Did I overreact?

Hey guys,

Really confused about this situation and would appreciate any opinions, sorry if its long and boring!
For the past year i have been working in a small, very formal luxury goods head office. It has been great, brilliant pay, pretty easy and interesting. Theres only 6 other people working in the same office and even though in work we had to be pretty professional, outside the office we all got on well and i formed a friendship with the lady i worked closest with. A few weeks ago she told me that she and one of the guys from the office had been having an affair. I was a bit shocked and tbh didnt really want to know as there were children involved and it was just a bit sad. Since she told me about their situation she has been reading aloud the emails he sends her in work, which was making me feel uncomfortable. Last week she read one to me where he was asking her to meet him in the downstairs toilet. She laughed and said that she was going to jokingly reply, "im a bit busy at the moment, but ill send ********* instead." I laughed but told her not to send it, as i didnt want to get involved. She sent it anyway and he replied with a really degrading comment about me, saying how i was all cleavage and nothing else and that he and the other guys had a long running joke about my boobs. She then read his reply to me, laughing at it. This may sound really petty, but im really self-conscious about my boobs and knowing that the guys talk about me like that was really weird, especially as i thought i got on well with them. tbh it wasnt so much that but the fact that she read the email to me when it was obviously not gonna be nice for me to hear, she could have just told me he hadnt replied or something.

Anyway, I havent been back to work since. I called my employment agency to let them know i wouldnt be going back there but didnt give them a reason. I dont want to look like a jerk to the others in the office, including my manager by just not turning up for work one day but if i give them the reason why i left, the emails will be read and people in the office will find out about the affair, and its the type of place that wont look kindly on it, i.e. the two invloved might lose their jobs. I'm so angry coz ive now got to look for another job and im losing out on money i would have been earning there if id not been made to feel really uncomfortable.

:confused:

Have i been unreasonable? Im too confused to be able to tell if ive overreacted or not. tbh its too late to change anything now i just want to hear peoples opinions.

Thanks. Btw only posting anon as i know that one of the girls from another of our offices uses TSR.

Reply 1

Bubblebee

15

errr. IMO yes... but if you were unmcomfortable it was the right thing to do...

Reply 2

Pseudomuse

1

i think you should have confronted the guy who insulted you and had a go at the woman for sending the e-mail against her wishes. but whats done is done and you can move on with your life

take care of yourself

Reply 3

Anonymous #2

Doesn't a comment about that kind of thing constitute sexual harrassment? You may have a case there to get them sacked and not yourself.

Reply 4

Amnesia

2

Anonymous

Doesn't a comment about that kind of thing constitute sexual harrassment? You may have a case there to get them sacked and not yourself.

It was not a nice thing to say, but it hardly constitutes sexual harasament.

Reply 5

Anonymous #1

OP

It was a pretty long email saying some pretty vulgar things so im pretty sure something could be done about it, company policy wise if nothing else. but i cant take it any further as i dont want to be the one to potentially expose the affair and hurt the families invloved, its not my place to do that.

i dunno, it was just an awkward situation and i cant really do anything about it now, was just wondering if id been really dramatic about it.

Reply 6

Laika

1

I don't think you overreacted, it would be uncomfortable to work with them after that. But I also wouldn't put too much thought into the contents of the email, it was probably just a joke. Don't pay attention to anything men say amongst themselves, it all goes out of the window once they're actually talking to a woman.

If I were you I'd exact revenge by revealing the affair or blackmailing them or something.

Reply 7

marabara

1

Amnesia

It was not a nice thing to say, but it hardly constitutes sexual harasament.

wrong

it IS sexual harrassment - if it was reported, I reckon the guy would be fired and there'd be a payout

Reply 8

1013

1

I don't think you over-reacted but it's a shame that you are the one to lose out when it's clear that this woman and the man she is sleeping with are the idiots.

Reply 9

al-CIAda

you should get them all fired and make a sexual harrassment case against them. show a little backbone. thats disgusting, absolutely disgusting what they are doing (adultery - ew) and that they would talk about you behind your back, let alone about your sexual attributes, and then tell you they do it and laugh in your face? do you know your lawyers number? i'd start calling.

Reply 10

RieLouise

1

I'm curious about why the woman would read the email out to you. That sounds downright malicious to me.

Reply 11

Evenstar

13

Anonymous

It was a pretty long email saying some pretty vulgar things so im pretty sure something could be done about it, company policy wise if nothing else. but i cant take it any further as i dont want to be the one to potentially expose the affair and hurt the families invloved, its not my place to do that.

If your colleague was really a friend she wouldn't have read that email to you, knowing that it contained insulting/hurtful material. As far as people getting hurt/sacked etc. they are the ones contravening both company policy and moral standards by having a sordid affair - especially if there are children involved.
You have been made to feel like you can no longer work there through no fault of your own.

Honestly, if I were in your shoes I'd blow the lid off the whole thing.

Reply 12

Ywiss

15

BellaCat

I'm curious about why the woman would read the email out to you. That sounds downright malicious to me.

Agreed.

I don't think you overreacted. Working in such a small environment is bound to cause more tension than a more anonymous place, and I can understand how uncomfortable it must be for you.

But as someone else said, a lot of what men say about women when they're with other men doesn't really mean anything - it's just a sort of male-bonding thingy I think. If you get on well with them when you're with them, that's the thing you should hold onto - ignore the stupidity, or else make the man involved aware that you don't like the way that he talks about you when you're not there.

I hope this works out for you.

xxx

Reply 13

Amnesia

2

marabara

wrong

it IS sexual harrassment - if it was reported, I reckon the guy would be fired and there'd be a payout

What is the world coming to?

Reply 14

Laika

1

BellaCat

I'm curious about why the woman would read the email out to you. That sounds downright malicious to me.

Yeah she sounds like she needs a smacked bottom.

Reply 15

RieLouise

1

Ywiss

Agreed.

I don't think you overreacted. Working in such a small environment is bound to cause more tension than a more anonymous place, and I can understand how uncomfortable it must be for you.

But as someone else said, a lot of what men say about women when they're with other men doesn't really mean anything - it's just a sort of male-bonding thingy I think. If you get on well with them when you're with them, that's the thing you should hold onto - ignore the stupidity, or else make the man involved aware that you don't like the way that he talks about you when you're not there.

I hope this works out for you.

xxx

But this case has a whole other dimension in that he wasn't talking to a male colleague; he was addressing his girlfriend which makes me think:
(and this may be a long shot)

Some women get a 'self-esteem' boost by belittling other women. Maybe the female colleague initiated this whole thing by making an unflattering remark about the OP. Maybe her boyfriend, in turn, attempted to flatter her by comparing her favourably to the OP.

I know: 'Objection, your Honour: Conjecture'.

Play it cool :cool:

BellaCat

But this case has a whole other dimension in that he wasn't talking to a male colleague; he was addressing his girlfriend which makes me think:
(and this may be a long shot)

Some women get a 'self-esteem' boost by belittling other women. Maybe the female colleague initiated this whole thing by making an unflattering remark about the OP. Maybe her boyfriend, in turn, attempted to flatter her by comparing her favourably to the OP.

I know: 'Objection, your Honour: Conjecture'.

Good psychology there - are you by any chance studying it?