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Coming out at uni

Hi

I'm gay but I haven't told anyone. I'll be starting uni next year and I am trying to work out if it would be the right time to come out or not. I don't like keeping it quiet but I feel it is for the best right now.

Anyone have any advice/experience?

Thanks

Reply 1

bullyfish

12

Well I would guess it would be much better to do so at uni, seeing as most of them have LGBT groups you can join, and meet like-minded people. From what i've heard, most people are also much more tolarent at uni, so are more likley to treat you normally.

What uni do you plan to go to btw?

Reply 2

Anonymous #1

OP

bullyfish

Well I would guess it would be much better to do so at uni, seeing as most of them have LGBT groups you can join, and meet like-minded people. From what i've heard, most people are also much more tolarent at uni, so are more likley to treat you normally.

What uni do you plan to go to btw?

Well I'm not applying until next year but assuming my AS results are as I hope, and assuming I get an offer, either Cambridge or Bristol. Thanks for your advice :smile:

Reply 3

Anonymous #1

OP

^^ By "next year" I mean next academic year, so in September.

Reply 4

Anonymous #2

I'm not in uni yet but my advice for you is not to come out till the second year. That way you have friends that might stick up to you, but generaly people in uni is more open. The snag about coming out in the first year is people might act different around you because you are a gay. I mean I don't want to be the "homophobe" but some people can still be close minded. However there is an argument that your friends might see you as deceptive. To be honest what I can suggest to you is just be in the closet ish. Its not like when you meet a person for the first time, you don't say "Hi my name is [blank], I am gay." I mean stay in the closet as in don't tell anyone straight away, however if they asked you, then you can say it and I am sure they will accept it. I may have baffled here but what I am saying is don't let you being gay affect who you are. People will hang out with you coz of your personality not because of your sexuality. In terms of coming, you can considering delaying it till second year. However, if during your first year some people asked, then its up to you whether you say you're gay or not.

Reply 5

Jonatan

13

Anonymous

Hi

I'm gay but I haven't told anyone. I'll be starting uni next year and I am trying to work out if it would be the right time to come out or not. I don't like keeping it quiet but I feel it is for the best right now.

Anyone have any advice/experience?

Thanks

Hey. I'm a Bi guy and studying at Warwick atm. Noone here had any problems with it, except one person, but he seemed more scared than hostile tbh, and he wasn't mean about it or anything. Which university are you going to? Many of them have societies that organise support and socials for LGBT students. Good luck.

Reply 6

Lush Law

15

Anonymous

I'm not in uni yet but my advice for you is not to come out till the second year. That way you have friends that might stick up to you, but generaly people in uni is more open. The snag about coming out in the first year is people might act different around you because you are a gay. I mean I don't want to be the "homophobe" but some people can still be close minded. However there is an argument that your friends might see you as deceptive. To be honest what I can suggest to you is just be in the closet ish. Its not like when you meet a person for the first time, you don't say "Hi my name is [blank], I am gay." I mean stay in the closet as in don't tell anyone straight away, however if they asked you, then you can say it and I am sure they will accept it. I may have baffled here but what I am saying is don't let you being gay affect who you are. People will hang out with you coz of your personality not because of your sexuality. In terms of coming, you can considering delaying it till second year. However, if during your first year some people asked, then its up to you whether you say you're gay or not.

I've just finished 1st year and I came out to my friends at uni within about 2 weeks. I'm not an obviously gay man, but following a few nights out people guessed that I was gay, apparently.

I was lucky because one of my best friends that I made in freshers week is also gay and he came out almost straight away when we were discussing who had boyfriends/girlfriends. One of us said "so have you got a girlfriend?" and he replied "yeah but it's more the other way round". Nobody cared. I came out to the group very soon after.

I'm glad I came out at uni, I would have felt trapped otherwise.

Reply 7

Anonymous #1

OP

RR

I'm glad I came out at uni, I would have felt trapped otherwise.

That's what I'm worried about. Hopefully it will be okay :smile:

Reply 8

~Hena.87~

1

I'd say come out at uni cos otherwise it will be harder for you to keep it in. Just wait to make some good friends you can trust first. I don't know what i'd do if I were in your situtation. What i'd find hard is to keep the fact that i was gay to myself. :tsr2:

Good luck .

Reply 9

Jonatan

13

Anonymous

That's what I'm worried about. Hopefully it will be okay :smile:

With high probability your uni will have an LGBT society. You could always join that first, and then tell your course/house mates afterwards. I don't think you should have too much trouble given that you seem to apply to fairly well respected universitys. I reckon most people there wil be smart enough to know better than the average bully you had to put up with in school. That goes for other things as well. If you are even remotely geeky, university is a huge lift from school.

Reply 10

dementedbunny

11

i think that's an okay idea. if people know that you're gay initially, the people who won't find this a hinderance will be friends with you right away despite this. that way you won't go through the trouble of friends possibly avoiding you or being weird around you once you find out. being gay is not a problem at all and you shoudln't be ashamed of it; it's just that some people don't handle it that well.

Reply 11

Anonymous #2

I'm not so sure about LGBT societies. My friend once went to an LGBT orientation thing and apparently everyone just got out with everyone!

Reply 12

Jonatan

13

Anonymous

I'm not so sure about LGBT societies. My friend once went to an LGBT orientation thing and apparently everyone just got out with everyone!

Lol, well the thing is that you get all kinds of people. You have some people who are more promiscuous than a rabbit on viagra, and then you have the likes of me who hasn't even had a same-sex kiss yet.

I reckon what tends to happen is that people are scared off by the more camp people and hence don't really get to know any of the others. Don't think that everyone is just out to get laid tho. I'm a member of one of these societies and there are a number of couples who have stayed together for as long as I've been in it.

Anyway, I can definitely see why newcomers could get a bad impression from some of the orientation meetings, especially since many might not be all that comfortable with it all to begin with. Its not as bad as it seems on the surface, tho I admit it isn't completely innocent either. I'd recomend you give it a chance tho.

Reply 13

Jacktion

Just wait 'til someone askes. Noone likes a flamboiant-in-your-face homo, most people at uni, who just won't care either way, will think you're making a big deal if you introduce yourself as "Hi, i'm suchandsuch and i'm GAY" whereaaaas if you just let it be subtely known, over a drinking game of "I never" or something then people won't care.

Or hang up naked boy pictures in your room. They'll get the point. (Unless you're a girl, although they don't usually have this problem so i'm playing the probabilities.

Reply 14

Lush Law

15

Jacktion

Just wait 'til someone askes. Noone likes a flamboiant-in-your-face homo, most people at uni, who just won't care either way, will think you're making a big deal if you introduce yourself as "Hi, i'm suchandsuch and i'm GAY" whereaaaas if you just let it be subtely known, over a drinking game of "I never" or something then people won't care.

Or hang up naked boy pictures in your room. They'll get the point. (Unless you're a girl, although they don't usually have this problem so i'm playing the probabilities.

I did that. I had pictures I wanted to put up, so I did. At first it was quite funny because when lads came into my room they blatantly pretended they hadn't seen the pictures yet lmao.

Reply 15

Jonatan

13

Jacktion

let it be subtely known, over a drinking game of "I never"

I more like the "slipping something obvious into a conversation" aproach. Sooner or later some girl is bound to mention a lecturer they fancy or smth, at which point you either say you agree or that he's not uite your type. That ought to make people curious enough to ask for the rest of the details :p:

.

Anyway, you won't end up more embaressed than I did. I was at a social with an LGBT society and some people I knew walked past and said hello to me. I was with my current girlfriend at the time, and I was worried they'd think I was going behind her back or smth, so next time I talked to them I tried to make it clear that I was bi and that she knew all about it and was ok with it and so on. As it turned out, they had not realised that they had walked straight into an LGBT social, so they were all like "What the hell are you talking about?" and "Uhm, sure, thats all fine and all, but you know I really had no idea until you told me just now... ". I was a bit embaressed at that point, but they were all fine with it, so it didn't really matter in the end.

Reply 16

Anonymous #3

RR

I'm glad I came out at uni, I would have felt trapped otherwise.

That's a good point. Say if you decide (before you go) to come out in the second year, you will probably have to tell one or two fibs at some point during the first year to stay in the closet, which can only make it harder to come out later. That's why I'm planning to be honest from the beginning when I go this autumn, so I don't become 'trapped'.

dementedbunny

if people know that you're gay initially, the people who won't find this a hinderance will be friends with you right away despite this. that way you won't go through the trouble of friends possibly avoiding you or being weird around you once you find out. being gay is not a problem at all and you shoudln't be ashamed of it; it's just that some people don't handle it that well.

It would be nice not to have to tell anyone near the beginning in some ways, so people can judge you on who you are rather than having preconceptions before they get to know you due to your sexuality. I mean, I wouldn't want to be known as "that gay guy from upstairs" at the end of week 1. But at least being open about it from the start means you won't waste time making friends that will desert you if/when they find out you're gay.

I don't plan to make a point of telling everyone, I will just tell them if they ask. Even that seems a bit of a daunting step!

Serious question about LGBT societies: is it true that they are just full of the screaming gays, and that everyone has got off with everyone else within the first month? :confused: