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Gay Husband, Pakistani. HELP PLEASE!!!

Hi,

I could really do with some advice, please.

Firstly, I’m an Asian Pakistani (yes this is important).

My sister has been married for 2 years. She C H O S E to have an arranged marriage but we now think that he only married her for a Visa for the UK as he’s from Pakistan. During their “getting to know each other” phase, he promised her the moon and the stars, children, everything etc. He was an introvert but we thought that was only because he was nervous etc (as he claimed at the time). Since he’s got his visa, he’s completely and utterly changed but more of that below.

We believe that her husband is gay and is being blackmailed by someone who caught him with a guy at his workplace, after hours. This assumption is based on a phone conversation that took place a few months ago which she overheard. Halfway through the convo, he realised and suddenly started referring to himself in 3rd person and calling this other guy a girl to throw her off but she’d already heard everything and things started to click into place for my sister based on his behaviour etc.

He constantly blows cold/hot with my sister, has absolutely NO interest her whatsoever, sex life is nonexistent from day one (and even if it does rarely happen, it must only be with the lights off), still lives at home with her and refuses to do anything that requires commitment or ties them together (mortgage/children/holiday/joint bank account etc), doesn’t fund anything for her, is out all hours of the day for “work” (retail store) but is not paid accordingly to the 60/70 weekly hours he apparently works, point blank refuses any type of intimacy even something simple like holding hands, he has a 2nd “work” phone that is hidden away but he’ll spend all night texting and having secret phone calls on it but he clears everything from the phone. Which regular retail worker needs a work phone that you get calls/texts from at 3am/5am/9pm etc? It’s blatant lies. There’s a town not too far from where we live where he 100% refuses to go to since the phone call and we think that the blackmailer or other person lives there but we don’t know how to find out.

Being a Pakistani, divorce is rare in our families. However, if we could prove he’s gay/cheating, my sister could get out of this unhappy marriage that she’s trapped in:frown:. Can anyone please help, we’re desperate! Thank you.

Ps, there is no one else that we can go to in either family. So it's just me and her. I love my sister, and I need to help her but I'm out of my depth here, hence why I'm asking for help on TSR!

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Reply 1
Can't your sister have an honest conversation about his sexuality with him? And then decide if they would both agree on a divorce?
Why doesn't she just divorce him? Would she rather a gay husband or a divorce? I think they better get divorced before it becomes even more 'shameful' to the pakistani family and everyone finds out that he is gay.
Reply 3
Original post by BWV1007
Can't your sister have an honest conversation about his sexuality with him? And then decide if they would both agree on a divorce?


She hinted that she knew and he went absolutely mad at her, flat out denying it. It got very bad between them so that's not an option, at all.

Original post by letsbehonest
Why doesn't she just divorce him? Would she rather a gay husband or a divorce? I think they better get divorced before it becomes even more 'shameful' to the pakistani family and everyone finds out that he is gay.


My sister WANTS to do that but she can't as no one in the family is letting it happen. Based on his extremely unreasonable behaviour with her, she's tried to get a divorce and there was a massive uproar from both sides of the family. Everyone thinks that he needs time to "settle" into becoming a husband and they also think that they haven't tried enough which is unfair and untrue. She wants to divorce him, but no one (husband included) will let her. So the only thing she can do is prove he's gay to get a divorce.

--

I'll be back tonight to reply to any more replies :smile:.
Original post by BWV1007
Can't your sister have an honest conversation about his sexuality with him? And then decide if they would both agree on a divorce?


Well…if they could do that….then she wouldn't be here.

To the OP….there is nothing anyone can do here, unless, you can get hold of the phone or hire a private detective.

The only idea I can think of is to look through the home computer/laptop because they leave traces behind even after history and etc is deleted.
I'm guessing it's not as simple as her just saying she wants a divorce because of how your family will see it - do you want proof so that they will accept/support her decision? Or maybe for legal reasons?

I can see it's a very difficult situation for you both to be in. If you really can't talk to any other family members about it, you need a way to investigate his behaviour directly. One way might be to get hold of the secret phone (if at all possible) and change one (or more) of the numbers on it to numbers on SIM cards you have bought specifically for this purpose. Your can use the SIM cards in a secret phone of her own to see the text messages he is sending to what he believes to be other people. She could text back and play along if she likes, to gain evidence. There are also ways to bug phones and see the correspondence, but you'd need to hire a private detective.

Is there any way you could set a "honey trap" for him, in the form of a gay man who would be prepared to seduce him, record evidence and report back to your sister?

Can she approach his boss/colleagues to see if they know anything about what she thinks happened?

And finally, how about talking to him directly about it? She could come from the angle that she is concerned about him, that if he is blackmailed she will be prepared to support him, and that she needs to know what's going on as she is his wife and it is her duty to stand by him. Even if none of this is true and she will (quite fairly) leg it as soon as she's got proof, it could be a tipping point for him if he thinks she'll be on his side. It can't be any fun being blackmailed and feeling alone, so if she plays it right, it could be a way in.

All the best, OP!
Original post by Anonymous



My sister WANTS to do that but she can't as no one in the family is letting it happen. Based on his extremely unreasonable behaviour with her, she's tried to get a divorce and there was a massive uproar from both sides of the family. Everyone thinks that he needs time to "settle" into becoming a husband and they also think that they haven't tried enough which is unfair and untrue. She wants to divorce him, but no one (husband included) will let her. So the only thing she can do is prove he's gay to get a divorce.

--

I'll be back tonight to reply to any more replies :smile:.


How can anyone in the family actually stop her? If someone wants a divorce no one can stop them. Can't she just explain that her husband treats her unfairly?
Original post by DorianGrayism
The only idea I can think of is to look through the home computer/laptop because they leave traces behind even after history and etc is deleted.

Only if you really know what you're doing with a hard drive, I think. I guess she could back the hard drive up and transfer the data to another one, which could then be analysed by someone in the tech business...
Reply 8
Original post by Musie Suzie
I'm guessing it's not as simple as her just saying she wants a divorce because of how your family will see it - do you want proof so that they will accept/support her decision? Or maybe for legal reasons?

I can see it's a very difficult situation for you both to be in. If you really can't talk to any other family members about it, you need a way to investigate his behaviour directly. One way might be to get hold of the secret phone (if at all possible) and change one (or more) of the numbers on it to numbers on SIM cards you have bought specifically for this purpose. Your can use the SIM cards in a secret phone of her own to see the text messages he is sending to what he believes to be other people. She could text back and play along if she likes, to gain evidence. There are also ways to bug phones and see the correspondence, but you'd need to hire a private detective.

Is there any way you could set a "honey trap" for him, in the form of a gay man who would be prepared to seduce him, record evidence and report back to your sister?

Can she approach his boss/colleagues to see if they know anything about what she thinks happened?

And finally, how about talking to him directly about it? She could come from the angle that she is concerned about him, that if he is blackmailed she will be prepared to support him, and that she needs to know what's going on as she is his wife and it is her duty to stand by him. Even if none of this is true and she will (quite fairly) leg it as soon as she's got proof, it could be a tipping point for him if he thinks she'll be on his side. It can't be any fun being blackmailed and feeling alone, so if she plays it right, it could be a way in.

All the best, OP!


Why does this resemble a movie I've seen? :ahee:

Posted from TSR Mobile
Reply 9
I think a divorce is the best option, she has to live with him not your family. Even if he wasn't gay ...he's not treating her with respect anyway. She needs to talk to him. :smile:
Original post by Arieisit
Why does this resemble a movie I've seen? :ahee:

Posted from TSR Mobile

Does it?
Isn't it illegal to marry someone for a visa? There's clearly no love here...and sounds like no effort either. If she really didn't want to be with him anymore and didn't mind the fall-out, a wee word with the police might not be a bad thing...just saying.


Posted from TSR Mobile
Reply 12
She should leave him and report him to the UKBA. She won't, but that's another story.
Reply 13
Thank you to everyone who has replied. Will do a generic reply to clear up some stuff but will reply separately if it's something specific.

Original post by Musie Suzie


//

And finally, how about talking to him directly about it? She could come from the angle that she is concerned about him, that if he is blackmailed she will be prepared to support him, and that she needs to know what's going on as she is his wife and it is her duty to stand by him. Even if none of this is true and she will (quite fairly) leg it as soon as she's got proof, it could be a tipping point for him if he thinks she'll be on his side. It can't be any fun being blackmailed and feeling alone, so if she plays it right, it could be a way in.

All the best, OP!

My sister thought he was being blackmailed because of a different situation (involving his previous landlord) and as soon as my sister tried to explain that she was on his side, and they could sort it out, even go to the police etc; he totally flipped at her. He told her that it was none of her business and he shouldn't be getting involved in his life. Even though my sister persistently tried to support him, he completely shut her out and froze her out. So based on that scenario, I don't honestly think that will have any impact, but thank you for the option anyway!
Reply 14
Original post by whisper2012
Isn't it illegal to marry someone for a visa? There's clearly no love here...and sounds like no effort either. If she really didn't want to be with him anymore and didn't mind the fall-out, a wee word with the police might not be a bad thing...just saying.


Posted from TSR Mobile


Original post by Pariah
She should leave him and report him to the UKBA. She won't, but that's another story.


Actually, we were thinking about talking to the Home Office. In exactly a year (I think), his visa is due to be renewed but it will be renewed to be a permanent visa so we think he's only hanging around until he gets that firmly in his back pocket.

What we were thinking about doing was reporting him to the Home Office and explaining the situation and saying that he isn't in this marriage for the right reasons and it's a sham. However, when the topic of divorce previously came up, my sister (in the heat of the moment) told him and all the family present that she was going to report him and leave him. Obviously, that didn't go down well with anyone. If his visa wasn't to be renewed now or anything was to go wrong, all fingers of blame would point at her and I know that everyone would make her life hell for it :mad::frown: I wish she hadn't told them, even if she only did because she was so angry and fed up with the situation, but now everyone is fully aware of it. Even if I reported him, she'll get blamed and I don't want to put her in a precarious situation.

That was the original plan, but that's truly out the window now so we're back to the drawing board and proving he's gay (even though we don't WANT to 'out' him) is the only thing that we can come up with.
Reply 15
Original post by Anonymous
Thank you to everyone who has replied. Will do a generic reply to clear up some stuff but will reply separately if it's something specific.


My sister thought he was being blackmailed because of a different situation (involving his previous landlord) and as soon as my sister tried to explain that she was on his side, and they could sort it out, even go to the police etc; he totally flipped at her. He told her that it was none of her business and he shouldn't be getting involved in his life. Even though my sister persistently tried to support him, he completely shut her out and froze her out. So based on that scenario, I don't honestly think that will have any impact, but thank you for the option anyway!


Gonna guess your Muslim right?

They did the Nikah right?
The Nikah has a lot of obligations in Islam, from the wife's perspective, he has a duty to provide for her, his wealth belongs to her as well, she has a right to intímacy and the sexual stuff from her husband. There should be no secrets, etc.

He clearly has broken his obligation in Islam to his wife by faíling to meet theír needs which are oblígated upon hím by taking the Níkah. And thís has been goíng on for more than 2 years, its more than enough on the grounds for divorce. Í don't see why your sister is putting Pakistani cultural pride above her happiness, because it's not going to do her any favours in the long run. And your famíly should be supporting her not going against her, her life is just so miserable,
Is there any 'rules' that make it acceptable in your culture/ family to ask for a divorce? Like if he was found to be technically cheating, would that be enough to let her get a divorce?
Reply 17
Original post by Anonymous
Thank you to everyone who has replied. Will do a generic reply to clear up some stuff but will reply separately if it's something specific.


My sister thought he was being blackmailed because of a different situation (involving his previous landlord) and as soon as my sister tried to explain that she was on his side, and they could sort it out, even go to the police etc; he totally flipped at her. He told her that it was none of her business and he shouldn't be getting involved in his life. Even though my sister persistently tried to support him, he completely shut her out and froze her out. So based on that scenario, I don't honestly think that will have any impact, but thank you for the option anyway!


Gonna guess your Muslim right?

They did the Nikah right?
The Nikah has a lot of obligations in Islam, from the wife's perspective, he has a duty to provide for her, his wealth belongs to her as well, she has a right to intímacy and the sexual stuff from her husband. There should be no secrets, etc.

He clearly has broken his obligation in Islam to his wife by faíling to meet theír needs which are oblígated upon hím by taking the Níkah. And thís has been goíng on for more than 2 years, its more than enough on the grounds for divorce. Í don't see why your sister is putting Pakistani cultural pride above her happiness, because it's not going to do her any favours in the long run. And your famíly should be supporting her not going against her, her life is just so miserable.

Just saw your recent post, get out, I suspect his famíly don't want him to get dívorce tíll he gets ís perm vísa as well.
Reply 18
Regarding the other options:

- A private investigator is far too expensive for either one of us to afford.
- He clears EVERYthing on his phone right down to the PHONE numbers. The phone is totally empty, there's not a trace of anything on it.
- His laptop has a password on, which despite repeated attempts, we don't know. He'll always make sure he's alone or WELL away from anyone when typing any passwords in. My sister tried 'popping' up, or sending him downstairs for something so he'd have to leave his laptop unattended but he 100% always 'locks' it so no one can get in. He doesn't even have a guest account anymore, it's only his one account. His charger broke and while he was waiting for a new one, he's taken to going to internet cafes!!! And even though he's got his new charger now, he still regularly goes to internet cafes and only uses his laptop for movies now!! So we can't even see what he's doing and are even more in the dark about the situation.
- My sister can't just leave him. Unfortunately, our society doesn't work like that. It isn't her choice. There's this saying in our community that when you get married, you don't marry your partner. You marry his entire family. And it's true. There is no "freedom" at all. She's desperate to get out of this, especially as it's making her health deteriorate, she's constantly stressed and ill. The more she tries to make it work, the more it backfires. As soon as she backs off, everyone starts pointing fingers at HER and saying it's her fault for not trying. Whether she's holding on or letting go, it doesn't make a blind bit of difference to him. They've had a "break" from each other, that didn't do anything.
- There are a lot more indications regarding his sexuality. Twice she's woken up when he's been on the phone in the middle of the night, and he hasn't switched the phone off fast enough and she said she definitely heard a man's voice on the other end of the phone, but more than that, he was actually flirting on the phone with him! There are a few other "intimate" things that I'd rather not disclose but they definitely point towards him being gay. He has a female cousin who absolutely hates my sister, and this cousin is very close with my sister's husband. Apparently growing up, they practically lived together for almost 10 years. Anyway, one of the first times she met my sister after the wedding, she said to my sister when they were alone "I'm surprised that he married a woman" and walked off. Now, that's definitely a VERY weird thing to say and we'd try and get more info out of her if it wasn't for the fact that she absolutely hates my sister for no apparent reason. It's been 2 years and my sister REALLY tries hard with her, but this cousin has made it perfectly clear to my sister that she doesn't want anything to do with her. She actually spat at her feet once, so that's another dead end.
Reply 19
It's hard to prove someone's gay unless you catch them in the act ... just sayin ...

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