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Fight with boyfriend - he got physical watch

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    Hi,
    Right I'll keep this as brief as possible (mostly because I don't know what to say about the whole thing!)

    Me and my boyfriend had a fight - he's a long term boyfriend and we usually get on unbelievably well.
    Basically, I was being a bit immature - moaning and having a bit of a go at him, for not much of a reason. I know it was wrong of me and I was being silly.
    But during this fight, which consisted of a lot of door banging and swearing, he went for me. By this I mean he lost it and put his hands around my neck. He'd obviously lost his temper and it was quite hard - not hard as in it-left-marks, but enough!
    Afterwards he left the room, didn't speak to me for 2 hours, then went out. He's still out.

    As you may expect, I'm very upset. I'm upset with what he did and how he reacted afterwards (no apology or recognition that it was very wrong) and I don't know what to do about this. Should I wait for his return/leave? Are we finished? I'm angry, upset, confused and all those things...

    Oh, he's never, ever acted like this before, by the way.

    Any helpful advice would be appreciated.
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    He'll keep on doing it, leave him.
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    Sorry this is a bit blunt, but just to establish - did you get physical with him at all? I'm not judging you at all as I haven't been in your situation.
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    well if you love him, make it up to him and if you do then he will to
    good luck!!!
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    Normally my reaction would be "get rid of him", but he's a long-term boyfriend who has never, ever acted like this before, and you were being immature. I'd say give him a chance. Maybe he was having a **** day. Christ, what he did wasn't nice, but what you did wasn't nice, and he clearly didn't hurt you that much. Don't forget emotional pain exists too - he wouldn't have gone out if he wasn't very upset himself, and maybe he's upset with what he did, maybe he's upset with the way you acted, I'd say probably both. I reckon you're both in a position to apologise to the other, so wait for him, sort out your differences, and from there it's up to you whether you (plural) want to finish it or not.

    Sorry for not being more sympathetic but you answered your own question really.
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    (Original post by Highlander)
    He'll keep on doing it, leave him.
    Yeah, because all men who lose their temper once are instantly violent wife-beaters for the rest of their lives.

    Idiot.
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    One thing i always think about these situations is, if he did that to you, there's no way of saying he wont do it again, or worse even, so you really need to talk to him about it (calmly)
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    (Original post by Zuluana)
    One thing i always think about these situations is, if he did that to you, there's no way of saying he wont do it again, or worse even, so you really need to talk to him about it (calmly)
    This thread looks like it's going to turn into a battle of the sexes, but either way... do you not think that everyone thinks that? We've been brainwashed into thinking that by the media instilling absolute fear into all women around the world in case their husband one day just magically turns into a wife-beater. You never know, maybe he was so upset at what he did that he'll never do it again because he feels so ashamed...
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    (Original post by brains)
    Sorry this is a bit blunt, but just to establish - did you get physical with him at all? I'm not judging you at all as I haven't been in your situation.
    No, I didn't. That's why I was so surprised - I think it was more shock (and a bit of fear) than it was pain.

    Basically, he was swearing and shouting, I told him to shut up, and he lost it.
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    From your post it already sounds like you're trying to justify it in your mind, and make it ok.

    "I was being immature"
    "I know it was wrong of me"

    There is no excuse ever to lash out at someone, which is what he did. Even if you were being immature, or even if you were having a full blown fight he had no reason to cause you potential harm.
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    (Original post by generalebriety)
    Normally my reaction would be "get rid of him", but he's a long-term boyfriend who has never, ever acted like this before, and you were being immature. I'd say give him a chance. Maybe he was having a **** day. Christ, what he did wasn't nice, but what you did wasn't nice, and he clearly didn't hurt you that much. Don't forget emotional pain exists too - he wouldn't have gone out if he wasn't very upset himself, and maybe he's upset with what he did, maybe he's upset with the way you acted, I'd say probably both. I reckon you're both in a position to apologise to the other, so wait for him, sort out your differences, and from there it's up to you whether you (plural) want to finish it or not.

    Sorry for not being more sympathetic but you answered your own question really.
    Ok. No I don't expect sympathy or want this thread to turn into "Argh violent males! cull them all" because, as I said, it was the first time ever and, yes, I do accept that my behaviour was childish.

    He didn't hurt me - not much. I think I'm more bothered that he didn't show care or concern afterwards. That's the really worrying thing.
    When he was about to go out I did ask him where he was going and he just said "I'm sick of you."
    While I can accept that I am in the wrong, surely he would have apologised? His coldheartedness scares me.
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    Dump him. It's not worth it.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Ok. No I don't expect sympathy or want this thread to turn into "Argh violent males! cull them all" because, as I said, it was the first time ever and, yes, I do accept that my behaviour was childish.

    He didn't hurt me - not much. I think I'm more bothered that he didn't show care or concern afterwards. That's the really worrying thing.
    When he was about to go out I did ask him where he was going and he just said "I'm sick of you."
    While I can accept that I am in the wrong, surely he would have apologised? His coldheartedness scares me.
    This I understand more. Maybe he is just an ********, maybe he's going to come home with his tail between his legs and admit he was angry. Either way you were both fairly nasty to each other, and I don't mean to stick up for him, but you will get plenty of people coming on here telling you precisely in what embarrassing way you should dump him, and I'm not a fan of revenge. So my advice to you is at least to wait until he comes back and see what he's like then. Maybe even give him a day or two. If he doesn't come back, or if he's still treating you like crap, then fine, chuck him.

    On the other hand it may well just be another little row that escalated - everyone has them.
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    I'll keep this as brief as possible - leave him.

    These things are never one offs...
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    (Original post by generalebriety)
    This I understand more. Maybe he is just an ********, maybe he's going to come home with his tail between his legs and admit he was angry. Either way you were both fairly nasty to each other, and I don't mean to stick up for him, but you will get plenty of people coming on here telling you precisely in what embarrassing way you should dump him, and I'm not a fan of revenge. So my advice to you is at least to wait until he comes back and see what he's like then. Maybe even give him a day or two. If he doesn't come back, or if he's still treating you like crap, then fine, chuck him.

    On the other hand it may well just be another little row that escalated - everyone has them.
    I hardly think that if she dumps him it would be out of revenge. What people are suggesting is that it may be dangerous for her to stay in the relationship.

    Also, I don't think her saying "shut up" equates to him grabbing her throat.

    I do agree however, with the wait and think on it approach.
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    (Original post by generalebriety)
    This I understand more. Maybe he is just an ********, maybe he's going to come home with his tail between his legs and admit he was angry. Either way you were both fairly nasty to each other, and I don't mean to stick up for him, but you will get plenty of people coming on here telling you precisely in what embarrassing way you should dump him, and I'm not a fan of revenge. So my advice to you is at least to wait until he comes back and see what he's like then. Maybe even give him a day or two. If he doesn't come back, or if he's still treating you like crap, then fine, chuck him.

    On the other hand it may well just be another little row that escalated - everyone has them.
    I don't know. I know I was nasty, but I wasn't THAT nasty. Not enough to justify his reaction, I don't think.

    I have decided to wait for him, but I have telephoned a mate and arranged to stay there this weekend, if necessary. Problem is, I live with my boyfriend, so he has to come back and it could be very uncomfortable.

    I'd never go for the revenge thing - I really do care for him. Can't decide if I'm more upset than angry. Basically, I'm not sure what I think about all this.
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    (Original post by BlackHawk)
    I hardly think that if she dumps him it would be out of revenge. What people are suggesting is that it may be dangerous for her to stay in the relationship.

    Also, I don't think her saying "shut up" equates to him grabbing her throat.

    I do agree however, with the wait and think on it approach.
    No, but coming from a fairly violent family, I understand that sometimes lashing out is the only way some people know how to get through to others - especially if they're being immature. I personally would be perfectly happy to sit down and discuss things but if they're being childish that's just not possible, and some people go and stew in their rooms, some break things, some lash out. The fact that he didn't hurt her when he very much could have done shows that he didn't really want to hurt her - just that he wanted to make his anger acknowledged. The "revenge" thing wasn't about her dumping him, it was about the normal rubbish we get on these threads which is along the lines of "pretend to be nice to him then take him out with all his mates then kick him in the balls and tell him he's dumped lolz!", in true neo-feminist style.

    I also don't agree with all these people coming on here who have no real experience of this sort of thing saying "It's never a one-off, leave him" or something equally succinct and unhelpful, really. That's why I'm playing devil's advocate more than giving a balanced judgement - because no one else will give a balanced judgement.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    I have decided to wait for him, but I have telephoned a mate and arranged to stay there this weekend, if necessary. Problem is, I live with my boyfriend, so he has to come back and it could be very uncomfortable.

    I'd never go for the revenge thing - I really do care for him.
    Ok, well, good - I hope it works out for you.
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    (Original post by BlackHawk)
    I hardly think that if she dumps him it would be out of revenge. What people are suggesting is that it may be dangerous for her to stay in the relationship.

    Also, I don't think her saying "shut up" equates to him grabbing her throat.

    I do agree however, with the wait and think on it approach.
    I just can't see him ever being "dangerous". I think it was more he lost his temper - and his temper is too bad/short!

    I agree with you - my side of the argument doesn't equate with what he did. And his damn reaction.
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    (Original post by generalebriety)
    No, but coming from a fairly violent family, I understand that sometimes lashing out is the only way some people know how to get through to others - especially if they're being immature. I personally would be perfectly happy to sit down and discuss things but if they're being childish that's just not possible, and some people go and stew in their rooms, some break things, some lash out. The fact that he didn't hurt her when he very much could have done shows that he didn't really want to hurt her - just that he wanted to make his anger acknowledged. The "revenge" thing wasn't about her dumping him, it was about the normal rubbish we get on these threads which is along the lines of "pretend to be nice to him then take him out with all his mates then kick him in the balls and tell him he's dumped lolz!", in true neo-feminist style.

    I also don't agree with all these people coming on here who have no real experience of this sort of thing saying "It's never a one-off, leave him" or something equally succinct and unhelpful, really. That's why I'm playing devil's advocate more than giving a balanced judgement - because no one else will give a balanced judgement.
    Thing is, I guess I'm hurt/angry with his aswell because I come from a violent family (v.violent) and what turned out to be a violent ex-boyfriend (just my luck!) and my current boyfriend knows all this - so how could be resort to the same thing?
    I guess if he lost his temper - and he wanted to get through to me - he could have reacted like that in the heat of the moment without meaning it. Like you said, he could have hurt me A LOT more and he didn't.

    But if it was so in-the-moment, why didn't he instantly apologise? I know I would if I'd done that.
 
 
 
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