Ended relationship of 3.5 years - moving on
Basically, my boyfriend and I a week ago argued about something relatively minor, which ended up with us talking on Monday. It turns out that he could no longer see a future with me, was flirting and texting and having feelings for a girl he worked with he's known for 3.5 weeks (at a job I encouraged him to get because it was better for him - the worst is that she kept asking him out and he turned her down, and now if he says yes next time she'll have the pleasure of knowing he left me for her) and that he couldn't do LDR (London to Bristol), despite us having been half way through and me having planned moving in directly. He apparently didn't know that the fact I have two jobs and am searching for jobs in London now meant I was serious about spending my life with him. I saw us getting married and having children etc.
We had serious problems with our relationship and I always forgave him. The past two months I had been so stressed and low and I didn't realise I was being more distant because of it. It had nothing to do with him. I dealt with him being stressed and lack of contact for 3.5 years because I loved him. I put up with his mistakes because I loved him. I suffered from depression and anxiety which made things tough, I did say things like no one cares about me and he took this to mean that I didn't see him as caring about me.
He said on Monday he wanted to think about whether he wanted me enough to stay with me. After four days of pure hell, I told him yesterday that I wanted to end it. I didn't want to stay with someone who had to decide between a girlfriend of 3.5 years and a work colleague of 3.5 weeks. I didn't want to stay with someone who wasn't quite sure. After spilling everything to friends and trying to blame everything on myself, I've been told that he was emotionally abusive and that he was emotionally cheating on me - I knew this but didn't want to let go of hope. Because he refuses to come to me to talk about this, I texted him this and told him to come to visit for a chat, like I did on Monday, to clear everything up and move on. My life and future is in pieces, I need to know what happened. He hasn't replied since I explicitly said I need to leave him.
I'm 20 and I feel, somewhat irrationally, that I'll never find anyone else again. I feel ugly and unattractive and don't know how to move on and create a future for myself. I need him to acknowledge what I've said and I need him to talk about this. I need to get rid of the feeling that he will suddenly realise his mistakes and apologise and we'll be OK but I know I can't forgive the emotional cheating. Are there any tips to get through this?
Sorry for huge long post
We had serious problems with our relationship and I always forgave him. The past two months I had been so stressed and low and I didn't realise I was being more distant because of it. It had nothing to do with him. I dealt with him being stressed and lack of contact for 3.5 years because I loved him. I put up with his mistakes because I loved him. I suffered from depression and anxiety which made things tough, I did say things like no one cares about me and he took this to mean that I didn't see him as caring about me.
He said on Monday he wanted to think about whether he wanted me enough to stay with me. After four days of pure hell, I told him yesterday that I wanted to end it. I didn't want to stay with someone who had to decide between a girlfriend of 3.5 years and a work colleague of 3.5 weeks. I didn't want to stay with someone who wasn't quite sure. After spilling everything to friends and trying to blame everything on myself, I've been told that he was emotionally abusive and that he was emotionally cheating on me - I knew this but didn't want to let go of hope. Because he refuses to come to me to talk about this, I texted him this and told him to come to visit for a chat, like I did on Monday, to clear everything up and move on. My life and future is in pieces, I need to know what happened. He hasn't replied since I explicitly said I need to leave him.
I'm 20 and I feel, somewhat irrationally, that I'll never find anyone else again. I feel ugly and unattractive and don't know how to move on and create a future for myself. I need him to acknowledge what I've said and I need him to talk about this. I need to get rid of the feeling that he will suddenly realise his mistakes and apologise and we'll be OK but I know I can't forgive the emotional cheating. Are there any tips to get through this?
Sorry for huge long post
(edited 10 years ago)
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You are on the right track.
I am proud that you have the right mindset to realize that this is an abusive relationship. No one deserves to go through this, and you are most definitely not to blame. In fact, you have put up with so much that your strength, your loyalty, and your love is so admirable. Anyone who has you in their lives would be so lucky.
As for getting through this, there may not be a step by step guide but as clichéd as it sounds... time will pass and you will become a better person by learning from this. Your future is by no means over. You're 20, the prime of your time. Get out and seek something new!
Right now, the most important thing is to get closure. Insist on talking to him. Work it out. Leave each other on friendly terms. Stay strong and stay firm on your decision to leave.
YOU are worth fighting for. Anyone who doesn't take time to really search out the true meaning of your actions, your true intentions, your true wants, isn't good enough for you. You deserve so much more.
Stay strong, believe, take a leap of faith! Life isn't over and you are beautiful.
Love,
Lucym
I am proud that you have the right mindset to realize that this is an abusive relationship. No one deserves to go through this, and you are most definitely not to blame. In fact, you have put up with so much that your strength, your loyalty, and your love is so admirable. Anyone who has you in their lives would be so lucky.
As for getting through this, there may not be a step by step guide but as clichéd as it sounds... time will pass and you will become a better person by learning from this. Your future is by no means over. You're 20, the prime of your time. Get out and seek something new!
Right now, the most important thing is to get closure. Insist on talking to him. Work it out. Leave each other on friendly terms. Stay strong and stay firm on your decision to leave.
YOU are worth fighting for. Anyone who doesn't take time to really search out the true meaning of your actions, your true intentions, your true wants, isn't good enough for you. You deserve so much more.
Stay strong, believe, take a leap of faith! Life isn't over and you are beautiful.
Love,
Lucym
Original post by FuzzySheep
I saw us getting married and having children etc.
I'm 20 and I feel, somewhat irrationally, that I'll never find anyone else again.
I'm 20 and I feel, somewhat irrationally, that I'll never find anyone else again.
No offence but you seriously need to get a grip. You are 20 and should be focusing on your own life and not the life of someone else or a shared life. Live your life now whilst you are young and free. You are 20 years old. Enjoy university and save up some money and embrace other cultures and move to other countries and just live your life or you'll regret it.
I really don't get the mindset of people who wish to rush into marriage and so on so young. You have plenty of time to make such an important commitment and when that time comes you'll likely from experience be wiser and a better judge of character.
The world is a massive place full of wonderful things. Your time within it is limited. Don't waste it, embrace it!
As someone who has been through this before, I know how hard it can be, but I promise you it gets easier and life gets a million times better.
You should never be in a relationship where your boyfriend isn't sure if he wants you. Even in the early beginnings of a relationship, a partner is interested in you, attracted to you, and genuinely wants to be with you. Your now ex doesn't appear to have any of these things, and you deserve better. You deserve somebody who can't wait to see you, who loves talking to you, and is excited to spend their day (or life) with you. You may have loved your ex, and you may still love him now. You must have, otherwise you wouldn't have been planning to get a job in London and start a life living with your ex. But your ex does not love you, or he would never have considered this other girl and he would never have to think twice about whether or not he wants to be with you. You deserve to be wanted. You deserve to be loved.
It seems like the end of the world right now, and that makes sense. You were basing your life around someone who you thought would always be a huge part of your life, and that's ok. The good thing is that you are only 20 and you have a whole lifetime ahead of you. You have time to get to know yourself, make amazing friends and memories, and find a man who would move to Bristol, or Istanbul, or the Arctic for you. I know you probably have things to occupy your time, but the best thing for you to do now is start a new chapter in your life. Get a new haircut, go shopping, get a new hobby - try something you've never done before. Reinvent yourself so that you are the person you want to be - the perfect guy for you is out there and I'm sure he's desperate to find you as well.
All the best.
You should never be in a relationship where your boyfriend isn't sure if he wants you. Even in the early beginnings of a relationship, a partner is interested in you, attracted to you, and genuinely wants to be with you. Your now ex doesn't appear to have any of these things, and you deserve better. You deserve somebody who can't wait to see you, who loves talking to you, and is excited to spend their day (or life) with you. You may have loved your ex, and you may still love him now. You must have, otherwise you wouldn't have been planning to get a job in London and start a life living with your ex. But your ex does not love you, or he would never have considered this other girl and he would never have to think twice about whether or not he wants to be with you. You deserve to be wanted. You deserve to be loved.
It seems like the end of the world right now, and that makes sense. You were basing your life around someone who you thought would always be a huge part of your life, and that's ok. The good thing is that you are only 20 and you have a whole lifetime ahead of you. You have time to get to know yourself, make amazing friends and memories, and find a man who would move to Bristol, or Istanbul, or the Arctic for you. I know you probably have things to occupy your time, but the best thing for you to do now is start a new chapter in your life. Get a new haircut, go shopping, get a new hobby - try something you've never done before. Reinvent yourself so that you are the person you want to be - the perfect guy for you is out there and I'm sure he's desperate to find you as well.
All the best.
Thank you everyone. Had a bad dream and woke up regretting my decision but you are all right. He still hasn't even acknowledged my text though.
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I have literally just been through the same thing, except he's been seeing the girl for about a year before I decided to break up with him. When I did finally decide to break up with him it was because he kept telling me he was unsure about our relationship and he had to think about it to make a decision. So against all my instincts I just told him I wanted to break up with him because I couldn't stay with someone who wasn't sure about it.
He's gotten over it incredibly quickly and he's now with the girl he was getting to know. It's heartbreaking for me and it makes it worse that I live with him and so I know exactly when he goes to see her. It also makes it worse that he used to care when I was upset but he doesn't anymore, even though he says he wants us to stay best friends.
Edit: oh and I know it's difficult to get to terms with. He was pretty much begging you to break up with him without saying it explicitly, so it's like he was forcing you to make that decision even though you didn't want to. It's hard not to second-guess yourself sometimes.
He's gotten over it incredibly quickly and he's now with the girl he was getting to know. It's heartbreaking for me and it makes it worse that I live with him and so I know exactly when he goes to see her. It also makes it worse that he used to care when I was upset but he doesn't anymore, even though he says he wants us to stay best friends.
Edit: oh and I know it's difficult to get to terms with. He was pretty much begging you to break up with him without saying it explicitly, so it's like he was forcing you to make that decision even though you didn't want to. It's hard not to second-guess yourself sometimes.
(edited 10 years ago)
I need to save this thread because the advice in it is useful for me too.
How many people marry and spend their whole lives with the person they got together with at 16? A small few.
How many people break up with that person after a few years and then spend their life in misery, never again finding anyone to make them happy? None.
How many break up after a few years, cry because they think they'll never find anyone to make them happy again, and then get over it and live happy lives, experience youth and freedom and joy and friendship, and one day marry somebody much better and more compatible? About 70000000.
How many people break up with that person after a few years and then spend their life in misery, never again finding anyone to make them happy? None.
How many break up after a few years, cry because they think they'll never find anyone to make them happy again, and then get over it and live happy lives, experience youth and freedom and joy and friendship, and one day marry somebody much better and more compatible? About 70000000.
(edited 10 years ago)
Thank you everyone. Why won't he acknowledge my text though?
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Move on, go out with friends, spend time with your family, watch stupid tv shows, eat a whole box of ice cream on your own because you can, go exercise, enjoy your hobbies and your life.
From numerous experiences, trying to talk about everything that happened is just a waste of time, every conversation you have raises more issues and drags it all out longer, it's a vicious cycle.
Don't waste time trying to get apologies and drag acknowledgements out of people. It's all probably still too raw for either of you to be thinking clearly. Your thought processes are all fogged by emotion, in time the emotions will fade for both of you, and in time when that happens he might even give you the things you think you need right now.
You don't need him to acknowledge anything, you think you do, but it'll just drag it out if you chase after a sense of resolution that time will give you anyway.
From numerous experiences, trying to talk about everything that happened is just a waste of time, every conversation you have raises more issues and drags it all out longer, it's a vicious cycle.
Don't waste time trying to get apologies and drag acknowledgements out of people. It's all probably still too raw for either of you to be thinking clearly. Your thought processes are all fogged by emotion, in time the emotions will fade for both of you, and in time when that happens he might even give you the things you think you need right now.
You don't need him to acknowledge anything, you think you do, but it'll just drag it out if you chase after a sense of resolution that time will give you anyway.
Whenever he fought in the past, he would never just acknowledge what I said. I want to move on. This is so frustrating.
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I have known several people, including my sister, in a similar position, and they have found someone else within not too long a period of time. Actually, I think my dad was in a similar position and a couple of years afterwards met my mum.
I can partially relate. I had an ex who literally woke up one morning saying he wasn't sure he say a future with me and needed time to think. Unlike your story, there was no other girl but it was still so painful. I wish I had been brave like you and ended it after a few days. Alas, I let him torture me for a month. He kept telling me how much he loved me and couldn't picture his life without me. And yet he couldn't decide if I was what he really wanted. Finally after a month I couldn't take not knowing anymore and I told him to make his choice. Well...he is my ex so his choice was obvious.
I felt just like you. I was so heartbroken, thought I was going to die, and that no one would ever love me again. Looking back, he was actually wrong for me. A great guy (mostly) but would have been wrong for me. So though he did it the wrong way, our breakup was actually a good thing. I have loved and lost since then, but now I am with someone who makes me so happy and who I actually can really see a future with.
So even though you may not believe it now, things will get better. You have loved and lost but have learned a lot from these experiences. Someone who is really right for you is just waiting to be found.
I felt just like you. I was so heartbroken, thought I was going to die, and that no one would ever love me again. Looking back, he was actually wrong for me. A great guy (mostly) but would have been wrong for me. So though he did it the wrong way, our breakup was actually a good thing. I have loved and lost since then, but now I am with someone who makes me so happy and who I actually can really see a future with.
So even though you may not believe it now, things will get better. You have loved and lost but have learned a lot from these experiences. Someone who is really right for you is just waiting to be found.
This is awful. He won't give me closure.
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Why did you end it? Do you regret ending it? If he said he would take you back would you? Do your family know about it? What is upsetting you more - the fact it's ended or the fact he's not replying?
Original post by brightcitylights
Why did you end it? Do you regret ending it? If he said he would take you back would you? Do your family know about it? What is upsetting you more - the fact it's ended or the fact he's not replying?
Because he emotionally cheated and I know I couldn't forgive and trust him. I don't think I would, my family do know. Both, but the latter at the moment
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Original post by FuzzySheep
Because he emotionally cheated and I know I couldn't forgive and trust him. I don't think I would, my family do know. Both, but the latter at the moment
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Apart from this incident has he ever given you reason to doubt this relationship before? Btw I am sorry for the pain you are going through. I know exactly how you feel. That pain and emptiness is awful especially when you are then ignored. But you're worth more than that. Also don't forget you ended it. Maybe he is in pain too. Guys tend to deal with things differently.
(edited 10 years ago)
Original post by brightcitylights
Apart from this incident has he ever given you reason to doubt this relationship before? Btw I am sorry for the pain you are going through. I know exactly how you feel. That pain and emptiness is awful especially when you are then ignored. But you're worth more than that. Also don't forget you ended it. Maybe he is in pain too. Guys tend to deal with things differently.
He's given me many reasons before. I can't cope with this
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Original post by FuzzySheep
Do you have a friend you could meet right now? Try to keep busy - I promise it will keep your mind off.
Original post by FuzzySheep
Really sorry to hear about all this. I completely understand why his ignorance at replying would be really bothering you right now, I'd be the same, and after 3.5 years with him I'd expect a bit more respect when it comes to ending it. At the same time, you don't really want to go ringing him or chasing him up for a reply, so I guess if he doesn't reply...that's it? It sounds awful and it shouldn't necessary but I don't think it sounds like he deserves the effort of chasing him up about it. (I don't know if you were planning on doing that anyway).
Don't listen to the person telling you to get a grip because you're 20. It's normal to feel like you're not going to find anyone else, to be honest. Anyway, there is a period of time that will pass and then you will get that 'grip' and realise you've got your whole life ahead of you and someone new will come.
I've had quite a few boyfriends of varying amounts of time, and every single time one ends I feel the same sense of hopelessness and pessimism that I'll never find anyone as good, and I always do! Me and my last ex broke up after a year. I was upset about it and had the usual feelings that I'll never meet someone else, then a week later (fast I know but you can't choose these things sometimes) I met my lovely current boyfriend on a train, of all places! We have been together two years. You'll find someone better, maybe when you least expect it. :hug:
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