My mum has depression Watch

Anonymous #1
#1
Report Thread starter 5 years ago
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Hey all, I'll keep it short and miss out the irrelevant stuff.

My mum has literally no friends (poor excuse but my dad always worked abroad and she was a housewife with 2 young kids so didn't work and didn't have much opportunity to make friends, when we got old enough she started working at tesco but didn't really like it there.

She quit as she is a bit of a push-over and as such she was getting emotionally bullied by her colleagues and it depressed her.

My brother owes her 13 grand (bare in mind she has little-to-no savings as it is only starting work at quite an older age and not having savings from her house-wife days) but said he's not paying he back, he hates her, etc.

My brother just got fired from his job abroad and has no visa there anymore so it's looking likely he'll have to come back to this country and therefore my mums house as he has no savings, this will push her over the edge, she has tried so hard for him but now they just do not get on, my brother is a ****.

She fell out with one of her sisters and the other one she's never been that close to.

SO, my mum has no friends, no job, no reason to leave the house, our dog died like 3 months ago (13 years old, he was quite ill) and there's the prospect of my brother having to go live with her which will be both a financial and emotional drain on her. She has told me she wishes she just wouldn't wake up in the morning as she just sits in the house day and night doing nothing, yesterday she even went as far as saying she will be happy when "it's over" - and I know my mum's life, the above isn't half the stuff she has dealt with.

BUT my question - what can I do? I want to help, if I won the lottery I could buy her a house closer to her sister, or help her move abroad somewhere nice. Short of that, I suggested paying for a psychiatrist for her just to help her iron out her own thoughts/demons and to decide what she wants to do in life - she isn't keen. I suggested buying her a pug as the house must be lonely and at least it would give her days purpose, etc. But she's so indecisive and says she doesn't know if she can care for herself let alone another living being - so what can I do?

In fairness to her if I had no friends, one half-decent son and no job or family nearby then I'd be sick of it. Sorry this post is so long, tried to keep it as short as I could.

Thanks.
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Viva Emptiness
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#2
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Seems to me that you should have a word with your brother - he feels entitled to not pay back the money he owed her as well as move back in? I'm sorry but I just wouldn't be allowing that to happen.

Maybe you could try to help your mum make some friends of her own by suggesting doing some social activities or classes together, where you'd get to meet some new people? If nothing I bet she'd appreciate the effort
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by Viva Emptiness)
Seems to me that you should have a word with your brother - he feels entitled to not pay back the money he owed her as well as move back in? I'm sorry but I just wouldn't be allowing that to happen.

Maybe you could try to help your mum make some friends of her own by suggesting doing some social activities or classes together, where you'd get to meet some new people? If nothing I bet she'd appreciate the effort
Thanks for the response, but I've suggested social activities and classes almost daily to the point she told me not to bring them up any more.

In terms of my brother; as aforementioned he (currently) lives abroad, owes the government, like, £3k and my dad, like, £8k. So getting any money off someone who, not only has no money, but is like £21 grand in debt seems unlikely, however much it annoys me.
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Viva Emptiness
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(Original post by Anonymous)
Thanks for the response, but I've suggested social activities and classes almost daily to the point she told me not to bring them up any more.

In terms of my brother; as aforementioned he (currently) lives abroad, owes the government, like, £3k and my dad, like, £8k. So getting any money off someone who, not only has no money, but is like £21 grand in debt seems unlikely, however much it annoys me.
Hmm, maybe you could try and approach it like you want to go, but don't want to go alone?

The bottom line is that your mum is a grown woman, and if she thinks she needs help she can go to her GP or speak to your dad or whatever. It's lovely that you look out for her, but it's not really your job unless she specifically comes to you for help.

If you don't think you can actively help her then the best thing you can do is continue to be the 'good' child and try and brighten up her day as best you can
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Rock Fan
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Moved to mental health
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superwolf
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Does/did she have any interests or hobbies, maybe something from before she had kids? If so, I'd see if you can get her back into that, maybe by getting involved yourself, or buying her the necessary equipment/classes (if you'd paid for them already, maybe she'd feel more inclined to give it a go?). There are plenty of hobbies out there which don't cost much to get started in if you can persuade her to start something new, and maybe you could find something she could work towards, like making Christmas decorations/presents, or a memorial scrapbook for the dog, whatever interests her.

You could also maybe have a look at charity outreach/befriending programs - see if you could arrange for someone to come round and spend some time with her.

Or encourage her to socialise in other ways - does she have/use a computer much? At times when I've been severely depressed and unable to talk much to people in real life then online forums have helped me keep in contact with at least part of the world, and I've ended up making a number of real life friends from TSR over the years.
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BeachTrawler
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Hey, my mum had a lot of mental health problems and depression, while I was growing up though. If your brother and mum aren't on great terms, then I doubt it would be wise for him to move in with your mum. Tell him to bugger off, especially if he's going to be a financial drain. There are other jobs she can do that are much more enjoyable, or she could take up arts and crafts or some other extra-curricular activities, where she can meet people and make friends. My mum could never hold down any friends, but if your mothers more sociable then it wont be too hard for her.
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Anonymous #1
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Thanks for the advise all. Still no further along with this, I try suggesting hobbies, but she's at the stage of depression where she's in a rut and just doesn't want to climb out. You can take a horse to water but you can't make it drink - I don't know what to do. My dad phoned her and said he'll "keep" my brother for a month but then he's going to send him back to the uk, which invariably means he will try move back in with my mum, which is literally the last thing she needs, the thought of it is causing her sleepless nights. I feel so helpless in all of this.
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