

Only pursue this guy if you really like him and you think he's worth the drama. You never know he might be your future husband. Just take it slowly and see how it goes. If the friendship tension gets to much then have a word with both parties and you will know where to go from there. If you talk to this friend girl-to-girl she will definitely understand.

So chill. You haven't done anything wrong xo
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by musketeer)
You said you're 18, are you at college or uni or anything?
Yeah I am in my last year of school and she goes to the same school as me but he goes to a different one.

(Original post by pennyyy)
When I first meant my boyfriend, loads of people were telling me over and over again that he isn't worth it. But I did give him a chance. I risked my friendships with my friends. My close friends. I could have lost them because I ignored their advice. But giving him a chance is the best thing I've ever done (cheesy I know!) He isn't at all what people made him out to be. But like I said, I could have lost my friendships, but I didn't. So don't worry about it
Thank you! It is so useful to hear from people who have gone through the same situation because others who I have spoken to have only given their opinion having not been in the situation. I am defo going to take your advise and give it a go

(Original post by Jelephant)
Imagine for a minute he is the guy you're going to "go off into the sunset etc" with- are you going to give it up because it might slightly upset someone for a little while? I've never understood the whole "don't date your friends' exes" thing personally. I dated a guy for about a year and a half and after we broke up he started going out with one of my best friends. They've now been together for over 4 years. Yes, it stung at first, but if I had kicked up a fuss and stood in their way over something petty like "but he's mine!" then those 4 years of happiness wouldn't have happened for them, so I'm glad now. And if they had gone out for a month and then broke up or something, meh, oh well :p:
Yeah I have never understood the whole 'never date your exs thing' and if any of my friends wanted to date one of my exs then I would be fine with it but I know that not everyone shares that view. But its good to hear from someone who has gone through it (from the other side) and who has been really understanding. Thanks

(Original post by DeveenaS)
Look you're still fairly young so your friends are probably of the same age. They're not mature enough to see the good of this. Sure at first your "friend" is going to be annoyed at you but hey look you've said it yourself...she's starting to be okay with you again.

Only pursue this guy if you really like him and you think he's worth the drama. You never know he might be your future husband. Just take it slowly and see how it goes. If the friendship tension gets to much then have a word with both parties and you will know where to go from there. If you talk to this friend girl-to-girl she will definitely understand.

So chill. You haven't done anything wrong xo
Its still weird with the girl and my friends are still trying to persuade me against it but they are a lot closer to her than I am. One of them doesn't believe you should ever date a friend/collegues ex (???) which I think is silly because you can then only date people who isnt friends/ knows people you know and another won't allow any to date her exs but will happily date a friends ex which is just hypocritical!


Thank you all for replying and thanks for all saying the same sort of thing, I know that sounds weird but I needed a load of people to say that I wasn't doing anything wrong and to go for it because I have been having a really crappy week and keep changing my mind.Thanks once again
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musketeer
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(Original post by Anonymous)
Yeah I am in my last year of school and she goes to the same school as me but he goes to a different one.

If you're in your last year, I promise you that by this time next year, you probably won't be talking to this 'friend'. So go for it, you really have nothing major to lose!
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by pinkbullets)
Are your friends closer to her than you are? If so, that's probably why. Honestly, it's your life, don't let other people dictate what you do. I wouldn't date my really close friends exes but I certainly wouldn't worry about someone who just had mutual friends in common with me. Any guy you date is going to have an ex and the chances are if you're at uni/sixth form/your hometown you are going to vaguely know her. It's natural for her to feel upset, seeing someone else with her ex, but I wouldn't take it personally. She'll get over it once she moves on.
Yeah they are closer to her than I am. Thanks so much for your advise and I am defo going to take it
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canadamoose
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You're not friends with this girl, so it doesn't matter if you happen to know his ex-girlfriend. In addition to that, they only dated 5 1/2 months, which is in no way an eternity. If you like him, go for him! There's no reason why you should restrict who you date based on acquaintances, especially when you can't bring yourself to call them "friend" without adding "semi" beforehand. Another way to look at it is what another poster said: it's possible that while you're not being naive and getting ahead of yourself, this guy could be the one. Are you going to turn down the possibility of starting a great relationship that could last a lifetime because of some girl you kind of know and probably won't keep in touch with as your lives move on? Seems silly to me.
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